Should we let dd (13) keep having days off?

[badasahatter]

Dd just turned 13 and this last couple of months she has been uncharacteristically poorly. It's not constant, so I am perhaps less worried than I would be if it were, but it is regular and frequent. It seems to be Thursdays and Fridays in particular.

She hasn't started her periods. I did think it was tiredness and it could be still but what do I do?

There are no apparent problems. It doesn't link to lessons she doesn't like. She never actually throws up, just feels sick. Her nutrition is not great as she has a self-restricted diet but that isn't changing any time soon.

What do I do? Do I take her to the Doctors? Make her go to school? Please help...I'm not used to poorliness.

I think the key here is to figure out just what's happening with her.

Tonight, I'll ask her if she wants to give up piano, but I suspect she'll say no. She writes her own music and loves playing, but I think she's just not in the routine of lessons. Of course, I could just be projecting and she might say she hates it and it's causing anxiety. We're not pushing for exams to be passed. This is supposed to be a pleasurable past-time. If it's not, it's certainly not worth the £18 a lesson we're paying!

I have asked her about school lessons/anxiety but will chat with her again...maybe not tonight. I think she'll be pissed off with me today for sending her to school, so maybe a night of dvds and ice-cream after piano. Maybe asking her if she wants to quit piano will put me in good books.

If she still feels poorly next week, I will take her to the doctors. She could be anaemic. She looks like something out of Twilight, except her eyes don't glow orangey/brown, but she's always been very, very pale. I haven't taken her to the docs in the past because she's always been so healthy. I said this morning, four illnesses in a short period indicates something's not right. That means we need to sort it out. If she's poorly again in the near future, that will confirm it for both of us and leave us in doubt she needs to go to the docs.

It's parent's evening soon. I'll be asking at school if there are any issues, either academic or social that they are aware of. They are choosing options this year, but dd has always known what she wants to do and does not seem worried about this. She's been told she's a 7c in classics and that's made her really happy. Similarly for her Creative Writing. She's not doing so well with the English Language, but that'll come. Her maths is average, but she's o.k. about that so I don't think that's a source of anxiety.

DD is very independent. She's also quietly tough...not cocky, but a rod of iron in a velvet glove kind of tough. Her friends have told me before now about how she gets on with nearly everyone but that she doesn't suffer fools gladly. She had one girl, an aggressive girl, being horrible to her in the early part of the year, but she stood up to her. In addition, a friend of this girl stood up for dd saying, 'leave her alone, she's in my French group and she's lovely'. Said girl came up later and was nicer than pie. I get the feeling dd can handle herself o.k. but that doesn't mean something might not have gone wrong.

DD and I have had lots of lovely chats lately about friends, boys at school, life in general, how she feels about the friend she fell out with, what she wants for the future. That doesn't mean there aren't issues, but she has generally talked to me about things. I'll let her know she can talk to me about anything she wants to and see if anything comes up from there.

Thanks for all the advice. Fingers crossed it's just teenage grumpiness/laziness. If not, we will take whatever action we need to.

noots that situation sounds awful. I'm so sorry you went through this.

I was bullied at school and got pushed down the stairs, so I am really sensitive to bullying. I hope that by keeping communication channels open, she'll tell me if she's got a problem.

noots: how horrible for you.
I'm sorry for my triple post; I have no idea what happened there.

noots, how terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. :(

hatter, it does sound like it could be anaemia. When I had it last year, I felt sick often, as well as very tired. And the diet you describe doesn't contain much iron...

My six year old does this op!

I took him to the drs explained the situation (that when he doesn't want to do something his stomach starts hurting) and he prescribed gaviscon.

It's actually worked, not sure if he really did have a bad stomach and the gaviscon has sorted it ( esp since he eats loads and loads of fruit which is very acidic) or he's better because he hates the taste of gaviscon so much !

Thank you all for the kind words. I really wish I had told my parents as what happened has made a massive impact on my life.

I hope your DD is ok badasahatter you sound like you have a great relationship. I almost hope she is just skiving rather than ill or avoiding school for a serious reason.

good luck, OP. I would also say that if piano isn't fun, drop it. She doesn't need musical accomplishments long-term. :-)

that terrible diet seems the first priority. If she looks like death warmed up as you describe, that's nature saying 'eat the right foods'. That means seasonal (not raspberries and melon year round, also hideously expensive), more green veg and fewer chips.

as I said - good luck.

