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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

If your 14 year old took their overnight stuff to school with them, and said they were spending the night at X's house...

27 replies

LynetteScavo · 22/12/2013 21:15

..would you text the parent of the house they said they were spending the night to check it was OK with them?

Because DS1's very nice, middle class parents don't, apparently - leaving me to text them when I settle down for the evening, usually about 9pm, to say "Just letting you know X is spending the night here, they're all watching X film atm.

There is no way I would let DS go to sleep at a friends house without checking with the parents first.

DH and I aren't sure if we were just really naughty teenagers, or if we are over-protective parents, or if DS1's friends parents are a bit slack. (DS and his friends are very honest and sensible, but still, they are 14yo boys with big ideas.)

OP posts:

BettyBotter · 22/12/2013 21:19

At 14 I trust ds to tell me is he's invited to spend the night at a friends and/or I believe his friends likewise if they are invited here.

I've met all the parents and wouldn't feel the need to double check a sleepover with them.

AcrylicPlexiglass · 22/12/2013 21:23

We always ring to check as we have a 14 year old whose main interests are sex and drugs and rock and roll and ear piercing and tattoos and grafitti. We trust him not an inch (though love him to the moon and back obv) and we want to be sure he and his friends are safe and supervised as things will go wrong if they are not sure as eggs is eggs. But there are gazillions of parents who wrongly trust their teenagers implicitly ime. Never fails to astound me.

PandaG · 22/12/2013 21:27

hmm. Very unlikely to happen on a schoolnight, and it depend on whose house he was going to. So far only had sleepovers for birthdays, and had invite to confirm expected attendance.

If a child turns up here unannounced, I always ask if parents know where they are, and offer phone to let them know. I might offer for them to stay for a meal, but insist they check with parents first before accepting.

Stricnine · 23/12/2013 09:00

I think I'd err on the side of trusting DD (mine anyway)... if I was proved wrong in my trust though all hell would have descended! she's now 17 and stays over at friends that I don't know the parents of and she has been for at least two years... 14 is possibly a little young, but if the DS in question is almost 15 and sensible then I wouldn't always check up all the time..

LucyLasticKnickers · 23/12/2013 09:05

no, i wouldnt, I would trust my dd

Gunznroses · 23/12/2013 09:07

Hmmm..slightly different and unpopular approach, but 14yr old would ASK for permission to spend the night at someone house, at my discretion i would then speakto the other parent.

Theas18 · 23/12/2013 09:19

I don't usually but DD does have a friend who's mum always does (I sort of assumed that was because this the their eldest so the " first foray" into teenagerhood , whereas it's my 3rd). I'm definitely " trust until proved otherwise but keep eyes wide open for any clues" and as DD2 hasn't ever been anything but trustworthy I assume the best!

I have always at least met/spoken to the parents in the past.

Trills · 23/12/2013 09:27

I think at 14 I would ask my parents if it was OK, but they would not feel the need to personally check with the other parents.

adeucalione · 23/12/2013 09:35

My DCs have always asked too, but I don't think I've ever refused permission or checked with the other parents. I suppose this is because I have met their friends and trust my DCs but if they were asking to stay with someone I didn't know, or if they had ever given me cause to be suspicious then, at that age, I wouldn't hesitate to contact the other parents under the guise of introducing myself and double checking arrangements.

Gunznroses · 23/12/2013 09:42

I would speak to the parents just to be sure they are aware of the arrangement, 14 yr olds do make these things up when they are going somewhere entirely different, 14 yr olds are also easily led. I also think its courteous to speak to the other parent to show appreciation that they are welcoming my child into their home and also to develop easy communication with the other parent if either of us have any issues resulting from the visit.

SirChenjin · 23/12/2013 09:42

It wouldn't happen on a school night - sleepovers are for weekends only, unless in an emergency.

mummytime · 23/12/2013 09:42

My DD asks for permission to go to a sleepover. It is usually one of two girls, once in a blue moon it is a third. If it was someone new I'd want their parents phone number. No their parents rarely check up with me or me with them. I do trust my DD, and she may well text me (or poke on face book) whilst there, she will call if there is any problem.
It's only a few years and she will be leaving home, and I won't have much idea what is going on then.

