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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Parties, Alcohol && Mixed Gender Sleepovers.

28 replies

Eviejaes85 · 16/10/2013 20:32

My 14 year old dd has asked me can she go to a Halloween party. She has admitted that there is going to be alcohol there, she also asked me could she sleepover at the boys house with a group of girls and boys from school. I want her to go but I'm not sure as a parent I could let her.. help?

OP posts:
PositiveAttitude · 16/10/2013 20:57

That would be a no from me - and I have had 5DC go through that age and it would have been a no for all of them.

Helpyourself · 16/10/2013 21:01

No. Although I allowed a small mixed group to sleep over in the sitting room after a party at that age as I knew I could supervise them and knew them. Astonishingly not all the parents confirmed I would be there, and happily sent their dcs off to an as far as they knew unsupervised mixed sleepover. Hmm
I always offer to collect at midnight.

Original poster
Eviejaes85 · 16/10/2013 21:08

I agree but I did things like that at her age && my mum has told her this so I feel like a hypocrite.. She hasn't went to a big mixed sleepover, I want her to experience these things but Im not sure I want her to go.

OP posts:
dexter73 · 16/10/2013 22:00

That would be a no from me. I used to do things like that too so I know exactly what goes on! Tbh I wouldn't let a 14yr old go to a party where I knew there was going to be alcohol anyway.

NoComet · 16/10/2013 22:20

DD1 I might have said yes, not that she ever gets invited t to parties like that.

DD2 no way, she's too likely to try and fit in.

Travelledtheworld · 16/10/2013 23:32

No.
Definitely not the sleepover and I would be very cautious about the party.
Is it specifically for teenagers ?

Original poster
Eviejaes85 · 17/10/2013 06:49

Yes it's for teenagers, I don't know what to do, because if I say no she might stop speaking to me about these things but if I say yes and something goes wrong I wouldn't be able to sleep at night & yes I remember being 14, i went a lot to them. They all turned out fine. I might stick to my instinct && say no.

OP posts:
Helpyourself · 17/10/2013 08:08

YY to saying no all things considered.
You sound quite unassertive with her. 14 is very young, don't be scared to say no or be swayed what she tells you other parents are allowing. Have confidence in your abilities as a Mum!

Ragwort · 17/10/2013 08:13

Firstly I would check if the parents are going to be there (we had to do this ourselves last weekend to the mortification of our DS Grin); if parents were staying I would let my teenager go, on strict instructions not to drink excessively and insist on picking up at 11.30pm or earlier.

PositiveAttitude · 17/10/2013 08:48

Can I suggest that just maybe your DD might not want to go? DD1 would ask if she could do something like this, when we said no she was really relieved as she could then say that we had said no without any embarrassment about her saying no for herself, or going and being in a difficult situation that she was uncomfortable in. It might be worth an honest talk about her feelings and the reasons you are not comfortable with the whole thing.

Claybury · 17/10/2013 09:40

It's v unfair that we responsible parents are put in the situation of having to always say no. What sort of parents think alcohol is ok for a children's party and why do they always have to sleep over ! Totally irresponsible parenting in my eyes.
I allowed my son a lot of freedom ( and trust ) from 13 years and later discovered he totally abused our trust and was smoking weed, having sleep overs so we wouldn't know (other households being far less vigilant than us) . I have learnt not to assume ANYTHING regarding parental control in other houses. Other parents knew the kids were getting stoned and nobody thought to tell me. Devastated when I found out - kids may behave badly but I wrongly assumed parents would behave like adults.

Be careful about setting a precedent - it's hard to get strict later once you've let out the reigns.
Not easy always being the bad guy though is it.
Rant over.

scherazadey · 17/10/2013 09:54

People have very strong views one way or the other on this! Personally I have no problem with the sleepover but wouldn't allow DC to go at age 14 because of the alcohol. Adult supervision is the key, all my three have as many friends of the opposite sex as they do their own and have all done mixed sleepovers with no problems at all.
Check out this thread on the subject from back in July:

www.mumsnet.com/.../a1795274-Mixed-gender-sleepovers-ok-and-a-big- NO

GraduallyGoingInsane · 17/10/2013 14:01

I have 4 DDs. I'd probably let my 17 year old DD1 go, and I'd let me 15 year old DD2 go to EITHER a party with alcohol where I collected her, OR a sleepover without alcohol. The combination of the two is a disaster waiting to happen.

Do you know the parents/kids going well? If so, could you allow her to go but pick her up at, say 11? As a compromise? That way she's not sleeping over, and she will be curtailed in drinking as 'mum will see'? I think that would be how I'd play it.

