Sons gf pregnant

[Oldeststorey]

Name changed for this. My 21 yr old son has told me this afternoon that his gf is 6 weeks pregnant. Apparently they went to the doctors last week, got an appointment to discuss a termination which was going to happen on Thursday this week. However, she says shehas now changed her mind and is refusing to talk to him about it, beyond saying that she'll see him in court in 9 months time. Some silly misunderstanding, although they do have a very on/off relationship anyway. She has always been on the pill throughout their relationship so he (obviously wrongly) thought it was safe. They have been together since they were 17. She is also 21.

He feels as if his life is over although I've told him it's not of course.

She is also 21. I have asked her to meet me - I wouldn't try to influence her one way or the other of course but she's refusing to talk to me as well. I just want to be sure she is ok. She says she's told her parents.

Any words of advice please? I'm devastated but trying hard not to show it.

[Magrug]

Like Tea1Sugar, I became pregnant at 21 when in my 3rd year of university, and had by baby aged 22. My ex asked me to have an abortion (although has subsequently denied this) and we split up when it became clear we had different ideas about the pregnancy. I didn't hear from him again for years, which is the big difference between him and your son. With hindsight, the shock of an unplanned pregnancy can cause such a kneejerk reaction just because it's an option, not necessarily because it's what either parent wants.

My ex then turned up a couple of years ago wanting to see my DC. I have so far refused, they're in their GCSE year and it could cause damage (although they have always known the basic facts). Not to mention that I have my younger child (13) to consider, and my husband who has raised my elder as his own since they were tiny. Not to mention my ex's other children (14, 12 and 4), who haven't a clue. Not to mention me, or my ex's new wife! There are lots of people to consider when a parent leaves, especially when they walk back into their child's life many years later (which they invariably do!).

Well, my little rant at my ex is over, and thank you for allowing me to hijack a small portion of this thread. ;) I think my point is that he needs to make sure he is there doing all he can, supporting her and doing everything to be a father to his child. I know she's not making that easy, but she is hurt and no doubt feeling abandoned. He needs to keep trying to show that he means it.

If he doesn't mean it, and is just behaving as he thinks everyone expects him to, then TBH he would be much better staying away. A half-hearted father can cause much more damage than an absent one. It sounds as though your son is a sensible chap and I am sure he will stand by her.

And as for you, you need to make sure your son's ex knows that you will be there to support her no matter what. Your grandchild needs you more than your son does at the moment.

Echoing what Tea1sugar said, their lives are far from over, they just need to find a different way of achieving their objectives. It might take longer, it might be harder, but it will be worth it for the end result.

A grandchild is such a blessing, once things have settled you will forget all of this angst. Many congratulations, and (slightly patronising) well done for caring and trying to do the right thing. :)

[Tea1Sugar]

Just to add! I got pregnant at 21, although it was the summer after I graduated so I had uni under my belt. Dd1 was born when I'd just turned 22 and after 3months I ended up flying solo. She's now 3.5. I met my current partner when she was 17months, completed a PGCE, bought a house together, finished my NQT year and we are expecting dd2 in April. I'll be 26.

Yes it's a whirlwind. But it's not life over. It's just rerouting yourself. I hope whatever is decided your son feels happy :-)

[moominleigh94]

OldestStorey

I'm so glad to hear that things have settled down and seem to be progressing well! :) Hope you all have a very happy and peaceful Christmas :)

[Oldeststorey]

Thanks SparkleSoiree. I think its the initial shock that was the worst bit - once you get your head around it and realise there are far worse things that could happen, its easier to come to terms with the situation.

I see posters across all boards, not just this one, who are of the opinion that once children reach their older teens/early 20's , they are an adult and should be left to their own devices. I cant help but think that they do not have children that age themselves as yet. I have 2 (much) older children as well as DS and I can tell you that the worry doesnt cut off at any point as far as I can see. Once a parent, always a parent and you never stop worrying about your children however old they are. If only it were as easy as it seems to say "Right, youve made your bed, now you must lie in it" or words to that effect - and leave them to it.

I have no intention of living their lives for them and want them to take as much responsibility as they can, but they know they have a safety net should they need it.

I was once told that a mother is only ever as happy as their least happy child and I think that is very true, whether the child be 2 or 42 (or maybe even 62 - I haven't got that far yet!)

