DD15 Addicted to Smartphone

[Etainagain]

My 15 yr old DD spends virtually every waking moment glued to her smartphone screen (fortunately, she isn't allowed a mobile at school, so there are some enforced breaks during term time). When I threaten to take it off her, she goes ballistic and her personality changes completely. She behaves like someone addicted to a hard drug, wide eyed and manic just at the very thought of her phone being taken away for a short time (I only suggested that she hand her phone over to me when she goes to bed). Her reaction and bad temper really scares me. Thing is, she is somehow managing to keep up with her school work and, at the moment, is predicted to get A*s in all subjects except one. She says that there is no reason to take her phone away as that would be punishing her when she is actually doing really well. She has got two GCSEs coming up this year and the rest next year. I don't know what to do....should I restrict her use or do you think that if she is doing OK I shouldn't worry? I should add that she doesn't get pocket money and she doesn't go out very often (never at night). Apart from the phone and the usual teenage tantrums and door slamming, she is no trouble. I'm just worried that she could throw everything away just for the sake of chatting or whatever they do on Instagram.

I always think, when I was that age I either had to see my friends at school/after school for a bit or sit on the stairs, using the only phone in the hall, with my mum listening to every word and hurrying me up.
I think at 15 I was out a lot more than my DCs are because there wasn't any other option, you couldn't sit in your room chatting to multiple people, we used to sit on a wall in the cold!
Times change, don't they and I guess it's very different now then when we were all 15. It's difficult, parenting teenagers has been by far the biggest challenge I think.

I tend to go with the theory that I know where they are, I pretty much know what they are doing/who they are talking to and somehow they have grown up into pretty decent, hardworking teenagers, even with a phone permanently glued to their hands.

I think social networking is a great thing in itself, we had far less contact with people years ago, I had a friend that kept me on the phone for hours talking about Abba or whatever it was at the time. If I had had facebook I could have connected with all the other people I knew and she could have found an Abba forum.

Group messaging is a great thing too. Like standing in the bus shelter but without the cider.

My 15 yo dd has to hand her phone over at night (9pm on school night, 10 at weekend), it sleeps on dh's bedside table, being charged.
This is to make sure she sleeps. She know it is in her best interest - she's been reading stuff on it until 3 am on a school night - but sometimes she does like to rebel against it. I had to threaten to stop her contract once.

She is similarly on target with her GCSE's, always does her homework. But she also needs sleep to unwind. She cannot be her best at school with less than 7 hours sleep. Even with the current regime she sleeps most of Sunday, being shattered from the week.

I feel it's my responsibility as a parent to make sure she has a fair chance at doing well at school. I pick my battles, screen time is one of my most important ones.

choco I think that distraction is an issue and they are never really truly 'in the moment' although that is probably a Dickensian concept now.

x-posted

That's nice of you to mention your DD's growing confidence mrsjay. Very encouraging.

I sometimes think the pushy parents who insist on their DC doing lots of swimming training + DofE, play musical instruments, go to guides etc have the right idea. (although even plenty of their children seem to keep very late hours on their phones - probably less overall time though)

They must miss the experience of observing the 'world going on' around them indeed.

"standing in the bus shelter but without the cider" Some health benefits to excessive phone use then?!

It's fantastic to be able to stay in touch with friends who have moved. And family too.

All things in moderation though....

at Dickensian concept (apparently 'mindfulness' is very 'a la mode' - lots of classes and books.)

You can pay to go on residential 'digital detox-es'. Apparently. There's an idea for DD when she leaves school in May!

I think the concentration thing is very different now. Lots of kids TV programmes seem to jump around from topic to topic every minute of so as if children can't now concentrate on anything for longer than that. I noticed this with children's TV ages before mobile phones became so prevalent. I've read a few books on mindfulness recently and think there are some really key points. For example, if I'm talking on the phone to my oldest dd (she lives away from home) am I really listening or am I trying to do something else aswell. I've made a real effort recently to focus on one thing at at time.

Davidjrmum this is why reading is so important - it is the only activity that demands prolonged attention, full attention with a constant demand for recall.

I never find time to read and my recall is not good. I never read a lot when I was younger either and I think it has had a detrimental effect on my memory.

People that can remember things without googling will be few and far between in the future.

We don't like waiting now either davidjrmum - so many things are now instant - photos, email rather than post, shorter queues in supermarkets.