She was skiving I suspect as she came home from school on Thursday saying 'I still feel poorly', then promptly ate chicken breast and pasta and cucumber followed by cheesecake and chocolate. Mmmm....clearly poorly, I don't think.

She is currently upstairs shaking the lights on the basement ceiling, bouncing around with two of her friends. Lord knows what they're doing. And I thought they'd grow out of noisy playdates!

We had a long chat yesterday and dd said she didn't like going to piano, cos she would rather stay in the house. I told her I'd happily cancel after half term, but we're paid up til then, but dd is determined to get into a good uni, and she knows an extra curricular activity will go down well on her cv, so she's determined to stick at it. She likes that we nag her to go, she just says she doesn't always want to go at that moment.

Her friendships are fine and she's promised to tell me if anything happens. I said 'I know we have this opinion of you that you get on with everyone (nearly) and can handle things on your own really well, but if stuff goes wrong, we're here to listen and we would never be disappointed or upset if you felt you couldn't cope with something'. It's so difficult because she sees herself as independent and she is to a huge degree, but I have to remind her that even grown ups struggle sometimes and need help. Hence me posting on here!

The food issue is a much bigger fish and one I'm fed up with frying to be honest. It causes huge problems between me and DH as he reckons he was the same and he grew out of it. I can't imagine anyone being the way she is with food and just suddenly turning round and trying new foods. She actually gags when trying something new. I have mentioned it to the doctor, but he says that she's eating something from each of the food groups, she's thriving physically and mentally, apart from this blip with the poorliness, and she's happy. He said to push her too hard at this age might not be great and could cause eating disorders. I have to put my hand on my heart and say I fecked up with food for my daughter. I didn't home cook when she was very small because I worked, so she ended up with a lot of jar food. She didn't transition well, and I kept thinking that she'd submit to peer pressure...it never happened. Now, all I can do is talk to her about it and encourage her to eat different things but til she's ready, it's unlikely to happen. I think, short term, multivits are the answer. I am hoping that the cookbooks I bought for her for Christmas will encourage her to cook more with me and taste her food. You never know...miracles do occur!

I may well use the gaviscon for DD if she says she feels ill. We always have some in the house and if nasty medicine is the 'reward' for a poorly tum, she might stop faking it. You never know.

Thank you all so much for your help and comments. Have a lovely weekend all.

Don't beat yourself up about food,hatter. If we look for things we did wrong, we can always find something!

Do get her iron/ferritin levels checked though. Or just get her a good supplement (liquid iron is more easily absorbed). It takes about 3 months to get iron levels up if they are low.

flow4 thank you for those kind words. I do feel like I fell down on the food front and I do beat myself up about it sometimes. But we picked our battles. I would encourage anyone to pick food as a battle early on, but I am not sure I wouldn't get it wrong again.

We did some things right, cos we got a gorgeous, if sometimes sulky, teen who isn't easily led and who is comfy in her own, twilight pale skin.

I will get her iron levels checked. I remember as a child, my mum took me to the doctors sooo many times because I was too thin and too pale and I was always as fit as a flea. The doc used to prescribe this hideous medicine called Minadex to build me up and I'd be forced to endure it for weeks at a time. I never did get any bigger, well not til my 20's.

I think mum thought there must be something wrong with me because I was really premature (nearly died) and my head was too small for my body (compared to her other 5 children). When I turned out to be the most academic out the lot of us, she couldn't catch her breath. Mind you I was always the laziest, so she was maybe onto something. Mmm...just realised where dd might be getting it from

Aww hatter, lots of children are fed on jars and are just fine. We have this idealised vision of what we should be doing but you know, we can only do our best. Don't beat yourself up. Please.

Thanks RhonaJean. That's lovely of you... I don't beat myself up about much else. In fact I can be a bit smug, so I deserve to have something I was cruddy at. I catch myself being smuggy pants sometimes and then remind myself how lucky we were that placid dd took after her dad and wasn't the little varmint I was as a tot/teen.

Sorry....RhondJean. I also have a proclivity to miss out my 'd's.

Please don't beat yourself up OP. I was very restrictive as a child, I would literally starve myself if I didn't want to eat it and I was a stick insect.

Now, you really couldn't find a more foodie and adventurous person. I honestly made my parents despair of me but I am totally fine now.

