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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Daughter and wife in physical fight - what to do?

185 replies

northernDad38 · 15/08/2013 22:12

My 13 yr old daughter is really pushing boundaries at the moment, all the usual smirking and cheeky answers etc. But today which was meant to be a family day began with her refusing to put her shoes on. It sounds silly but it just got more and more antagonistic.

I managed to make peace with her and she helped me in the garden for a an hour or so.

But before we went out an argument about clothes with her mother got so out of hand I had to physically step in and pull them apart as her mum was actually trying to throttle her.

They both said appalling things which neither really mean and they spent the rest of the afternoon apart, and things have calmed down now but U'm just so shaken and upset by what happened I just don't want anything like this to happen again...

OP posts:

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OrmirianResurgam · 16/08/2013 11:52

periodmath - sorry but she IS the baddie. I suffer from depression and can get severe mood swings but I would never do this at my worst. It's not OK and no amount of 'pushing' makes this an acceptable response.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 11:53

OP you said your wife is under treatment for severe emotional issues, has she ever allowed you to go with her for treatment?

I'm wondering if she's told the person giving the treatment, that she's been violent towards you?

So your 13yr old DD is her second victim.

I wonder if your 2.5 year old DD has also been a victim?

Can you guarantee that she hasn't?

mignonette · 16/08/2013 11:55

Worral Yes an aggressive post in a hysterical highly dramatic !!! tone is representative of personality traits. I never said it was comparable. You surmised that (inaccurately). What I said was that I would be less inclined to trust the advice of somebody who posted in a hysterical or aggressive manner.

Simple, really.

HighJinx · 16/08/2013 11:57

The other to bear in mind is that DV often escalates.

The fact that already your DW is showing less remorse and refusing to allow you to go to the doctor with her says to me that in her head she is feels like she is back in control so everything is ok. She has put it down to the heat of the moment when your DD was winding her up. This is not helpful to recovery. She MUST take full responsibility for and ownership of her actions.

mignonette · 16/08/2013 12:05

HighJinx

Exactly. That is good advice. NorthernDad Sounds like your wife has already made a trip to the 'Great Editing Suite' in her head and has re-worked the incident into something she feels comfortable about living with. Please be the spanner in the works to prevent her from doing this.

And please take the time to speak to your daughter asap as now some hours have passed she may well want to talk about this but nor know how to approach it or what to say. Give her somewhere safe to be sullen, angry and obstreperous and she will then calm and hopefully talk more openly. Keep trying no matter how often she may push you away. They remember and value persistence and steadfastness. You need to also make it clear that what she says to you will go no further. Not to her Mother. Don' cross pollinate conversation wise.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:16

YY mignonette of course typing in a hysterical highly dramatic !!! tone is representative of personality traits.

If you see anyone switch their caps lock on, be sure to ring social services, won't you? >

I agree with HighJinx in that she must take responsibility for her actions.

The fact that the two people she's been violent to have been family members, who are unlikely to call the Police has done her no favours.

If they had been two members of the public, she probably would have been up in court both times and forced to take responsibility.

Please don't continue to enable her abuse of you and your DD.

mignonette · 16/08/2013 12:21

Think you are being dramatic now Worr. Of course what you say, write and the manner in which you write it is indicative of personality. Not the whole picture but definitely indicative. As for SS, I'm not the one calling for the police/social services/SAS etc to be called immediately before anything else is done.

I was referring to the credibility of advice based upon the tone of its writing. Perfectly reasonable. If I was to write up my case notes with !!! after every sentence, eyebrows would be raised. If I offered written advice in that manner of writing, it would look less credible. Not a hard one to work out. Think you are being deliberately obtuse.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:28

You're being silly mignonette

Basically you didn't like what some posters were saying so you chose to try to discredit them, by childishly trying to compare their typing style to their personality...hinting that you suspect they loose their cool with their children due to overuse of !!!!! etc.

Now, I really don't think this conversation is helping the OP with his problem do you?

Therefore I'm not going to engage with you again until you drop this nonsense and move on...back to discussing the OP and his predicament.

mignonette · 16/08/2013 12:35

Of course we disagree with what some posters say. But it is the breathless dramatic tone of some posters that bugs on some threads like this. I don't have a problem with what is said per se, rather the tone. But still, I can't argue with stupid. If you are unable to comprehend what I actually said, then that's your problem.

