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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm making myself ill with worrying about my ds's lack of motivation (particularly at school). Any advice???

78 replies

fartmeistergeneral · 28/12/2013 15:39

He's 15 but really immature. His friends all did well in their recent mock exams but he did poor to appalling. I did well academically as did my dh (who is in fact a HT) so this is so alien to me. I've not handled it well up to now - going from encouraging to motivating to nudging to nagging, nagging, nagging for him to study. He didn't do much, hence the exam results. He has more exams in January and has done sweet FA.

Is this just immaturity? I've gone through everything from telling him what his future might be if he doesn't do well at school, but nothing sinks in. In fact, he looked a bit upset for about half an hour when he got his last results, but nothing has changed. My dh just says back off and let him take responsibility for his own life - I totally see the logic in that (and I'm constantly worrying about his lack of motivation which makes me feel genuinely ill) but the idea of him failing is awful. He's a clever boy, did well in primary but is really lazy with one proper hobby (thank God for that) and has a real 'can't be arced' attitude.

Anyone with similar problem? Should I dig in or back off?

OP posts:
AlaskaNebraska · 29/12/2013 20:01

lol if ANYONE wants to know about s1s holidays in german i am your gal

educatingarti · 29/12/2013 20:15

I work as a tutor. In my experience, "poor motivation" is often not really that but disguised fear about the exams. Some teenagers can't seem to face their anxiety/fear of failing and so either
a) avoid working for exams because every time they do that, they have to face the reality of what is happening - while they are avoiding work they don't have to think about it and often kid themselves that they will start work properly tomorrow/next week etc whilst in reality they just keep avoiding when tomorrow/next week comes.
b) avoid working so that they don't have to face the challenge that even if they work hard they may not get the grade they want/need/are expected to get. If they don't work they can say "well of course I would have got that grade if I'd done more revision". To them this is preferable to thinking " I didn't get that grade because I'm not clever enough"
c) a combination of a) and b)!

I would tackle this by firstly looking at your own desires and motivations. Let go of any hint of living vicariously through your child's successes. The things Mary says make a lot of sense here.

Make sure he knows you will be happy with whatever grades he gets ( even really bad fails) as long as he works hard. You may have convince him of this by repeating it and letting it sink in over time! Offer to help with structuring revision timetables (making sure he has a suitable amount of time off as well) but don't push -then just leave it. Just keep reiterating the "it doesn't matter what grade you get as long as you put in the work" message.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 20:19

That's a great post arti.

It puts into words exactly how I have been trying to deal with dd - she has definitely been too afraid to try in the past, but we seem to be getting past that. I hope ds2 will eventually grow up get himself a bit more in gear.

lljkk · 29/12/2013 20:29

DS doesn't work hard so I don't relate to any of that.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 20:30

Nyer, lljkk, at least I have one child who works hard Grin

The other two, now ... [sigh]

AnUnearthlyChild · 29/12/2013 20:41

I used to be a sports coach, dealing primarily with focus and motivation. What Article says is very very true. And Maryz, as ever makes perfect sense.

AlaskaNebraska · 29/12/2013 20:47

i can say that s1 is not scared of exams at all.

just lazy

JeanSeberg · 29/12/2013 21:20

I also don't see that link in my son's case. Just would rather do anything else than study/revise and the link between achievement, education, work and earning potential is too remote a concept for him.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 29/12/2013 21:31

Arti's post makes a lot of sense to me. DS1 loses motivation when he fears he is falling behind. He tends to catastrophise, so if he doesn't understand one lesson/topic then all is lost as far as he is concerned, and then there's no point even trying.

He says he wants to try to do some catching up with his German grammar this week. This is his weakest area, so the fact that he's willing to do this is a good sign I hope.

MaryzBoychildCheeszuzCrizpz · 29/12/2013 21:33

Yup, no fear for ds2 either - just laziness and more important things to do.

dd was (and is) scared of failure - but she is more than willing to accept help. I think that's the difference.

If a child refuses help, then no amount of cajoling/bribing/punishment will make much difference, imo.

