Aaaargh. Help me keep my cool.

[parentofthreenager]

So - have just banned dd from computer FOREVER, taken her phone off her, told her I expect her to do several hours chores a day as she appears to have no homework...

She is lazy, moody, dresses like a v messy slapper, outrageously rude to all family and authority figures (but not, of course, to friends), reminds me of my age in every other sentence so makes me feel about 100!, takes no effort over school work, imagines she's going to have a 'career' as a pop star , makes no effort in any other aspect of her life, leaves crap all over the house...

But apart from that...

So - I need, clearly, to focus on the positives and get a grip, but finding it hard.

Help me please.

Just realised I should rename this thread 'Help, help me Rhonda'.

Hehe.

How about a couple of simple rules that are completely non negotiable.

Dinner is at 6 and eaten together
Homework must be done before you are allowed your phone
If you make a mess in public areas you tidy it up after yourself

Something like that?

And for you - do you have some time out and things you do for yourself that you enjoy, if you are stressed, don't lose yourself in it all.

Am going to have to backtrack first thing tomorrow as it is - because I do want her to have her phone for practical purposes.

Prob with dictating rules for homework is she claims not to have any about 9 days out of 10 - seems highly unlikely.

I have the T-shirt, don't I just.

Some standard exchanges: "I hate you, you stupid old fart". "That's nice dear. Router password's changed for a weekend."

"Fuck off, I'm not tidying my room". "That's nice dear. Padlock on fridge and larder, meals at set times again"

"WHY WON'T YOU GET ANGRY!!!" "Because this is much more fun"

"AAARRGGHH!" "That's nice dear. I love you too."

...and she's upstairs right now, doing homework. Cheerful, sober and soberly dressed.

Pity about the blue hair

Oh lay off the blue hair, self expression is good! I refuse to get worked up about anything to do with hair, it will grow out and the photos will make brilliant blackmail material later on.

Clothes/hair not worth arguing about. School skirt, they all do it, DD(12) is terrible. One day she'll get in trouble.

Attitude, go to your room NOW! DD2 has been going to her room since she was 6, she very rarely bothers trying it on. I'm sure she will when she's older, but a quick reminder that she is utterly grounded if she offends the taxi service will probably suffice. There are huge advantages to living 3-5 miles from anywhere with no buses. Nearest towns are not a nice or a safe cycle (how sad).

Food, I wouldn't give them that much free range in the kitchen. DD2 is a bit inclined to junk, always has been.

School/HW DH has been putting the fear of good (or at least nagging since Y7), both are bright and want to do well. Knowing what they want to do helps too!

Also, DD1(15) thinks teen behaviour is pointless and silly, so poor DD2 gets ganged up on by two parents and DSIS if she starts.

I quite fancied dying my hair blue when I turned 40 - but doubt her school's head would take it quite as calmly. So not too worried there. She knows she can't actually get in trouble for having messy, naff hair. So rebellion without consequences.

Meanwhile, loving your attitude, Disgrace. Please teach me how to do it, Mistress of Zen-ness. My trouble is I wear my heart on my sleeve - she knows I'm upset/cross far too easily.

Ahem. Master. Clue in the NN.

What stopped me going, or rather continuing ballistic, was high blood pressure and the memory of the yelling from DM. It wasn't worth my life, and it wasn't worth bringing up a frightened angry child.

Hygiene: her friends would tell her. Poor eating: her skin erupted, then her friends let her know. Homework: do it or school will think you're thick and idle. Housework: as for hygiene. Attitude: I've seen a man's head come off, my own tibia and sunrise on the Eiger. What YOU gonna do, kiddo?

Looks enough to marry well, brains enough not to have to, smiles enough to get one back.

She'll do OK.

Ooh I sympathise parent. They don't half make life difficult most of the time sometimes do they?

I agree with the posters who have advised you not to sweat the small stuff re appearance and untidiness. Re her homework - some schools don't seem to set much homework at this stage and she won't need to spend as long on it as less able children. Hopefully she'll be like lots of other teenagers who coast until the time of their important exams then come good. I tried everything I could think of to get my DD to work harder and nothing worked, but she did more work than usual immediately before the exams and did okay- because she decided to IYSWIM.

This might sound awful, but I've found it helpful to read Twitter accounts and have a good old stalk look at FB. Also Instagram. My DD also seems to set far too much store on seeking the approval of her peers - she puts a huge amount of selfies online for example. Realising that she's normal (in fact not as extreme as plenty of other teens) has helped me avoid sweating some of the small stuff.

Re your DD being rude - I don't think you should put up with too much. Remember that teenagers want to argue with you and blame you so do your best not to react too much. Probably better to calmly withhold lifts/extras that you do for her to let her see that you don't like her rude behaviour and the natural consequence of rudeness is that people are disinclined to help you.

