Have posted about our current crisis on Chat and Secondary Education. Things have moved on since yesterday.
My dd in year 10, who left primary with level fives in all her SATS, and a stack of reports describing her as 'a joy to teach' and 'a lovely person to have in class', is now facing permanent exclusion and a move to a pupil referral unit in January if she doesn't stop arguing with teachers and walking out of lessons. The school is being great - they are doing all they can to address her behaviour, and we are supporting them every inch of the way. She has 12 weeks to turn her behaviour around, according to the school, and they are monitoring her every step of the way.
The problem is that dd seems to live on a planet - planet teenager - where she is involved in her own odd little drama that none of us can understand, and there are no consequences for failing exams or leaving school with a terrible report from your teachers. I've got a horrible feeling she quite likes the idea of going to a pupil referral unit, where she'll be mixing with a peer group which will consist primarily of disruptive boys from very disadvantaged backgrounds, children in care, and children with special needs who can't cope in mainstream. She comes from an educated middle class family, has no learning difficulties and according to CAMHS, who we were referred to last year, no diagnosis of any mental or developmental disorder. She is just a very, very difficult teenager who is giving everyone the run about, despite loads of support from home.
The only things she has ever said she wants to do is work with children, in childcare, or get into social work. I was thinking this morning about how I'd feel about employing someone to look after my children straight from school (because at the rate she's going university will be out of the question) who had attended a pupil referral unit. Also, if I was a nursery manager how I'd feel about a job applicant with this on their record.
I'm wondering what the general view is - it'd help me know whether saying 'this move might make it impossible for you to have a good career in the fields in which you're interested in' would be a reasonable thing to present to her to persuade her to rethink her choices over the next few weeks.
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Teenagers
My dd may end up in a pupil referral unit - would you employ her when she leaves?
Minifingers · 25/09/2013 09:40
"I've noticed that the one's I know are intolerant of any not towing the line and can't handle it if they are not in complete control of their children. Resulting in children who ended up rebelling."
Firstly, the only time I taught in a school was during my teaching practice and one term afterwards. Since then I have taught in FE for this reason: that I'm NOT a disciplinarian and find classroom management the least enjoyable part of the job.
Actually the question I've asked myself is not 'have I been too controlling?' but 'Have I been controlling enough' - mainly in relation to school work. My involvement in my dd's academic life in primary was this: I read to her every day, and I checked her homework was in her bag. I never supervised her homework, gave her extra work, or sat with her when she did her work, and was smug about the fact that she went through school in top sets with that little input from me. Her handwriting was beautiful, her working out in maths logical and well organised. She left primary with a 5b in her maths despite being an august birthday, and the only child on the top table who'd had no tutoring. She is very musical and started playing piano. I let her drop it when she decided she didn't want to do it any more. Ditto Brownies and dance. I am the very opposite of controlling.
But hey-ho, so far on this thread we've had suggestions that my parenting is too slack, and suggestions that I'm controlling and forceful. Obviously my dd's behaviour MUST be my fault. 
I think that's a bit harsh towards finallylurking. You can't (and neither can any of us with our children) completely reject the idea that a way a parent is with their child will have an impact on the way a child behaves and what teenager and then adult they become.
I know it's horrible having people suggest things like that, but your reaction to finallylurkings post makes me think that there might actually be something in it. In that you don't seem to being looking inwards at all at why this might be happening, you don't seem to be open to the idea at all which makes me think that perhaps you are of the nature where your way goes and no one can disagree. This could be quite hard for a child.
I know that I for one never felt listened to or heard as a child and for me this resulted in extreme shyness and then doing some ridiculously stupid and dangerous things when I got to mid teens in complete contrast to how I was before!
We're all a product of our childhood.
What I am trying to say is that I don't think it hurts to be self aware. If this isn't something you would be keen to look at I'll say no more and leave the thread. No need to tell me to "seriously fuck off!" 
"I don't think anyone said the things you mentioned in your last post?"
No - just a mention of me being 'draconian' - ie, forceful and harsh, in relation to breastfeeding and mentioning it on a thread about my dd's poor behaviour. Swiftly followed by a comment about me maybe being overly controlling with my children. 
mini
All I can tell you is my work colleague is going through something similar and I know there is nothing in their behaviour that's caused it. They are lovely - flawed as we all are - but lovely. In their case it's almost certainly an inherited condition.
Whatever is behind it, I wish you well. I have no experience - other than supporting my friend. But I wish you all the strength you will need to get DD through this.
I know you are upset, but the more aggressive and out of proportion you react to posts on here, the more it does make it look like perhaps . . .
Well you know
I won't bother you anymore op.
I wish you well.
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mini plenty of us know its not that bad parents are behind struggling teens: my parents tried very hard to be fair to all 3 of us. As teens, I was mildly grumpy, db1 occasionally lashed out and db2 went off the rails entirely. Dm was a teacher too
She will find a way though. Try to get her qualifications, be less hung up about where they come from.
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