16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

[Mumtomygirls]

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody :( the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much :( 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me :( a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time :( then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him :(luckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

Yes - having a sit down chat is far too formal. Tell her you are sorry but you are learning how to parent a teenager who is becomig a young adult and will make mistakes. Say you think you might have overreacted due to your wish to protect her.

. Ask her what makes a good parent of teenagers and how she would like you to be ( forces her to think about what exactly a good parent does and allows her to request some changes and freedoms and take a more mature position)

Tell her you will welcome her boyfriend but do not greater to chat. To him - far too heavy while things are delicate. Small steps! I think you have to force yourselves to relax and be more chilled even if you do not feel it. These later teenage years can be very very tricky an I think many of us have to allow a bit more freedom than we are comfortable with and keep our fingers firmly crossed for a happy outcome.

Best wishes.

First step complete, although he hardly spoke he could see that we were being honest with him
And our daughter now thinks that we are completely fine with this whole relationship so fingers crossed the long game is well and truly started now

They're now sat on our drive chatting and feeling much more comfortable about the situation and this seems to have put us on the right track to get back to the way things were between us all before the last few weeks happened. This is the best outcome I could have hoped for. I have said to them both that we have no reason to be anything but open and honest with them and it would be lovely if they could do the same and we can all talk about things like grown ups rather then blowing everything out of proportion etc etc so fingers crossed this is the start of a happier healthier family :)

Good news, I'm glad. Keep talking and being open, don't look for ways to play games or she may leave for good.

It's bloody hard isn't it? I do admire you, you must have gone through hell.

It was hard at first cause they sat there giggling and pulling faces but I kept on going and after an hour and a half of chatting and letting them both know that we are ok with them being together I explained that my other half was tired and said they could sit outside on the bench till 10pm my daughter then came in and said thank you and is currently sat eating a slice of toast and drinking tea so in my books the world feels like a happier place already but it's baby steps and this is a journey :)

I'm glad you feel you are moving towards a solution. I think you need to stop focusing on the bf and ask your dd what she wants out of life and get her to envisage how she is going to get there.

The perception I have is that you've made her life very comfortable (albeit kudos for getting her to work pt). If she wants to bite the hand that feeds her then she will have to see that it's going to have consequences.

It sounds like you are very invested in her doing things 'your' way (yes I know you're right!). She stands on the cusp of making some really stupid decisions. Your job is to equip her with the tools to make these decisions herself and let her bear the consequences. No bailing her out.

I like you wouldn't facilitate a 16 year old to have sex in my house. But I would assume it would take place somewhere. It sounds like you've done what you can to make her aware of the problems of teen pregnancy and stds.

Sounds like the bf isn't going to be around forever. Counsel her not to rush in to living together and making babies. Paint a picture of the life she could be facing. Changing nappies when he's left her and her mates are having a great time partying at uni. Ask her what the rush is, some parts of adult life can wait!

Chat to her in a non- judgemental fashion. Sounds like you still have some relationship left. Stop making it about her bf or his nightmare family. Try to focus on her and how she is going to get where she wants to go

Hello :) trust me we have always been about where out daughters want to be in the future and tried to guide them in their decisions when they've needed help.
She has known from a very young age what she wants to be when she's "grown up" and we support her in this fully.

I do know what you mean by letting her take the consequence of her actions as I constantly bailed her out the last couple of years because I felt sorry for her but I'm toughening up now and fear that is maybe part of the problem Because I'm not doing what she wants me
To do :/ anyway things are on a much more positive ground tonight and am looking forward rather then in the past :)

Oh my. It can't have been easy to have a 'chat' with the pair of them sat giggling. It sounds like you've done well.

Hopefully their relationship won't last too much longer. Now there's no drama to add to their fun!

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:19:59
"We also encouraged her when she got to the age of 16 to carry a condom with her so that if it happened she would be prepared even though it was not our personal wish. What scares us is they have both descussed baby names :/ "

You don't think you might have been sending mixed messages here? Otoh you encourage her to carry a condom with her, otoh you go ballistic when you find out the other mum has allowed her to sleep in the same room. So what was the condom for? She may well be feeling a little confused here.

The way it looks to me is, you expect other adults to look after your little girl and make sure she is safe. But imho your dd needs to get the idea that it is her job to look after herself and make sure she is safe by making decisions that she thinks will keep her that way.

I have a 16yo with similar health problems (medication that doesn't mix with alcohol). She regularly goes to parties with plenty of alcohol. She knows that it is her responsibility to manage this situation and that, unless somebody actually pins her down and forces her mouth open, it won't be anybody else's fault if she drinks when she shouldn't. No way would I blame that on her hostess or expect her to keep track of dd's health record.

