Support thread for parents of pre-teen & teenage girls - if you're tired of the eye-rolling, door-slamming, buy me stuff now leave me alone hormonal roller coaster, join us here!

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

So, I've noticed there are ongoing support threads in other topics and wondered if we could do with one here. My DD is 12. She is smart and articulate and has lovely friends. Her teachers say she is engaged and enthusiastic and she is always the first to make someone new feel welcome. She is also rude and aggressive and irrational and loves telling me I'm a crazy, horrible, annoying idiot. She slams doors, pushes me around, hits her brother and tells me she only loves her dad and wishes I was dead. There are days where I wonder if either of us will make it to her 13th birthday. And it's only 2 weeks away.

Anyone want to join in?

I'm definitely in! My DD(13) flits between bright, charming and thoughtful to rude, defiant and horrible!! The whole family waits with baited breath to see how the day is going to unfold! Not entirely sure how I will hang on to my sanity over the next few years. It is definitely reassuring to know we are not alone! xx

Thanks for the flowers and sympathy ladies. It's good to know it's not just me . I think being on my own I tend to feel that the unpleasant behaviour must be because I've brought them up badly but really it's just one of those "phases" albeit a very long one! They always manage to behave well at school, in public etc so I must have done something right.

Well DD's week of horror continues.

As if she learned nothing from being kicked out of the car yesterday, today she's told me I'm a f*ing idiot bitch, she hates me, she wishes I were dead, she wants nothing from me for her birthday and... (and here's the kicker) it doesn't matter because dad is throwing her a party anyway.

I hate this so much. She has had me in tears nearly every day this week. I swear she is like two different people. She can be lovely for weeks on end - still get the typical teenage, 'leave me alone' or eye rolling, but generally a decent human being who wants me to brush her hair and tuck her in at night. And then it's like one morning she wakes up full of rage and hatred and THAT can last for weeks. I'm so

I have a 13 yr old girl too..... or TWA as she is affectionately(?!) known - Teen With Attitude...

we have had the "friendship issues" Y7 and Y8,

the "everybody thinks I'm a freak" - she is into EMO stuff and dresses in black etc... where most of her contemporaries are into pop and looking at themselves in the mirror all the time..... so I'm not entirely surprised....

the "you don't understand" - no love, I was never a teenage girl was I??

the "I will wear nail polish to school" even if it is against the rules

the "I hate you, why can't I get my lip/nose/eyebrow pierced - it's my body"... errrrrm because you are 13 and don't know what you want really....

the "I want to be a musician" - really .... grade 4 piano where I have to practically force you to do 20 min practice through bribery and threats to withdraw screen time etc are not indicating any "musicianship" in your future...

Hey ho, we just try to encourage the dreams and the good behaviour, ignore and "punish" the bad, and generally scrub along beside each other....

I have an 11 year old girl too..... and I'm going through the menopause.... hubby is building a shed...

ask her (or leave her a letter if she won't engage).

How does she think her teacher would feel if DD said to her "you are a f*ing idiot bitch, I hate you, I wish you were dead" ?

How does she think DD would feel if her teacher said to her "you are a f*ing idiot bitch, I hate you, I wish you were dead" ?

How does she think DD would feel if the woman at the shop said to her "you are a f*ing idiot bitch, I hate you, I wish you were dead" ?

How does she think the woman at the shop would feel if DD said to her "you are a f*ing idiot bitch, I hate you, I wish you were dead" ?

How does she think DD would feel if you said to her ""you are a f*ing idiot bitch, I hate you, I wish you were dead" ?

How's does DD think you feel when she says that to you ?

It isn't an effective way to talk to anyone. If she has a problem, she needs to talk to you in a fair and rational way and between you, you can try and come to a workable arrangement that is fair to you both.

Thanks throken, when she is "herself" she understands those conversations and seems to feel genuinely bad. But when she is like this it's like nothing gets through to her. She just shrugs and says she doesn't care.

She needs to learn that she can't just shrug and say don't care - no matter how bad a mood she is in. If she is in such a bad mood that she will speak like that - she needs to recognise it and keep away from people All part of the growing up process - learning what is and isn't something you can do, just like hitting people. Controlling your temper is fundamental (we all lose it but we don't become abusive).

The bottom line is she doesn't get what she wants by being violent and abusive.

Tough to have to live with for you - but something she needs to come to terms with sooner rather than later to make her own life workable. If she can say that kind of thing in a temper at 12, how long before she starts lashing out when in a temper ?

