AIBU to expect my DS16 to be in for most meals

[Claybury]

He gets up late, eats tonnes of cereals, refuses lunch then at 5 ish wants to go out for the night. He then either wants me to prepare a small meal for him, an hour or so before the family meal. Or he won't eat at home at all, maybe getting chips or something out.
I know this seems like normal teen behaviour but is it unreasonable for us to be annoyed that he won't eat with the family at all because it doesn't suit his routine.
He would cook himself a meal he says but that still involves us buying food he can cook, his cooking skills are poor, and he never clears up.
Of course if he had a particular night out planned and would tell us in the morning I would not mind at all. But it's every night if no school the next day.
I'm most concerned because his diet is consequently unhealthy.

Teach him to cook, he should be able to make himself a basic meal by 16.

Put a portion in the dinner in the fridge & he can heat it up the next day whenever he wants

So tomorrow let him cook for himself at 5pm
Then at 6pm you make spag Bol for rest of family
Put portion in Pyrex dish & he heats it up at 5pm on Sunday
And so on
Or shove a load of stuff in freezer he can heat up - spag Bol, fish pie etc

"Dinner is at six. If you arent in, your portion will be in the microwave. If you want anything else, help.yourself to whats in".

Surely he could make himself some toast to tide him over till he comes in.

You need to be firm with him, he's presumably got no excuse for not cooking other than idleness. Cooking ends with washing up.
He needs to learn how to cook basic stuff, mine could do basic bolognaise, stir fry, pizza, grilled chicken and rice, fish and boiled potatoes. Couscous.
Otherwise you are turning out yet another man who will need a personal servant if he's ever to leave home.
My DS has AS, so I wrote down basic recipes, was on hand (On sofa with a [mug]) if he needed help. Bought a set of measuring cups and spoons to make things simpler.
Of course he'd have sat on his arse and done nothing if he'd had the option, but he didn't.
Neither should yours.

Why at 16 can he not cook? He should be more than capable of doing this, and clearing up after himself. He can potentially be leaving home in 2 years time, and will be one of those man child's you read about on here.

You give him some rules.

The home is not a hotel and not to be treated as one.
You are cooking one main family dinner a day. If he wants something different he can cook it himself, and if he can afford chips or whatever out daily then he can also afford to buy food that he wants to cook.
If he isn't in at dinner time, he can reheat it when he comes in at 11 or whatever time curfew is.
He cleans up after himself.
Break the rules results in loss of money.

Oh my ds was like this. He didn't come to any harm. His diet and hours are still the same at uni. Breakfast at 1.00pm, dinner at 5, tea whenever...

Thanks for the replies and I do agree with the posts., which are all quite similar.
We are trying to teach him to cook but he's unwilling- I think it's hard because he is not interested in eating let alone the effort of cooking. It's me that doesn't want him living on cereal. He doesn't care about food.

Interesting that not one reply thinks sitting down together as a family is particularly important, I think it's a shame as it's a time to connect with each other even if only for 10 minutes.

You can't force a 16 year old to take part in family meals unless you are prepared to enforce it with sanctions.
If you want him to be there, then tell him and tell him the consequences if he isn't. Such as restricting something you do for him; money, lifts, phone contract. Not giving him access to food other than family meals.
We eat together twice a week unless there is a specific reason not to. That's as much as we can manage with 4 adults and different schedules, but it's by no means our only time for conversation and sharing.

Clay, I've seen your other post about your DS not telling you where he is, and I just thought I'd mention that I think this is the same issue - i.e. it's about control and independence. I think they're trying to prove to themselves that they don't need their families, and that "you can't tell me what to do". In families where sitting down to eat together doesn't happen anyway, this is a non-issue; but where it's an important part of family life, it becomes a very obvious way for them to prove their independence, or try to.

I had exactly this issue with my DS at 15/16 - it drove me mad and upset me. Now he's 18, he has less to prove and is generally good at telling me if he's in or out for meals, and at sticking to arrangements. And I have relaxed my expectations so that I don't insist on him being in for meals, just that he tells me if he won't be. I've learned to enjoy the different atmospheres of meals with and without him - it's especially enjoyable to be able to focus more attention on DS2. :)

The junk food thing is an ongoing problem: it's not that he can't cook, it's that he doesn't want to bother! He will eat all the sweet cereals and ready meals I buy, so now I just buy less! The cupboards always have noodles and pasta and bread in them, but at least he's not overdosing on sugar when he's filling up on carbs... And when he is home for meals, I make sure I fill him with as many nutrients as possible, and I talk about nutrition, in the hope that he'll know how to eat well when he grows up, even if he isn't doing it now...

