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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pressure on teenage girls when it comes to boys

48 replies

witchofmiddx · 13/08/2013 19:02

My dd will be 16 in Sept. A number of girls in her crowd have 'done' things with boys (obv not the deed tho). Turns out my dd has gone far beyond kissing. I tried to explain to her not to feel pressurised by a boy, or indeed by her girlfriends, to 'keep up' with the others. I told her that if she develops a loving relationship with a boy, and genuinely WANTS to take things further, that's another thing. I also told her to have some self respect. This might make me seem prudish but I just think it's so sad the way girls feel under pressure. I know it's about self esteem & having the confidence to say no. Her dad & I are divorced, he has never given her any time, and I wonder if this has affected her confidence. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/08/2013 16:49

It was my niece's mother (her bio mother) who was raped. So far, my niece's life has been uneventful. She is a lovely young woman, now in university and enjoying life. Her bio mother (I hear) went on to become a doctor. Hats off to her.

Fairyliz · 15/08/2013 21:30

Its not that my daughters don't want sex, its just that they want a relationship as well. You know talking and going out for a drink/cinema etc.
They say boys meet you at a party talk for ten minutes and then rather than a bit of snogging expect a hand/blow job. They then ignore you for the rest of the evening. Not something they really want to do and not a lot in it for them.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2013 22:26

Who are the parents of these boys I wonder.

MrsMongoose · 15/08/2013 22:37

Buy fairyliz... That's your daughters. Not all girls. It's great that they make that choice, but it shouldn't be assumed that that choice is a universal one for anyone with a vagina.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2013 22:48

The choice not to be used for basically wanking off a boy? I don't know many girls who would see giving a hand or blow job to some boy without even being sure the boy had heard their name properly as a nice way to spend an evening. I know my own DDs are very at that sort of expectation.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2013 22:48

And in the case of some boys, they have a very exalted notion of what they are entitled to expect.

flow4 · 16/08/2013 01:06

I am the mother of boys aged 13 and 18. From what I've seen of their lives and their friends, at 13, 14 and 15 at least, the girls call the shots. They are physically and emotionally more mature by a year or two, and are thinking about sex while the boys are still thinking about football and ps3 games.

My eldest tells me he lost his virginity at 15, with a 16yo girl. He hasn't had a regular 'girlfriend' since he was 15, although he would like one; and he tells me that most of the sex he has had has been casual, because that's all he can get. Girls 16+ choose older boys or men, and it would be "just wrong" (his words) at his age for him to go out with a girl under 16. He ended his one-and-only relationship, when he was 15 and going out with a 14 yo girl, because she was pressing him to have sex, and had planned their family - right down to their children's names!

My youngest has his first girlfriend. Her parents are very keen (for example have invited him on holiday with them) while I worry about the whole notion of them having girlfriends/boyfriends at that age.

One of the things I worry about is the demonisation of boys. At this age, most of them are just kids, not sexual predators.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 03:07

If your son is interested in a girlfriend to have a sexual relationship with then all he is going to attract is girls who want sex. If he cooled his engines a bit and decided to be friends (without benefits) with girls, or one girl in particular, then my guess is he would end up with a real relationship.

PeriodMath · 16/08/2013 03:24

mathanxiety, do you only have daughters? I find your generalisations about teenage boys pretty offensive. Perhaps your daughters should cool their party engines and find some decent friends.

PeriodMath · 16/08/2013 03:26

Ah, re-read thread, I see that you are indeed a SMOG. Figures.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 04:03

I have a 20 year old DS.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 04:14

SMOG?

icepole · 16/08/2013 04:21

I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and then raped at 20 and I am dreading all this. I never wanted s girl because I knew how terrified I would be about keeping her safe. She's only 2 so a bit to go yet thankfully.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 04:23

Further to my post for FLow -- girls who do not want sex in a relationship right from the start will often steer clear of a boy who is known to have had sex with girls he has dated or who has casual sex. Word gets around about who has done what.

There is a bit of a contradiction between your DS having casual sex because that's all he can get and his idea that he would like a steady girlfriend and real relationship therefore.

Let me guess PeriodMath -- single mother of girls?

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 04:41

I don't think I generalised on this thread, PeriodMath except here - 'And in the case of some boys, they have a very exalted notion of what they are entitled to expect.'