And I have offered the OP plenty of asistance and am willing to go PM to provide more specialised assistance with navigating the system particular to his region if I can. Just as I do with a lot of other posters when needed.

HighJinx · 16/08/2013 12:44

Are you and your DD ok OP?

Libertine73 · 16/08/2013 12:45

Thing is though, it's sometimes hard to get the right tone over on the net isn't it? Just because they are posting !! doesn't mean they are hysterical does it?

anyway......

northernDad38 · 16/08/2013 13:33

I already had today booked off work to spend some proper time with my DD while my younger DD was at nursery.

Have tried to talk to DD a few times today but she really isn't interested in talking, and not in a to-scared-to-talk way but genuinely not-bothered. Although she did take notice when i said i would listen to anything she had to say if she did want to talk

And my DW was on the phone earlier and seems bright and cheerful as ever. She has been on prescription anti-depression medication since the birth of my younger DD, the GP said it wasn't Post-natal but i suspect otherwise. i should say that these mercifully rare aggressive parts of my DW's personality are the flipside of someone who's terrific fun and deeply passionate about many other normal things. Again, not an excuse, but I'd not want to give the impression that my DW is mean and aggressive 24/7.

So the TLDR version is that my DW and my DD want to move on BUT as I do not have mental-editing-suite I'm left with the horrible memory of what happened yesterday.

So what now?

OP posts:

Libertine73 · 16/08/2013 13:37

She needs to go to the GP, with you. Your DD may want to move on, your DW probably does too, but the fact is, this could happen again, and the fact she's cheerful after what happened is a bit worrying, put your foot down I'd say, I know it must be hard, but this really can't be swept under the carpet.

what does she say when you ask her if she would ever hurt the 2 yr old? Bet she would be horrified you even suggested it, but it's a real possibility, weather she wants to admit it or not.

thornrose · 16/08/2013 14:04

If I were you I think I would say to dd "I need to talk to you about what happened with mum."

I would really want to know how she feels about it! I would also like her to know that it wasn't going to be brushed under the carpet in any way.

mignonette · 16/08/2013 14:14

This is an illusion of moving on. Please get your wife to have her treatment plan reviewed and get Mental Health input. A GP may not be the answer here as they mean well but have very little specialist Mental health knowledge. Once it goes beyond first line treatment (i.e one lot of antidepressants without any other treatment), it is time to involve others.

Maybe your wife has at the back of the mind, worries that engaging further with this will bring upon her the wrath of social services. Trouble is if she does nothing and this happens again and your daughter confides in say a teacher, you may find them on your doorstep anyway. And it'll look worse. Seek advice from the organisations I listed above. You can remain anonymous.

When a parent suddenly flips like this it can be worse than when they are mean 24/7. A child with permanently or mostly mean parent (s) can 'gird their loins' so to speak and keep watchful all the time. They are very much damaged for sure but they can protect themselves to some extent. However when it is rare but very violent, it is harder to predict and therefore can be just as traumatic.

You need to get advice and support for yourself too. A space for you to talk Northern about how it affects you.

mignonette · 16/08/2013 14:15

And It is clear that you do love your wife too and do not want your family to be fractured. Please, please seek advice for yourself.

TheFallenNinja · 16/08/2013 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

thornrose · 16/08/2013 14:51

Wind up? Why?

AdoraBell · 16/08/2013 15:29

If she won't allow you to attend with her then you really need to see the GP yourself because the likelihood is that she'll gloss things over. Out of interest, does she lash out at you in public, or when you have family visiting, or at your/her parent's homes?

Libertine73 · 16/08/2013 15:38

Ninja Now why would you say that?

HighJinx · 16/08/2013 15:40

Yes Ninja why do you think that?

mignonette · 16/08/2013 15:46

I can assure you within reason that this is not a wind up. OP appears genuine and congruous.

Libertine73 · 16/08/2013 15:48

You should report if that's what you think, you're breaking talk guidelines and getting on my tits

northernDad38 · 16/08/2013 15:53

My DW does call me out in public, and before yesterday I would've put it down to usual couples verbal jousting. But having though through a few things it's always her calling me and raising the stakes to point where I can't continue the discussion or where to continue would be letting it slide into juvenile name calling.

Not much fun being called "Horrible Man" in a crowded shopping arcade.

OP posts:

HighJinx · 16/08/2013 15:55

Do you think your DW wants to get better?

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