Sons gf pregnant

[Oldeststorey]

Name changed for this. My 21 yr old son has told me this afternoon that his gf is 6 weeks pregnant. Apparently they went to the doctors last week, got an appointment to discuss a termination which was going to happen on Thursday this week. However, she says shehas now changed her mind and is refusing to talk to him about it, beyond saying that she'll see him in court in 9 months time. Some silly misunderstanding, although they do have a very on/off relationship anyway. She has always been on the pill throughout their relationship so he (obviously wrongly) thought it was safe. They have been together since they were 17. She is also 21.

He feels as if his life is over although I've told him it's not of course.

She is also 21. I have asked her to meet me - I wouldn't try to influence her one way or the other of course but she's refusing to talk to me as well. I just want to be sure she is ok. She says she's told her parents.

Any words of advice please? I'm devastated but trying hard not to show it.

[Oldeststorey]

Two weeks down the line and things have settled down a lot. She will definitely keep the baby and my son is determined to make a go of it with her. They started talking properly about a week ago and all the raw emotions have calmed down now. In fact they seem happier as a couple than they have done for a long time – I hope it continues that way! Maria33 you sound as if you're doing a great job of parenting - it's so encouraging to hear the stories of young parents doing so well.

I'm actually very proud of my DS – he is standing up to his responsibilities and will be as good a dad as he can I'm sure. Obviously we don't know what the future holds, but the signs are looking good and with parental support on both sides maybe this new little family will be a happy success. I'm guessing that most young men of his age who assume they are safe because their long term girlfriends are on the pill would maybe have the same reaction as he did initially. It's not what he planned or wanted at this stage in his life, but as he says, what's happened has happened and he has to get on with it. In actual fact, already I can see signs that he can see some possible benefits – he's always been very good with children and loves his nephews and nieces to bits

I'm trying to take a step back now and not get over involved with the practicality of their situation. They will need to sort these things out for themselves but can't really be expected to do it all immediately. At least they have 8 months to prepare.

Thanks again for your words of support – it means a lot.

[SparkleSoiree]

Hi Oldeststorey

My son is 21. He and his gf are due to have their baby next April. A BIG shock to DH and I when we found out a few months ago and certainly a huge shock to her parents too.

It's now becoming quite a difficult pregnancy for son's GF and we are all rallying around her. We have taken the time to adjust but between us all we have found our comfortable space in the situation and we are here if they need us but equally treating them as we would treat any other adult and giving them their own space until they ask for us.

We do worry about what the future holds for our children and grandchildren but GF's mum and I are forging a bond so we are both similar minded in our approach to the situation. This means it's easy for us to talk to each other about our worries or concerns without putting pressure on my son and his GF.

We want them to succeed and will do whatever we can to support them and help them through the first few years together - until they tell us to back off really!

[Oldeststorey]

Thanks SparkleSoiree. I think its the initial shock that was the worst bit - once you get your head around it and realise there are far worse things that could happen, its easier to come to terms with the situation.

I see posters across all boards, not just this one, who are of the opinion that once children reach their older teens/early 20's , they are an adult and should be left to their own devices. I cant help but think that they do not have children that age themselves as yet. I have 2 (much) older children as well as DS and I can tell you that the worry doesnt cut off at any point as far as I can see. Once a parent, always a parent and you never stop worrying about your children however old they are. If only it were as easy as it seems to say "Right, youve made your bed, now you must lie in it" or words to that effect - and leave them to it.

I have no intention of living their lives for them and want them to take as much responsibility as they can, but they know they have a safety net should they need it.

I was once told that a mother is only ever as happy as their least happy child and I think that is very true, whether the child be 2 or 42 (or maybe even 62 - I haven't got that far yet!)

I agree with all you have said, and I will back my son to the hilt, and support him, his GF and the baby when born as much as I possible can.

I hope the pregnancy becomes easier and that you have a good reason to celebrate come April. Again, Id love to hear from you again if you would like to keep in touch.

[moominleigh94]

OldestStorey

I'm so glad to hear that things have settled down and seem to be progressing well! :) Hope you all have a very happy and peaceful Christmas :)

[Tea1Sugar]

Just to add! I got pregnant at 21, although it was the summer after I graduated so I had uni under my belt. Dd1 was born when I'd just turned 22 and after 3months I ended up flying solo. She's now 3.5. I met my current partner when she was 17months, completed a PGCE, bought a house together, finished my NQT year and we are expecting dd2 in April. I'll be 26.

Yes it's a whirlwind. But it's not life over. It's just rerouting yourself. I hope whatever is decided your son feels happy :-)

[Magrug]

Like Tea1Sugar, I became pregnant at 21 when in my 3rd year of university, and had by baby aged 22. My ex asked me to have an abortion (although has subsequently denied this) and we split up when it became clear we had different ideas about the pregnancy. I didn't hear from him again for years, which is the big difference between him and your son. With hindsight, the shock of an unplanned pregnancy can cause such a kneejerk reaction just because it's an option, not necessarily because it's what either parent wants.

My ex then turned up a couple of years ago wanting to see my DC. I have so far refused, they're in their GCSE year and it could cause damage (although they have always known the basic facts). Not to mention that I have my younger child (13) to consider, and my husband who has raised my elder as his own since they were tiny. Not to mention my ex's other children (14, 12 and 4), who haven't a clue. Not to mention me, or my ex's new wife! There are lots of people to consider when a parent leaves, especially when they walk back into their child's life many years later (which they invariably do!).

Well, my little rant at my ex is over, and thank you for allowing me to hijack a small portion of this thread. ;) I think my point is that he needs to make sure he is there doing all he can, supporting her and doing everything to be a father to his child. I know she's not making that easy, but she is hurt and no doubt feeling abandoned. He needs to keep trying to show that he means it.

If he doesn't mean it, and is just behaving as he thinks everyone expects him to, then TBH he would be much better staying away. A half-hearted father can cause much more damage than an absent one. It sounds as though your son is a sensible chap and I am sure he will stand by her.

And as for you, you need to make sure your son's ex knows that you will be there to support her no matter what. Your grandchild needs you more than your son does at the moment.

Echoing what Tea1sugar said, their lives are far from over, they just need to find a different way of achieving their objectives. It might take longer, it might be harder, but it will be worth it for the end result.

A grandchild is such a blessing, once things have settled you will forget all of this angst. Many congratulations, and (slightly patronising) well done for caring and trying to do the right thing. :)