Anyone else really struggle with the thought of their Daughters having sex?

[shanelle5]

I think I may have hugely over reacted so come in here for a wet fish slap/reality check or some reassurance advice - anything is good!

My daughter to be fair IS 17 so I know I should at least be happy she waited and wasnt/isnt 14/15 like some of her peers.

She had her first "proper" boyfriend late ast year, only together a month and of course, I understand its natural for her to want to dtd with him however much I struggle with the idea

I was a little disapointed or saddened that 1) he wasnt someone she was with very long 2) she decided to lose her virginity to him at a party (probably whilst drinking) and 3) she didnt seem to be THAT into him, definatley not in love but ok, I coped with it, I know its normal for her to experiment and she is legal etc. Still felt very sad and funny about it but...

Next, I come home unexpetedly, thinking she is alone on Xbox to find her in bed with this disgusting grungy looking skater type boy who obviously is in need of a wash. He's a known pot head, they are not going out and it appears to be just casual sex.

I kick him out and sit DD down for another chat to be told, EVERYONE does it, ALL my friends have had sex with LOADS of people and that im "lucky" she has waited so long and at 17 its NONE of my business and she can do what I like. All the while smirking at me while I feel physically sick at the thought of my precious daughter all clean and innocent (once upon a time!) with THAT boy with his hands all over her and worse!

We had a row, she flounced off and did not come home. She thinks I over react to everything, I think Im being a normal Mum who is trying her best - but failing to guide and steer her child into adulthood, who wants her to have respect for herself and not be having meaningless, loveless and dangerous sex even if she is nearly an adult.

All evening cannot get the image out of my head, am I over reacting please? How do other Mums feel about their DD having sex anyway, I think Id be ok if it were with someone she had been with a while and had real feelings for, who I knew would treat her kindly etc. But this? Im so sad and actually quite shocked and even a little bit disgusted with her that she looks like she is giving it away to anyone and is going to very quickly get a reputation as the local slapper if she isnt careful(sorry I know thats probably wrong)

I agree with you Shanelle - I would be very disappointed if my DS had lots of casual sex with random strangers - and I think you are perfectly within your rights to say 'not in my house'. I had a colourful sex life when I was younger but I would never have bought someone home to have sex in my parents' house. Tough if you have to go behind the bike shed or whatever - why make it so comfortable and easy for young people? Those of you who are happy for your teenagers to have sex in your home are you really just sitting in the next room happily and ignoring any sounds etc? And how do younger children feel about it?

Never forget a friend of mine who wanted to be terribly 'liberal' about her daughter's sex life and bought her a double bed but soon got fed up with a stream of different boys turning up for Sunday morning breakfast . She felt she couldn't even get herself a cup of tea in the morning or walk round her own house in her dressing gown.

Good point Wally .

OP, I think you would be a very strange mum indeed if you'd caught your DD in bed with a grungy drug user and didn't bat an eyelid, so you should cut yourself some slack for any perceived over-reaction.

Just because she's 17 doesn't mean you stop caring, or wanting to offer her guidance, and I can totally understand why you would prefer her to be experimenting within a caring relationship.

As others have said, you can't make her share your values but you are allowed to feel disappointed and to vent on here; to her I would just reiterate house rules and try to initiate discussions about keeping safe physically and emotionally. You might find her more receptive once she's calmed down and recovered from embarrassment-induced defensiveness.

Thank you very much again for the kind words, I really appreciate the reply's. It seems Im not in absolute minority as it at first appeared, though yes, I do realise my wording in the OP was shockingly put Thanks all, really been helpful to get advice and mostly, to hear all the opinions and feelings on this emotive topic!

I think it's really difficult to be a responsible parent to teens of this age who are having sex within the home. It's very difficult to find a balance between offering guidance/trying to impose your own values and understanding that they're borderline adult/young adults who are entitled to have their own values and have some space to find out who they are/make mistakes etc

Also, while it would be great if we could give detailed advice, sexual activity is/ought to be a private thing between the people involved so there will probably be a limit on the advice you can usefully offer.

FWIW although I would genuinely be very happy for my DD to be having joyful sex with her (lovely) BF I'd be disappointed if she appeared to be having very casual sex - as I don't think she's confident enough in herself/her body to be doing it just for the enjoyment. But I don't think it's immoral - more on a par with excessive alcohol consumption or similar. I would advise against it, but not be openly outraged. I've heard that hook ups are very common - but I don't think my DD is in a group who do this. Another mum told me that students (ie 18+) often have sex BEFORE they begin a relationship. I don't know whether or not that's common.

There's a website aimed at teens and twenty- somethings who are or would like to be sexually activ,e called 'Scarleteen'. You and your DD would probably learn a lot from it.

You're entitled to your values and it's your family home. I'm fairly liberal and I really like my DD's BF but I'm secretly quite glad when he doesn't stay the night and we have the place to ourselves on Sunday mornings.

I don't think you should worry about your DD 'getting a reputation'. Any one who judges her must have a lot of time on their hands to dwell on these things and a problem that should be theirs, not yours or your DD's.

People who judge teenagers for having an unconventional appearance or active sex life make me

Thanks choco especially for the web suggestion, am off to have a good read through that and will most likely direct DD to it also, really thank you.

I think I probably should have mentioned, she has an eating disorder and history of self harm so is already very harsh on her body with low self esteem and all the issues that this comes with. I think this may be just another side of that but probably one of the reason which I over-reacted and bloody stupid of me as its likely to have made matters a million times worse and have the damn opposite effect

Although society is wrong to judge teens for sexual behaviour, that sadly doesn't alter the fact that it's very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of gossip. You can either wake up in the morning after sex and be all dreamy and tingly and happy, or you can be full of dread, will he call, am I pregnant, have I caught something, will he tell people or worse still say comment on my body etc. I feel an instinctive need to help my teen through this and help them think ahead a bit and that will definitely include encouraging them to wait until they know somebody well enough to judge. As someone upthread said, you can't protect yourself from everything with a condom.

Op as the mother of 17 & 19 year old girls I just want you to know that I feel exactly the same as you. I want them to have sex with boys who like and care for them. I personally feel that there is enormous pressure on girls to dtd because 'everyone is'.
There doesn't seem to be the progression that therecused to be, you know holding hands, snogging fumbling before you progress to full sex.
Sorry not much help!

Fairyliz yes it IS help to read and know others feel the same and know Im not alone, so thank you for posting to share your views, I agree with the progression thing too

I think teenagers are under enough pressure to have sex without their parents also nodding indulgently and putting condoms on the weekly shop. Obviously we all hope to have an open channels of communication about sex and safe sex, STDs etc, but also a message of restraint. They are far less likely to regret not sleeping with anyone than the other way round.

I agree.

But open parental disapproval risks rebellious teenagers having sex just so they can feel they're rebelling. Which is obviously not a good reason to dtd. A non-judgmental attitude to dtd with a loved partner won't give teenagers the impression that they're missing out if they don't engage in sexual activity.