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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS(13) gets out of bed 5 mins before schoolbus

72 replies

Campari · 02/09/2013 09:58

Please help, I am soo angry right now.

My DS is 13. He started back at school a couple of weeks ago, and all has been fine except he insists on only getting out of his bed 5 mins before the bus arrives outside the door. He is supposed to leave at 7:30am, which is just as I have to get up for work. Every mornin I hear his bedroom door opening, then he is straight out the front door. No wash, no teethbrushing, no breakfast...nothing.
I have had words with him about this before, including last term when I confronted him as he was about to rush out the door. I frogmarched him to the bathroom, told him to get washed & he wasnt going anywhere until he had done so. He missed his bus, & had to walk. It obviously didnt do anything for him though, as he still continues.

I have already told him about the importance of hygiene, smartness of appearance etc, but he is happy to laze about & get more zzz's. His bedtime is 9pm, lights off at 10, but I am seriously thinking of making it earlier...or second option - set my own alarm for 6:30am & go get him up everyday??

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 02/09/2013 14:49

I don't see the issue to be quite honest. If he showers the night before, there's no need for him to get up stupidly early to get breakfast if he doesn't want it. I'm never hungry early in the morning and I would be pretty pissed off if someone woke me up unnecessarily early to eat something I wasn't interested in.

So long as he's getting up in time to get on the bus, leave him to it.

flow4 · 02/09/2013 19:43

He's catching the bus, and you are doing all his preparation for him, so actually, he is doing everything he needs to do in this situation, I'd say - or perhaps almost everything...

The lack of teeth brushing is a bit of a concern, but if he's not actually eating breakfast, it's not a major problem... Make sure he brushes them when he gets home from school as well as at bedtime.

And I agree he could, and probably should, be doing more for himself. Since my boys started high school, all I have done for them is time-keeping - i.e. made sure they were up, and reminded them to leave the house in time to catch the bus (because school was too far to walk and I didn't want to end up driving). If I'm not working, I quite often do this from my bed! My DS2 is 13, and washes and irons his own uniform, and prepares his own breakfast and packed lunch.

I think they get a bit of 'acquired helplessness' if you do too much for them, and don't actually believe they can do things for themselves. They gain confidence quite quickly if they are supported to learn to do things for themselves.

soontobeslendergirl · 02/09/2013 20:22

I agree that he should be doing his bag etc. but I can't imagine not getting up to ensure that my 13 and 12 year olds are showered, have eaten breakfast and have bushed their teeth etc before school......and I like my sleep!

In our house, the boys sort out their bags/kit/homework the night before. They go up and lay out their uniform etc before bed.

My OH gets up at 6.30 has his shower and lays the table for breakfast and makes his lunch. I get up at 7 and make up lunches for the boys and myself and make my breakfast and shout the boys up at about 7.15 - they get up, make themselves breakfast while I have a shower and get dressed. Then they head up to shower, get dressed and brush their teeth and we all ready to go by just after 8. We don't need to leave until 20 past, but that gives a bit of contingency for anything extra.

I just can't imagine not getting up with them in the morning.

AnyFucker · 02/09/2013 21:12

My kids High School is literally around the corner. A 3 min walk (or jog). I think that makes a difference. I don't need to do anything at all.

Original poster

Campari · 03/09/2013 13:32

Right, so an update - yesterday when ds came home from school, we had a chat about the morning routine. I told him I had concerns that he wasnt eating breakfast, or teethbrushing etc, and also reminded him that he had a dental checkup next week.
Anyway, I said to him from now on, I will be up at 7am to make sure he is up & getting ready, but he also has to now be responsible for his own uniform & packed lunch the night before. He was happy with tis, although not so keen on me getting up with him. I said I wasnt happy either, as his I hardly get 5 hours sleep as it is, with work/baby .

So last night he made up his packed lunch, got his bag & uniform sorted....all very good, yes...but this morning when I woke him at 7, he just grumbled & after several naggings he still get up till 7:25. So, same old story. Baby started howling so had to see to her, so i had the best intentions but he still wont get out his bloody bed.

Should I keep getting up & nagging him? Or leave him to do it himself,?

OP posts:

SquidgyMummy · 03/09/2013 13:37

Op, don't beat yourself up, he got his lunch, bag & uniform sorted. presumable that freed up time for you and he is starting to show responsibility. concentrate on and encourage that first. give him a few weeks before you start on the morning stuff

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/09/2013 13:52

Well he is off to a good start with the bag/uniform/lunch though.

Its not all going to just fall into place straight away but its a start.

soontobeslendergirl · 03/09/2013 14:26

Much as you don't want to wish dental treatment on him, it would be a bit of a push if the dentist gave him a bit of a telling off about his teeth. The dentist will ask him how often he is brushing his teeth and it is important that he brushes them in the morning regardless of whether he is eating breakfast or not.

If he isn't washing in the morning, then he could be showering/bathing before bed and even just having a quick wipe with a baby wipe if nothing else in the morning. He could take breakfast biscuits or cereal bar etc with him to eat on the bus with a carton of milk/juice, but it's his teeth I'd be worried about mainly. That and the fact that his work at school will suffer because he isn't eating.

