Anyone else really struggle with the thought of their Daughters having sex?

[shanelle5]

I think I may have hugely over reacted so come in here for a wet fish slap/reality check or some reassurance advice - anything is good!

My daughter to be fair IS 17 so I know I should at least be happy she waited and wasnt/isnt 14/15 like some of her peers.

She had her first "proper" boyfriend late ast year, only together a month and of course, I understand its natural for her to want to dtd with him however much I struggle with the idea

I was a little disapointed or saddened that 1) he wasnt someone she was with very long 2) she decided to lose her virginity to him at a party (probably whilst drinking) and 3) she didnt seem to be THAT into him, definatley not in love but ok, I coped with it, I know its normal for her to experiment and she is legal etc. Still felt very sad and funny about it but...

Next, I come home unexpetedly, thinking she is alone on Xbox to find her in bed with this disgusting grungy looking skater type boy who obviously is in need of a wash. He's a known pot head, they are not going out and it appears to be just casual sex.

I kick him out and sit DD down for another chat to be told, EVERYONE does it, ALL my friends have had sex with LOADS of people and that im "lucky" she has waited so long and at 17 its NONE of my business and she can do what I like. All the while smirking at me while I feel physically sick at the thought of my precious daughter all clean and innocent (once upon a time!) with THAT boy with his hands all over her and worse!

We had a row, she flounced off and did not come home. She thinks I over react to everything, I think Im being a normal Mum who is trying her best - but failing to guide and steer her child into adulthood, who wants her to have respect for herself and not be having meaningless, loveless and dangerous sex even if she is nearly an adult.

All evening cannot get the image out of my head, am I over reacting please? How do other Mums feel about their DD having sex anyway, I think Id be ok if it were with someone she had been with a while and had real feelings for, who I knew would treat her kindly etc. But this? Im so sad and actually quite shocked and even a little bit disgusted with her that she looks like she is giving it away to anyone and is going to very quickly get a reputation as the local slapper if she isnt careful(sorry I know thats probably wrong)

Fair enough to say you don't want randomers in the house.

young women

OP the 1950s want their Mummy back . I agree with not wanting to be confronted with my children's sex life but for god's sake I hope they have one. Butt out of the discussions and tell her to have sex elsewhere like all previous generations have had to do. Speak to her about safe sex and keep reminding her and then leave her to it.

Laurie thats fine for some young women but at 17 years old I was more than capanle of ensuting I orgadmed during sex and speaking out. I personally find it veey easy to seperate sex from love. I think its patronising to women saying they must be in love and they have no confidence to speak out and cadual sex is bad for them. For 1000s if young womem its not, and society still needs to change its attitudes

Oh op - i think you're getting a hard time here. I only have DS (and he's just a baby) so no real advice BUT i remember being that age.

I also teach teenagers - many if whom come to me for advice about boys and i always tell them that casual sex is fine if thats what they're happy with, if it's safe, mutually agreed and mutually accepted that casual.

I also tell them though that what you think your friends are all doing is probably far from the true reality.

My first boyfriend (i was 16, he was 17) spent our whole first year together necking and dry humping. His friends, and mine, thought we were shagging because they assumed answer we didn't correct.

She needs to know that a confident girl who says no when she wants Ian ultimately more

Sorry about spelling mistakes phones on one

Thank you for those messages, I really appreciate them and its helped me to get a few things straight. Have spoken to her, apologised for over reacting and told her I understand she is a healthy and normal 17 year old and its me who has the problem with sex not her. Have explained why and said I am sorry for handling it wrongly but again reiterated that she's not done anything wrong by having and wanting a sex life just to be safe, respect her body by using condoms as well as the injection and not to bring randoms home again as though I am trying to relax my attitude I still have some house rules! I have 2 younger DD one of whom is an impressionable teen so I am trying hard to strike a middle ground. God its hard - give me a babay any day!

I didn't say they had to be in love

I think pornography has really screwed it up for young. It's good that you knew what you wanted and got it but most young women don't.

Sorry - who says no is ultimately more attractive than one who's a bit more free with it.

I would be upset and disappointed too op - and the grubby boy would bother me too.

baby obviouly!

I think many young women do in this day and age. When I was a teenager I found attitudes like this really outdated and patronising. I will be happy if dds have any sex they want as long as they always make sure their needs are catered to.

Its an outright lie that men prefer women who save themselves or who only have sex in ltrs.

I would be upset and disappointed too op.