I have exactly the same concerns about my 13yo DSD, but on top of that, none of the other adults in her life seem worried by the amount of time she spends with her phone. I think the problem is also exacerbated by the amount of warning articles in newspapers, which I read then pass to my DH to read but he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Her mum took her phone away for a weekend some time ago and it was as if she was a different person, sociable and communicative, participating in everything we were doing. I agree they need to be in contact with their friends and FOMO is very intense these days, but trying to put some kind of time restrictions on them is really difficult. It bugs me when we agree to watch a film or do something together as a family (we only see her for Thursday, Friday, Saturday most weeks) and she brings her phone along and continues to read and post messages. On a positive note, I showed her an article I had read regarding reduced ability to learn at school due to late use of phones at bedtime and beyond and she now always leaves her phone and IPad outside her room switched off when she goes to bed. Her school report was glowing this year and showed a marked difference from last year's. We take responsibility for waking her up so she doesn't need to use it as an alarm and she is definitely less tired and grumpy in the mornings.

Last night DD went upstairs to bed at 10.30 pm, but I heard her wandering around at 11.30 pm. No idea what time she actually got to sleep, but I know she would have been on that bloody phone the whole time. She gets up for school at 7 am, so she isn't having a lot of sleep. She's got two controlled assessments this week and was supposed to be doing some prep for one tonight, but every time I've looked over to see what she's doing, she's on the phone. I remember a time when she absolutely loved reading books but now she never reads. Her personality seems to be changing and I'm concerned that the screen time is making her mildly depressed. She used to love sport and be really positive about everything. Now she has given up a lot of sport, is always bad tempered and doesn't want to spend any time with us. But I don't know whether it's the phone or hormones to blame for that. I've been trying to find whether any good research has been done into the effect of electronics on children and teenagers, but there doesn't seem to be much information online.

It's controlled assessments, they are hateful things.

Dd is quite shy and insecure. I think deep down she doesn't feel particularly well-liked at school. She has friends, but rarely has any contact with them out of school. I think her 'phone friends' are of more value to her than her real friends and family now. I suppose that is part of the dilemma. I don't want her to feel completely cut-off and alone and yet I wonder if it is actually the phone which is contributing to this.

Yes, controlled assessments are a total nightmare. I wish they would just do away with them.

Et, one way of finding out whether the phone is the cause of her change in behaviour is by taking it off her for a while. Give her warning, tell her it's not a punishment, just an experiment.

I would be worried with my DD (14) doing anything to excess.

DD1 has never been good at 'self entertaining' and often reads books by default. Not necessarily because she is keen to read that particular book, but because she can't be bothered to think of anything else to do. In the holidays before now I have actually put in some rules to stop her reading!

I think that teens who only do one thing are quite boring / uninteresting people (especially if that one thing is phones/games/internet). Which is why we encourage / facilitate our DD to actually do stuff and meet people face to face. Somehow you have to make real life more fun than the virtual one.

Will she be moving for 6th form? Can you try asking her interview questions such as 'what do you do out of school?' or 'what do you do out of school that reflects on your chosen A levels' and see if she can answer them in an interesting way? It might make her realise how narrow her interests have become?

Otherwise maybe a ban for eg a week on all phone usage for everyone in the house after 8pm. Say if she does this with good grace you will extend to 9pm for a week, and then to 9:30pm? Or google addiction with her and let her see that she is too dependent on it?

ps I quite like controlled assessments so far , DD can prepare properly and it will be marks in the bag before end y11. She's only done a couple so far though, so my view might change.

I would never stop anyone reading.

My teenager has a very good social life and 'does' more than 'one thing' - but she still manages to spend a huge amount of time on her phone. In common with many other teens.

She admits to being addicted, like many other teenagers.

Teenandtween very good ideas there, thank you. I agree that reading can become a displacement activity/addictive same as anything else.

Not sure if this is a helpful addition but, I took up candy crush recently and my personality changed . Depressed and short tempered within about 24hrs! I'm limiting myself now and I'm much better but for a few days it was quite a personality changer.

I did that with Pacman for a while... I remember going on holiday once nearly getting a high score while boarding a plane.

mumee I was surprised I ended up curtailing DD1's reading too! It is a strange thing to do I agree.
But if I hadn't done it she wouldn't have done colouring / craft / puzzles / construction etc etc, and she needed to develop at least some level of skill in those areas. Also, she enjoyed them when she did them, but struggled to think to do them for herself.

Both my dds 16 & 18 are mostly glued to their phones/ tablets / devices.... It's the way of the world
They are both doing well in A levels both have pt jobs... I would not take their phones off them ( not at this age)! ...
I do sometimes put my foot down and ask them nicely to tear themselves away while we sit and have a family dinner...which they do ...( for a few mins)

I've taken to telling my (17YO) DD to put her phone away when she gets in the car if she's asked me for a lift - also at the dinner table. Nobody else would climb into my car and proceed to sit in silence looking at their phone after all. It's just bad manners.

I agree that it does seem to be the way of the world. But also that it's not healthy. Maybe in a few years there will be a backlash with digital detoxing becoming the latest 'thing'.