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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Pressure on teenage girls when it comes to boys

48 replies

witchofmiddx · 13/08/2013 19:02

My dd will be 16 in Sept. A number of girls in her crowd have 'done' things with boys (obv not the deed tho). Turns out my dd has gone far beyond kissing. I tried to explain to her not to feel pressurised by a boy, or indeed by her girlfriends, to 'keep up' with the others. I told her that if she develops a loving relationship with a boy, and genuinely WANTS to take things further, that's another thing. I also told her to have some self respect. This might make me seem prudish but I just think it's so sad the way girls feel under pressure. I know it's about self esteem & having the confidence to say no. Her dad & I are divorced, he has never given her any time, and I wonder if this has affected her confidence. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MrsMongoose · 13/08/2013 21:38

obv not the deed tho

I wouldn't be so sure, many have sex much younger. Don't just assume because YOU think they are too young. 15 year olds do not think this.

You say yourself that your DD has gone beyond just kissing.

Whilst pressure is an element - there is also a lot of slut shaming. Many girls avoid sexual contact because they want to avoid a reputation. It would seem as though you can't win - you are a slut in the girls eyes, or a prude in the boys eyes.

It is your job as a mother to teach her to ignore both influences, and do what makes her happy - whether that be sex and abstinence... or somewhere in the middle.

I also disagree with your point on self respect - a girl who has had multiple sexual partners doesn't automatically lack self respect, and having sex isn't shameful. A person who lacks self respect is a person who is doing things that don't make them happy. A woman can have casual sex and be perfectly happy - and have self respect from having good, consensual, safe sex.

Likewise, please move away from the idea that girls ONLY have sexual contact because of pressure. Girls have sex because they enjoy it too.

Please make an effort to give your dd the choice - and provide her with contraception.

witchofmiddx · 13/08/2013 23:07

Thanks mrs m for your reply. Teaching her to ignore the influences of her peers is easier said than done as they count for so much at this age where they seem to know it all.

I do think that at 15 although physically adult, they lack the maturity to deal with a sexual relationship (nevermind multiple ones). In my case, my dd initiated the conversation where she told me she feels nowhere near ready to have sex.

I did not say that having sex is shameful, but would you seriously be happy with your 15 yr dd having multiple sexual partners? Really? I have told mine that when she is in a loving relationship and feels that she WANTS to have sex as yes, sex is enjoyable, I would happily put her on the pill.

You say a person who lacks self respect is a person doing things that don't make them happy; but my point is that if they are having sex for the wrong reasons ie pressure/ lack of confidence, is sleeping around really going to make them happy? A woman can have casual sex and be happy, yes, but a 15yo is in my opinion not a woman, however grown up they think they are.

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Bowlersarm · 13/08/2013 23:21

OP I have boys not girls but they do talk to me very openly.

I think you may be right in thinking that girls might be pressurised into sex, but I would say as much from what their friends are up to, rather than, or in addition to any pressure from any boys themselves.

I seem to be always counselling DS1 at the moment because the girls often seem to have the upper hand in his relationships. There are some strong minded girls out there dictating terms. The same can be said of his friends and their girlfriends.

From what my DSes tell me many of their 15 year old (and younger) females friends are having sex, and have had several sexual partners.

Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear.

witchofmiddx · 13/08/2013 23:33

Thanks Bowlersarm, I so agree with pressure coming from what their friends are up to. How great that your ds confides in you..I hope mine will too at that age.

We are going on a cruise next week, loads of dd's friends will be there, they all end up in eachother's cabins falling into bed at silly o'clock.. so i can look forward to worrying about exactly where she is!!

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 13/08/2013 23:44

The cruise sounds great fun.

Fwiw I think 15 is the very worse age for teens from a parental point of view because they are very young and very vulnerable. It gets easier when they are a bit older. DS1 is 17 now and I do feel more relaxed about the teen sex thing. DS2 is 15 but thankfully not interested in girls yet, apart from as friends.

Just keep the lines of communication open, and talk a lot. She'll be fine.

cory · 14/08/2013 00:14

I would be a little careful about that point about self respect.

As an adult, I can hear that you mean "if you don't want to have sex, self respect will help you not to be pressurised into it"
(or indeed into anything else you don't want- including chastity Wink).

But she might hear: "girls who have sex have no self respect". And from there it is only a short step to "girls who have sex deserve no respect".

witchofmiddx · 14/08/2013 08:16

Yes 15 is the very worst age, everything seems to be about image. If I don't wear the 'right' clothes when her friends are round she is mortified..