I am thinking of some particular boys known to my DDs and my DS as entitled and callous characters when it comes to girls.

Do you think no boys have any sense of entitlement? Do you think there are no boys who treat girls callously?

I do not have such an exalted notion of girls. My advice to my daughters about protecting themselves is based on common sense. My advice to my DS likewise. Come home if parties are getting out of hand. Look out for your friends. Intervene if you see someone hurting someone else. Is that offensive? If you live in some sort of lala land where nobody ever gets hurt then maybe so, but if you live in the real world you give advice about self protection and protection of others because there are bad apples out there and it only takes one to do a lot of damage.

nooka · 16/08/2013 04:48

I would guess instead 'smug'. Which seems a bit odd to me as I've often found parenting dd harder than ds. Her social life is so much more complicated! My two are 14 and nearly 13, and haven't really dabbled much with dating yet, but dd was most irritated with her older friend (coming up to 16) who visited today and was telling her all about how she now had a 'life' as boys fancied her. dd felt that she was being told that until boys fancied her she was pretty much marking time.

I tell both my children on a regular basis that they should only do things that they enjoy because they want to and if the other person is obviously enjoying it too. Same message to both of them, generally at the same time. Mumsnet threads are great for initiating conversations! I'd rather they didn't have sex until they are much much older, but so long as it's a good experience for them then really it's not my business.

I certainly remember feeling pressured to have sexual relationships in my late teens, but as a tall child I didn't really find any suitable boyfriend material until I hit university

Of course most boys are lovely and look out for each other and their girl friends too, but some are not (as with girls of course) there are a lot of very shitty attitudes out there and the result is that some girls are undoubtedly treated as sex objects and get caught up in very damaging situations.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 04:57

I think as someone posted upthread that girl peer groups can put more pressure on girls than boys do. They police their members more ruthlessly and do not tolerate deviation from the party line or shows of individuality/ independent judgement. Making sure there are positive people in daughters' lives is important.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2013 05:38

'Smug mother of girls'?

No generalising going on there then...

GraduallyGoingInsane · 16/08/2013 11:01

I really doubt that the majority of parties involve boys demanding sexual favours then walking away. I have teenage DDs, and I've met the boys in their groups, some of whom they've known since early childhood. They're nice kids, and I just don't buy the fact that they've all turned into sexual predators coercing girls into sex as soon as they hit their teens.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but are one of two bad eggs spoiling the reputation of the vast majority I wonder?

As I said above, my DDs go to parties, and I don't doubt that things go on that I wouldn't approve of. My understanding is that is predominantly experimenting with 'friends with benefits', couples pushing the boundaries, new couples getting together and maybe one off encounters that were probably mutually agreed upon at the time.

I totally agree with those who say that the girls put much more pressure on each other. Whenever we have had a mixed group over, the boys seem happy to kick footballs around, play on games, play fight etc. The girls may primp and preen, but so that other girls say they look pretty. It still seems to be much more about making their own gender like them to be honest!

Fairyliz · 16/08/2013 12:02

Just read the article about Chris Fountain who seems like an ordinary boy! Not saying all boys are like this but the glorification of rape/sexual violence does seem to be getting worse. At its mildest from my daughter experience boys expect sex on a first date and if you don't 'give out' then they are not interested in a second date.

What do we do? I fear for my daughters

flow4 · 16/08/2013 21:38

Hear hear, Gradually.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2013 01:22

No, depending on the sort of circles your children move in, the vast majority of people they meet are going to be nice.

The primping and preening is done in order not to be cast out, because the outcast doesn't have the protection of the group if out with other groups, or the approval of a group that tells others you are normal/ not weird/ a young woman capable of getting along with her female community (this harks back to cave man times imo) or the invitation extended to the group for socialising. Being cast out of a group is a form of social murder that in times past would have reduced your chances of finding a partner who would do the hunting while you did the gathering.

dontchajustlovem · 17/08/2013 11:03

thinking about your original post witchofmiddx, i don't think it makes much difference about your exe's lack of input. in my experience, a previously hands-on loving dad can find himself completely out of his depth with teen girls and his way of dealing with things is to bury his head in the sand. do others find this is creating problems with their partners? i really resent having to deal with it by myself - it's felt like the loneliest part of parenting.

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