Credit to your DD for being honest and telling you that there will be alcohol and boys. She sounds very sensible - my eldest went through a lying stage in around year 9 and ultimately she got trusted far less as I couldn't be sure a 'sleepover at friends' was what she said it was. That trust took a long time to rebuild.

I also always advocate a safe exit plan for teens to allow escape without fear of embarrassment. Tell her if she calls and says, for example 'I left my hair straighteners on' or some other innocent sounding pre agreed phrase you will instantly ask her if she wants collecting urgently, no consequences.

My eldest has used this before when things got out of hand at a party and the group had gone into the town to a bar, and drugs had been talked about. I was very angry that she'd lied about her plans and had been drinking at age 14, but very relieved that she'd had the sense to call for help, and it was ultimately a turning point where she began to be more honest and I think realised I was asking awkward questions about her plans because I am interested in her safety and wellbeing.

secretscwirrels · 17/10/2013 15:21

OP you are the parent and you are allowed to say no without fearing the consequences if you have thought carefully about it. Much harder to say no next time if you let her go this time against your better judgement.
As others have said I would say no to a mixed sleepover with alcohol, not just at 14 but older as well. I have let both of mine got to supervised mixed sleepovers without alcohol from 13. We live in the sticks and so do all their friends so it's very common round here. But I know the parents.

bigTillyMint · 17/10/2013 15:37

Tell her that before you can make a decision, you need to speak to the parent(s) of the child hosting the party about arrangements.

This may put her off wanting to goWink

If not, and you are not happy with the arrangements, then say no.

Original poster
Eviejaes85 · 17/10/2013 18:44

I told her I will speak to the parent hosting the party tommorrow at school (my dd2 and her ds4 go to school together,) I will talk it through with her then I will decide, I'll get back too you with what she says (:

OP posts:
Original poster
Eviejaes85 · 18/10/2013 19:55

I spoke to the mum today at school. She said that there will be alcohol there however in small amounts, she reasurred me that it is just teenagers in their year at school there but did say between the hours of 4-7 she will not be there then she will be there the whole night, she said that she will supervise them the rest of the time. Also since she fosters kids, I doubt she would put any in a unsafe or difficult position. I'm beginning to think about letting her go after speaking to the mum. I need to make a decision soon as dd1 said that she will have to make other plans if she can't go. What to do now?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/10/2013 19:58

What time does the party start? I wouldn't be happy if they started drinking early and the parents weren't there. Not as straight forward as you thought is it?

Viviennemary · 18/10/2013 20:00

Mixed sleepover + alcohol = recipe for trouble and disaster.

dexter73 · 18/10/2013 20:07

She fosters children but thinks it is ok to supply alcohol to 14 year olds? She doesn't sound that great to me.

bigTillyMint · 18/10/2013 20:18

Agree with the others. The kids will ship in alcohol in their rucksacks + the stuff she provides.

Tricky.

teenagetantrums · 19/10/2013 14:11

At 14, no not unless i knew the parent and the level of supervision, i would be worried about the alcohol at the age of 14, i have supplied a can of beer each for in the past for my sons 15th birthday and did check with the other parents before, but my son was one of the youngest in his year and most of his friends were already 16. I have no problem with mixed sleepovers as a concept but depends of the children going.

specialsubject · 19/10/2013 18:14

if she disappears for 3 hours leaving kids with booze there will be vomit all over her carpets at best, someone unconscious at worst. They have no concept of pacing themselves and can be out of it on very small amounts. The drinking age is set for a reason.

Eggsiseggs · 27/10/2013 00:27

No. Have seen the fall out from this several times in school. It's too much responsibility all at once for a 14 yr old. And I am pretty laid back, I think.

harrison1999purple · 30/10/2013 10:19

Claybury, I'm so with you.
why do parents allow alcohol at parties at that age?..and, in my experience, it always seems to be the parents of Girls who hold these parties. My son moans that he'll never have a party as I wont allow alcohol and I dont think I could handle the inevitable fall-out of a house 'gathering' that involves mixed genders at age 15/16ish.
It is difficult to go back, as well, as you rightly point out. I started off insisting that I contact the host parent but gradually my son reassured me that no-one does that. Really? I do ask who else is going to these Gatherings and I make sure I know some of the other boys and sometimes contact the other parents, but tbh I'm astounded that most of them are chilled, which makes me think I'm overprotective!
I'm really not enjoying this teenage lark!