My DD has become like this over the holidays - staying over at parties, hardly home. She texted last night from a friends to say they were going to a party and would stay over. I replied that if she wasn't home by 12.30 today I'd be very unhappy about her staying over at a party planned for tonight. (there's another do tomorrow evening probably involving her BF coming home with her to stay over and an all-night party on NYE)
,
She has just announced that she's going to a friend's for pizza before tonight's party. I was cross as I'd just bought salmon for dinner and feel her lifestyle has become excessive so she agreed to stay home for dinner. Apparently this is "no big deal and there's no need to have a rager".

I don't know if my story is helpful or not......

Teenagers......

Flow you're prob right and it's so irritating! Am finding him so useless at the moment - dragged him to doc about his acne today and he didn't see the point, he refused to pick up own prescription for lotion even though it's walking distance. So only independent in some ways not others. Gggrrrr
I'm a fitness freak so struggle with a teen who doesn't care about his health.

Chocluvva - not necessarily helpful but very familiar !!! They can be so annoying can't they !

Why do people think it's ok for teenagers to behave rudely and inconsiderately? Are they scared of confrontation?

I would expect a 16 year old who still lived at home to eat most meals at the table with the rest of the family. To take their turn at cooking for everyone. To tell me where they were and where they were going. To only eat a reasonable amount of any food bought for family consumption.

As a bare minimum.

Do you have a 16 year old Curlew?

Teenagers are meant to seperate from their families. That's the point of them

Yes they are meant to separate frm their families. But they do not have to be rude and inconsiderate as they do it. And they still live in the family community , and therefore have to abide by the minimum rules and standards of behaviour of that community.

I agree curlew, at the moment the OP's DS seems to be laying down all the rules.

I think you are confusing "thinking it's ok" and "understanding what's going on in their heads", curlew.

One of the most difficult things about being a parent to teenagers, IMO, is the realisation that they do all kinds of things that you absolutely do not think are OK, but which happen anyway.

I think this is a common issues with many families running round doing all sorts of activities, people missing for meals,teenagers snacking all the time etc.
The plate in the microwave is an obvious solution. Make sure you have some spiny friuit in the fruit bowl and carrots, celery, cucumber and dips in the fridge.

I always insist we sit down as a family together at least once a week for a proper home cooked meal, and a nice pudding too. This is when we talk to each other. People who claim they are not hungry (because they have been snacking all afternoon) are asked tocome and sit at the table and eat a very small helping.

where does he go every night? I wasn't allowed out every night at that age!!!

My teenagers have to let me know if they are going to be in for dinner if we are having something that can be reheated i will leave them a plate if they are going to be late. If it is something that cant be reheated they have to cook for themselves when they get in. However i wont let them come in at 11pm and start cooking as it wakes me up. So if they are late they can have toast or go hungry. Breakfast and lunch we all make our own when we want.

"IMO, is the realisation that they do all kinds of things that you absolutely do not think are OK, but which happen anyway."

Really? Like what?

Like sex and drugs and rock and roll curlew.
My mum spent a hopeful decade waiting for payback for my awful teenage years, but somehow both of mine have been very easy teenagers to parent.
Less adventurous, less gregarious, less keen on serious partying...

Teenagetantrums that's pretty much like me. If he comes home after about 10 I would not allow cooking of any sort - but this has not an issue as he is rarely bothered about food.

Ben5 - he goes out with mates. Not that unusual surely for a 16 year old. ? Usually to friends houses, gaming / listening to music. And whatever else teens do...

Curlew - you either have no teens or one more like my DD than my DS. Teens do plenty of stuff parents don't like. In my case it's drugs. If you have a solution that works do share !!!

Silver - that's so unfair. I was an easy teen yet am being punished with sleepless nights & worrying ...

Yes, like sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock and roll... But also, more prosaically, like not sticking to agreements, not phoning to tell you where they are, not coming home, not doing homework, not getting out of bed in the mornings, or at all, truanting, hanging out with people you can see are bad news, spending 15 hours a day on their playstations, not cleaning up after themselves, using every plate and fork and cup in the house and leaving them dirty, eating the last of everything in the house... Oh and not eating meals with the family when they're expected...

Most of the things teenagers get up to are not heinous, but they are often stressful. The more organised you are as a parent, the more difficult it can be to deal with, it seems to me. And very often teens seem to focus their experimentation or rebellion on things you feel are particularly important - like Clay's family mealtimes. Teens are endlessly creative, and indeed it is right that they should be trying new things and stretching their limits, but often that means they mess other people around, intentionally or unintentionally. And since it's our job as parents to try to help them grow up to be decent human beings, we have to help them learn what's acceptable and what isn't - and very often that does not mean punishment, IME: it means finding out what works, for your particular child.

And very often it seems to me, if you remember your goal is to get your teenager to grow up to be a decent, responsible adult, then what works is often to give them more freedom and responsibility, not less, especially when they're fighting for it. Which often involves c