I agree with all you have said, and I will back my son to the hilt, and support him, his GF and the baby when born as much as I possible can.

I hope the pregnancy becomes easier and that you have a good reason to celebrate come April. Again, Id love to hear from you again if you would like to keep in touch.

[SparkleSoiree]

Hi Oldeststorey

My son is 21. He and his gf are due to have their baby next April. A BIG shock to DH and I when we found out a few months ago and certainly a huge shock to her parents too.

It's now becoming quite a difficult pregnancy for son's GF and we are all rallying around her. We have taken the time to adjust but between us all we have found our comfortable space in the situation and we are here if they need us but equally treating them as we would treat any other adult and giving them their own space until they ask for us.

We do worry about what the future holds for our children and grandchildren but GF's mum and I are forging a bond so we are both similar minded in our approach to the situation. This means it's easy for us to talk to each other about our worries or concerns without putting pressure on my son and his GF.

We want them to succeed and will do whatever we can to support them and help them through the first few years together - until they tell us to back off really!

[Oldeststorey]

Two weeks down the line and things have settled down a lot. She will definitely keep the baby and my son is determined to make a go of it with her. They started talking properly about a week ago and all the raw emotions have calmed down now. In fact they seem happier as a couple than they have done for a long time – I hope it continues that way! Maria33 you sound as if you're doing a great job of parenting - it's so encouraging to hear the stories of young parents doing so well.

I'm actually very proud of my DS – he is standing up to his responsibilities and will be as good a dad as he can I'm sure. Obviously we don't know what the future holds, but the signs are looking good and with parental support on both sides maybe this new little family will be a happy success. I'm guessing that most young men of his age who assume they are safe because their long term girlfriends are on the pill would maybe have the same reaction as he did initially. It's not what he planned or wanted at this stage in his life, but as he says, what's happened has happened and he has to get on with it. In actual fact, already I can see signs that he can see some possible benefits – he's always been very good with children and loves his nephews and nieces to bits

I'm trying to take a step back now and not get over involved with the practicality of their situation. They will need to sort these things out for themselves but can't really be expected to do it all immediately. At least they have 8 months to prepare.

Thanks again for your words of support – it means a lot.

[mathanxiety]

Wishing you all the best.

I am wondering if your DS was pushing more for an abortion than he will admit though, especially since he is now so candid with you about his life being over - and I wonder if he said anything along those lines to the GF, which would be a very self centered way to look at things, given that she will bear the actual baby and all that entails. It would explain how she is now feeling so very alienated from him. So would feelings like those described by Moominleigh of course...

[Maria33]

I got pregnant with dd1 at 23. It was life changing and hard in places. 15 years on we are still together with 3 dcs, stable careers and a lovely house.

It was (is) tough in places but family support would have helped hugely. My family (particularly) were very difficult and it caused a lot if damage to my relationship with them.

You sound great. At 21 you are an adult, enormously and boundlessly energetic (what sleep deprivation?), imaginative and resourceful (whole body painting with three naked toddlers is something I'd never have experimented with in my 30s)and there's something very special about still being so in touch with your childhood while raising your children!

It does make you grow up fast and I do mourn the twenties I might have had but what I have now is pretty wonderful and it's easy to lament the road not taken!

Good luck and as John Lennon said, "Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans!"

Being a young grandparent is great! Congratulations

[Oldeststorey]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely reply to me, I really do appreciate it. It's so helpful having your viewpoint, and gives me confidence that I'm doing ok with the way I'm handling things.

I think its very important that everyone in these situations realises they have done nothing wrong. What's done is done and now we look for the positives (of which there are many as you'll agree)

They are not going to tell anyone yet, it's very early days and they want to get Christmas over with first without all the inevitable gossip.

If you don't mind me saying so, I think you're a real credit to your family and they should (and I'm sure are) be very proud of you.

I'd love to hear how you get on over the next months if you feel like letting me know.

Happy Christmas

[moominleigh94]

No worries, and I wish the very same to you and your family :)

We were the same - we knew for a week before telling my parents, and I think the fact that we had sort of come to terms with the shock was even more difficult for my parents to deal with than if I'd gone to them crying and begging for forgiveness.

