I'm making myself ill with worrying about my ds's lack of motivation (particularly at school). Any advice???

[fartmeistergeneral]

He's 15 but really immature. His friends all did well in their recent mock exams but he did poor to appalling. I did well academically as did my dh (who is in fact a HT) so this is so alien to me. I've not handled it well up to now - going from encouraging to motivating to nudging to nagging, nagging, nagging for him to study. He didn't do much, hence the exam results. He has more exams in January and has done sweet FA.

Is this just immaturity? I've gone through everything from telling him what his future might be if he doesn't do well at school, but nothing sinks in. In fact, he looked a bit upset for about half an hour when he got his last results, but nothing has changed. My dh just says back off and let him take responsibility for his own life - I totally see the logic in that (and I'm constantly worrying about his lack of motivation which makes me feel genuinely ill) but the idea of him failing is awful. He's a clever boy, did well in primary but is really lazy with one proper hobby (thank God for that) and has a real 'can't be arced' attitude.

Anyone with similar problem? Should I dig in or back off?

I feel obliged to say I did type 'arsed' in that last bit but autocorrect changed it!!!

quite like 'can't be arced', acceptable para-swearing

Interesting that your dh is more relaxed about it all - I would have expected a HT to have high demands of their dc academically.

I don't think there is a lot you can do, they need to do it themselves and come to that realisation themselves. My ds is similar, he can't motivate himself but he minds when he gets bad results I have also nagged and cajoled but as you have found it doesn't get through when their thinking is still immature.

Is his 'hobby' something that he might be able to do as a job? Would he need specific exam results in order to do that? If so it might be more motivating if you can highlight a pathway towards that.

You definitely need to detach from it a bit if it's making you ill - there's a long haul still to go!

He had an idea of a college course but even the thought of not getting in to that doesn't seem to have any effect. In fact, I'm not sure he is able to connect this lack of effort with any kind of consequence. In his mind, he is still going to college. It's far enough away that he can't imagine how anything he does now would affect it.

I guess the answer is to let him get on with it, but, wow, it's not easy. I just remember how pleased I was with my exam results and how good it made me feel.

If anyone knows the answer to this, I'll be taking notes in order to help DS1 (Y9) motivate himself in Geography, RS, German & Latin.

-maybe his personality is like that, he can't be forced, if forced it has opposite effect, you and your dh might be good academically but there can be others in family like uncle who has the same attitude,
-it is a pity you and your dh don't have the same response to his situation, I think it helps if you speak the same language
-maybe he will get motivated later, if he gets on top of something he won't want to go down
-also, I saw some good books mentioned on that subject on here, or you can find on amazon.
wish you good luck.

Can you remember the books? Motivating teenagers or something?

I am so sorry I can't remember the names of the books fartmeistergeneral.
but you can do a search. or a search in amazon.
also at my dc's school there was an evening meeting arranged on that subject with a hired professional.

Thanks will definitely google. Just so torn between leaving him to his fate and still taking responsibility for his actions.

any other offers of advice?

Listen to your dh

Hard though it is

He needs to take responsibility - you can't do it for him and the more you do the more you take that responsibity away

I had exactly the same. my biggest tip is to keep relations OPEN and good.
If you lose this you are screwed. He needs a glimmer of success to get a taste of what it is like to win.
We decided to be FAR more hands on with deadlines and coursework - think we had let it slide a bit, thinking, mistakenly that he was old enough to do it himself.
He is very goo nautred and let us work with him,learn language exam stuff together. prepare for his English speaking together.
We refused to let him go to a party just before the exams and although he was a bit hacked off, he now says hte imprvement he made in the results was ALL worth while

do dm me if you like

I have similar with my son, Y11, and I make sure we revise together as otherwise it won't happen. There's been a slight improvement in grades and he's better motivated with guidance and short spells together. Eg he has to learn a section and then I test him.

Apologies if you've already tried this.

I can't help you to motivate your child [bitter]

But I can tell you that making yourself ill is quite likely to make him less motivated. It seems to me that teenagers are contrary beings, and seeing a parent over-react about something will usually make them under react.

Added to which, if you aren't coping, your house isn't likely to be the most conducive place to sitting down and calmly discussing things, and also not a very nice place to study in.

Try to remind yourself that academic achievement isn't actually very important in the greater scheme of things. It may seem important - but it is far, far behind happiness, friendships, enjoyment of activities that will carry on through life (sport, music, hobbies). It is so way below mental health, drug and alcohol, crime and similar issues that when looked at dispassionately it isn't really of any importance at all. After all what is the worst that can happen? He fails exams. So what? He can go back to education at any time in the next fifty years or so if he wants to.

But if you become ill (mentally or physically) or your relationship with him breaks down, those things aren't so easily fixable.

agree with jean ) nice name!)
Get ON the case - I dm ed you

and agree with mary - although would put more emphasis on academic results
also s1 went to the th form open day and loved it = loved the courses and the way the other students spoke to him
DO ask school for help.

At the same time though I've stopped getting stressed about it. He's applied to college and will be accepted even if he got all Es. His predicted grades are Cs and Ds so hopefully he will get on a higher level btec but at least he will get on a course whatever happens.

do enggage school - most have some kind of intervention head of year type of person who targets the C/D borderline types
email all staff
get all the syllabuses

I also went through all the syllabuses, got all the revision guides, so at least I know what he's expected to know. It might help you feel more in control.

Come January I will be stepping it up a gear as June will be here before we know it.

I've bought all the books 'how to pass' etc. I could bloody pass these exams just by reading these books!

Ha ha, I know what you mean, I feel like I'm re-sitting them myself.

Completely new for me as his older 2 brothers never needed any input for Gcse or a levels.

And having read the rest, I would add:

If your son responds well to adult help, then of course get involved. With dd I have gone through the syllabus with her, I have helped make study plans, she and I together have a calendar with due dates for assignments, I know her exam timetable etc.

But that's because she is willing.

If you have a child who is willing to accept help and advice along those lines, then you have a -sort-of-motivated-but-not-very-organised child, and you can help them an awful lot, academically.

If you have a truly non-motivated-don't-give-a-shit child, then interference can make things substantially worse.

Oh, and I could also get straight A's in a variety of state exams . I'm almost tempted to go back and do my Leaving Cert (Ireland) again, I'd enjoy it!

And finally, if you can get them to work out what they want to do after exams that really helps.

If they really want to go to university for example, then they will work for the results to get them there.

Mary's that is a truly inspiring post and makes so much sense. I'm very worried about my DDs lack of effort at school but reading that has put it into perspective for me.

Reading with interest. My DS (14) lacks motivation. We spoke to the school and they will be checking on his homework from now on and report to us if it has improved. DS lacks any ambition and has no hobbies (apart from the PS). It's v depressing.