I don't see it that way at all cory. The OP wanted her daughter to avoid sex too early, as any sensible parent would, but was realistic in knowing it might happen. My teenager had no problem understanding that message. Another parent allowing, even pushing (there was no space eleswhere apparently) is not on. If I'd been the other parent I would have made space, even if it meant sharing my room with the girl. They could at least have made sure the teens had condoms.

Ok I'm not quite sure what happened but this morning another good break through! She has contacted one of her best friends for the first time in a month and although it may not be much it's a start, it's going in the right direction so am very pleased :)

@alreadytaken. You summed it up completely there, I didn't want them to rush into anything at such a early stage of their relationship and also the fact that she's still only 16 (neither a child nor an adult) but made sure that if indeed it did happen the responsibility was not left to just the boy to have contraception.

@cory yes I do believe that as an adult the parent should be supervising what happens in her house with regards to sex & drink. Especially when there were vulnerable 16 year olds there. Especially as I specifically asked her to not give/encourage my daughter to drink shots etc and to a 16 year old when given a drink by a "responsible" adult they almost see that as a green light :/

@choccoluvva it was hard, but iv been trying to give my eldest more responsibility with her own actions etc and apparently the lad has asked if he can come round again cause he likes our house cause we are upfront and not trying to control him :/ I'm now beginning to wonder what his situation is like at home?
Still as harsh as this may sound ATM he is not my concern, our daughter is and the well being of our family :) thank you again :)

What a great result - I think teenagers desperately want boundaries because while their minds and bodies are screaming to be grown up, the responsibility is too much for them to handle.
I would have hated to have parents who encouraged me to drink - I still did it, but knew that it was a rebellion and was careful not to rub their noses in it.
Reverse psychology is very powerful when done with subtlety.

Thank you for the update. It sounds very positive.

The comment the BF made about his mum being controlling is so interesting! Although my DD was also in the thrall of her BF and his family - who gave the appearance of having no respect for anyone else's wishes - she gradually realised that her BF's mum, despite being apparently relaxed and fun, not averse to swearing, unlike DH and me, enjoyed making many an entertaining bitch about anyone and everyone, told them that I was overprotective etc, was actually very controlling and ridiculously overprotective. She was much more controlling of her 17YO than I was of my 15YO!

Only a few months after the BF broke up with DD, DD was telling a friend about the time his mum phoned me, having told DD not to answer my texts or calls and aggressively demanded to know why I was telling my DD to come home by public transport. DD's exact words were, "She was horrible to my mum". It didn't take long for her to see/or be able to admit that she was better off without the BF and his family.

I really sympathise with you having to watch your DD make apparently poor choices at an important time in her life. It's horrible. So difficult. But hopefully your DD will rebuild her other friendships and take more interest in her studies again before too long. My DD bounced back astonishingly quickly. One teacher even commented that she seemed back to her usual cheery self one week after they broke up.

Remember to do something nice for yourself too Mumtomygirls. You deserve it.

Thank you, although I could tell that the bf didn't want to be seen as bitching about his own mum I found certain remarks quite funny but odd at the same time, for example this 18 yr old isn't allowed chocolate cereal in the house at all BUT he's allowed to buy himself bourbon every few months and smoke and have sex, I mean seriously chocolate cereal!? I also found out that when I made him a hospital appointment for a suspected stomach ulcer his own mum was angry with him cause he went to the appointment I had made him (through worry I made the appointment because he was coughing up blood :/ ) yet his own mum had asked him to make an appointment weeks previous with no avail :/ maybe this is where she needs to learn some discretion and take control a little of her sons health as he obviously needs a prod every now and again.

Oh well, we live and learn :)

I have just made myself a nice cup of tea & going to watch some thoroughly mind numbing television while I recover from the flu. I shall enjoy as much as I can the next 3 hours of peace and quiet :) thank you again

OP I am still wondering why your daughter is with this guy if he assaulted her. To me it is a really important question.

Glad to hear she is back home though. Just to clarify what I meant before, I do absolutely think teenagers need boundaries, but I think relationships between parents and their teenagers need to adapt to accommodate a growing sense of independence for the teenager.

The long game is definitely a good way to go.

Good luck!

I tried asking her this and she got all up in my face about it a couple of weeks ago so I'm keeping a very close eye on that one because I have wondered why too :/ I know he apologised to her for doing that before he asked her out but I still do not understand it all

I wonder if she had come to the conclusion her BF was not all she hoped and that the set up at his house wasn't ideal but took her anger out on you, as you wouldn't walk away, rather than have to admit she had made bad decisions and lose face.