Thanks, all, and sorry, Disgrace - science so much not my thing I didn't get your ref.

Her behaviour does mess up my life, but I suppose I almost feel it is worth putting in the effort to try to 'improve' her even if it makes me miserable etc - because it annoys the hell out of me, seeing her potential and having put that much 'effort' in so far, to think she might just 'get by' - I want her to be who she can/ought to be!

Which sounds horribly pushy - but I don't like to see good things/people go to waste.

Suppose I need to focus on making most of my life and let her sort her own out... Though dh v opposed to this - his parents did that and he didn't pull his finger out until way too late - now wishes they'd been much stricter.

Aaargh - bed time so I snap less tomorrow.

[Hmm] Rhonda isn't the only one who offered you decent advice. ...

It's a horrible age/stage, parent.

Re. the rudeness...Don't tolerate it: challenge it every time, but don't punish every time, because (a) it's mostly just noise, like a bubbling kettle, and often they aren't actually aware of how rude they are and it means nothing, (b) it creates an atmosphere of constant conflict that's horrible for both of you, and (c) you run out of punishments for serious stuff! The best challenge I have found (learned here; I wish I could remember who introduced me to it) is a shocked look and tone plus the words "Did you mean to be so rude?!"

More generally, you asked how you can "focus on the positives and get a grip". Those are challenges for many of us with teenagers, and of course it's harder if you are generally stressed and unhappy. In my own experience, and from what I've seen in friends and others, one of the most effective things we can do in this situation is take our attention away from our teens a bit, and focus some energy on ourselves. IMO that isn't a luxury if you're finding your teen difficult, it's a survival essential. I would very strongly recommend that you do some nice things for yourself - whatever you enjoy, whether that's exercise, creative activities, coffee with friends, etc. If you do this regularly, then quite soon you'll find it has a positive effect on how you deal with your daughter. :)

I actually dyed my DDs hair blue for her!!

It's the moaning that gets me. Morning noon and night, moan, moan moan. Every little thing is wrong. Very draining.

Mine also keeps "threatening" to leave home. I know it is all normal and it is good to be able to come here and vent and share but oh how I wish this period was over. I just can't wait for her to grow up!!

I found having toddlers an absolute doddle so I suppose this is the payback.

Don't worry much she sounds a lovely creative loved teenager! I had one like it and she is now a wonderful successful daughter. Just remember that teenagers need you more than ever they need to rebel within boundaries but need praise even if they shrug it off! She may feel that you think she is wasting her potential but she is only13! Give her a chance and praise what she does do. Also ask yourself as I did do I really respect her as a learner adult trying to make choices and give her some space to do so! Hope this helpful good luck

it is worth putting in the effort to try to 'improve' her even if it makes me feel miserable etc - because it annoys the hell out of me, seeing her potential and having put that much 'effort' in so far, to think she might just 'get by' - I want her to be who she can/ought to be.

That's exactly how I feel about my DC - it's probably the same for many/most parents. Last year I posted on a thread about teens who put in minimum effort at school that I didn't want to look back and think 'Maybe if I'd been stricter those results would have been better'. Another poster commented that they felt the same but nothing made any difference with her DC. In my case - and probably yours - it was the same. For many teenagers the need to feel that they are making their own choices outweighs making sensible choices.

I'm now coming to think that there are other equally important ways to help/support your teen - other than insisting they do homework/achieve highly in exams. "who she can/ought to be" includes much more than getting a good education IYSWIM. And I say this as someone who puts a huge value on education for its own sake as well as for the choices it affords. Our teens are now under huge pressure to look a certain way and be seen to be 'performing' a certain way 24/7 - it's much harder to escape peer pressure now with Omni-communications/images/social networking and constant unhelpful tv programmes and adverts giving the message that young people should be having fun/living their 'dream' etc.

Hopefully if you can manage to really listen to your DD - without arguing or explaining why she's being silly and make her feel loved/valued/respected etc (not saying that you don't do this) she will be more likely to decide for herself to do the things she needs to do to fulfil her potential. You can attempt to do that while not accepting rudeness. She needs to feel that you value HER as a person - not just for doing well at school - (even though we all know how important that is) or having a tidy room and looking respectable; a more fundamental way of helping her to achieve her potential.

I was brought up short by my DD's answer to a question about what she most valued from her parents/would most like to have ('langauges of love' parenting course by Nicky and Sila Lee) when she chose 'Words of Encouragement'. I thought I was encouraging, or realistic eg me to her "time's running out for you to revise", "it'll be worth it" etc. She probably just heard general nagging and stopped listening.

