DD15 Addicted to Smartphone

[Etainagain]

My 15 yr old DD spends virtually every waking moment glued to her smartphone screen (fortunately, she isn't allowed a mobile at school, so there are some enforced breaks during term time). When I threaten to take it off her, she goes ballistic and her personality changes completely. She behaves like someone addicted to a hard drug, wide eyed and manic just at the very thought of her phone being taken away for a short time (I only suggested that she hand her phone over to me when she goes to bed). Her reaction and bad temper really scares me. Thing is, she is somehow managing to keep up with her school work and, at the moment, is predicted to get A*s in all subjects except one. She says that there is no reason to take her phone away as that would be punishing her when she is actually doing really well. She has got two GCSEs coming up this year and the rest next year. I don't know what to do....should I restrict her use or do you think that if she is doing OK I shouldn't worry? I should add that she doesn't get pocket money and she doesn't go out very often (never at night). Apart from the phone and the usual teenage tantrums and door slamming, she is no trouble. I'm just worried that she could throw everything away just for the sake of chatting or whatever they do on Instagram.

I just switch off the router, sometimes unplug it and lock it in the car, with carkeys under my pillows.

No drastic measures or anything...

Apparently the 'likes', replies to texts, snapchats etc give a little hit of dopamine. Dozens of times a day. So the smartphones are actually addictive.

Getting our teens to exercise would probably help. But that seems to be easier said than done.

You don't need a router to text though. Unfortunately.

Screens mess with their body clock due to the light quality.

I got mine a Kobo mini for christmas and that's a good substitute when I have to take the drastic internet off measures. It takes the edge off the withdrawal.

you are right the like is a boost isn't it some of my dds friends have rate looks on their facebook which i find sad

My dd is almost 16 and ds1 nearly 15.
They don't go out much in the evenings, apart from sports clubs, they are doing really well at school, predicted A*s across the board are are iPhone addicts

Their phones are never out of reach. Ever. They do not speak on the phone but text, iMessage, BBM, twitter, FB.
They take their phones upstairs at night for their alarms, they have unlimited data and I don't switch off the router because I want to use the Internet.

There's no problem as far as I can see. If they don't keep up with their schoolwork then I would reassess it. If they couldn't get up in the morning I would think that that's their own fault if they are late and they better learn how to cope with it.

I don't think I need to take the phones away just i think I should.

I did take dds phone from her she was like a zombie and not sleeping well the tantrum that it caused deserved an oscar she first tried to reason with me then she got a bit agitated and started to shake at the withdrawel then she put her head on the door and wailed IT S'NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIR well go to your bloody bed then,

Oh so that's what it's about, that makes complete sense. All that 'you're peng' (a bit old now, I know!) and 'gorgeous' mutual appreciation of photos gives them a dopamine hit.

That's actually quite worrying. Does it mean that when they don't do it they 'come down' and get into a low state?

My dd does internet forums where she is part of a 'community'. Unfortunately a lot of them live in places on a different time zone. Perhaps I need to get her to communicate with people in Nigeria and Cape Town more often.

They take their phones upstairs at night for their alarms

Of course.

I think the dopamine hit might even come just from seeing any 'activity' on their phone - notification of new texts, new additions to news feeds etc.!

I read a (short) newspaper article about parenting teenage girls which claimed that the happiest girls don't spend a lot of time on their smart phones. I suspect that prevention is better than cure. Keep them really busy with wholesome pursuits etc.

I wonder how the 'likes' compare with real human interaction. I mean when someone tells you they like your hair is that supposed to give you a dopamine hit?

horse They do actually use it as an alarm.

No doubt they use it to text, twitter or whatever but as long as they are getting up on time, arent too tired to get through the day then its fine with me.

As she is 15,getting her homework done and getting good grades I would just leave her to it. Pick your battles. I'm on my smart phone at the moment and I use it as an alarm clock. I have got an alarm clock but prefer to use my phone as it wakes me up better than an ordinary alarm clock. So I would trust your DD that she's telling the truth and not using it at bedtime. If circumstances change and she gets behind in her school work then you can think again.

horsetowater - hmm, interesting question.