Original poster

Campari · 03/09/2013 18:23

soontobeslendergirl

I agree. I am putting my foot down with him regarding eating breakfast, because as a teen I used to faint when I didnt eat so I know how important it is. Will try the cereal bars.
Also, he's at a stage now where he is getting body odour, so I insist on showers at night & a soapy flannel in the morning. e seems to think a spray of Lynx is a substitute for a bath .
I will see how things improve over the next few weeks, if it doesnt then Im putting his bedtime back earlier.

OP posts:

soontobeslendergirl · 03/09/2013 18:28

I have a 13 year old and a 12 year old and although neither of them smell yet, they do look decidedly greasy if they don't shower in the morning. Neither is keen on having a short hair cut so that looks like a birds nest too. Eldest was getting a spotty forehead if he wasn't washing his hair daily. So far they have been doing as asked and having a shower of a morning with little resistance......I don't know how long this will last! I wish you luck. It's a shame that he has to be up and away so early as they do need their sleep during the teen years but studies have shown that they don't get tired until later.

lljkk · 03/09/2013 20:29

Mine would do exactly the same as OP's if he could; heck he'd regularly miss the bus if I didn't get up and cajole him thru morning routine. I have mental schedule and I check every few minutes to make sure he's following it. Gentle reminders & rewards. I am not a morning person so it's a bit Hellish, I feel your pain there.

You're reminding me that mine needs a shower.

lljkk · 03/09/2013 20:33

Gawd, just read the thread properly. If I didn't do all the lunches/clothes/remind/breakfast/etc. then IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN. He would not get up, not go, not eat except to whine that he needed pocket money to buy crap at the corner shop instead. Not eating only makes him more irrational. But if you can cajole them to prep for school then great, good in principle. I can't tie pocket money to everything (ours is already tied to other desirable behaviour).

11yo DS loves school and only prep we do for her is the packed lunch.

hettienne · 03/09/2013 20:56

I would get up just before he leaves and stop him at the door to check he was washed, brushed and fed - if not send him back to do it. If this means he misses the bus every day for a while and has to walk then so be it.

LBsBongers · 03/09/2013 21:10

My mum used to walk round house signing loudly, if that didn't get us all up she would get a plant spray bottle of water and squirt us out of bed, we did all sort out our own uniforms, pack lunch, breakfast and journey to school.

Good luck

livinginwonderland · 04/09/2013 06:41

I think you need to relax a bit OP, honestly. If he wants to get up at 7.25 and go straight to school, that's fine. It won't kill anyone. He's not missing the bus, he's not leaving half his uniform/homework/PE kit at home. I would say that as long as he showers the night before, all he he needs to do is brush his teeth before he goes. I would let the breakfast thing slide.

Not everyone likes eating breakfast. I can't stomach food in the first hour or so after I'm awake and there's no way I would get up an hour before school or work ust to have some toast. Give him some cereal bars or get him to make a sandwich to take for journey, but don't fuss around and make him eat before he leaves home. It's not a worthwile battle.

lljkk · 04/09/2013 10:13

Someone on MN recommended putting a steaming cup of tea in their hands while still in bed, they had to get up & deal with it, iyswim.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 10:24

A bucket of cold water would have the same affect

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 10:24

Effect

Original poster

Campari · 04/09/2013 15:07

I know I sound like a complete fusspot, and yes I should learn to relax more, but when I was a young teen my mum did nothing for me, most days I had no lunch money and had to share my frkends food, plus she refused to put the boiler on so no showers for me, it was greasy hair everyday. She also gave us chips for dinner most nights as my brothers were fussy eaters & we had to have the same. So when I had my own kids, I vowed to always make sure they went to school fed, washed & decently clothed. DH is totally backing me up, but as he starts work at 6am he cant help, except in the evenings when he cajoles him into getting a wash haha

OP posts:

flow4 · 05/09/2013 04:40

Campari, I do understand that. Lots of us here have probably made promises to ourselves not to repeat our parents' mistakes. But this isn't the same: your DS is choosing not to get up in time for breakfast, you're not neglecting him. Honestly. :)

livinginwonderland · 05/09/2013 09:19

Him not wanting breakfast is different to you being too lazy to give it to him. If he doesn't want to eat, that doesn't make you a bad parent :) it's his choice. I assume there's food if he wants it, so if he's hungry, he'll make something, don't worry.

soontobeslendergirl · 05/09/2013 09:31

I know where you are coming from OP. I came from a large, poor family. We were not neglected. But money was tight. There was a boy in my class who came from a more affluent home, he was always so beautifully turned out and smelled so clean, it really made an impact on me so I swore that my children would be as close to that as I could manage. They are not by nature bothered about their appearance, and as they get older, I have to respect that to a point. But at the moment they are happy enough to comply with the showering if I don't pressure them about haircuts. They also love their food so I can't see them being happy to go without breakfast. You are not repeating your parents mistakes, your son is making his own choices.

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