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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do you get your teenager to put their own bowls, cups etc. in the dishwashwer and turn the lights off?

88 replies

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 12:40

Is this too trivial to ask about?

It just pisses me off. It takes 5 seconds to put your own bowl in the dishwasher. It takes 1 second to flick the switch on your way out of the room.

I feel like I can't leave for work until the DC's leave for school as there will be food left out, lights on etc., all day if I'm not the last to leave. But I'd rather get to work earlier so that I can leave earlier. Can't do that until I know the DC's will do those basic things before they leave the house.

Anyone had any success in getting their kids to do this?

OP posts:

Claybury · 27/01/2014 14:09

Ask basil- I feel the same and I don't know the answer. It's just SO hard to get cooperation. I'm sure my parents only had to ask me once.
The book ' mum get out of my life ....' Made me feel SO much better as it explained that kids are just like this these days. I do feel I have failed as they are so unhelpful. But then sometimes they are busier than I was as a teen , and I don't mind 'looking after' them PROVIDED they are busy doing homework, music rehearsals etc. then I don't feel taken advantage of and they need my support. It really winds me up in the schools holidays though, when they are idle and I am still skivying.
Oh you've got me going now. ...

MrsTomHardy · 27/01/2014 14:09

Oh god I so needed to read this thread....I have 3 boys 11,14 and 15 and they do everything that has already been said....THEY DRIVE ME NUTS.......

Last week I asked my 16 year old to bring down his washing up from his room and to not just dump it next to the sink but actually wash it all up...his reply "I'm not washing it up, your the mum, it's your job"!!!!!

notso · 27/01/2014 14:12

I do think they are so self centred at that age they don't see things as being a problem.
I can remember my Mum telling me everyday to move my school bag from the corner of the room. I really didn't see how it could annoy her, it was just a bag. Now DS1 leaves his in the corner everyday and it drives me mad!

I worry about the role model. My Dad always did his fair share if cooking and cleaning, I grew up thinking that is what all Dads were like. Then I met DH's Dad.

Original poster

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 14:39

LOL

this came up on my FB feed coincidentally.

Is this sheer wishful thinking or something to aspire to?

OP posts:

Number42 · 27/01/2014 14:42

Such a relief to read this - my 13yr old DD does most of this. The lights, the disgusting mouldering cups of godknowswhat in her room. And of course the clothes. No success in getting her to do different. Lights don't seem to be a teenage thing though: DD (11) and DS (8) are just as bad. I honestly think if it weren't for me they would spend all day every day with the curtains shut and the lights on, even in the middle of the summer.

RestingActress · 27/01/2014 14:55

Oh go on then, I'll be the odd one out.

My 15yo keeps his room spotless, he folds his dirty washing before putting it in the laundry basket, he changes his bed every week, there is no crockery in his room, he puts it straight in the dishwasher, if the bin / recycling is full, instead of chucking it on the floor he empties the whole thing and puts it outside, if the lawn is too long he mows it, if my car is dirty he cleans it.

I'd love to be smug about this and claim to be a uber parent, but it is because he has autism and gets anxious if things are not as they should be.

His 10yo sister is the complete opposite and is more than making up for his deficiencies as a proper teen , I dread to think what state her cess pit of a room will be like when she actually is a teenager. She currently pays him half her pocket money each week to do all her chores as she is too lazy to do them herself.

yourlittlesecret · 27/01/2014 15:01

Eye of Sauron .
Sorry to break this to you ENB76 but we all trained them at 5.

I am currently forcing teaching DS1 to cook. Not that I haven't tried before when he was little and willing, but soon he will be off to uni.
He can now produce a meal 4 for cooked from scratch.But the DEVASTATION in the kitchen.

Enb76 · 27/01/2014 15:10

Well, it worked on me when my mother did it. I shall attempt to do the same with my daughter and you can all tell me "I told you so" in 10 years time. :)

MoreBeta · 27/01/2014 15:31

Basil - "I really don't want either of them to grow up thinking that the role of the woman in the house is to clear up everyone else's shite."

Don't worry. Our DSs treat their mother just like me.

We are their slaves and if we object to having to untangle their shirt from jumper, unroll socks, untangle underpants from trousers for the millionth time then that it just 'unreasonable and we need to chill".

Like others have said, everyone we know says how lovely and helpful polite they are when visiting other people's houses. They save it all up for us. Grrrrrrr!

MoreBeta · 27/01/2014 15:37

Enb76 - I used to be like you. I too was deluded!

I used to believe that MY children would never be like the teens of other parents. I believed that MY children would be so well trained it would never happen. I believed that the teens of other parents only behaved like teenagers because their parents had failed or were too slovenly to care. I think I might have said it on MN once.