Apps such as instagram seem to involve tagging your photos with words associated with getting lots of likes - from 'followers' who are unknown to you.

If you're a very close friends it seems to be compulsory to like all photos etc posted. Therefore the likes are pretty meaningless. And FB 'friends' might like or even comment on posts but never actually speak to you in person!

My gut feeling tells me that a facebook 'like' is more connected to a fear of being excluded and the relief that an affirmation of acceptance provides.

As an adult fb user I don't have that feeling, but find it more interesting that certain people like things, it's more about sharing and caring and saying 'I get that'. I think for teens it's a different thing entirely, there are some that depend on likes in a rather unhealthy way.

I think you are right horsewater my dds don't do the like thing as much as their other facebook friends but she will say oooo a text somebody loves me , it must be to do with fitting in and being accepted

That sounds very plausible. (DD has said she'd feel like she was out of the loop if she didn't use her smartphone). She is quite shy and not confident about expressing her opinions, by her own admission.

Perhaps it's a vicious circle/cycle (never know which is correct). An insecurity will lead to 'use' of social networking sites which become addictive....

Apparently, even the anticipation of a reward produces a dopamine 'hit', especially when the reward is not guaranteed. So the very act of picking up your phone....?

This is sounding more and more like something that we shouldn't be too relaxed about.

Or would our addicted teens have taken up smoking/hanging about on street corners if they didn't have phones?

what do we do though do we limit it and have them out of the loop and feel left out or do we just leave them to it, it is hard, what did our generation do or we just unhapppy so n sos not fitting in and getting instant grativication

Mine doesn't do fb much, finds it false. She does share some things on it, usually earnest political stuff about gays, racism, or the latest disaster. She's an earnest girl and far from representative of her peers. Not girly at all, can't be arsed with clothes or hair. Has a boyfriend though but rarely actually goes out with him.

But she's still addicted to her forums and messaging her friends, which is when we have the late night sneakiness and the whole family has to go offline for a while.

I would love to limit it but my DD is so stubborn I truly think she'd do something stupid which would be worse than the phone addiction. And she's 17....

I feel bad that I haven't managed to produce a more confident child . I used to be overcritical. When she was 15 I began to change my views about how to parent teenagers. Probably too late.

But than again, we've all been saying that our DD's are otherwise happy/successful. Perhaps worrying about the phone IS sweating the small stuff...

dd does group chat on facebook more than sharing i guess that is how they socialise it is just easier to do it in the middle of the night now when i was that age we had no real distractions although i did listen to a radio late into the night

dd1 wasnt confident chocca i used to feel really guilty that i had raised a girl who was so shy she couldnt talk to anybody had a mousey little voice etc etc she is nearly 21 and really blossomed not saying she will ever be a show off but is quietly confident now, she works in a shop part time so she had to find her feet eventually

But than again, we've all been saying that our DD's are otherwise happy/successful. Perhaps worrying about the phone IS sweating the small stuff...

maybe we should just let them get their hit and leave them to it

The distraction thing is an issue. DD posts more on FB and instagram when she's bored.

I'd have less of a problem if her screen time was mostly reading about 'causes,' interests etc rather than on 'empty' social network sites.

I think you're right mrsjay my dd is left out of the loop, not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing though.

It is definitely an issue psychologists will have to address at some stage. There is very little information out there, other than research aimed at the Industry in order to help them target their products at teens even better.

It's a bit like DS games. Ever tried getting OFF a DS game? It takes ages to quit and save and you have to go through numerous hoops. So even if a child dreams up a creative craft project or wants to go out for a healthy walk , it's impossible for them to do that. I think Developers are designing things that take advantage of weaknesses in our children, teens included. It's not right really.

And adults go along with it, like you mrsjay because we don't want them to be left out.