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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

almost thirteen and stealing from us

38 replies

Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 21:07

For the second time now, when we've witheld some pocket money from dd1 to make up for items she's not properly cared for she's stolen money. The first time was from her sister last year. We confronted her, made her repay it and apologise and lectured about trust etc. She is convinced I pick on her and am nicer to younger dd. I think younger dd actually has better money management skills and greater self awareness, not that she doesn't have her moments.
I'd hoped it was over but now she's done it again. £5 from my purse this time. The stakes a quite high as we're about to have our first european holiday as a family. Dh and I are stressed about covering the cost and she's desperately excited and wants to make the most of it. I did say she could cover the damage over three months so she still has some spending money.

She genuinely believes I'm unfair and appeals to her father that I'm a wicked witch when he's not looking. I'm at the point of fantasizing about opening her skull with a tin-opener and scrubbing these notions from the folds of her cerebral cortex with a cotton bud...and I have infinate patience with the autistic children I work with and their fixed ideas. HELP

OP posts:
anna891 · 08/08/2013 21:40

Items she's not properly cared for, like what exactly?
Most thirteen year olds are a bit scatty, cut her some slack shes a kid!
No good having infinite patience at work then being ratty with your own child.
Charity begins at home.

Bproud · 08/08/2013 21:50

Do you know what she spent the money on?

Could you give her opportunities to 'earn' extra cash or pay back what she owes if you genuinely feel she has to pay for damages or losses she has incurred, by doing useful chores for you? I agree with anna891 though, you have to expect a certain level of lost and damaged items at this age.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2013 21:53

What's the item she has damaged and what's the amount of spending she gets? How much have you taken off her?

Obviously stealing is never acceptable but I think you could potentially create a situation where a child might be tempted if you are very mean and/or severe.

PearlyWhites · 08/08/2013 22:04

I find your post quite disturbing op opening your dd skull with a tin opener??
How much pocket money does your dd get btw if it would need to spread out over three months for five pounds.
If your dd is not deliberately breaking things I think you ate very unfair.

Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:10

Last year she wore a new pair of white jeans to a craft workshop and got fabric paint on them. (She wasn't supposed to wear them but weedled her way around Grandma when I was at work during the summer.) She was getting £25 per month and we took ten pounds off her. The jeans had cost £20ish from Next.

This time it's new books bought ready for school that she's not put away and spilt a can of pop over. Her pocket money has recently gone up tp £30 per month. We've said we'll take £10 a month for the next three months. The pile of books cost in excess of £50. Dd2 also damaged a new bag and two of her books this summer and has had a similar consequence without complaint.

We are trying to teach them the value of money as it's rather tight around here. (Isn't it for everyone!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:12

Pearlywhites, I'm sorry to have disturbed you. I assure you she's safe and well, just exhibiting some rather frustrating behaviour.

OP posts:
PearlyWhites · 08/08/2013 22:14

The jeans fair enough if you had told her not to wear them but rather than taking money of her would a better consequence not just be her jeans are ruined?
I don't agree with the books at all accidents happen and am sure she can still read them.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2013 22:14

They are her own possessions that she's damaging. If my children damage their possessions the consequence is their things aren't as nice! To exact a financial penalty as well seems like an unduly harsh double punishment to me.

Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:16

She's also known about this trip for the last eight months and not managed to save a bean for it. That worries me too, although less so than the stealing.

OP posts:
PearlyWhites · 08/08/2013 22:20

Yes I don't don't doubt she is safe I understand you were being flippant, just find skulls and tin openers a bit ott.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2013 22:20

She only gets £25/£30 a month and some of that goes on fines! Doesn't sound like she could have saved a lot. It's horrible that she's taken money from you but I think you need to think about whether lightening up a bit might create a situation where she is less tempted to do this.

Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:22

They are required school kit and are stuck together and unusable. Had she lept up in horror, separated them and attempted to dry them out that might have been an option. She didn't seem to care at the time. I will be the first to admit that I do get stressed about the way my children present themselves to the world and how it reflects on us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:24

Not routinely, mystery. This is thankfully only the second time in approx 1 year. The bigger problem seems to be her inability to accept it as a consequence when she's been careless.

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 08/08/2013 22:31

I don't think you're creating this problem - she needs to see the consequences of her actions, and you treat both girls the same so it is fair.

I have a 13yo and dishonesty is the one thing I absolutely flip over.

If she's trying to play you and her dad off against each other, it's vital you present a united front.

