Its all come to an end but all gone wrong..

[gabyjane]

I can't find my old post and haven't been on for some time but as some of you will know I had issues with dd (14) which escalated and have taken a turn.

Dd decided to run off to her stepdads and stay there after I found out she got drunk at a friends one night and the parent complained. He never made her come back or encouraged her to speak to me and she has been gone 4 months. I get a reply maybe if I text her but it's rare. the ex has complatley ignored me. Obviously more to it but too much to type in one post.

We have had issues with school and I got social services involved who cant help as we are still married.

My ex then applied for her child benefit which was authorised and I assume tax credits as we have an overpayment to deal with. To top it off he is now taking me to the CSA.

He started slating me on facebook and I have to say I maybe shouldn't but put a few home truths on there via a friedns page who let me as fed up of him looking like hes the good guy having 'given her a safe haven to live'?? I have had her taken away from me and have no leg to stand on. Of course all his friends replied saying I was a liar etc but im not going to retaliate and lower myself into an argument.

Its the end of the line and I seem to have lost my little girl because hes brainwashed her into thinking im some awful mother.

Hi gabyjane

You don't have 'no leg to stand on'. You're in a horrible situation but you need to control it - as best you can - not the other way round. Can you take deep breaths and make plans which don't involve you, as you rightly say, 'lowering yourself into an argument'.

Your DD is very young - you don't really know how she's getting on - and it's all too easy for an ex in these situations to exploit the fact that you aren't in (much) contact with her. I'd really avoid FB, as your instincts are telling you - I can't think anything good would come of that. Your ex slating you on FB is certainly not demonstrating responsible parenting.

Anyway, could you see a solicitor pdq? Perhaps taking a friend or family member with you. Time to be practical whilst still dealing, very clearly, with all the emotions that separation brings.

I wish you all the best - while you're dealing with this, try to take good care of yourself. Your dd needs a happy, healthy mother - she really does.

If you're still married how can he take you to CSA?

I would see a solicitor or at least a CBA.

And is it her father or stepfather she has run off to?

Are you in contact with her school?

If he's her stepfather and hasn't adopted her how does he have parental responsibility for her?
I think you need legal advice. it might not result in her coming back to live with you but at 14 I don't think she's in a position to know / decide what's in her best interests and "running off" to be with a man who's not her parent and has no legal status in relation to her may well not be. She might need you to fight for what you think is best for her.
Good luck.

Hi gaby. I'm sorry things have gone the way you did not want. You must be really hurting and upset.

This has been a long time coming. Your DD has wanted to go to live with her dad for about 9 months or more, hasn't she?

You're in a really difficult situation. You only have two 'choices', I think:

1. Do nothing. Accept your DD now lives with your ex and let whatever happens, happen.

2. Decide you want to change the situation. Seek help, including professional advice from the CAB or a solicitor and counselling for you. Learn to detach from the insults and learn to look after yourself. You desperately need practical help to sort out care, contact and financial support for your DD, and you even more desperately need emotional support, however this turns out - to deal with the stress of fighting to change things, or to deal with the grief of losing your daughter.

Doing nothing got you to this situation, gaby. And it isn't what you want, is it? So if you want something different, you are going to have to do things differently now.

In your previous posts, you were focussed on wanting your ex and your DD to change their behaviour, and on being frustrated and upset when they continued behaving in ways you didn't like. That was totally understandable, but it didn't work for you. You need to realise that you cannot change their behaviour, you can only change your own.

I think a good first step would be to see your GP asap, and ask for some counselling. There is something called CBT/cognitive behaviour therapy that might help you. One of my closest friends was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago, and went round in circles, and lost contact with her teenage kids for a while... Then CBT helped her change some of her responses, and now she has good relationships with them all again.

Good luck with it.

BTW, here are links to some of your past threads, if you want them:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1646340-Dont-know-what-to-do-for-the-best

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1735424-Feel-ive-come-right-back-down-with-a-bump

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1777329-Advice