I know that probably sounds very woolly and idealistic, especially when we live in tough, competitive times - easy to speak of being loving/listening etc- (especially when your DD would try the patience of a saint) but your motivation to see your DD achieve her potential comes from your love for her. (I hope this doesn't sound sanctimonious - it isn't meant to)

To that end, Flow's reminder to have fun/relaxation with your own things is spot on IMO.

I wish I could follow this advice.

(by the way my DD got good enough grades in her exams to hopefully get good offers from unis in a few weeks time - bites nails)

Sme useful advice on this thread. Have just come back from staying with a friend who nags at her kids constantly.

I was nagging at DS13 this morning not to forget his raincoat to wear over his school blazer. They have a school trip today and have to walk into town in the rain.

He said " Mum, it's my problem. If I get wet it's me that has to deal with it, not you".

Very wise. I backed off and went for a coffee.

Cleaning up.
I have threatened DD15.

" if you do not pick up all this dirty underwear and put it in the washing machine, I am going to take a photo of it and post it on Facebook.

That usually provokes a whirl of activity.

I like your style Travelled

Although my DD probably wouldn't be bothered - she takes selfies against a background of dirty undies etc and Maybe if I threatened to add my own granny pants to the pile and posted that on FB.....

my eldest was like this - took to her room and then came out and was rude. But got through it - got her grades for uni next year (I had lots of anxiety around that even if she did not!) and now is a volunteer teacher in South America for a year before uni- the making of her I am sure ; and she is enjoying after some challenging moments which she has turned to us for support.
My 16 year old is also like this but add in the mix of severe anxiety - see my other thread. So I know the theory of what to do but is much harder to do when they are upset rather than just rude! It is exhausting and I know at times I allow behaviours in the 16 year old as I am too exhausted with dealing with her anxiety. So it is still hard to see when things will be easier.
on the other had my 13 year old son is a breeze..........so far......and happy at school, working hard, nice friends. Gets bemused by his sisters anxiety.
So they are all different- and while I worry about the future and carry guilt about some of this- in my rational moments realise masses relates to their own individual personality.
Just hearing others have the same helps you not feel you are going mad alone though!

we are very strict about rudeness. This is the protocol:

• one warning
• if repeated: go to quiet room, come out when ready to apologies (plus the next the computer session is gone)
• if repeated: stay for the rest of the day in your room (without any gadgets)

The last point was introduced just recently and it really seems to hit a sore point - much better behaviour since

Thanks all - exactly what I needed. Lots of great advice :) from those who've been through it too. Wish I could put it all into practice as easily as read it...

Am feeling a bit calmer today - gave dd back her phone and explained I wanted her to be safe. We didn't really speak before school but were civil at least...

flow - you're right, I do need to focus on me so less likely to fly off the handle and take things personally. There are lots of career/financial things stressing me out I should be focussing on so will try to ignore dd as actually that appears to be what she wants and I might as well spend my time more productively. Found your division between punishing and challenging rudeness found for thought; though am also drawn to Palika's two-strikes and your out rules, as focussing dd's mind on the need to behave. (Better than 1 strike as allows them a chance to stop bad behaviour in its tracks.)

It is years till she does GCSEs - not even chosen them yet - so am happy to let that go (wish dh was more on board on this - I think his pressurising her to work actually puts her off, but he doesn't see this).

chocoluvva - yes, what you said about caring she achieves because I care - this is what I don't think she gets - she sees it as nagging, as me trying to be competitive in the playground or whatever. I think she really has no idea of the direction the world is going in and how hard it can be. I want her to be as well prepared as possible for that world. But not sure how to get that message across without terrifying the life out of her! What was your parenting 'languages of love' course? - sounds good. Suspect my dd would say the same as yours.

gillypie - should print your words off and put on my fridge! - don't think I do see her as a learner adult (esp when she is having a toddler-style tantrum) or respect her as such, but I think that is what she craves.

Travelled - have the coat thing all the time too - but doesn't them behaving like a child make you want to treat them like a child? My answer to 'but it'll be me that gets wet' used to be 'and me that has to take a day off work when you're off school sick' - but probably applies less now she's old enough to be left if necessary. So yes, you're probably right. Wish I had dc who didn't make stupid choices, though...

And Ursula - yes, I was the smug mother of perfect dcs when younger - sure this is my punishment... :(

Ha - am truly a rubbish and contrite parent. DD has gone down with flu today! so her awful behaviour yesterday was (in retrospect) clearly her sickening for it.

Hoping that she is therefore normally less horrid than I credited her with being yesterday.

Or was that normal and this temperature-induced sleepiness that brings out my maternal urges nicely the aberration?

Am hoping the former...