Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sexually active 14 year old

30 replies

AnonButRegular · 29/12/2013 17:06

Hi I am a regular but have name changed - happy to pm usual user name and HQ will be able to verify this.

My almost 15 year old has become sexually active and I'd appreciate some advice please - not sure if I've done the right thing. Please don't criticise.

I found out today that she has a boyfriend and that they have done some heavy petting and he has used his fingers on her. She assures me they haven't had sex and I believe her. This happened last night at my home.

She came to me earlier quite upset that she is now sore. Has some blood stained discharge and it's very painful to pee. She was scared that some damage may have been done and called nhs direct for advice herself, without my knowledge, who said that a little blood is normal once the hymen has broken but to go to the UCC to have her urine dipped.

She was going to go to the hospital by herself but when she asked if she could go out I knew something wasn't right and she broke down and told me everything.

I took her to the UCC myself and she has a little blood in her urine as well as some white cells. She didn't tell the Dr that we saw what happened last night.

So, we're home and she's fine and the bare bones of what we've discussed is has she been active with anyone else -no. Has she had full sex - no. I explained that it's her body, she mustn't do anything she isn't comfortable with, I'm not angry, she can come to me with anything and I will be taking her to the well woman clinic next week to discuss everything with a nurse.

Have I missed anything? Said anything wrong? Thanks for reading, any advice, thoughts or experience welcome.

OP posts:

Bakerof3pudsxx · 29/12/2013 17:07

I think you handled this really well op

magimedi · 29/12/2013 17:52

You are a great mother. Well done.

Sparklingbrook · 29/12/2013 17:57

I think you handled it brilliantly. She is talking to you which is half the battle, and she told you.

Really good idea to take her to the well woman clinic too.

How does she feel about the boyfriend? have you met him?

RhondaJean · 29/12/2013 17:59

I think you handled this beautifully and I hope if/when it's my 14 yo and I can do as well.

ChineseFireball · 29/12/2013 18:03

I agree. Brilliantly handled. Your DD is talking to you and you clearly have a good relationship. I hope I'm as clear headed and approachable when it's my turn!

chocoluvva · 29/12/2013 20:01

I completely agree with the other posters.

The only thing you haven't mentioned (but might have discussed) is whether she was happy with this level of intimacy. Also that feeling ready for physical intimacy isn't a sign of being more mature/advanced/better etc than her friends who aren't sexually active and to impress upon her that people feel ready for sexual intimacy at different ages in the same way that some girls start their periods earlier than others/babies get their first teeth etc

I'd also tell her that being physically intimate needs a lot of trust. And that you're happy for her if she's happy with her boyfriend.

I'd invite him round for dinner and cook a huge meal to keep him at the table for as long as possible so I could have a lovely chat get the measure of him

You sound like a great mum. IMO lots of mums are frankly hysterical about the thought of their teenage DC being sexually active

Original poster

AnonButRegular · 29/12/2013 20:04

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me to know that others feel I have handled this ok. I can't talk to her Dad or my Mum. Well I could but I don't want to and she has asked me not to.

Yes, I have met her boyfriend - he seems like a nice boy and is in her year at school. She's very keen on him and he seems to feel the same.

I've always encouraged her to bring friends home, I like to know who she's with and that she - and they - are safe. But do you think I'm partly to blame as I allowed them to go up to her room? How should I deal with this now?

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 29/12/2013 20:06

It's not hysterical to not want your underage daughter to have 16. The law is there for a reason, a 14 year old is not emotionally mature enough to be sexually active.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 20:09

I think you handled it perfectly. I wish I had a mum like you.

chocoluvva · 29/12/2013 20:21

I agree. Sorry for the flippant comment. I do feel that parents who are deeply upset or horrified at the thought of any sexual activity between under 16s on the grounds of it being 'immoral' are not doing their DC any favours though.

