Don't know what to do for the best..

(7 Posts)
gabyjane Sat 29-Dec-12 16:20:50

Will try not to waffle but cover what important.

I was with my husband for 12 years, he brought dd up most of that time with me but is not her B dad. in that time he i am pretty sure he cheated on me, went on dating sites and gambled. We got married very shortly after i found out about the gambling and knew ide done the wrong thing but life carried on but i knew he made me unhappy and i didnt trust him.

Jump to just over 2 years ago. I got together with a friends husband. I know awful person i am and have literally had all this time being reminded what a b*tch i am by dd. We didnt have an affair and neither of us cheated on either partner but of course dd doesnt believe this. i would never lie to her and am terribly sorry for what happened.

We are still together and i love him very much. Dd hates him and hasn't spoke to him in all this time. the only time she speaks to him is to swear. With me she has been very up and down and ok one min but not the next. Really unsure of how she is going to be from one hour to the next but have tried so very hard to split my time between both of them.

We had an episode a few months back where dd got too much and wanted to go and live with her stepdad, i said no but things escalated so much i said she could go, not permenantly but to see how things went. It was awful, she ran riot, did everything i dont let her do and my ex condoned it saying basically he didnt want to look like the bad guy. She would walk in the house to get clothes after i refused to take them round and shout 'you can go and f yourselves' and my ex would stand there and let her.

She came home after 3 weeks after he got social services involved. they assessed us all and told us all inc her that she was being a spoilt madam and despite what has happened she has 2 lovely houses and 2 loving parents and there was nothing they found wrong.

Jump to this week and its all spiralled again because shes spent a couple of days with him and got what she wants and has gone on the mission of wanting to leave again. She says she hates me and will never speak to me when im older if i dont let her. My ex doesnt want her to live with him but wont tell her that to her face. he has a g/f one of many and my dd thinks she is amazing and wants her to be her mum.

This morning i have let her go out for the day. I have no idea where, who with but shes due back at 6. My ex has taken her sim as she ran it up so high so am trusting her to come home on time. She has stolen in the past, lies and its a constant battle for anyone of us to get on.

Just venting and have spoke to many friends, councillors who dont really know the answer..all i keep getting is 'shes being a madam'..

Help..should i let her do what she does at her step dads or carry on with this awful life we have?

Ineedmorepatience Sat 29-Dec-12 17:16:44

You dont say how old she is gaby and that would have a big impact on how I would answer your thread.

I didnt want to read and run though cos it sounds like you are having a really tough time.

lunar1 Sat 29-Dec-12 17:23:26

Are you living with your friends husband? Does he have children?

gabyjane Sat 29-Dec-12 17:28:59

Shes 14 and yes i am and have been for the last 2 years. Yes he has 2.

lunar1 Sat 29-Dec-12 17:45:24

I'm sorry if this is harsh op but you dd doesn't sound like she has a happy life, she is on her third father!

Could you not get a small place just the 2 of you and concentrate in her for the rest of her childhood. You seem to be dragging her round your chaotic life.

flow4 Sun 30-Dec-12 22:10:15

lunar, two partners in 14 years is not by any stretch of the imagination a 'chaotic life'. hmm biscuit

gaby, lots of kids go through a phase of 'hating' one or both of their parents. When there is healthy parenting going on, the two parents back each other up - or at least resist any undermining - even if they are separated. So if/when a DC says "I hate mum - I want to come and live with you, daddy" (or vice versa), a sensible parent recognises when it's anger not hatred, and knows that it does not help a child or teenager at all to run away from conflict, rather than sort it out.

However, problems arise when there is an angry, vengeful, childish or weak ExP - i.e. one who wants to get the child to think they are the 'good guy', or who tries to use the DC to hurt the other parent. It sounds to me like your ExH is like this, though it's not clear whether he's deliberately playing games, or just a bit useless. Your DD risks bouncing backwards and forwards between you, emotionally and literally, if Ex encourages/indulges her whenever she falls out with you, and sends her back when he's had enough.

You need to try your hardest to be 'the grown up', even if your ExH is playing games. If possible, I think you should try to talk to him and ask for him to be more consistent, and to back you up. Though I do know that conversations with ExPs are often very difficult/impossible.

Most importantly, you need to be clear and consistent with your DD. Try not to take it personally when she says she hates you, because she doesn't - she's (just) angry, and it will pass. When she says things like "I hate you and I want to go and live with stepdad", try to respond in a calm neutral way with something like "Oh dear, that's tricky, because I love you, and you're living with me. We'll just have to work things out the best we can". grin

By the way, kids do not need their mums to put their lives on hold and devote themselves to their sole care (however much they may think they do!) In fact, if your new(ish) relationship is a good one, you will be going your DD a favour in the long run, by showing her what a happy, healthy and loving relationship is like... It will just take time for her to realise this - two years is still not very long...

Tbh, her behaviour sounds quite 'normally awful', if you see what I mean! A lot of teenagers that age just are horrible! Nothing you describe makes me think she is more unhappy than most or struggling worse than most - but you will find it harder to deal with, I think, because it sounds like you have no support or back-up.

You may find this thread useful and supportive... I bet everyone here has had their teen say they hate them, and worse! smile

gabyjane Wed 02-Jan-13 08:07:42

Lunar. Her dad left me when she was literally weeks old and 6 months down the line i met my ex husband who i had known for years. We were together for 12 years and hes brought dd up all that time although not done as much as ide have liked she sees him as her dad. My current partner i didnt live with for 6 months either but knew him for years before and he is a lovely bloke. there were many reasons i didnt stay with my ex and like the next poster has put hopefully dd will realise she has a better life in time. I was 19 when i met my ex and am now 33 so dont think shes had a manic unstable life as such. Both my current partner and i offered to split so i could bring her up on my own as such and she said no so?

Flow 4 thanks. yes you have hit the nail on the head. All my friends and family know him and can see what hes doing, dd thinks hes just being 'nice' and cant see it at all and its very hard or me to not snap but have learnt to deal with it better. he talks about me a lot infront of her which is a no no as she feels it is ok to do the same when home and be horrible to me.Like i said he got social services involved due to her behaviou. They sat him down and told him and dd that she was being a spoilt brat, that he was weak and he needed to pull his weight and back me up. he did it all for a couple of weeks but slowly the games have stated again. i have started a new years resolution to change things and we have things set in place that is hopefully working and things have calmed down a bit..we will see!

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