Cory I see you have a point. It's so hard to know what to say, and sometimes it just comes out all wrong! I still very much hope she waits with sex till she's in a relationship.. and not for some time hopefully!

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rubyrubyruby · 14/08/2013 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witchofmiddx · 14/08/2013 09:37

3 Ruby?!! I'm on my way to my Tinter this morn to cover my grey..I just can't imagine

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Fairyliz · 14/08/2013 21:34

As the mother of girls aged 16 and 19 this terrifies me! My oldest daughter did have a boyfriend she slept with but it seems most boys are not interested in having a girlfriend, just 'hooking up' with girls and having one night stands.
Whatever anyone says I am not sure that this is what girls or women really want. Sex as part of a caring relationship yes, but these seems sad.
Most of my 19 year olds friends have never had a boyfriend.

rubyrubyruby · 14/08/2013 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witchofmiddx · 14/08/2013 23:04

That's exactly my point Fairyliz- it's one thing having sex in a caring relationship but loads of one night stands? Not on your nellie. I would hope by 19 though that boys wanted a relationship. I'll just have to chain her to the desk till she's older then...

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PeriodMath · 14/08/2013 23:15

I really don't like the suggestion that girls only have sex early because boys pressure them into it.

It's the 21st century. Teens are (sadly) very sexually aware and a 15 yr old girl is just as likely to want to take it to the next stage as a 15 yr old boy.

MrsMongoose · 15/08/2013 00:55

The view that girls don't want one night stands too is so draconian! Just because YOU don't, doesn't give you any right to speak for all women!

VenusRising · 15/08/2013 01:22

Make sure she knows how to put on a condom, and how to avoid stds, including herpes / cold sores.
Fwiw, saying have some self respect, means diddly squib to most people- do you know what it means practically in your life?

Far better to say that whatever she chooses to do is ok, and if she chooses not to do anything with a boy, then he would be wrong to insist, and she should shame him publically as a pushy bastard! And if she chooses to go ahead, and then changes her mind, that she is right not to feel like she has to go through with it as she previously agreed. You can change your mind.

If she chooses to have sex, make sure she knows that she can have sex in a safe place, like her own bedroom. It's important to let them have sex in their own bedrooms, otherwise they can feel pressurised to having sex in a car, or in an unsafe location, where they are at risk of being pressurised into doing something they aren't happy with, because they need a lift home.

Alcohol is the biggest threat to teenage girls - so many girls are raped because of boys getting them drunk on alcohol, and raping them.
There is a certain cynicism shown by boys in house parties of getting the girls legless and shagging them. This is rape.
Make sure she knows what the alcohol limit of drinks like alcopops and not to drink anything she's suspicious of. Tell her not to leave her drink down on a table, and to get new drinks if they are up dancing and have all left the table etc.

These are good lessons to learn, even at 15.

PeriodMath · 15/08/2013 01:50

Goodness, Venus, your post is so ott and actually insulting to the vast majority of teenage boys - and girls for that matter.

Nasty, cynical, rapey boys everywhere!

mathanxiety · 15/08/2013 05:39

Not necessarily everywhere PeriodMath (and hello to a fellow Math person), but I have a 20 yo niece who was born because her bio mother was plied with drink at a party by boys who proceeded to rape her. None of the boys would admit anything of course, when paternity testing time came around, and it was before the age of putting videos of such crimes on the internet (that happens with depressing regularity now) but she found out what had been done and by whom via the grapevine in the weeks following the rape.

She dropped the idea of finding out who the baby's father was when many of the boys' families hired expensive lawyers. It was not one bit nice to be gossiped about as if she was the one who had done everything wrong that night, or to be pretty much accused by hot shot lawyers of being a gold digger who had deliberately got pregnant just to secure a meal ticket for herself for the next 18 years.

It was a tight knit community and the boys mostly came from an exclusive boys' school, and nobody wanted to make things too difficult for bright young men with promising futures ahead of them Angry. Instead, a teenage girl went through pregnancy and bore a baby she never intended having, and gave her up for adoption so she could get on with her life and studies at third level, all the while having her name dragged through the dirt and dealing with the sneers of plenty of community members. I know all of this because my SIL and BIL who adopted my niece (an open adoption) shared it, in horror. This is not necessarily going to happen in every case of course, but parents of girls would be incredibly naive not to think their daughters are in many cases like lambs to the slaughter when they go to a party.