I'll be honest now and say they probably will face criticism - or, at the very least, awkward questions that people expect them to answer - but the important thing is that they have every right to say "none of your business" - people think it's fine to ask us if it was planned, if we used protection etc - but my policy is that unless I'd have invited them into the bedroom to observe, they have no need or right to know that information unless I choose to tell them. Keeping that in mind has kept me sane

It'll be so beneficial to them if they're aware you feel, as you say, that no-one's to blame - my dad got very "daddy's little girl" and blamed my boyfriend, and wouldn't listen to me when I told him it was half my "fault"! This was one of the hardest things to deal with as it created a divide between my bf and I - the last thing we needed after finding out we're having a child together.

Don't think of it as a stop sign for them - think of it as (literally!) a speed bump. Knowing I felt that way was something that really helped my parents, who'd thought I'd just throw my future away for it.

You sound like you're all coping amazingly, and I'm sure your son and his girlfriend appreciate it.

[Oldeststorey]

Thank you so much for sharing your story mooninleigh94 . I wish you and your new family all the very best in the future. I'm sure everything will be fine and this time next year you'll be looking forward to a very special Christmas (though this ones special too of course with such an exciting year ahead)

You're so right about the shock of hearing such news. My son and his girlfriend had already known for over a week before I was told so they had got over the initial shock I guess. when he told me it threw me into a blind panic for a few days. Somehow I managed not to show it to him, and was able to be supportive from the moment he told me. Believe me, it really wasn't easy. Of course, once things settle down a little bit you understand it's certainly not the worst thing that could happen by any means.

I've been very careful not to give an opinion on what DS and GF decide to do, but keep telling them that I will support them whatever decision they come to. I think it's increasingly likely that they will keep the baby and understand that ultimately she is the one who has to live with that decision. Her parents made it clear they wanted her to keep the baby – they have already decided what names they want to be called although she is not even six weeks pregnant yet!

I think I'll find it's very hard if people criticise them for becoming parents at such a young age. She was on the pill and it failed - I can't believe that everyone who is on the pill also uses condoms as well just in case. They obviously didn't but I can't really see anyone is to 'blame'. It happens - they're not the first and they won't be the last.

I appreciate that they are 21 and as such are adults able to live their own lives, but when it's your child in such turmoil having to deal with a such life changing situation, of course you want to be there for them and help all you can.

For what it's worth, I was 22 when I had my first baby. However that was 40 years ago, and times have changed a lot since then. It was almost the norm to have babies so young in those days. I don't regret having any of my children of course but there's no denying it's difficult when you are so young yourself, though there are advantages, not least that your energy levels are so much higher!

[moominleigh94]

Posted too soon; forgot to add that I'm 19.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

21... They are grown ups, it is all up to them.

Sympathy and support is all you can do.

[moominleigh94]

I can't give you it from another mum's perspective, but I can give you it from a viewpoint probably quite similar to your son's gf.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm now 20 weeks pregnant. When we told his family, they were fine with it - they said as long as we were happy, they were happy. Boyfriend was happy, I wasn't so sure - thought everything was over as I'm at uni, got a good social life, great friends etc.

Told my parents and they told me I should have an abortion. At that point I wanted to leave - we went to the student house we share with our friends and stayed there. I didn't want to speak to either set of parents - even though my boyfriend's family had been supportive, I wanted to be far away from anything that reminded me I was pregnant while I tried to deal with it, and I pushed my boyfriend away too. I knew how much he wanted to keep it, and although he promised me he'd stick by me no matter what, I couldn't quite believe that it was true. I felt like I was trapped and I didn't want to speak to anyone about it.

People from both sides kept trying to get in touch with me, but save for letting them know essentially that I was still alive, I didn't want to talk to anyone from back home. That may be why the gf was so reluctant to talk to any of you about it, including your son - I didn't want to talk to my boyfriend, because I was sure he'd try and convince me to keep it, and I didn't want to be swayed - I wanted to have time to come to my own opinion.

Eventually, everything has settled down. We've both spoken to my parents, and everything is really back to how it used to be - except that we're closer now, because they consider my boyfriend family too, whereas they never used to. They can't wait to become grandparents and keep telling everyone how excited they are - and I know now that their reaction was one of shock, rather than anger - they'd always assumed that if I got pregnant young, I'd have an abortion. I'd assumed that too, but it isn't that simple when you realise that it's going to be your child - suddenly I realised that I'd probably never overcome the guilt if I had an abortion, and that I'd (wrongly) blame my parents - and I didn't want our relationship to be destroyed forever.