Can you enlist DH in showing solidarity ? He ought to support you in helping her to realise what is acceptable and what isn't.

She already lashes out when in a temper. So far she hasn't actually hurt me but she's already 4 inches taller than me so... And no, I can't enlist her dad's help - XH is part of the problem, telling her all the things he thinks I'm doing wrong.

Can anyone recommend a good supplement that might help with PMT/mood swings? Something in liquid form preferably...?

:(

Sounds like more to this than just 12 year old hormonal madness.

Was the split with XH recent ? Or acrimonious ? Is that part of the problem ? Does she blame you for the split ?

Have you considered calling both their bluffs and she goes to live with XH ?

I wanted to join in, but my 11 and a half pre teen is a boy!

Im in I have a 14 year old girl.

We have weeks where I think she's just out of control and then we have weeks where I feel I have my best friend back. you just never quite know who you are going to get when you pick her up from school though you can normally tell within seconds!

When she's in a mood we have had slamming doors, throwing things, Ive had her on the floor kicking the wall like a toddler, screaming, you name it.
But when she is lovely she is like my best friend, she makes me laugh, she listens to me and we are both nuts so get on like a house of fire.

But you just never know who you are going to get its like she has a split personality! My nan used to say to me when I was a little girl 'When she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was TERRIBLE' I say that to my dd now!

I feel for you with the pick up thing. My dd gets picked up at 6:30 every day because she stays for homework club. This was our choice as dd2 who's 7 is a nightmare at home and she can't concentrate so we accept this. But she is always disorganised and we end up waiting till 7pm some nights! Not great as dd2 is suspected aspergers and hates being out of routine.
I find that dd1 doesn't actually mean to be the late she just looses track of time so I set an alarm on her watch now that vibrates so it just reminds her I'm outside waiting!!

Transport isn't an option for her school I wish it was! If it was I would make her get it in a heartbeat!

Evening Primrose Oil is good for hormones and MACA which is a powder is great stuff.

MACA is dead easy to sneak into milkshakes without them knowing. I put in in dd's innocent smoothies blend it and stick it back in the carton!
I can't really get her to take the EPO She will but she's intermittent with it .
Ive heard Passionflower is good for keeping you calm Im planning on adding that to dd's smoothies!

What is MACA?

So yesterday I showed her how to take the train home from school. Today I offered to pick her up and she said she would rather take the train, which she managed quite nicely. Except I then get texts from her dad asking how come I couldn't just pick her up from school and telling me we "need to have a serious talk". Months ago, HE suggested taking the train as an option but now I've let her do it it seems I've done something wrong.

Kidsdontthinkimcool, that sounds tough.

Sounds like the divorce really affected her, but totally unfair you get to deal with all the shit!

Ignore your prick of an ex, you've got real children to deal with, don't need a grown-up who behaves like a child.

Rise above it - his problem not yours.

But clearly at the root of your difficulties with dd.

Maca is a root vegetable that you can buy in powder form it has a range of benefits but I love it as a mood stabiliser for myself and dd. It defiantly helps a bit as I can see a difference when she off it for a while.
www.vegkitchen.com/nutrition/7-top-health-benefits-of-maca/

I have a milkshake every morning of Maca, Cacao nibs, Cacao powder (pure), Ginseng, oats, banana, munuka honey and peanut butter (pure). Unfortunatly I can't get dd to down that but if you can its excellent for moods. I call it my natural anti depressant as its the longest Ive been off medication.

I could talk to you for hours about super foods that help but if your dd is anything like mine she won't touch them and if i sneak them i get accused of poisoning her :) Maca is the only thing so far that I've managed to hide without her knowing. Im going to try and add passion flower as thats also easy to pallet and i doubt she will know.

Thanks Vintage, I will look out for maca powder. Sometimes I manage to get a few drops of jan de vries female essence in a drink for her, not sure if it helps.

I sympathise as I have a teen DD who can be a real PITA.

I think you need to detach from your ex. Everything he says to you is designed to wind you up and control you. The only thing you can do is not to respond and this means ignoring texts, emails, calls etc if its not relevant to child access. If this means hanging up on him as soon as he becomes nasty then so be it. He will be very angry to begin with but then when he realises you mean it he is likely to leave you alone.

You do not need his shit as well as your DD's shit. You need the head space and emotional energy to focus on yourself and your DC. Stop feeding him with your responses.

