16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

[Mumtomygirls]

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody :( the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much :( 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me :( a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time :( then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him :(luckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

[Mumtomygirls]

We have taken this lad away with us on short holidays and out to dinner and to the city with us and shopping etc etc the only thing we don't do is allow the girls friends home at night as their dad has to go to bed very early because of getting up early in the morning.

We have tried talking to her about hobbies and she seems uninterested in anything that doesn't include him BUT we are still trying for example her driving lessons are coming up and we have tried engaging her in talking about what help we are offering her and what car she would like etc

[Mumtomygirls]

Thank you, we are trying to be very neutral & let her make mistakes but it's very upsetting. Thank you though for your words :)

[Sparklysilversequins]

I think you've been too controlling for too long and she's rebelled in almighty fashion. I think you sound a bit unrealistic about what 16 year olds do as well.

My parents were a bit like this and couldn't seem to deal with the fact that stuff I was doing was normal teenage stuff and not bad or wrong. They overreacted to everything and I am sensing that from your posts. This may be why she feels that she has to burn bridges because you've upped the stakes over even just normal stuff. I know that's how I felt and ended up running away from home aged 14 because my Dad caught me having a cigarette and it was truly as if the world had ended. I just felt as though I had nowhere left to go. Maybe she feels that way? I don't smoke now by the way.

That said I think the boyfriends parents sound awful and like they're loving the drama rather than doing the right thing of getting her to communicate with you.

If I were you I would back right off (do you think you can?). Contraception - good call. I think if you relax she may decide to come back and the novelty will wear off.

[Mumtomygirls]

Friday16 we did not call the police about this we had a casual chat with them with regards to it but seriously you need to rethink the fact you're saying I lost the plot!?

It was her current boyfriend that did this to her when she was below the age of consent and he was above the age of consent. So no I do not feel that I "lost the plot"

This lad/bloke (as he is 18) has in the past been known to do sexual things with a 13 year old when he was above age of consent. So I think as a mother I have every right to be concerned about his approach to this kind of behaviour.

[AnandaTimeIn]

The cynic in me wonders if they were trying to get your dd into a council flat for their ds to move into.

My thoughts too....

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP.

I don't think she should be doing this at 16 neither and there is every chance she will flounder.
I don't think you sound controlling and just want the best for your dd, the same as we all do.
If it was me I would tell her I am always there for her but her recent behaviour as shown she is an adult and should be treated as such.
This means fully supporting herself, if necessary give her cb or equivalent if you don't get this and that is it for the month.
She will soon realise where her bread is buttered.
Tell her she has to respect your wishes or find her own place. This will probably mean her going to bf house, where they don't sound like they can support her.
You need to be tough on her because otherwise this will drag on for years and ruin her education. She needs to wake up and she can only do this if you are firm with her.

[Slipshodsibyl]

I don't think you sound especially controlling at all and am surprised at some of the responses here. This boy sounds as though he has few aspirations and is not particularly respectful of your daughter. Neither is his mother respectful of your family values since she is still only 16.

If she is home and communicating, then things are looking up. I think you have to grit your teeth and accept she might make a mess of her school year, but please don't worry as exams may be re-done and education taken up again later. It sounds as though you are maintaining a relationship and managing to put your worries aside and as a mother of daughters I know how hard that is as they grow up and do things you know are against heir own interests. I am sure this will pass.

As an aside , Is the mini pill safe enough for a young girl? Isn't is less efficacious than he combined and doesn't it have to be taken at exactly the same time each day?

[friday16]

It was her current boyfriend that did this to her when she was below the age of consent

So on the strength of a third-hand account you went to the police to discuss an offence under S.9 of the 2003 Sexual Offences Act which carries a penalty of up to fourteen years' in jail, and you're wondering why your daughter is being difficult? There is no such thing as a "casual chat" about sexual offences. As she would be the only witness, what did you think would happen next? What was your purpose?

This lad/bloke (as he is 18) has in the past been known to do sexual things with a 13 year old

And you know as a fact this because...?

[Slipshodsibyl]

Friday why do you assume this distraught mother whose child is missing her a level studies phoned the police to complain rather than told them about it to explain their distress about the relationship when the police were called out to their house by the boyfriends mother?