Helpyourself · 23/12/2013 09:45

It really pisses my off when people smugly say 'I trust them'. I trust mine, but random stuff happens with teenagers all the time. They get split up, one in a group gets drunk and the others panic/ scarper/ get collected by parents. Parents kick them out
If mine are staying over I send a 'is this ok/ thank you' text to the parents before and check directly with the DC.

headlesslambrini · 23/12/2013 09:45

Yes I would ring to check that this is OK with the other parents.

I work with teenagers and it's truly amazing the number of parents who 'trust' the DC and then end up surprised that they have bullied another through text or internet, are doing drugs, underage sex, sexting, watching porn, get into a car with a drunk driver etc

Teenage years is the time when they are most likely to explore, be influenced by peers, want what they cannot afford, be befriended by those who we wouldn't let over our doorsteps, and bully others. It is the time in a persons life when they are learning the rules of society and what they can get away with. IMO teenagers are more vulnerable in many ways than a toddler who we don't take our eyes off for fear of them falling over but parents don't know where their teen is or who they are with. They accept their teen talking to them like a piece of shit of the street and wonder where they went wrong - if they didn't learn it from you, then they learnt it from somewhere else i.e. peers, internet etc - you know those things that we 'trust' them not to do.

Coconutty · 23/12/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpyourself · 23/12/2013 09:47

Random stuff includes dcs not allowed on the school bus/ oysters lost etc.

Indigoviolet3 · 23/12/2013 09:48

I lied my head off as to my whereabouts when I was 14, so yes would definitely check!

3littlefrogs · 23/12/2013 09:50

I would always check.

Peer pressure is huge at this age and 14 year olds can and do make bad choices sometimes.

I remember one occasion when a sleep over was announced at the last minute and I discovered the parents were going away for the weekend.
I am sure the kids just thought it would be a bit of an adventure, but I was not happy and scuppered the plans.

SirChenjin · 23/12/2013 09:50

I totally agree Headless and Help - which is why my teens are watched very closely . Seriously though, I am constantly amazed by what some parents let their teenage DCs do and the length of rope they give them. Far from teaching them lifeskills and responsibility it gives them far too much freedom to get into all sorts of unsafe situations. Some of the stories that are posted on FB would make your skin crawl, and their parents are totally oblivious.

DorrisM · 23/12/2013 09:52

At the very least I send a text to the parent.

teenagetantrums · 23/12/2013 09:54

At 14 i would have done, none of the parents round here seem to bother after year 7, but my DD at that age had form for lying and not being where she was supposed to be.

bigTillyMintspie · 23/12/2013 09:55

For DD14, not necessarily - if I know the friend (and often know the parents too) I know that it will have been agreed. Similarly I wouldn't text their parents to say that the friend was here unless we had agreed to previously IYSWIM. DD is currently still pretty sensible and has lovely friends and we feel we can trust her

For DS nearly 13, I generally text/get a text to check if it's OK. He is also fairly sensible for his age with similar friends and we feel we can trust him.

However, we are under no illusions that this may change at the drop of a hat

LucyLasticKnickers · 23/12/2013 10:02

my dd is 14 but doesnt drink alcohol, if she did she would tell me, therefore I trust her.
imo she is a young 14. or at least a sensible 14 year old who talks to me.

LucyLasticKnickers · 23/12/2013 10:03

but she wouldnt just take her overnight stuff to school, we would ahve disucssed it in advance.

NoComet · 23/12/2013 10:25

Because our buses won't take random, the other parents or us has to take the children home, so It's not likely DD2 is going to appear unannounced or go somewhere the other than where she says.

I do like an address and a parent's (preferably land line number) DD2 is 12.

I would want to now exactly what she was up to if she was staying with anyone within walking distance of school. The local town has it's moments and the likelihood of drunken parties is much higher.

DD1's DFs parents I've known since before she was born. Two of them I trust to the end of the earth and the other I trust DD1 to keep out of trouble.

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