aibu to think that being a sahm to a 16 year old and a child at uni must be living through them?

[caroleharolde]

My daughters friends mum is a sahm and has always been, her two kids are 16 and 18 and the family is very wealthy and live in a large house. However I can't help feeling sorry for the children as the mother seems to be so unoccupied in her life that she lives through her children. She often makes her 16 year old miss out and doing things with friends so they can go on days out every weekend or spend time with the mother, every weekend. She doesn't do any charity work and it just seems like without work her life is so lacking that she makes her kids too centred around the family. Aibu to feel sorry for her children? The boy at uni has to ring his mother daily to speak to her and the 16 year old had to miss out on a school trip abroad to go away with her family instead.

childr

YABU MIL was a nightmare with DH and she was working. It isn't purely a work or not thing. Many working parents are over protective or suffocating, I know many of them.

And if she is happy as a SAHM good for her i say.

Say it again Carole, I missed that

Your title was rather misleading as it specifically stated that you thought "being a sahm to a 16 year old and a child at uni must be living through them". And it doesn't take a vast amount of imagination to imagine scenarios where this would be very far from being the case.

As to whether it is the case in this particular instance- well, that rather depends on whether the 16yo feels it a burden to do things with their families most weekends or not. At this age, I preferred doing things with my parents as I found them more interesting and had more interests in commong with them than with any of the friends that were around at that time. Going out with my parents I could do things that interested me- going out with friends I had to pretend an interest in things that I found as dull as ditchwater. That was hardly the fault of my mother or any evidence that she was controlling.

Do you know for a fact that the 16yo wanted to go on a school trip rather than doing whatever she was doing with the family? Sometimes parents make handy excuses and I have been known to invent sudden activities just to give my dc a chance to politely back out of something they really don't fancy going to.

I have four teens and love spending time with them. They are great company and I am making the most of them while I still have them.

I will generally suggest something to do as a family on the weekend and sometimes they'd prefer to see their friends, and sometimes they'd prefer to see their family. From time to time they have all used 'family plans' as an excuse to get out of doing something with friends that they'd rather not do, so perhaps your DD's friend does that too?

They also text me quite a lot - to tell me stuff, to ask advice etc. I think it's nice tbh, and it definitely comes from them. They seem to have lots of friends and good social lives, so I can't see why someone like you would feel sorry for them OP.

And regarding the holiday - she may have chosen the family holiday, her parents might not be able to afford both the holiday and the trip, or they may object to the trip if it is going somewhere she has already been or represents poor value for money.

Well, my job is perfectly ok and reasonably well paid, but if I didn't need the money I'm not sure I would bother .

OK it's unusual for a dc at uni to ring home every day, but not unheard of. And maybe the dd preferred going on the family trip to the school trip. Some teens actually like spending time with their families . If she is happy and the dc are happy, where is the harm in it?

I know quite a lot of women in this position.

Many of them never intended to still be at home, but it's very difficult to return to work after many years at home.

And yes, some of them are far too involved in their young people's lives as a displacement for having a life of their own. But most just get on with things and are no more involved than the next person.

YABU , she can't make someone call her everyday ,they obviously do it because they want to and perhaps the younger child uses the mum as an excuse to get out of doing things with friends . My dd hated school trips and would have certainly said that she couldn't go rather than didn't want to IYSWIM , it just makes it easier to fit in .

I think you are over thinking all this.

Nobody knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors.

Its absolutely nothing to do with you !

Just for a different perspective - I was that child. And it was bloody hard work!

My mum stopped work the second she found out she was pregnant with me and didn't work another day in her life, I'm 27 now.

All through my teen years, I had to stay in to 'keep her company' rather than going to see my friends, had to ask/arrange weeks in advance to go out and even then got the guilt trip "so I'll just sit here on my own then while you gallivant off again..." etc

I have 2 DC now and while I obviously adore them, I am careful not to revolve my whole life around them, still work PT and see friends occasionally etc (much to my mothers dismay that 'I'm not a proper mother if I'm not there for them 24/7')

It also affected the relationship with my father, my mother was the perfect parent who always knew best so he backed off and we're not close now, barely speak so DCs spend lots of time just on their own with DP

It also broke my mother when I went off to uni and she got very serious depression, which she reminded me of regularly, again a big thing to deal with at 18 so DP and I are already (even though DCs are little) thinking of things we'd like to do when they move out

Well, I know that, at 16, I used "family time" as an excuse to get out of things. If I didn't want to go to parties or to see certain friends I always used the "my mum said no" excuse to get out of it. Are you sure this woman's DD isn't doing that? It's pretty common with teenagers!

Anyway, if she wants to (and can afford to) stay at home, why shouldn't she? I certainly wouldn't go to work if I could afford to spend my days at home with DC.

Pavlov's cats, DH's mum was the same and she was a WOHM so I don't think it is a work or not thing.

'And yes, some of them are far too involved in their young people's lives as a displacement for having a life of their own.'

Being a SAHM does not mean you have no 'life of your own' either wordfactory.

jellybeans which is why I said most of them were not overly involved.

Don't be so defensive.

However, if you're the type to be overly involved, being a SAHM must give you more time to be a PITA, I would have thought. If you're overbearing but out at work 12 hours a day, there's must be less time to be demanding.

Not quite SAHM but I only work a few hours and DH is home full time as he is retired.

We also live in the sticks and have two teenagers. I love their company.
They certainly get more family time than friends whose parents work long hours.
Because he doesn't work DH doesn't place that huge value on his days off.
It's always DH who ferries DS2 and his friends around (no buses before you ask). It was DH who picked DS1 and his drunken friends up from the pub at 1am on NYE and took them all home to 4 different villages.

We go out for meals as a family and they come on holiday with us 2 or 3 times a year. I love their company, yet they also have their own lives.