I feel for you but haven't much more to offer! Good luck.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2013 22:33

I really really do understand your upset at the stealing.

However I have an 11 year old DD who I wouldn't buy white jeans for without being very philosophical about their expected lifetime as I tend to trash a pair myself every summer. I find it really upsetting to think of an 11 year old, presumably excited about her new clothes if she persuades grandma to let her wear them out, accidentally spoiling them and then being made to pay for them as a consequence. I think you were unfair at the time and should have let this go by now - not actually 100% clear whether/what the stealing associated was though so perhaps I haven't understood everything.

runningonwillpower · 08/08/2013 22:40

Sorry OP but you are coming across as very money-minded.

You penalise your children for accidents? Accidents to their own stuff?

Almost everything you have posted is to do with the cost of stuff. Your holiday, their jeans ......

Be very careful. You are using money as your value system to be awarded and witheld as you see fit. So, don't be surprised if she is equally interested in money.

Of course, stealing is wrong but maybe she is feeling a bit hard done by and is trying to redress the balance in the only way she can.

Lanceolate · 08/08/2013 22:41

The punishment for her ruining her jeans was surely that she'd ruined her jeans Confused. You didn't replace them did you?

Lanceolate · 08/08/2013 22:43

As for the new stuff for school that was damaged, if both your DD managed to damage their stuff I'd reassess how I dealt with it in future. Maybe get them to put it away while you watch?

Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 22:58

I am really quite money minded. Otherwise known as trying to provide a comfortable lifestyle full of opportunity for three children and remain solvent.

Two instances, around a year apart, where I've seen fit to impose a financial penalty. both have led to dd not accepting that is the consequence and taking money from another member of the family.
I think that's the bigger problem. Whatever I said last time, (dissapointed, we can't trust you...etc) Didn't work. If anyone has any ideas before I have to speak to her about it in the morning I'm all ears!

We did replace her jeans, with black ones.

OP posts:
runningonwillpower · 08/08/2013 23:03

I'm not unsympathetic, I'm just trying to see both points of view (it's my curse).

How old are your daughters?

Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 23:06

They are thirteen and eleven. There is also an infant son. He's easy...so far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 23:07

well, thirteen next month

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 08/08/2013 23:17

I'm wondering what 13yo's spend 30 quid a month on! (if clothes are bought for them).

I think you've been entirely fair OP. You are just teaching her that stuff costs money and money doesn't grow on trees. I would let her earn some money back though, if she is going to struggle money-wise. (WHAT does she spend all that money on. I don't have teens though.)

For me, the stealing and dishonesty is WAY worse than the original accidents. I would have a good chat about why she stole. To get back at you? Because she really wanted something? Really do listen. But then she still needs a pretty major punishment to know that it is not acceptable. I don't think saying, "You can't be trusted" really cuts it a year later in a child's life. She needs to remember. My friend (who does have teens) grounded (is that the past tense?) her 15yo son for a month for lying to her when he lost his coat - NB not for losing the coat, but for lying about it. My kids are small but I always praise them for honesty (and often don't punish harshly whatever they've done wrong if they're honest), but I won't tolerate dishonesty and it comes with far harsher consequences.

MerryMarigold · 08/08/2013 23:23

If money is what's really painful for her to lose, I would use this for the more major wrongdoings (like lying) not accidents.

For example, with the ruined books, could she do tasks in the house (perhaps linked to tidying up) where she 'earns' one book back at a time? Sorting out the shed - one book. She could help think of the tasks.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2013 23:27

I do utterly understand your frustration with your DD's stealing as it is a horrible feeling to have anyone steal from you, never mind your own child.

I don't have a magic suggestion but I think the theft has been unusual behaviour in response to the same situation both times. A few posters have said your sanction is a bit unfair and it looks like your DD feels its so unjust she resorts to really extreme measures.

You probably won't like this is I get the impression you are much more black and white than me but I would resolve not to use this form of sanction again. On this occasion I would talk to DD and say on reflection you realise how excited and wound up about the holiday she is and it was unfair to take the spending money she was relying on at the last minute even though she was very careless. Make the same points re stealing again as last time, because really what else can you say? Get your £5 returned and give her the opportunity to pay off the book damage by some sort of chores instead so she has her full allowance for the holiday.

Obviously none of this may work but if it does you will all have a nicer holiday and just maybe she won't steal from you again if she feels she is treated fairly.

I'd also make my bag etc inaccessible - take it up to bed at night etc - because unfortunately this can be a habit for some teen DC.

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