It's really difficult to know how much freedom to allow them. If you don't allow them to be in a private space you're telling your DC that you don't trust her; a message that won't make her valued or deserving of being allowed to use her own judgement. And will give the message that you don't approve of sexual activity and will therefore not be available to give guidance if need be.

Not quite 15 does seem very young to me too but there's no point in being angry or openly disappointed.

phoolani · 29/12/2013 20:22

I agree with everyone. You did handle it well (I will no doubt be hysterical, but hopefully quietly..). At the same time, tho, you need to remember that you are her mother and that the age of consent is there for a reason and that it is ok to say that you'd prefer her not to be sexually active until she's older and tell her why, while at the same time keeping the connection you clearly have with her. She sounds a bit shook up by the whole thing and she may actually welcome you enabling her to put the brakes on the whole sex thing for a bit.

Original poster

AnonButRegular · 29/12/2013 20:26

That's my worry Soontobe - that she's not ready. I think her reaction to how she felt physically today says a lot.

I did worry initially that they had had sex and that she maybe wanted the morning after pill, but after hearing everything she had to say I believe her. I think it's important that she knows I trust her.

I went in with her to both the nurse practitioner and Dr and she denied she was sexually active. Dr did a pregnancy test which was negative before she gave her antibiotics. Since we came back I have told her it is important to be completely honest with medical professionals or they might not treat her appropriately.

As I said I'll be taking her to the nurse next week for contraceptive advice. All I can do is support her and make sure she has access to any services she may need in order for her to keep herself safe and healthy.

If we go to our Go, will it be on her records that she is sexually active? Would we be better off to go to a clinic which specialises in teen contraception? If we did would they inform the Gp?

I'm confident that she's not having full sex - she says she isn't ready for that and neither is her boyfriend.

Also, any advice for suitable contraception that I can research before we go?

OP posts:

titchy · 29/12/2013 22:39

I too think it was handled well. The only thing I'd say though is that by takin her for contraceptive advice you are effectively saying to her that she WILL be having sex sooner rather than later, and she doesn't sound as if she necessarily will be. So next time they're in an intimate situation rather than thinking 'No I don't want to go any further' she might go 'Oh well mum has already acknowledged this is going to happen so it may as well be now.'

I would maybe buy a packet of condoms, leave in the bathroom not her room, for emergency use only, and if they decide at a later stage to become sexually active then take her (and him preferably as well) to a teen contraceptive clinic. And don't go in with them.

80sdrummer · 30/12/2013 00:07

OP I think you handled it brilliantly, you obviously have a very good relationship with your DD.

It must have been very difficult to listen to her and not freak out, but it is so important to be loving and supportive and not not critical, I hope I would be as measured in such a situation

Dancergirl · 30/12/2013 00:16

Sorry to go against the grain but I think this acceptance of under age sex doesn't do teenagers any good. Yes of course teenagers are going to experiment and rebel but they still need loving parenting and sometimes that means setting boundaries.

You say she isn't having full sex but how long will it be before she is? Not yet 15 is very young to be handling a sexual relationship. It's just possible that she WANTS someone to say slow down, you're too young.

Teens don't always want their parents to be 'cool' with decisions about sex, alcohol, drugs etc. Their brains are going through major growth and they can't always see the consequences of their actions.

Mabelface · 30/12/2013 00:21

It's cool. Just keep telling her that she doesn't have to have full sex until she is fully and emotionally ready, without any pressure at all. My daughter is nearly 15 and has a 16 year old boyfriend and we talk regularly about contraception and waiting until she's completely ready and the legalities of it all. She'll come to me when she needs full contraception. Keep the communication open.

nooka · 30/12/2013 01:19

Going to visit a sexual health clinic doesn't necessarily mean that the dd will come out with contraception sorted there and then, but she will understand her options and know where to go when and if she needs to. Plus getting some more safe sex advice. Greater knowledge is always good.

I'd find it really hard not to have a 'talk' with the boyfriend personally, but then I'm inclined to butt in way too much I suspect.