Things are going to be tough for us, and my boyfriend and I have had to grow up so quickly, and the toughest times are still ahead - I'm well aware of that - but I think the best thing we have right now is an amazing support network. There's no way we could do this without the love and support of our families - it's been an absolute godsend to us.

I know this has turned into an essay but I hope this provides some kind of comfort in that it may be an insight into the mindset of your son's gf, and maybe a little bit of proof that you're not alone.

[Oldeststorey]

Do you know, it's amazing how quickly I've come to terms with the situation. From blind panic to acceptance in less than a week. What's done is done, and he will face up to his responsibilities and I'm proud of him for doing so. They are definitely keeping the baby and I'm sure that with our help and the help of her parents, the baby will have all it needs. They will have to grow up fast but they'll be ok.

If any other mother is in the same situation as I am, I'd love to hear from you. It would be nice to have and give some support over the next 8 months or so.

[Oldeststorey]

Again, thanks for your replies. They did talk last night by text - he wanted to meet her to talk properly but she wouldn't do so. He's told her many times that he respects her decision and will support her as best as he can but each time she replied that all he wants to do is get rid of it, which he has never said. I think it was such an emotional day for them both they ended up going round in circles and it didn't end well.

Let's hope today will be a little better for them both (and me)

[IThoughtThat]

I really feel sorry for everyone in this situation. I hope it all works out ok. I can see that it must be devastating for your son but there isn't much he can do now other than let the girlfriend that he will support her.
Perhaps he could write her a letter, spelling out his 'good' intentions.

My boys are adults now but I still tell them to wear condoms unless they are prepared to be Dads.

[AuntySib]

I think it might be worthwhile him writing her a letter, just to say that although it's not the best timing, that of course he'll do everything possible to support her and the baby, and that if she does go ahead and have the baby, he definitely wants to be involved.

She may only have heard him say that he was in favour of termination and have blocked out anything else he said afterwards. It's early days and she's probably hormonal, frightened and not wanting any more pressure.
If there's still no response from her after a few weeks, then you might want to try again yourself, to reassure her that you are all supportive, and that whatever happens between her and your son, you will be a part of the baby's life.

It must be so hard for you to see your son so devastated, but it sounds as if you are setting the right tone. Hugs to you x

[LynetteScavo]

Santawenttoaldi -My mother was straight on the phone to the other possible future grandparents whenever she found out a baby was due. You cna't stick your head in teh sand about these things.

[Oldeststorey]

Of course I feel for the girl, I have told my son in no uncertain terms that he is not to try and influence her decision, just to tell her honestly how he feels. They did talk about it last week of course, but she (not unreasonably) has now changed her mind, and since then will not talk to him, I'm sure she thinks he will try and 'talk her round'. She is getting a huge amount of support from her own family by the way.

I already have a little grandson who I love with all my heart, and of course I'd love the new baby just the same.

I'm in my 60s so have seen enough of life to know that things do generally work out in the end - thanks for your replies, I know it's just a matter of holding on and seeing what happens next. It's very helpful reading of others who have experience of this situation.

[ClaimedByMe]

They are 21 not children, step back and support your son and the woman.

[Santawenttoaldi]

Why ????she's an adult if I was the girl I'd be furious for getting involved with her parents and withdraw completely

[LynetteScavo]

I'd be straight on the phone to her parents, if she won't talk to you.

[cathpip]

My dh had a child when he was 22, he and the mother split up but kept things amicable for the child's sake. Dss has just had his 18th birthday, he is a lovely young man who sees us and his step siblings (4 and 2, and one on way) every 6 weeks for the weekend. It is safe to say that dh did feel that his life was over, he was just about to finish uni and start a job earning good money and he had his whole life ahead of him and social life to look forward too. Dss was a mistake and as much as dh loved him he did resent him in, esp in the early years. Since getting married and having our own children it has made dh realise what he has missed out on, but he was not ready at 22 to become a dad, these things do have a way of working themselves out, even if it involves a very gentle approach.

[AuntieStella]

I agree; even with the previous form for an on/off relationship, the current split could well be a sign of turmoil rather than a settled decision.

They will need to reach a settled situation though - on/off just isn't good if there is a child involved. You have to stay calm, be a rock for your DS, and encourage him to do whatever is necessary to reach those decisions.