I have four girls, aged 12, 15, 18 and 23. I have always advised them to watch out very carefully if drinking, to stick with their friends, to take care of their friends and not leave them alone, to call me for a no questions asked rescue from any party anywhere, any time, and for any number of people who want to leave. I have lectured DS (now 20) endlessly about his responsibility towards others and that he needs to intervene if someone is in danger of becoming victimised. So far I have managed to get them all through teenagerhood fairly unscathed but I am lucky enough to live in a community where there are opportunities for teens to participate in all sorts of positive activities and the culture frowns on teens hanging around outdoors together; it's a much more family and education-orientated culture than you see in many parts of the UK. But even so my lectures are necessary and I strongly suspect I haven't heard the half of what went on in their social lives.

You won't necessarily stop herpes or HPV with a condom.

TheRealFellatio · 15/08/2013 06:29

A number of girls in her crowd have 'done' things with boys (obv not the deed tho).

There's nothing obvious about it. She'll pulling the wool over your eyes. At almost 16 I'd be amazed if she does not have lots of friends and acquaintances who are already fully sexually active. You sound very naive.

TheRealFellatio · 15/08/2013 06:32

A number of girls in her crowd have 'done' things with boys (obv not the deed tho).

There's nothing obvious about it. She'll pulling the wool over your eyes. At almost 16 I'd be amazed if she does not have lots of friends and acquaintances who are already fully sexually active. You sound very naive.

bigTillyMint · 15/08/2013 08:59

What if they have/haven't done the deed? Hand jobs and blow jobs seem to be much more freely given than at that age in my day. Are they "better" or less demeaning or intimate or what than dtd?

Agree with all other posters who say that it is key to help your DD feel confident enough to do only what she wants to and not feel pressured by peers in any way. And also to be careful around drinking at parties as drink makes you feel less inhibited - its not just a question of boys forcing girls - they may feel differently about sex if they have been drinking.

LeGavrOrf · 15/08/2013 09:27

Jesus Christ mathanxiety about your poor, poor niece. What an utterly terrible thing to have happened. And for her to carry that burden of shame. Bloody hell.

It is a huge worry, and you are right 15 is a very odd age. I have been very lucky indeed that until recently dd loathed the taste of alcohol, so I didn't have that worry, and now she is 17 I am OK with her having a few drinks at a party (not that she does as she is one of the few kids in her friendship group with a car so she is always designated driver). Also she is rather geeky and so are her mates, I haven't had the worry of her wanting to dress a certain way to impress friends or boys.

She has had a boyfriend for 3 years, and he has been staying over for about 18 months or so. So we had the whole sex and contraception talk when she was about 15, and I did say that she could talk to ,e about anything and I promised I wouldn't blow my top. The main thing I wanted her to do was to not feel pressured into doing anything she didn't want to, and she could always, always say no.

LeGavrOrf · 15/08/2013 09:29

It's not just drink to worry about, legal highs as well. Just before Mcat was banned there were bloody loads of kids taking it, and it still goes on now. I have always been far more worried about dd getting into weed than drinking, I would be really worried if she smoked that.

AllDirections · 15/08/2013 09:35

to call me for a no questions asked rescue from any party anywhere, any time, and for any number of people who want to leave

This is what I'll be telling my DDs

Viking1 · 15/08/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraduallyGoingInsane · 15/08/2013 15:19

I wouldn't be so sure either that they haven't done the deed. From what my DDs have said, it tends to be a reasonably quick progression from 'messing around' to sex.

I'd also be aware that teens are sneaky beings. I'm pretty sure DD2 hasn't had sex, but I suspect DD1 probably has (she's almost 17). DD1 has had a boyfriend for a fair while, i know she drinks at parties, she's in with quite an 'old for their age' crowd and they've had opportunities when both me and DH were at work. Neither of them would tell me, and I have no desire to ask directly! If DD2 has, I'd be surprised as she's quite shy and has only recently had a boyfriend. I wouldn't totally put it past the bounds of probability though. I'm not going to contemplate DD3 and DD4 having had sex as they're 10 and just 13.

I've also always said they could call at any time and I'd come and get them - we even have a 'code word' for help if they can't call and ask me to get them without losing face. DD1 has called in the past - she had gone into town from a house party, everyone was very drunk and trying to get into night clubs and bars, and she was concerned that drugs were floating round the group. I was horrified - she'd lied about just about everything to do with the night, from planning to go into town rather than stay at the party to what she was wearing to having drunk alcohol. I'd always said there would be no consequences to a rescue, so I had to stick to my word and swallow my disappointment.

I agree with Viking though, once the initial shock had worn off I was very proud and very smug that she'd called and got herself out of what was turning into a very risky situation.

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