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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm engaged, the parents won't let my fiancée move in!

56 replies

youaretooyoung97 · 02/10/2013 15:13

I'm 17 and been with my partner for 2 years, been engaged for 3 months, and the fiancée asked for blessing from my parents before proposing. 2 weeks ago I raised the subject of him moving in, and without thought, my dad said no. I won't argue with my parents. It's their house, their rules, and I'm their daughter, but I think it's unreasonable that they'd agree to us getting married, but not to us living together? Is there anything I could do to change their mind? Oh, and he has a full time job, willing to pay £100 a week for rent and I'm not allowed to move to his either.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 02/10/2013 15:33

He doesn't want you to grow up too fast, but gave his blessing to your engagement at 17?

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2013 15:34

What everyone else said.

If you're old enough to support yourself then move out. Your dad doesn't get to decide for you.

I wouldn't want another adult in my house.

MorrisZapp · 02/10/2013 15:34

He doesn't want you to grow up too fast, but gave his blessing to your engagement at 17?

WhoNickedMyName · 02/10/2013 15:35

There are already 5/6 adults in your house. For that reason alone I can see why he said no.

BeckAndCall · 02/10/2013 15:36

Are you still at school and your parents still claiming child benefit for you? As 17 year olds have to still be at school/college or in training now, maybe there's some liability they still have for making that happen? I don't know.

17 is a difficult one to call - not adult yet in the eyes of the state but certainly not a child. How long until you're 18, Op?

JRmumma · 02/10/2013 15:42

How does your dad envisage your marriage working if you aren't 'allowed' to live with your husband? Assuming your dad gave his blessing to your engagement? Id say he isn't taking your relationship seriously for a start.

pookamoo · 02/10/2013 15:46

When are you thinking of getting married, OP? Where do you plan to live after that?

Pagwatch · 02/10/2013 15:53

Oh op, you have to chose.
You are teetering between being a child and being an adult and you can't quite get your head around that. It takes us all a while and even now, spending a bit of time in my mums house can make me regress a bit.

But.either you are old enough to be engaged to be married and ready to make life choices for you and your husband to be.
Or you are not quite an adult and will do ask your father bits but then complain its so unfair.

So either make a sensible choice for you and your husband to be by moving in to your own home or deciding you need to wait longer before you make that step.
Or accept that you are not ready to make adult decisions and stay at home without an engagement that actually just means you are dating with intent.

Both are fine. But you can't be an adult whilst complaining that your dad is a meanie

It's a difficult time tbh.

Original poster
youaretooyoung97 · 02/10/2013 15:57

I'm in full time education doing a-levels, with a part time job... Think I need to realise that being a child for a while longer won't hurt, and there's no compromise with this... Okay, thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 02/10/2013 16:00

Good luck youaretooyoung.

If being together is the right decision, it will still be the right decision when you have finished your education.
Smile

SuperiorCat · 02/10/2013 16:29

Your latest response shows enormous maturity OP.

Most teens who come here for advice usually flounce at not getting their desired response.

If your parents are supporting you financially then I guess you do have to wait until your education has finished, unless your future DH is willing to support you. Hope all goes well

Orchidlady · 02/10/2013 17:27

I would more worried about my 17 year getting married it is far too young. You need to find out who you are, you have you whole life ahead of you.

NatashaBee · 02/10/2013 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 02/10/2013 17:38

" they'd agree to us getting married, but not to us living together? "

It's their house and just maybe they don't want to have another adult living in it, day in day out. I would hate to have someone extra living in my home. I like to chill out at home, put my PJs on early evening, lounge around and do my own thing. All fine when its just you , your partner and children = much less so with another adult.

I imagine the issue isn't about you living together - more the issue of him living with them too.

If you and your boyfriend want to live together then maybe you need to get a place of your own. That's what everyone I know has done when they reached that stage in a relationship.

juneau · 02/10/2013 17:40

If you want to live together, move out and get your own place. Your parents are completely within their rights to say who lives in their house. Do you really think they want to listen to you two shagging away every night?

Bunbaker · 02/10/2013 18:17

"How does your dad envisage your marriage working if you aren't 'allowed' to live with your husband? Assuming your dad gave his blessing to your engagement? Id say he isn't taking your relationship seriously for a start."

I don't agree. Some people just don't want this for their children. Some cultures don't believe in cohabiting before marriage.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/10/2013 18:45

DD is 18 and has been with her bf for 2 years. He is lovely and we adore him.
But move in?
I am already responsible for 2 teenagers, I really, really don't want a third. Not even if he comes farting £££££££.

LIZS · 02/10/2013 18:50

Sounds very crowded already. Presumably they aren't expecting you to rush into marriage if you are still studying and living at home. How old is your fiancé ?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 02/10/2013 19:01

Get married next year and then move in with each other. He wouldn't expect you to live with him when you are married, I am sure.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 02/10/2013 19:04

I was half joking there, by the way.

I think being young doesn't last long, so enjoy it whilst you can.

But I think once you've finished education then you really ought to move out if that is what feels right for you.

Good luck :)

Pagwatch · 02/10/2013 19:07

Op has said she needs to wait until her education is finished in very polite message upthread Smile

Viviennemary · 02/10/2013 19:10

I think your parents are quite within their rights not to allow your fiancee to move in. Why not wait until you are 18 and then move out. I don't think there would be very much your parents could do if you moved out now but it is nice that you are considering their feelings.

LynetteScavo · 02/10/2013 19:14

Your parents sound entirely reasonable, apart from the bit about you not moving out until your 20's...what I think your Dad means is he will continue to support you financially into your 20's. Once you are 18, I think you can do what you like and move out (but not if you were my DC Wink)
Once people are married, they usually live separately from their parents, and financially support themselves.

Why doesn't your fiance get a place of his own, so you have somewhere to be alone at the weekend?

And who is going to pay for the wedding......let me guess....your Dad! Grin I bet your parents have waited 17 years for their little girls big day. They will want it to be really special, and in their dreams after you have graduated, and started your first job, but before you are pregnant. Grin

musicposy · 02/10/2013 23:48

£100 per week? Don't make me laugh! I have a 17 year old DD too and there is no way on earth that would even half way cover the expense of her living with us. Which I don't mind as she is my DD, and I don't charge her any rent etc at the moment, but if she suggested moving another adult in with us there is no way on earth we could do it, particularly for that measly amount of money.

I can see you've already realised you're being a bit unreasonable. :) What's the rush? If you're getting married to this person you should have years and years ahead of you. It makes sense to finish your education and concentrate on that first. Move in together when you can afford your own place. You'll need a lot more than £100 a week each, I'm afraid.

sashh · 04/10/2013 09:10

I don't expect anything of them! But my dad won't let me move out, either. He's made it very clear that I'm not moving out until I'm in my 20's. I just feel stuck is all

What is he going to do handcuff you to the kitchen sink?

You do sound (maybe just the way you come across) like a 12 year old. If you can't afford a place together then you are not ready to get married or live together.

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