[friday16]

Friday why do you assume this distraught mother whose child is missing her a level studies phoned the police to complain

I wasn't aware that making sure sixteen year olds did their homework was part of the police's remit, either. There are very few situations which are improved by calling the police, and without substantially stronger evidence and cause calling the police and casually throwing "he's a paedophile, too" into conversation is only going to escalate the situation to no good purpose.

Is the OP attempting to imply that this is some sort of grooming situation where a child is being abused? Well given she's over sixteen, the man is not in a "position of trust" and there aren't (as reported, anyway) reasons to believe she is formally "vulnerable" or "at risk" and therefore subject to social services (very rare for people over 16 anyway), what is gained by involving the police? I ask again: what does the OP think the police can, or will, do? This seems to have escalated to a messy and protracted dispute between two families, with both sides calling the police on the other, over something (an 18 year old sleeping with a 16 year old) which is not, in any sane world, the subject of police concern.

The OP's main gripe appears to be that someone else isn't enforcing her moral concerns in their own house, over something that's entirely legal (sex with a sixteen year old) and another thing that's entirely legal (supplying alcohol for consumption by a person of sixteen on private premises). Things have now progressed to a point where reason has gone out of the window, and it's not hard to see why the child in the middle of it is not exactly receptive to being told that she's being unreasonable.

[poppingin1]

I was going to say pretty much what everyone else has said already.

I suspect this is a relationship where you have had trouble letting go as your DD has been growing up, she has started to lie and manipulate to ease away from your overly watchful eye, and is now full on rebelling. She has pushed the boundaries to get you off her back but because you are unable to understand that she is growing up and needs some space and that that is why she is behaving this way, you have pushed back by amping up your own behaviour and driven her further away.

My mum is the same and it pushed me into the arms of an abusive partner, it is actually a pretty common story with young women.

I have come to this conclusion because of the fact that your daughter is telling lies. She is manipulating the other family from what you have said, which means the problem is more likely to be rooted in why she is lying than in what the other family is doing. The fact that they have given her some semblance of freedom has encouraged her to rebel, but only because she feels she has something to rebel against from the sounds of things. If she is lying in this fashion, there is a reason why, and to me it seems she is lying to get away from your family.

I don't think you sound like a terrible mother BTW, just maybe an overprotective one. Sometimes a parent might not see that what they think is them trying to protect their child, is actually the thing that can hinder or hurt their child.

That is of course my opinion based on what you have said. There may be far more to this story.

If the boy sexually assaulted her when she was 15, it begs the question as to why she is with him now. I don't disbelieve what you have said at all, but it is a question that needs answering to further understand what your daughter has going through her mind.

[alreadytaken]

OP some posts are best ignored.

As a family we have watched programmes like Worlds Strictest Parents It's quite good for letting them see that actually they could be a lot worse off

Your daughter is struggling with her course and she thinks she is in love and young love is strong stuff. It rarely lasts. She's already worrying about losing him to another girl. She probably has low self-esteem. Do you think you could interest them both in any voluntary work as a way of helping them find employment later? It can be great for building self-esteem.Yes I was suggesting reverse psychology - make teenage rebellion work for you.

I don't think I'd be offering her a car unless she worked for it. Driving lessons help them find work later but giving her a car is almost rewarding bad behaviour.

[lljkk]

The boyfriend & family sound unsavory to say the least, but some of OP's choices have also escalated this, textbook in how not to handle a rebelling teen her grotty boyfriend.
One thing you know doesn't work is cracking down on her, OP. Time for a change of tack.

[chocoluvva]

Good advice. Encourage him to come round to yours. Rave about him to her. Ask about his plans. Invite him on family outings. Seriously.

[Fairylea]

What choco said :)

[CeliaFate]

The OP's already done that "We have taken this lad away with us on short holidays and out to dinner and to the city with us and shopping etc etc the only thing we don't do is allow the girls friends home at night as their dad has to go to bed very early because of getting up early in the morning."

[Fairylea]

But that was before it all got out of hand wasn't it?

I think as hard as it is the op needs to love bomb her dd and welcome the boyfriend in with open arms and show that despite everything that has happened they still love her and want her home and will support her. Teens are very good at persuading themselves that their parents hate them and there is no way back, you need to show her there is (and not make it conditional, respect her decision to have sex or stay over at her boyfriends as long as she is being safe about it).

There is nothing more likely to turn a teenager off a boyfriend than a mum who dotes on him. He will suddenly become extremely uncool.