AlaskaNebraska · 29/12/2013 21:41

skateboaard..

Original poster
fartmeistergeneral · 29/12/2013 23:41

Arti, I have definitely thought that before - that he is so appallingly far behind that he is scared to actually sit down and revise because it will hit home.

I think I will leave him to it this week and when school starts again next week we will both sit down and do a study timetable then I will do my best to back off. I've said to him in the past that working hard is the most important thing but just don't think anything I say sinks in.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 30/12/2013 00:06

This is interesting, so many different attitudes and approaches. I'm having trouble with mine, more that I have had no input from school for about 4 years and we are now wondering how everything can be 'fine' as she says.

I would welcome any advice on how to do this - we have (she has) 8 academic subjects to revise for plus art and music and about 5 months in which to do it. Where to even start???

JeanSeberg · 30/12/2013 00:18

Get the exact names of all the subjects eg Edexcel RE short course or whatever.

Buy the relevant study guides.

Check what books they are doing for English lit and buy the study guides.

Get an A4 exercise book for each subject which will be the revision guide where you make notes.

Print off past papers.

Appointment with the school to find out predicted grades so you know areas of weakness to focus on.

In addition, are the college application deadlines coming up?

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 00:36

Thank you Jean Seberg. We have done A level application and she knows what she wants to do, I thought we could focus on those subjects first as at least I know she actually likes them.

She never got to grips with maths, will need specialist help with that I think.

JeanSeberg · 30/12/2013 00:44

My son has a maths tutor but the thing I have found most useful is doing the past papers as they all have the same types of questions so you can find out what she does and doesn't know.

Also some good websites with videos explaining various maths concepts.

olivevoir58 · 30/12/2013 09:03

My dd is the slightly motivated but completely disorganised type. She also comes with a myriad of baggage due to being adopted from the care system at the age of 8. For kids like her, statistics show a good handful of decent gcses are as rare as hens teeth but also a significant indicator of positive life outcomes (ie breaking away from birth family dysfunction) so my mission in life was for her not to fail, so I went part time last year when she was in Y11 to support her through. People say that you can't do it for them, no you can't but you can do everything but sit the exams. As other have said, I got up to speed on all her syllabuses and bought the relevant revision guides. However by far the most beneficial thing was downloading past papers and doing those together. She wasn't expected to pass maths but we started in January with the easy questions only (she did foundation tier). Gradually we began to tackle the harder questions until by May, I knew she was confident with the D grade questions but wasn't really making great inroads into the c grade questions. However on results day, we were both amazed that she actually got her C in maths. The final push and focus of the exam obviously gave her clarity of thought! She also passed 7 in total, all gcses in Ebac subjects (except a language) plus media and RE. Ok they were all Cs with one B but it just goes to show what can be done by parents if kids are willing. Just to add Dd had an EBD statement and attendance levels at 75%so precious little got done at school.

However college is now rather a depressing saga....but at least these gcses will open doors.

olivevoir58 · 30/12/2013 09:21

Ps. Just to add, we were both so delighted with the maths result that I paid to have her papers returned. It was quite a revelation seeing which questions she got right on the day, questions I didn't think she could do. Those maths papers have been added to her memory box of significant things.

AlaskaNebraska · 30/12/2013 09:24

i think the general theme is that YOU have to get really involved and also let school know you are. If i knew a parent was on the case and supportive of any initiative I would be emailing them weekly wrt their kid

Orangeanddemons · 30/12/2013 09:30

I'm a teacher..

I've taught zillions of students who have cocked up their mocks. They often don't take them seriously, and in a way, that is what they are there for.

However they often (nearly always) rally for the real Mcoy

AlaskaNebraska · 30/12/2013 10:01

Me too. Not all of them

Mumlar · 30/12/2013 10:02

Just spent ages writing post only for Internet connection to drop out so this will be severely abridged.