Having been on the forum here for a dhole I have gathered I am in the minority as lots if others seem very comfortable and relaxed about their dc having random sex. I have also noticed that once the legal age 16 is passed that any poster who raises their concern is usually hit down quite sternly. Have even seen threads turn quite abusive with the op being told to get a grip and stop being a prude.
So I conclude that my views are not the norm and it's me that has issues with the possibility of my dd sleeping with randoms.
I have not yet reached this stage but hope I can project a reasonable response when I am confronted with it.
I cannot help how I feel about it though and wanted to just let you know op you are not alone in how you feel.

I have very liberal attitudes towards sex, would definitely prefer that my DSes were doing it in my house or their GFs', had lovely teenage relationships myself, and am actually a bit sad my DS1 (18) doesn't seem to have had more than a couple of one night stands so far... BUT I would still be bothered by the random strangers, OP. My general rule is that I expect to have sat down and had a conversation, and preferably a meal, with anyone who sleeps under my roof. This rules goes for sleepovers with friends when younger, as well as sexual partners when older. It's perfectly reasonable not to want strangers in your house, especially at night, and this might explain some of your discomfort.

dulldullard thank you for taking the time to post and for being brave enough to voice an opinion that seems very much to go against the minority! I do really appreciate your coming on and giving your view

I agree with you Dull, and I'm sure so do many others. A happy, fulfilling sex life needs emotional maturity. The legal boundary of 16 is set by the govt as a general guideline and clearly does not mean that all 16 year olds are ready for sexual relationships and, even if they are, it doesn't preclude parents having a duty of guidance for their teen. I personally would emphasise focusing on school, future, career, friendships, self-esteem rather than advocating sex as a pastime. I agree that there is nothing wrong with sex and they should in no way feel they have 'sullied' themselves, but just to stand back and say, you're 16, it's your life seems misguided.

It's interesting that the OP's DD's first comment is 'everyone's doing it', not, I really want to have sex with this person'.

I totally understand you.

I wouldn't tell her not to do it.
She's nearly an adult and if she wants to do it. There'll be no stopping her. Saying don't do it. Will more likely make her do it, then stopping her.

I'd make sure there're always condoms in the bathroom or somewhere in the house. I also would make sure she knows all about STI's.

And that a condom doesn't protect you from all of them. That you can still get the HPVirus. Which can give you warts or cancer in about 10-15 years time. And more STI's that don't really want to leave your body anymore. Some dangerous and some just annoying.

Invest in your relationship with her. Make sure that stays good.
You can make a joke or something about it.

'Played Russian roulette again, have you'? It's not the best joke, but it's all about how you say it.

She might replay with something like:
I use condoms, so no I don't play with my life.

Then you:
What about HPV? A condom doesn't protect you from that, you know. Yearly about 500 women in the UK alone die of that.
It's your body, so do what you like. Just don't come crying to me when in about 15 years time you got ovarian cancer.

I know it's not the most fluffy way to bring it. But it'll make her think about what she does to herself.

You can walk in a sexual health clinic. There're flyers about HPV, PID, Genital Herpes, Crabs or pubic louse and hepatitis B. And other STI's that a condom doesn't protect you from.
If she continues to have regular sex with different men. Then you might want to persuade her to get a hepatitis B vaccine.
You can get it for free by a sexual health clinic.

Good luck with it all!!!!

Thank you that was really helpful. Its made me realise I dont actually know a great deal myself about these things as I learnt more from just reading that last post than I should at my age

My problem is, married at an early age and things were a bit different then. Now fast forward 22 years and Ive been at home raising 4 kids, head up my arse clearly not moved with the times and Ive looked up, realised Ive got teenagers now NOT 2 year olds and the world has moved on! (a lot) I need to catch up, grow up and quickly! Seriously and genuinely can you suggest how I can better educate myself so I can be of use to my Daughter on this stuff? Sorry I realise I must sound totally pathetic!

No you totally don't sound pathetic. Most people don't know about these things.
Because what the media makes us believe is that with a condom you've got safe sex.

Only if you look further into it. Or when you get confronted with one of those STI's a condom doesn't protect you from. Only then you learn that it's not that safe to have 'safe sex'.

I learned about it when I looked things up.
We educate our children ourselves. I was preparing for to teach them about sexual health. Did my research and was a bit shocked to find out that there was more to learn about it. Then what I learned at school or what the media tells us about safe sex.