Mabelface · 30/12/2013 01:23

I did speak to the boyfriend, as he's 16. I pointed out how I'm trusting and respecting him to abide by the law.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2013 01:38

I also think you handled it really well.

It's a very fine line between being there for them and 'giving them permission'.

I would have another chat with her, being quite firm about the fact that you feel she is far too young but that catching something/getting pregnant would be even worse & therefore if they do get to that stage she must tell you so that you can make sure she is as safe as she can be - but that there is a reason the age of consent is 16, not 14.

give me a room full of toddlers anyday.

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 01:40

OP, all respect.

Honestly I would probably have gone truly ballistic. Fair play.

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 01:55

Not sure if I've missed something, but if her hymen is broken, she's emotional and there's stuff going on with her boyfriend she is sexually active. Regardless of whether she has had full intercourse or not, she is sexually active and she is underage.

That's not your fault OP, but you need to explain to your daughter that she is still legally a child and therefore ideally should not be doing this kind of thing.

I think this generation has no sense of normal regarding sex, they have been exposed to all kinds of horror on the internet so the most important thing is to try to explain as you have done, about making sure you only do what feels comfortable.

I have just explained to my daughter that her body is designed to procreate and regardless of what her head tells her, her body will tell her to do the complete opposite and as a result she needs to be very strong and clear about what is right for her.

profilewithoutaname · 03/01/2014 01:06

First of all, why post all the details online? She did something with her partner and you think it's sex but not sure. That would be enough.
He fingered her... is not relevant and please know that this is an open forum. Anyone can read this!!!!!!
Even if we don't know you. How would you feel if something you told your friend in private she about your sex life would be posted online? Even if now one would know it's about you. Still, how would you feel about that? I'd be furious!!! And I'd never trust such a person again if I'd find that out!!!

About having sex, I agree it's her choice. Bringing her to a doctor is also a good thing as she didn't feel alright.
But going in the room with her!!!!

Seriously, and you think she would feel comfortable with her mum sitting there and she got to talk with a stranger about her sex life? I'd let her go in alone and have a private chat with the nurse.

Secondly I'd like to add that I hate it that we don't tell kids about the dangers of genital warts. It's the most common STI. Condoms doesn't protect you from them. The skin might look normal, but still have the virus and when having sex. Area around the penis and vagina touching each other. Is enough to get it. Years later you might get warts. Those viruses also can give you cervical cancer. About 700 women die every year in the UK from it. 70% of those cancers came from a wart virus that the lady got from when she had sex.

Even when you use a condom you still play with your life. I wish that information would be spread instead of making everyone scared of HIV and use protection and all that rubbish. More people get cervical cancer every year in the UK then that people die every year in the world of HIV. And men aren't safe either. They can get all kinds of cancers around their private parts from a wart virus.
Yes, there is now a vaccine, but that doesn't protect you from all sexual transmitted wart viruses.

tracypenisbeaker · 03/01/2014 01:19

Profile i dont think your post could be more scaremonger-y if you tried. Besides, i thought chlamydia was the most common STI? Saying things like 'using a condom you are still playing with your life' is ridiculous and dangerous at best.

BuffyxSummers · 03/01/2014 01:31

I think a good thing to talk to her about too is to remind her just because she's done it once (or twice or whatever), it doesn't mean she has to do it again. It sounds like it shocked her a bit and my first thought was I wonder if the boy might have been a bit rougher with her than expected (not meant in an attack type way but fumbly teenage first time way) and it hurt a bit. If it hurt her to wee, he could have even fumbled with the wrong bits. So I'd remind her that it's okay to say no from now on and wait if she doesn't want to do it again any time soon. I know when I was a teen I thought because I'd done stuff like this once it meant I couldn't really say I didn't want to anymore if that makes sense?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2014 01:43

Only someone with an agenda would re-start a thread like this several days later.

Question your own motives Profile, not the OPs.

Flip

1 2