Honestly as a child I was the Fussiest eater. My diet was nowhere near as good as your dd's and now I will try anything and eat a hugely varied diet.
I have 3 DC, one great eater, one really poor eater and one not bad eater. From weaning they always got the same as each other so honestly don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault and I'd be delighted if my dc2 even came close to eating what your dad does.

I used to skive off to catch up on my schoolwork...

Just a thought!

PS. Unless she is applying for Music or related subject, don't worry about dropping piano.

Schools get obsessive about this (why?) - and actually its pretty much irrelevant as ECs will never, ever be a deal-breaker on any UCAS application. Unis are far more interested in 'why I want to study this subject at Uni' than music lessons and school societies. Trust me, I work in admissions.

Um, hatter, you may just have accidentally stumbled on the key to your DD's food faddism... If food is an important issue for you - as you say, "I do feel like I fell down on the food front and I do beat myself up about it sometimes" - then your DD has a ready-made button to push.

Teenagers are highly skilled, consciously or unconsciously, at identifying the things we are sensitive about, and focussing their problems or rebellion there. For example, I care more about education and learning than almost anything... And my DS1 started truanting at 14/15, underachieved dramatically and declared that "university is shit". Another poster recently told how her DS has begun to miss meals - just not turning up - and how much it bothers her, since she feels that sitting down together is a really important part of family life.

I personally think this kind of challenge is biologically-driven: it's part of what they 'need' to do to break free of you emotionally and become independent. It makes sense to me that a teen who is struggling to grow up should instinctively recognise the areas of their life which are particularly important to you, and pick these as the ones they will fight about or 'make their own' first or foremost.

I don't know if that makes any kind of sense to you... I may be wrong... But it might just ring true... :)

i don't have teenage children (ds is 2) so i only say this from my experience as a teacher (secondary) and my own teenage years.
i was lucky enough to have a mum who although matter of fact and not a pushover re days off etc would always believe me over anyone else, she once said this at the end of a parents evening and explained it was because she had known me longer than she had known the teachers. this is not to say i got away with bad behaviour but that i felt support and trust.
whilst i appreciate you have to keep her going to school i wonder if approaching her illness as concern might be best angle,e.g "sorry to hear you are not feeling well, i am worried about you. lets stay off school today and see a gp as we need to know why this keeps happening. "
i think you can see if someone is anemic by having a look at area around eye so gently pull down skin below eye and inside should be filled with red ish blood vessels . even pale people will have this, if not might need iron supplements?
as for diet, sounds like there are quite a few things she will eat, she may already do this but do you involve her in cooking meals? you could ask her to do dinner for you all once or twice a week, she could even shop for ingredients, might get her to try new stuff, or try to impress you?
lastly i agree with pp perhaps time for a break from piano lessons, i would keep piano and enthuse about casual use,.but you might find she just doesn't get on with teacher or enjoy the ridgity of lessons. i had a very odd piano teacher who i found particularly strange. i found his enthusiasm for scales and graded exams a bit tedious, my mum found a less rigid teacher and i enjoyed it much more!
think overall i am trying to say nurture your relationship with her, take her out for hot chocolate and a brownie / cake now and again and just chat about normal stuff, as i think its tempting with teenagers to only talk to them when you have this'something to discuss'.

sorry i hadn't seen bit about recipe books before i posted. i think you are blaming yourself necessarily re jars of food, think that everyone is different and maybe this present time is not right for radical diet changes and as you say supplements would be a good start.
you sound like a lovely mum, don't beat yourself up. if you are confide in her abilities she will believe in herself too.

The GP told me the 'look in the eyes' thing is not reliable. My eyes were fine. Also, the 'normal' range for ferritin is something like 16-175 (UK), and you are only 'officially' anaemic if your level drops to 15. I spent months at 16-20, feeling terrible, and the first GP I saw didn't even mention it. The second pointed out that the threshold is arbitrary and there is no real difference in how someone actually feels with a level of 16 compared with 15.

Has she lost weight?
If she is very slim, and nauseous a lot, keep in your mind it could be an organic problem such as Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis.... Symptoms are insidious just bear it in mind and take to GP if continues.

I did this as a teenager. Made up reasons why I couldn't go to school. I was being bullied by an evil bitch and as soon as I told someone the school sorted it. Not wanting to worry you but it might be worth gently questioning her if all's well.