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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

almost thirteen and stealing from us

38 replies

Notmyidea · 08/08/2013 21:07

For the second time now, when we've witheld some pocket money from dd1 to make up for items she's not properly cared for she's stolen money. The first time was from her sister last year. We confronted her, made her repay it and apologise and lectured about trust etc. She is convinced I pick on her and am nicer to younger dd. I think younger dd actually has better money management skills and greater self awareness, not that she doesn't have her moments.
I'd hoped it was over but now she's done it again. £5 from my purse this time. The stakes a quite high as we're about to have our first european holiday as a family. Dh and I are stressed about covering the cost and she's desperately excited and wants to make the most of it. I did say she could cover the damage over three months so she still has some spending money.

She genuinely believes I'm unfair and appeals to her father that I'm a wicked witch when he's not looking. I'm at the point of fantasizing about opening her skull with a tin-opener and scrubbing these notions from the folds of her cerebral cortex with a cotton bud...and I have infinate patience with the autistic children I work with and their fixed ideas. HELP

OP posts:

belief · 09/08/2013 01:10

Im shocked that she hasnt managed to save in eight months with £30 a week.
£30 is A LOT
What does she spend it on?

I have no suggestions about the steaking though sorry.

LazyMonkeyButler · 09/08/2013 01:33

Ummm, apart from the last paragraph I could have written your OP about my 12 year old DS this time last year.

He has only stolen money from me once (and it was only £2) but he was grounded for a week & lost his £5 pocket money as a punishment. I don't care if that seems overly hard to some of you - I will not have my DCs steal. And it worked - that was during last year's summer holidays!

I am still the wicked witch on a fairly regular basis however .

runningonwillpower · 09/08/2013 01:46

OK, I'm going against the trend.

Do not punish this girl. Just talk to her.

Really talk, Heart to heart.

Try to find out what she is thinking - without judging.

And listen to her.

zoesmith37uk · 09/08/2013 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 09/08/2013 03:05

As your DD obviously does not think her stealing is a big deal I would come down very hard on her to stop it once and for all. A visit from the Police (you talk to them beforehand) to explain to her what happens to people who steal might just work.

Cerisier · 09/08/2013 06:59

Im shocked that she hasnt managed to save in eight months with £30 a week.
£30 is A LOT

It isn't £30 a week, it is £30 a month, which isn't very much. My teens get through a lot more than this.

Accidents happen, I would talk to her but wouldn't be fining her over weeks and weeks. The punishments seem OTT to me. If money is so tight why push yourself to the limit spending on a holiday so that the weeks before and after are miserable?

flow4 · 09/08/2013 09:23

I don't think you're harsh OP, and your sanctions sound reasonable. £30/mth is a HUGE amount of spending money for a 13yo IMO - possibly more than I have myself - and my DS2, also 13, gets £10/mth.

You sound like you are handling it fine. Maybe not the same way everyone else would do it, but perfectly well. Your only mistake is to expect to be able to 'fix' or stop her from doing things you don't like. The difficult thing about teenagers is that - as the teen years go on - you can't control them... You have to help them learn to control themselves, which you sound like you are doing. :) You also have to develop tactics for staying sane yourself, which perhaps you need to work on a bit...!

MerryMarigold · 09/08/2013 09:58

flow4. I certainly don't spend £30 a month on myself on 'treats' ie. non essential clothes, meals out, magazines, clothes, coffees etc. All very rare! Occasionally I treat myself to a coffee out (perhaps every 2 months) or a pair of earrings (cheap ones) but apart from that it's certainly not amounting to £360.00 per month.

belief · 09/08/2013 10:50

Sorry I swopped the word month for week. Even so a 13yo ought to have some left over at the end of the month

Kleinzeit · 09/08/2013 11:31

NotMyIdea I think you?ve put your own finger on the sources of the problem. You do sound very worried and stressed ? over money on the one hand (are you over-stretched with this holiday?) and over appearences on the other. So your DD1 has picked up on your stress, and she?s also picking up some bad solutions to the problem - stealing as a way to get money (and to express her sense of unfairness) and lying to keep up appearences herself. I agree with MerryMarigold ? stop using money as a punishment for accidental damage.

And try to get a bit of distance ? what would you do if one of the kids you work with spilled juice on his books or got paint on his trousers? Would you get irate and want him to burst into tears and expect him to rush around himself trying to put it right? No, you?d be all ?oopsie, let?s see if we can rescue the books, you fan the books out and I?ll get the kitchen towel?. No matter how furious you felt inside (I brought those books in for you specially!) you?d be putting on a calm front, you?d be in problem-solving mode not punishing mode. Why not do the same for your DD? Why punish her for three whole months over an accidental spill?

Of course your DD isn?t going to look upset, the more upset and angry you act the more she will try to put up a front of not caring (and then steal behind your back). Yes, plenty of kids do that, even if that's not your DD2's style. But your DD1 has learnt to keep up appearences too. Like the kids at work, she is upset, but she?s showing her upset in a very misguided way.

MerryMarigold · 09/08/2013 12:01

Oops, I meant I don't spend 360.00 per year on myself on non essential items.

Original poster

Notmyidea · 09/08/2013 12:41

thanks all. For "holiday" read attending a wedding at which dh is best man. Yes we are stretching ourselves to do it, but it matters.
I'll certainly talk to her and make sure I listen, it's good to be reminded of that one.
For those asking what she manages to spend the money on: bus fares, cinema, gifts for friends' birthdays, phone top ups...
Don't we all get more stressed with our own kids than the clients we work with?!
To be honest my tactics at work are quite similar; as in (gently) insisting that kids (and a few parents) learn from their actions. Kids at work generally behave well for me in a way my own don't at times. I can't imagine any other child I'd trust with a pile of new books abandoning a not-supposed-to-be-in her-bedroom, open tin of tango next to them.

OP posts:

whyno · 09/08/2013 12:44

My mum had to put a padlock on her handbag when my sister was a teenager. How embarrassing must it have been to explain that to your friends.

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