Just surmising.

Hmm....

Well I suppose there isn't much you can do then.

Do you think this might be a cry for attention though?

OP, when did DD leave and how long has she been back?

All still seems well, we are trying to find out how to deal with the fact that daughter doesn't seem to understand things have consequences.
We had a couple of little outbursts from her this afternoon but nothing abnormal to "normal" teenage attitude.

This whole running to bf family has been going on a moth and she's been back home a week.

I don't want to sound harsh but our eldest daughter has always been a little "dramatic" and wanted things her own way since she got to about the age of 14.

Im not giving into her so much anymore which is very weird for me :/ tonight for example, my youngest went to bed, then hubby went to bed and I sat there thinking ok I'm tired and it's still not our eldest's bedtime yet what should I do? Then I just got up and said "bedtime" turned the tv off and casually walked upstairs & ok I woke up half an hour ago as not feeling well but I have never put myself first before like that and it made me feel a little guilty if I'm honest :/ but that's obviously something I have to learn to deal with.

Anyway apart from the 10 minutes of attitude earlier all is still 100 X's better then it has been in a long while.

Month*

Good morning Mumtomygirls. I hope you got back to sleep quickly.

IME 16YO girls are often drama queens. It's a maturity thing. The smallest slight by a teacher/parent/acquaintance is blown up out of all proportion and enjoyed. The need to feel they're able to make choices for themselves and the teenage-brain with its difficulty in seeing other people's point of view predispose them to making poor choices sometimes. The difficulty IME is their increased need for your support and patience, at the time you most feel like wringing their neck in frustration with them.

All that and the bad luck of meeting a family who are irresponsible. FWIW, I know of a few families who have had the same thing with their 15-16YO DD's. One of the girls is now at Cambridge uni. She's a lovely girl from a lovely family. Hold your nerve. She'll come through this.

I spoke too soon, the attitude this morning was at a ridiculous level again :(

This was all over hair straighteners. little bit of back history:- she was bought approx 3 or 4 pairs of hair straighteners but kept using mine, I asked her not to but she ignored etc, she was plugging them in the socket outside the upstairs bathroom door WIRE GOING ACROSS THE TOP OF THE STAIRS and then leaving them on the table in the bathroom wire still going across the hall at top of the stairs (Very dangerous in my opinion) anyway a couple of days ago she did this again (once again against me saying no she couldn't use my straighteners to use her own) after both girls had been taken to school I went upstairs and tripped over said wire so I unplugged them and "reclaimed" my straighteners.

Anyway back to this morning, knowing full well I'm run down with a flu bug she decides to wake me up demanding my straighteners, my head was pounding, I told her this but she continued to demand I give her my straighteners NOW! I asked her to stop shouting and with that she turned my light on and started to turf things upside down in my room, she was looking through my bedside cabinet & then started pushing the pile of clothing at the bottom of the bed everywhere and telling me I'm out of order, why she bothers with us all she does not know? Then telling me to give her MY straighteners because I'm being pathetic! I said stop being so rude, can you please leave my bedroom & turn my light off as I don't feel well. She then decides to say it's my fault that her hair now looks like shit even though she's wearing a pretty skirt today what's the use cause I have made her hair look like crap -.- then she goes and turns on ALL the lights upstairs (knowing full well I'm feeling unwell and the lights hurt eyes when have a headache) and storm off downstairs. Then when their father tells her to hurry up as they're going to be late for school she replies " I'm busy now wait " to my surprise she makes him and our other daughter wait another 8 minutes before going out the door shouting CYA to me slams the front door & then I hear her have a go at her little sister on the driveway :(
Feel like my ears & head are going to implode....

I know full well she is expecting to go out tonight and tbh half of me wants her to go out so I can have a peaceful evening but half of me thinks she doesn't deserve tone allowed out tonight?

To be* (not tone)

Where was she supposed to be going? I wouldn't let my dd go out if she spoke to me like that, but there are certain trigger points in your story that I'd avoid.

I would allow her to use my straighteners - hell, I'd buy her an identical pair just to keep the peace. Remember you're not dealing with a reasonable adult, your dd has got emotional issues which you need to think of as the bigger picture.

Plugging them in across the stairs is obviously a no go, so get her a pair, an extension lead and let her keep them in her room (when she's calm and you've spoken to her).

Your dh has to step up here - if you're ill in bed she should have gone to him.

I can remember being a bit like this as a teenager so I suppose I can see it from her point of view a little bit. A huge argument escalating from a pair of hair straighteners is ridiculous. I think this may help to prevent trouble occurring - pick your battles. This one she could have won.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic because I am on your side.