The violence and verbal abuse is absolutely devastating isn't it? dd1 is living with her father now as she just could not control her aggression when upset and frustrated and ended up throwing something at dd2 and badly cutting her head. It has broken my heart to have her living apart from me but she copes better without her sisters around and to be honest I had felt I was being bullied by my own child when she was here.

It means we have to swap children when exH has the other two (Thurs for tea and alternate weekends from Sat lunchtime-Sun evening) so I do get to see her then and I have to go round on the three days a week that she has home tutoring as an adult has to be present. The downside is no time off for me, ever.

I do wonder what sort of relationship we will have as adults though - my mum and I were not close and I so wanted it to be different with my girls .

The long running thread about troubled teenagers is very helpful. A couple of posters there have been through dreadful times and have great advice.

OMG, I have 3, aged 15, 12 and 10, plus a 15yo step-daughter (who is much calmer and easier going than any of mine)!

It's exhausting. There are days when I dream longingly of having my life (and my house) back!

KateF I know exactly what you mean about wanting a closer relationship with my DD than I have with my mum. I want that so much but I don't know if it will ever happen. I'm also scared it will come down to her living with her dad - like you I feel bullied by her and worry that she will hurt me or DS one day but at the same time, I know I really don't want her to go. :(

MissScatterbrain you are 100% right about my ex. He is so smart and so manipulative that learning not to react to him is a slow and painful process. I'm trying.

And I'm so glad folks are finding this thread helpful! xx

Hello all, my partner looked this thread up as I'm struggling with my 11.5 year old girl. I don't want to end up writing an essay but I think for anyone to maybe help or advice it's a good thing to understand what a year we have had and maybe this contributes towards her bad attitude towards me?
Almost a year ago I had to have major emergency back surgery was almost paralysed, I was in hospital for weeks and when I finally came out I couldn't do a lot at all. I'm still not very mobile, better than I was I can drive now short distances and walk which is great! But I have a 2 year old too and she suffered from me being in hospital her behaviour changed, I still can't lift her up or run around at the park with her. We had to move from our house into a bungalow that to be honest is crap, it needs so much wok doing to it and we thought we could do it but the landlady has turned out to be nasty and so we will be moving again in October.
On top of all this my dad had a triple bypass last November and has now been diagnosed with cancer. I've been stressed and not handling things well at all, i guess if I'm honest I snap a lot and sometimes do snap for no good reason.
This morning my eldest got ready for school and as we were about to leave I found her doing her homework in her room, I spoke gentle and explained that she had a whole week to do this and why hasn't it been done? She shouted back, I kept cool and said going on her phone, ds, iPod, computer etc isn't as important as getting her school work done, she shouted again saying she's been too busy to do homework! Then her little sister went to give her the school bag and she snatched it hard which ended in tears for my youngest and my eldest refused to apologise so I took her new clothes I bought her yesterday away and she screamed and cried. (Was it the wrong thing to do?).
She doesn't care what she says to me, and she refuses point blank to listen, or take in anything, or apologise. She's stubborn. But I don't know how to punish this behaviour, at items I could slap her but I don't, I walk away but then I feel I'm letting her get away with speaking to me like shit. I take things away that she loves like her phone etc but it doesn't change.
She is hormonal but surely I can't let her get away with this?

Does anyone have advice? Or does anyone think it's all my own doing?

Thanks in advance.

Birchy, you haven't brought it on yourself and you're doing what I do and from talking about what I do in family counselling (due to dd's MH referral) that is good parenting. (I am not saying your dd has mh issues, seems normal & teenagery to me).

You walk away and do not blow your top. Then come back and say calmly and firmly 'you still need to...' (choose one thing, not a long list).
There is a lot there (shouting, snatching, organisation, prioritising, listening, respect for you and others and property etc.) Our number one thing has to be food for medical reasons, but if bad behaviour occurs the best thing is not to rise to the bait and think about what is causing it, what the main issue is.

When a parent is seriously ill it can cause long term stresses on all family relationships, especially if it has had an effect on family dynamics. Could there be anything your DD1 feels she can't talk to you about in case it makes you angry or stressed? Maybe talk to her school and see if she can see a school counsellor a few times? (This is not a criticism, only what we have found helpful ourselves.)

Wow, you've been through so much Birchy, I'm not surprised your struggling. Of course you haven't brought it on yourself. It's so hard ot know what the right thing to do is. My friend keeps telling me my DD is so disrespectful because I'm too soft on her but then half the time I feel like I'm just the opposite - like I'm too mean for punishing her or taking stuff away. It's a constant battle in my own head.