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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should we make allowances for teenage ds's in the same way we do for hormonal girls?

46 replies

QE · 17/06/2006 22:47

ds1 is 12.5 and growing at an alarmingly fast rate. I have noticed things are starting to change for him down below and he can get what I can only refer to as Hormonal, a bit like pmt every few weeks.

dh can be a bit strict with him - they tend to clash a fair bit and I sometimes think dh is a bit too harsh on him at times. I think we should make allowances for him especially at the minute as he is clearly going through changes which must be as exciting yet scary for him as it must have been for dd starting periods and growing boobs etc.

Obviously I don't mean let him get away with blue murder but I wondered if any of you with boys gave them a bit of leeway at this age?

OP posts:

2shoes · 17/06/2006 22:49

i agree. their hormones are all over the place. shall read what people with more expierence say.

alexsmum · 17/06/2006 22:52

god it's just as bad for boys. their testosterone levels are raging, they have wet dreams to cope with, unwelcome erections,etc.plus all the worries about how they are changing etc.
def give him some leeway.

Original poster

QE · 17/06/2006 22:55

So at what age do they have wet dreams? Or is it relative to their development? ds has started to grow proper black pubes and everything is def getting bigger - I read this bit in the child development book but obv it doesn't say owt about wet dreams and the like!

dh is useless as he says he can't remember having them nor can he recall his voice breaking. I'd like to prepare ds in much the same way I did dd with what to expect etc.

OP posts:

BamboozlesLover · 17/06/2006 23:18

its just as bad for girls as boys. when you say you want to prepare him i wouldn't do this in a "let's sit down and have a chat" approach, just be generally open about it all so its easier for him to come to you. if he wants to talk about it he will.

BamboozlesLover · 17/06/2006 23:18

i mean boys as girls

alexsmum · 18/06/2006 11:28

i think around 12 /13 depending on their development.

themoon66 · 20/06/2006 17:29

How do you know about the black pubes??? . I havent been allowed to see DS's 'nappy area' since aged about 8!

hana · 20/06/2006 17:32

wet dreams - once boys start going through puberty they can have wet dreams, alongside all the other physical and emotional changes - this can be as young as 8!

themoon66 · 21/06/2006 16:31

In reply to the origninal post.... yes of course we should make the same allowances for boys at puberty as we do for girls. In fact I think boys may suffer even worse as the pressure is on to stop behaving like little boys (no crying, no cuddles from mum etc). Girls seem to be able to slip back and do those things more easily. Its maybe the British stiff upper lip thing, but I think that makes it harder for boys.

sugarfree · 21/06/2006 16:38

QE,I could have written your post,especially the bit about Dh and DS clashing.
Mine is 12.5 too and has also just started changing down below.
Mine can be the most thoughtful,funny,loving person on the planet and within 5 minutes is a snarling,grunting,slamming shouting mess.
Sound familiar?
I got a great book out of the libray for him on Monday,although I think I'm going to buy a copy as I have DS2 and 3 to get through it yet.
Hang on,I'll go and get the name of it....

sugarfree · 21/06/2006 16:48

"Everything you wanted to know about willies....and other boys' bits"
Tricia Kreitman,Dr Neil Simpson and Dr Rosemary Jones.

I've read it and tbh thereis stuff in there I'd rather DS didn't know til he's about 35,but I think that's part of not wanting to let go.Also,they're going to be picking things up on the tv and at school and I'd rather he got the facts,however unready I may feel.
Read it through first yourself (and DH?) and then see what you think.
DS is mortified that I asked for it by name at the library!!!

themoon66 · 21/06/2006 16:52

Yes. my DH and DS clash almost daily. DH is away with work this week and there is peace here at the moment. DS is more like his old self when its just me and him.

I think DH is too harsh and seems to look for excuses to have a go at DS over stupid things that don't really matter, like not emptying rubbish bins within 5 mins of being asked.

Maybe it's nature's way of getting boys out of the family home. I seem to think I read somewhere that male elephants and other animals start rejecting the younger males in the herd once they reach a certain age.

sugarfree · 21/06/2006 16:55

Have you any idea how relieved I am to know that it isn't just my house.
I thought it was just us having WW3 with me as Switzerland.

noddyholder · 21/06/2006 17:00

Oh no I could have written this I am going to show it to dp My ds is 12 and is like jekyll and hyde MOST of the time he is ok but gets really moody suddenly and then we all clash.He is an only child which doesn't help as I think all eyes are on him iyswim I will try and chill out wiith nagging him as Im prone to taht at times.Who'd be a teenager eh?

themoon66 · 21/06/2006 17:04

Sugarfree... its horrible isnt it? The atmosphere. I never know who to support, whose side to take. I know morally I should be seen to stand shoulder to shoulder with DH, but its difficult when I really think he is being a bit unfair.