Oh how life is coming back to bite me now.

yourlittlesecret · 27/01/2014 15:41

how lovely and helpful polite they are when visiting other people's houses
Yes and in turn I find that their friends are the model of good manners and behaviour when they are here. I suspect they leave their pants on the floor at home though. .

MothratheMighty · 27/01/2014 15:53

Well, I suppose neither of my two have ever been normal, so it's reasonable that they are unlike the average teenager.

Original poster

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 15:56

Does no-one else have a rota for chores?

OP posts:

MothratheMighty · 27/01/2014 16:00

We do have a rota, as well as splitting stuff along preference lines.
I just feel a bit like I did at the few post-baby NCT meetings I went to, with my 8 hours sleep a night and my piglet of a baby.
don't have these problems with my teens, never had and yet somehow I feel I shouldn't say that in case I get a boot up the bum for excess smuggery.
But I've always worked FT, flat out. I haven't had time to do the usual mummy/servant thing, even if I was that way inclined.

adeucalione · 27/01/2014 16:24

I know I'm being smug but mine return crockery, load the dishwasher, switch lights off and only put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

I think the key is making the wanted behaviour less hassle for them than the unwanted behaviour.

They do all have long showers though, but I let that go.

bigTillyMint · 27/01/2014 17:28

Mine do virtually all the above.

Original poster

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 18:02

"I think the key is making the wanted behaviour less hassle for them than the unwanted behaviour."

Absolutely. So how do you do that? What hassle comes about from the unwanted behaviour.

(Have just called DS away from TV to wipe down work surface he left sugar all over. I do this all the time. It's a hassle for him. At least twice a day he has this hassle. But still he leaves the sugar on the work surface. )

OP posts:

MothratheMighty · 27/01/2014 18:15

I used to just withdraw all the helpful extras, from lifts to interesting food.
There is a place for everything, stuff is easy to find and put away.
There is often a sigh, or a small grumble, but no more than that.

BackforGood · 27/01/2014 18:22

AskBasil - yes, my dc all have jobs to do - those aren't the problem, they all cook the evening meal for us one night a week, for example, it's - as you say - the leaving the sugar they spilt on the surface, or leaving mugs to grow mould in their rooms or leaving all the doors open and lights on.

Yes, I call them back if they are in the house, but it's the times when I'm not there and don't discover it until they aren't there.

hamptoncourt · 27/01/2014 19:10

The lights are a real problem when you leave early and you know they will all be left on all damn day.

I found 13 items of crockery/glasses in DS (13) room yesterday as well as various food wrappers strewn across the floor.

I am on the verge of giving up and just not venturing into their rooms at all, but then I fear the floordrobes will get totally out of hand and they will embarrass me by going out with filthy clothes on.

As it is, they are lying in filthy sheets since I told them they have to strip their own beds and then make them again once I have washed and dried bedding. DD16 actually slept on the mattress for two weeks rather than make her bed!!! Their laziness even when it is them who suffers is astounding at times.

adeucalione · 27/01/2014 19:12

AskBasil, sounds like you're doing everything right then, your DC are just very determined

But in your sugar example there wasn't really a negative consequence to not wiping the sugar away - he took a punt on you doing it but you didn't on this occasion, so he ended up doing it himself. Same energy expended but small hope of never having to do it.

Negative consequences would be something like 'I notice you've left sugar on the work surface, please wipe it up and, while you're there, load the dishwasher and put the kettle on. From now on, if you leave a mess, I'll find an extra job for you to do'.

SauvignonBlanche · 27/01/2014 19:17

I've given up!

MrsBright · 27/01/2014 19:24

Light left on in bedroom - easy solution in this house - I just do something that really annoys DD when I turn it off, I leave the door wide open. This means the cats sleep on her bed which she hates. It got through eventually.... if you don't want the cats on your bed, turn the effing light off. Simples.

Original poster

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 19:42

adeucalione, that's an excellent idea, will think up a few extra ways to persecute them.

OK I know this is obsessive but I googled these I would like those timed shower thingies as well, like they have in my local swimming pool - they give you about 10 seconds of water before they switch themselves off, which is taking it to extremes but I would love to be able to have a timer whcih switched off after 5 mins and wouldn't come on again. Mwahahahahahaha

Mind you, I also fantasise about having one of those high energy hand driers that make your skin go all funny but for whole bodies, instead of towels. Ooh I'd love one of those.

OP posts:

Greenkit · 27/01/2014 20:34

I recently removed son and daughters computers and mobiles because of this very thing.

Soon changed their minds

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