FWIW, I think that your son's attitude is normal for a teen, my son is due to sit his mocks from the start of next week and is spending hours revising. Sounds good, but the kind of child that finds failure an impossible scenario has a whole set of different issues. I worry about my son's fear of failure. I think that your ds has a far healthier attitude and will bounce back if things do go wrong. I'm not trying to belittle your problem, God knows, I spend most of my time worrying about one or more of my kids, I just think your son is probably more mentally robust than my perfectionist, succeed at any cost one.

I had a significant case of 'can't be arsed' during my teens but when it came to the crunch I actually found some motivation within myself to get the revision done. This was at the eleventh hour but the fear of failure finally got to me. I've since done A Levels, a degree, a post grad qualification and a BTEC Prof Diploma, enjoying these periods of study more and more as I got older. He may just be a late starter like me.

I should add that my middle dc hates work, hates reading and hates revising, we will have a nightmare when her GCSEs are on the horizon. But this illustrates that it doesn't matter how you raise your kids, they have different personalities and react to things like exams differently. Please don't beat yourself up about it, we can't do it for them. If he is happy to revise with you, by all means do it, but I know that with my dd, trying to help her results in tears and shouting, (usually me), and is often counter productive. So difficult to stand back and let them potentilly fail, especially when at fifteen they know everything there is to know about life.
However, GCSEs can always be retaken and it isn't the end of the world if they don't pass them all.

lljkk · 30/12/2013 11:39

My dd is the slightly motivated but completely disorganised type.

I would be delighted with one like that. One that merely needed teaching, structure & a bit of chivvying. But was receptive to it all. That would be bliss. (Sigh)

DS sometimes refuses to go to school. We phone school and ask his tutor or the student support centre to ring us back as we are struggling. They don't bother to ring back. So much for school support.

this thread has been good though; I'm going to look up requirements for some of the A-levels DS might like and show him what GCSEs he needs to get there. Worth a shot, might motivate.

olivevoir58 · 30/12/2013 15:23

llijkk - when I say slightly motivated, don't get me wrong, she was slightly motivated by the idea of achieving some gcses, completely not motivated to do any work to achieve them! It was a daily uphill struggle and in reality in meant me doing about an hour of work (downloading question papers and mark schemes and then swotting up on the answers myself) for every half an hour revising we did together. IT WAS A BATTLE. There were fights and tears pretty much every day and many days when it was completely impossible to do any work. BUT I set it as my goal to get her through them because her life chances were at stake more powerfully than for most kids - a race against time in a sense. I didnt make myself ill - the more she fought, the more determined I was that she would succeed. Her school were brill in many ways but it is fair to say they had written her off academically from day 1, not because of her background but because of some very poor CAT results (in the high 70s and low 80s) in Y7. I knew she was more able than that having achieved L4 across the board and L5 in reading in Y6. She pulled off L6 in science and English in Y9 but by then her behaviour and attendance were dire. I knew the only way she would succeed is if I cut down my hours (I'm a teacher) and basically home educated her (with a bit of school thrown in for good measure).

She is now at college but it is rapidly going down the pan due to poor attendance and I'm back to full time teaching and feel that it is down to her now. She is off the starting block and it is her race to run now. I think in the end she will be alright as in other areas of her life she has grown and matured amazingly over the last couple of years and I'm hoping that self motivation to work or study is just around the corner.

But please don't think that I think that anyone could do it with their child. My dd has many anxiety issues which mean that she's not the going out type. If she she had been out all of the time, I would not have been able to work with her but as it was, she was pretty much a captive audience!

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 30/12/2013 16:30

Olive, that is quite an honest account. Hope it all works out well!

My mum sat down with my brothers and me every day after school to ask what our homework was and to check that we did it.

At the time I accepted that as completely normal ( if annoying), we did not get to go out with our friends unless we did our homework. It was not based on results but on trying and working for it. We were allowed skeepovers, cinema etc. as long as we tried our best.

It worked well, but must have been quite a job for my mum! ( I realise with hindsight).

Brothers and I all did well and went on to do law or science.

We would have floundered on our own due to crap attitude. I now do the same with my boys, as good grades opens lots of doors. It is, ironically, to the detriment of my own career.

Their future career bs my own current ( nonexistent) one.

Guess you can't have everything in life...