DH also moans that DS never has a conversation with him. I suppose DS doesnt want to start one for fear it will end up in a row. DH is just sooo negative. I bet when he gets back after his week away, he will walk in the house and first thing he says to DS will be 'i bet you havent done the chores you were asked to do before I went away'. Negativity from the start. Then he wonders why his son doesnt strike up conversations with him [hits own head in dispair emoticon]

sugarfree · 21/06/2006 17:13

Is our husband a bigamist?

You's is exactly the same as mine.
I hate coming in from work (I only work every other weekend)because I know the atmosphere is like ly to be 'frosty'.Then I have to the judge and jury,it really is horrible.
This weeks argument is trainers.
We bought some for DS and Dh insisted that he throw out the old ones(they were falling apart) Ds goes off on one because he's got none to play out in and doesn't want to get the new ones ruined"'Cos he'll go on about it if I do!"
Dh goes off on one because "What is the point in buying new trainers if he won't bloody wear them!" "That's it!That's the last time I buy you anything!Ungrateful wretch!In my day blah blah blah!"
You can actually see Ds glazing over at 15 seconds.Then the "Look at me when I'm talking to you and take that look off your face" starts.
I have been reduced to tears by the pair of them on more than one occasion.

sunnydelight · 21/06/2006 18:04

This is such a relief for me as well. I came on to post something similar - DS1 is nearly 13 but I think a bit of a late developer (like his dad was!) and the moodiness has just started big time. We had our first major falling out last night because of his "attitude" and I feel like the atmosphere is still lingering. My DH is also similar to what a lot of you are saying and I am dreading the next few years - I might be a regular poster on this board soon!

themoon66 · 22/06/2006 10:13

sugarfree - that conversation about the trainers is exactly the same as one we've had about a pair of jeans.

Who's side did you take (if any)? To me it would have to be DS, who seems to be doing the sensible thing in keeping his new trainers/jeans for best. My DS just glazes over too. As soon as DH opens his mouth I start to feel that horrible knot in my tummy coz I know how it's all gonna end.... in a row, like every conversation.

Last night was lovely (which makes me sound like a horrible wife). DH was away in London working and my and DS had a lovely time. He came to the sports centre with me and we played badminton and had a swim. He was chatty and fun to be with. We picked up a takeaway pizza for a treat on the way home.

How can he be such a lovely kid with me and then switch over to grumpy kid when DH is around?

NomDePlume · 22/06/2006 10:15

QE - my ds1 is 14 and is snowed under by hormones atm. We DO have to make allowances for him. That doesn't mean it gets away with it when he pushes the envelope too far, but it does mean that we don't come down on him like a ton of bricks for every little thing.

NomDePlume · 22/06/2006 10:16

doesn't mean HE gets away with.... Got my mind on other things !

alexsmum · 22/06/2006 10:18

my mother in law talks about this.says my dh and his dad were exactly the same but she had a lovely relationship with my dh.it's like stags locking antlers! the alpha male is starting to feel threatened by the emergence ofthis new younger, stronger male!

i guess it's like teenage girls and their mums.my mum and i barely spoke without fighting when i was a teen.
thank god i've got boys! (for me anyway!)

stleger · 22/06/2006 10:26

What fun! My 14 year old has his friend sleeping over as I type. They veer between being grown up and being excited about seeing a circus elephant when they went to buy a pizza last night. I take mine out for lunch if we get time alone, the male clash with dad is dire. (And I don't get to see the 'nappy area' so hope all is well).

sugarfree · 22/06/2006 10:28

TheMoon,it was a bit late for me to be on anyones side as the trainers were thrown out while I was at work,so really Ds had no choice but to wear the new ones,but we will have a rerun in a month or so when Dh notices that the 'new' ones look old.

I get so worried that Ds will get to 16 and say "that's it,I'm off" and I won't see him because he won't want to come and visit because his relationship with his dad will be so bad.I want them to grow up and move out but I also want them all to come back with their partners and my 10 grandchildren.(without a load of glowering and atmosphere round the table.)

You are not a bad wife,you are a good mother,I think the instinct to protect our children is much stronger than the instinct to pander to a toddler strop from a supposedly grown man.
Sometimes I feel like screaming "FFS!You're the adult,act like one!"(There you go,that makes me a much worse wife than you,any way!)

This is so much harder than when they are little.

sugarfree · 22/06/2006 10:30

As an aside...I got to see the 'nappy area,up close last night,(and I was much more uncomfortable than Ds was)when I was called to see his athletes foot before he got in the bath.

My baby has pubes!!!!!

themoon66 · 22/06/2006 10:36

sugarfree - I have actually shouted at DH 'FGS, you are supposed to be the grown up'. It was just once, when I totally lost it and ended up storming out to take the dog for a walk.

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