[friday16]

There is nothing more likely to turn a teenager off a boyfriend than a mum who dotes on him.

So, for example, a very good way to create a problem is to refuse to have the boyfriend in the house at night (for whatever reason, although "my husband has to go to bed early" is a particularly bad one) and therefore ensure that their relationship is played out in other people's houses.

[JustinBsMum]

I wonder if teenagers sometimes are anxious about adulthood and the 'rebelling' is really their deep seated fear and confusion about the future. (armchair psychologist here)
Falling for an unsuitable boy/girlfriend is therefore a sort of distraction from this.

The OP has been welcoming to the BF so I can't see that DD is rebelling due to OP being too controlling.

I felt visiting Uni open days was a good move with DCs this age - they got to see what the future might be and it wasn't too scary, in fact it looked good fun. If DD not going to uni maybe look at local places where she might want to work, speak to people who work in a career she could be interested in. Not in a pushy way, more treat them like an adult who might be interested in this.

[Mumtomygirls]

Hello all again.

I did not phone the police with regards to the hand down her knickers situation, I had a casual chat with a female officer about it as it's a delicate situation. My daughter was the one who told me what he had done that is how I know about it.

The car & driving lessons are a bargaining tool of "if you study at school & do your homework"

The fact that we don't want the girls friends round covers all of their friends after a certain time at night and I'm sorry but that is not controlling it's just something that has always happened in our house because of early mornings etc the girls have had parties here or friends round to play on the wii and movie nights where we let them have the second lounge to themselves so they don't have to sit with us if they don't want to?

The alcohol part is a health part if you would care to read it again and is due to the fact she has been hospitalised for seizures before so it's high risk when drinking

FRIDAY16 you need to actually read the replies and understand I/we did NOT call the police. So stop making it sound like we called the police over homework etc.

We have tried talking to the lad, he has ignored messages that were sent to him. We even said about him doing some car work with my other half but he's uninterested we also invited him to come to the races with us and out for a meal but he still hasn't responded to us

Sorry I can't reply to everyone individually but hopefully this reply will answer all?

Thank you

[classifiedinformation]

I am very surprised by the amount of people on here saying the OP is being too strict on her DD. No wonder teenage pregnancy and binge drinking are so prevalent in the UK!

My parents were pretty strict with me at 16 when I was at college and I didn't respond by rebelling or treating them like dirt, I had more respect for them and myself!

I am much more open minded than my DM was about sex, drinking, smoking etc, but I thoroughly believe that at 16, young adults still need boundaries. I would also be very concerned that my DD was wasting her teenage years chasing after some lad who was happily and openly dating (probably sleeping with) other girls. The pill is no use against STIs and I for one would be booking her in at the GUM clinic asap.

However, that said, all that can really be done at the moment is back off a bit and see how things go for a while, it sounds like the BF isn't in this for the long haul anyhow. Hopefully it will fizzle out on it's own.

I really feel for you OP and I hope things improve for your family.

[MsWazowski]

Oh dear OP, you're having a bit of a rough time of it. It's so difficult to watch them do something that you know they will regret, but they need to learn from their own mistakes.

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things, sometimes unconditional love is the only thing you can give when they won't listen. As classified said, hopefully this will fizzle out soon.

[Mumtomygirls]

Just a quick update, I have asked our eldest daughter to get her bf to come round tonight so we can have a chat and move forward from all of this and all of a sudden she has kicked off in our face saying "WHY" when we have expressed that all we want to do is chat and build bridges. She's using every excuse not to allow the chat to happen so I have messages him myself and now awaiting a reply as I feel this is what's needed to make things more comfortable between her BF & our family?

[Sparklysilversequins]

As hard as it is, I think that there is nothing you can do to build bridges right now. The other party have to want to as well and they just don't right now. I think that is pretty common amongst rebellious youngsters but it doesn't make it any less painful for you and your family. I also think you have to tread that fine line between still being there for her and not being taken for a mug because you may end up so desperate that you end up being taken advantage of to keep her close.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The boyfriend sounds dreadful.

[gamerchick]

see the problem is at the minute.. she doesn't see it as clearing the air.. she sees it as again imposing your will on her.

Unless you were going to sit and listen with minimal opinion then I doubt you were going to get anywhere.

Let her calm down and come to you.

YOU feel as though this is needed.. they obviously don't. The long game will probably be your best bet.