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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

aibu to think that being a sahm to a 16 year old and a child at uni must be living through them?

38 replies

caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 20:31

My daughters friends mum is a sahm and has always been, her two kids are 16 and 18 and the family is very wealthy and live in a large house. However I can't help feeling sorry for the children as the mother seems to be so unoccupied in her life that she lives through her children. She often makes her 16 year old miss out and doing things with friends so they can go on days out every weekend or spend time with the mother, every weekend. She doesn't do any charity work and it just seems like without work her life is so lacking that she makes her kids too centred around the family. Aibu to feel sorry for her children? The boy at uni has to ring his mother daily to speak to her and the 16 year old had to miss out on a school trip abroad to go away with her family instead.

childr

OP posts:
Featherbag · 19/01/2014 20:36

I missed the part where this is any of your business! Does she make your kids ring her or go out with her? On what basis do you judge her life to be 'lacking?' YABhideouslyU, nosy and judgy!

alma123 · 19/01/2014 20:37

I think YABU. It sounds like she is family focused and whilst being a SAHM isn't a lifestyle choice I would make, I don't see what the issue is and why you are judging that she isn't doing charity work etc. Maybe she has other things to keep her busy like running and cleaning her large house

AngelinaCongleton · 19/01/2014 20:39

Sound like a few close happy families I know of.

LynetteScavo · 19/01/2014 20:40

I'm Envyof your daughters friends mum, and don't feel at all sorry for her children.

georgedawes · 19/01/2014 20:41

Agreed, none of your business.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 19/01/2014 20:45

Are they all happy? If so then YABU. it seems a bit weird to criticise a mother for making things centre round the family - having to go on holiday and days out at the weekend doesn't sound too miserable (unless of course you know the dd hates it).

Live and let live.

Ragwort · 19/01/2014 20:46

I agree that it is no one else's business but I think it is odd too. I have a friend like this (her children are even older) and I do feel she lives through them, ie: they phone/text her all the time, even if she and I are out doing something - theatre/film/meal etc she will totally disengage from me if one of the children sends a text. She does however admit that 'they are her whole life' (she does have a lovely husband too Wink) - and that she finds it very hard now that they have left home. Unlike your friend she does have lots of interests & voluntary work but just can't seem to let her children go. I think she is secretly horrified at my 'laissez faire' attitude to my children Grin.

Starballbunny · 19/01/2014 20:46

likely to be in a few years time, you can't just walk into a job when you've been a SAHM for years.

I never intended not to work, but it's ridiculously easy to end up trapped at home if what you'd earn isn't worth the hassle.

We live in the sticks, there is no public transport so it would still be very unfair leaving the DDs for days on end in the holidays just because they can look after them selves.

JeanSeberg · 19/01/2014 20:47

She sounds incredibly controlling but what can you do?

alma123 · 19/01/2014 20:48

My DC are my life too - wouldn't have it any other way thank you very much!

Starballbunny · 19/01/2014 20:48

But I'm not that silly about my DCs.

DD1 git a text saying shut up last time I was out with my friends.

She was somewhere, she was being rude texting too.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/01/2014 20:52

Are you implying that all SAHM mums with late teen children/children at university must be living through their children, or are you concerned that this one mum is living vicariously through her children?

Because it looks like the former, not the latter to me, and if so, you are making the hugest of generalisations based on only one example, and that is a silly thing to do.

If you are judging this one mum for living through her children, then, unless you are closely related or know the family and their dynamics really well and unless the children concerned are telling you or others that they re unhappy! then you are poking your nose where it has no business! and should perhaps butt out.

I have three boys - ds1 is 20, away at university reading Law, ds2, also away at university, reading Maths. Ds3, 16, is about to take his prelims for his Highers - and I am a SAHM - and I can promise you that I am not living through them or curtailing their private lives by making them do stuff with me, nor am I pushing into their lives.

Starballbunny · 19/01/2014 21:13

well put SDT.

Living in a rural area means DDs doing things with their friends takes planning, they can't just pop next door. So at weekends they may end up doing things with us, when town DCs might have gone round to a mates or be hanging round town.

Just because I end up spending time with my almost 16y DD doesn't mean I live through her.

Ragwort · 19/01/2014 21:36

No one is saying that all SAHMs with teenage or older children are 'living through their children' Confused - I am a SAHM with a teenage child myself (also living in a rural area Grin). The OP was commenting about a particular person's behaviour, and I added my comments about someone I know.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/01/2014 21:43

Well - I think that is'what the title of this thread says, Ragwort - hence my question.

BeerTricksPotter · 19/01/2014 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 21:54

Just to clarify, I wasn't referring to all those on that situation as I realise everybodys reasons are different. I was just commenting on this particular situation. None of my business I know, but surely mumsnet is partly just to rant a bit or comment on things you find bizarre or don't understand which you'd never dream of talking about in person?

OP posts:
Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 21:54

Just to clarify, I wasn't referring to all those on that situation as I realise everybodys reasons are different. I was just commenting on this particular situation. None of my business I know, but surely mumsnet is partly just to rant a bit or comment on things you find bizarre or don't understand which you'd never dream of talking about in person?

OP posts:
Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 21:54

Just to clarify, I wasn't referring to all those on that situation as I realise everybodys reasons are different. I was just commenting on this particular situation. None of my business I know, but surely mumsnet is partly just to rant a bit or comment on things you find bizarre or don't understand which you'd never dream of talking about in person?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/01/2014 22:06

Thank you for clearing that up (a lot Grin), Carole.

Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 22:24

Haha sorry! Didn't realised it had posted 3 times,woops

OP posts:
Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 22:24

Haha sorry! Didn't realised it had posted 3 times,woops

OP posts:
Original poster
caroleharolde · 19/01/2014 22:24

Haha sorry! Didn't realised it had posted 3 times,woops

OP posts:
hoppinghare · 19/01/2014 22:44

Maybe they like spending time together. How nice.

Thants · 19/01/2014 22:51

She's not a sahm. She just doesn't work. Which is fine but if your children are independent and at school/ college then you aren't a sahm.
Anyway they sound close which is nice. I know lots of people my age who phone their mum every day!