How I do it:

• I don't believe everything straight away
• I check to see if it's really true

We are really lucky that there is the internet. You don't need to go to the library and going threw all those books. All the information you need is just a click away from you.

remember she also doesn't like to think of you, her parents, having sex either...

don't torment yourself with the imagery but she doesn't seem to be behaving that responsibly. So make sure she knows that it is condom every time - the chlamydia rate among the young is HUGE and if she wants a chance of kids later she really doesn't want that. Plus all the other STDs too.

she doesn't bring druggies into your house. End of. And I'm afraid that getting a reputation as the town bike still happens and is still impossible to lose. Unfair but that's how it is. So that's something else she wants to prevent.

oh and no, not everyone is doing it. They lie.

I like the idea that anyone who is going to shag your daughter under your roof shares a cuppa with you first. :-)

My dd is 11 so I haven't had to face up to her having sex yet, but I think I would feel similar to you op. Sex within a loving, medium or long term relationship would be much more acceptable to me than casual shagging. There are emotional and very real physical risks involved in having casual sex. This is not what I would want for my daughter. If that makes me old fashioned and uptight, so be it.

You don't sound pathetic at all shanelle - it happens so suddenly - one minute they are cuddling you on the sofa and laughing at silly family jokes, next minute they are bonking with a boy! It does take some getting used to.

I felt the same as you and whilst I continually kept the conversation open with my daughters, I also did not want to know the detail thank you. I'm their Mum not their 'friend'. It's their business. One of my DDs lost her virginity to a right idiot player type lad, I knew it was a disaster but there is nothing you can say or do because I think at this point they become more secretive. However we are now quite a few years on and I think she is switched on enough to know a player and has had a couple of long term relationships, one shortish one and just one dalliance that I know of

I would just say keep the door open for conversation, try not to preach, be there for them when it all goes wrong (and it will - I've seen her finished with and oh my god what drama and crying..)

I completely understand how you feel and I am just 23 years old, so hardly an old codger. Luckily my daughter is only 9 months old so nice and far away from having to deal with these issues, thank goodness.

I think all you can do is show that you are there for her and to explain that when you got upset it wasn't because she was having sex, it was because she was having sex with someone she doesn't know all that well and you are just concerned for her emotional wellbeing.

I also agree the not under my roof thing can be very complicated and uncomfortable but at the same time you don't want your son or daughter to be doing it in an alley somewhere or in a party, so I think ultimately it's best they do do it at the house but to make it clear it shouldn't be obvious they are having sex and it certainly shouldn't be audible.

Did you knock on her door, too?

I don't think it's appropriate to just barge into someone's room. If you knocked and she said come in, I think that's a bit strange on her part. If she said wait a minute, I would give her that minute to compose herself.

I don't think you are strange for feeling how you do at all. I had rumours spread about me for being a slut and this was before I had even had sex (kissed/flirted quite a bit from 14-17, but that was pretty much it except some touching around 17 years old). It was really hurtful but I know how easily people can label you so I understand you worry about that for your daughter.

I think I'd be very upset at her bringing random strangers into my house. I wasn't a very good judge of character in those days and I'm probably glad I didn't have the opportunity of sex with some of the boys who were interested in me, looking back.

How would she feel if you picked someone up at the supermarket and got caught at it in the living room because you thought she was at school?

Aww sorry OP I hope I didn't offend you I was totally joking in my opening line. Of course we don't really want to think of our children having sex but for me it is a fundamental part of their development. I have seen people who have not lost their virginity well into their 30's sorry I do not mean to offend ayone here who found themselves in that position and that concerns me more. I agree that there is an emotinal component to sex and the emotional development is necessary but I also believe that society has very skewed views of sex, articularily for girls, some of which you elequontly put forward in your OP, re clean and innocent girls. Sex is one way where adults, even young adults communicate in a relationship. It is a way we can express ourselves as a person, it is a filter for shit heads, eg if the behave badly after you had sex with them, they were not worth knowing. I am all for a safe liberation of sex for young women. Frankly the best sex I had in my life was in my 20's (this does include dh) because I didn't have the tiredness of kids and I got to experiment and I had a pretty decent body that I felt confident about It is a good time to find out who you are sexually and have limited expectations of finding the one .

I agree anothernumberone. I was married at 20 but was in double figures for sex. I dont see the problem tbh and would do it all again. I want our dds to practice safe sex but dont want them to have any guilt surrounding it at all, and also to give them all the info on safe sex, orgasms, masturbation etc, and its a given that they will grow up to be confident and say what they want, not just in relationships but all areas of their lives as they role model their parents confidence.