AIBU to expect my DS16 to be in for most meals

[Claybury]

He gets up late, eats tonnes of cereals, refuses lunch then at 5 ish wants to go out for the night. He then either wants me to prepare a small meal for him, an hour or so before the family meal. Or he won't eat at home at all, maybe getting chips or something out.
I know this seems like normal teen behaviour but is it unreasonable for us to be annoyed that he won't eat with the family at all because it doesn't suit his routine.
He would cook himself a meal he says but that still involves us buying food he can cook, his cooking skills are poor, and he never clears up.
Of course if he had a particular night out planned and would tell us in the morning I would not mind at all. But it's every night if no school the next day.
I'm most concerned because his diet is consequently unhealthy.

Oops.

Which often involves compromise, and even 'losing some battles to win the war'... And telling them what you don't like, but not always expecting them to act on that.

2 small suggestions

Get your DS to have a good quality multivitamin and mineral supplement to help with his poor diet.

Try to appeal to his sense of fairness. If he has friends with parents who are stricter than you then he might be more amenable to abiding by the few rules that you do set if you remind him that you don't ask much from him IYSWIM (although I'm not sure my DD saw things like that when she was 16).

My newly 17YO DD isn't too inconsiderate, but I don't really have any direct control over her now - sometimes she will ask if she can stay overnight somewhere but if I say no she'll text to say she's going to anyway. Recently I've taken to reminding her that I give her more freedom than the parents of her friends and taking the line of telling her to do whatever/not do whatever purely out of respect for me and my wishes. I think this works as an approach.

Does your DS talk to you Claybury?

x-posted with flow - sorry - I was distracted during my post.

Flow i think you are right, mealtimes are not something i am stressed about, i do however expect both teenagers home at a reasonable time if it is college the next day, to get up and go to college and to clean up behind themselves. They can just about manage that at the moment, im well aware that their social lives are far more important to them than i am at the moment, but i was the same as a teenager.

I do have teens. They have a lot more freedom than many of their friends. They are also expected to contribute to the running of the "family community", for want of better words, than many of their friends. This includes not leaving a hideous mess in the common areas of the house-(their own rooms are their own business) not eating the last of anything without asking, not unnecessarily worrying their parents, not lying about where they are, or when they'll be back, not making life more difficult for anyone than it needs to be...not, in short, behaving in a way that would make them an unpopular flat sharer. In exchange, I give lifts, let people sleep over, and accede to most other reasonable and politely posed requests. Unreasonable rudeness to each other or to us would not be tolerated.

curlew When I was a teen I remember thinking my mum was really stupid to worry about me being out till late. I had no sympathy and thought that this was her problem and it should have no bearing on my actions. It sounds like Claybury's DS is like this too.

But I wasn't unreasonably rude (IIRC). Neither are my teens though they're frequently grumpy which I try to overlook.

Claybury - my post wasn't clear - sorry - my DD changed her plans about going to her friend's before the party and was fine about it. Like you I think it's important to have family meals at the table too. Sometimes this results in good conversation, sometimes not but I do think the act of sharing a meal has some bonding action.

However, boys are often less communicative/more uncommunicative than girls. Do you think your DS is unhappy? The more he can talk to you and have you really listen to him the better, but I know that's sometimes incredibly difficult.

Chocolovva- mine probably think I'm stupid too. But they humour me, and factor th need to humour me into their plans. And I humour them too, over things I think are stupid.

Suddenly feeling better after reading flow's list of teen misdemeanours. My DS doesn't do many of those things! And he does keep in touch very well, even if we don't where he is.

Chocco- DS is definitely an uncommunicative teen. But he seems happy outside the family, likes friends and school and takes his studies seriously. His main gripe is curfews, he's convinced we are the strictest parents around and all we do is nag. I think it's because he avoids all idle chat, all conversations that we DO have revolve around issues, curfews, food etc because they are necessary conversations.
It's been a tough year !

seems happy outside the family, likes friends and school and takes his studies seriously That's fantastic.

And spirited with a strong need to make his own decisions/feel he has a say in how he lives his life.

It sounds fluffy, but IMO the best thing you can do is to be generally supportive of him, be available to listen without commenting/judging so that he knows he can talk to you if he needs to, compliment any good points/behaviour at every available opportunity and ask for/listen to his opinions so he feels valued for himself (therefore less at the mercy of peer pressure) and hopefully more likely to make good choices.

It's good to remember your DC's good points (which are many). Aftger all, if my DC behaved exactly the way I'd like them to/advise them to they'd be nearly perfect!! IYSWIM.

Apologies for my patronising style Claybury - I can't seem to post without sounding patronising. I'm glad you're feeling more positive. It's so difficult to avoid letting worrying/difficult behaviour take over your life.

Happy New Year when it comes.

Chocoluv- thanks and I don't think you are being patronising ! He does have good points ( I would hope most teens do !) in fact the only real stress is peer group pressure which in his case is so powerful that he hangs out, at times, with people from very different backgrounds from himself ( friends who have been in trouble with police/drugs/ who have no parental boundaries). He started smoking weed regularly from age 13 and has experimented with lots of other drugs this year.
So whilst I am delighted that he is ambitious to get good GCSE's I do have a lot to worry about. In fact his good mock results almost make a mockery of me saying cannabis may be bad for your memory /motivation. I sometimes wonder whether he studied extra hard to prove that he can handle the drugs and not let them affect his school work. ( he is quite sure he is 'sensible ' in his drug use and he can 'control ' it)
I am optimistic though - hopefully sixth form will be a shake up and he will lose the stoner friends, as well as the work being more stimulating for him. We had him assessed by a psychiatrist in case he was depressed but the conclusion was he was not depressed, more likely a bit anxious ( peer pressure ) and under stimulated intellectually.

And he did come home in one piece from an all night rave yesterday !

I think flows advice about giving MORE freedom is good. People who have not experienced a teen like this think you can lock them up and control their behaviour. When I don't mention curfew he sometimes comes home earlier!
Happy new year !

No not most meals. Losing battle. Maybe have set days, sun lunch. Go out for the odd meal as a fam as a starting point

Claybury I have 2 teenagers and I understand how difficult it all is. I would suggest letting go with regard to what shit he eats.
However, I would fucking insist that he clears up after himself. My teens are perfectly capable of rustling up some freezer garbage food for themselves, but if they do not clear up after themselves, including all those bits of grated cheese that end up all over the kitchen floor, then they lose money.
Your DS can afford to go out every night and affords weed. Is he funding this? If you are funding him in any way you need to see what leverage you have here.
You aren't doing him any favours by letting him think there is a clearing up fairy.

Ah yes - the grated cheese scenario.

In our house it's broken noodle fragments that have made it out of the packet but not into the pan! :D

I get those too flow!!!