My 13 year old 'borrowed 2 of my 'toys'

[MyPeanut]

Last night, after my 13 year had gone upstairs to bed, I realised that 2 of my adult toys were missing from the drawer in my bedside table. She replaced them this morning before school and I said to her as she left for the bus that we needed to have a chat after school. At first she acted innocent and said why? I said she knew why and she said a guilty oh!!!

I really don't know how to deal with this. She's only just 13 and I think too young for any of this

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any suggestions for how I deal with her tonight? Angry? Disappointed? Upset? Do I punish her for taking something from my room (without asking?!!!)

Any help today would be great. Thanks

[dexter73]

I thought you had to be 18 to buy sex toys so she can't legally buy one (if I'm right!!).

[DocMarten]

I wouldn't keep things like that in a bedside drawer if i didn't want them to be found. And used.

[MyPeanut]

But surely you have to able to trust your children to a certain extent?

[DocMarten]

Yes, you can trust them, but if you had stuff you didn't want them interferring with you would put it away. Like anything else really.

[Potterer]

The bottom line is if she wants to borrow something she should ask first. My eldest is 10 (boy) and he uses my hair products. They are in my wardrobe as the door has a mirror on the inside. He asks can he have them, I say yes. But he asks first.

Re the sex toys, I think that some might believe that sex toy = penis style vibrator ie a dildo, but there are loads of different vibrators and not everyone puts a vibrator inside themselves.

I was raised in a very strict catholic household so no one talked about sex or masturbation. My 10 year old who is in year 5 just watched a dvd at school about puberty and that covers masturbation (the parents were invited to watch the dvd first)

[Olbasoil]

My Peanut ..... Have you actually said to your daughter . Please do not go into my bedroom and rummage around & take my things ( or words to that effect!)
Because if you have then she has no business being there. You are not a bad mother for not locking things away, she is 13 . It is natural to be curious and experiment with sex, we all do it don't we , how many Friday night links / posts have we all clicked ! However this doesn't excuse the fact she was prying in someone else stuff

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

You shouldn't have to hide things or lock them away. Your bedroom is your private space & if you don't want your children in there, rummaging around, playing, borrowing things without asking then they should respect that (but I'd expect them to have a careful nosey rummage at some point)

What baffles me isn't that she went rummaging (I think most of us would have been guility of that at her age!!) but the fact that she didn't find it 'ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww' to borrow your sex toys. That seems really, really weird to me.

I wouldn't buy a sex toy for a 13 year old though - it just doesn't sit right with me. If she's experimenting then it's surely better that she gets to know her own body without battery operated devices.

[Back2Two]

I's about privacy and trust and honesty FIRST.

As for a 13 year old using vibrators ....I don't have teens but I think that a girl should learn about herself "naturally" first and have time to explore sex/masturbation without props. IMO using vibrators is a bit akin to using porn.... It makes the act abit more mechanical and speeds it up too. She may become a bit reliant on that kind of stimulation?

Just an opinion though.

[5madthings]

I think the talk needs to focus on privacy and respect for other peoples belongings.

Re tge sex toys could well be just normal curiosity, she may have just wanted a look and not to use them. But i think it may be worth saying if she wants one to get a basic bullet type vibrator and point out tgat sharing sex toys is not a hygeinic thing to do.

If she is masturbating then using her hands or a vibrator makes no difference imo, its experimentation and normal and healthy. You cannot compare vibrators to porn, one degrades woman, the other doesnt. But it may be worth having a frank discussion with her on these issues. Its better to be open so she knows she can come tp you with any questions.

[5madthings]

backto makes a good point about reliance on vibrators. She needs to explore herself and get to know her own anatomy etc. It would be worth mentioning this to her, reassure her its normal and natural etc. And you could explainthat lwgally she isnt old enough for a sex toy and explaon the downsides re becoming reluant om them. i realy think openness is the best policy here. But i dont think there is anything intrinsically wrong with a teen experimenting in this way or wanting a sex toy of the basic bullet variety.

[Marzipanface]

I would focus on going in your room and taking stuff, not on what she took. You don't want her to be embarrassed.

[MyPeanut]

Oh and my day just gets better and better. I have started the dreaded conversation with my DD and she's now said that it was a dare from a friend of hers. I have told her I don't believe a word of it, but she swears blind she's telling the truth.

I'm now in another room pretending to contact this friend's Mum about inappropriate conversations her DD is having with mine. Obviously I'm not actually doing anything of the sort, I'm just trying to call her bluff hoping that she'll admit it was a lie!!!!

Help!!!!

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

If she isn't backing down, then surely it is entirely possible that it was a dare. But was she being dared to take them or use them?
She does have to understand about not taking things without asking first (not that I think she should be asking to borrow your vibe!)
I did used to use my mothers vibrator from around 13, not sonething that I am proud of but if I had've felt able to ask for my own then I would have asked and with my own, felt no need to borrow my mothers.
I also used to raid my dads porn collection.

[HotCrossPun]

You are behaving being quite childish OP.

Why are you hiding in another room having an imaginary conversation? Sit down and talk to your daughter.

It's far more likely that as a 13 year old that she was taking it as a dare from a friend, as opposed to bothering her mothers sex toy for a night of masturbation.

Grow up.

[Marzipanface]

She's prob really embarrased. Just tell not to touch your stuff and leave it at that.

[MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel]

What on earth???!!?? Having fake conversations to trick your dd?

Sit her down, tell her that your toys are private and not to come into your room without asking again. Tell her if she wants to experiment you will buy her a vibrator of her own but she shouldn't touch or use yours as there are health implications to sharing.

I can virtually guarantee she will say no but stop behaving in such a childish way, this is the time for an adult chat.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think you should go quite gently, otherwise it could come across as being cross with her about her sexuality/ experimentation

Just say, if that's how you feel, that you'd rather she didn't go through your things without asking.

[LazyMonkeyButler]

What was the dare exactly? It's quite possible at 13, but are you sure the "dare" didn't include photographic evidence of some sort? It would be a bit of a pointless thing to just dare a friend to borrow a dildo - how would the friend know whether your DD had gone through with taking it or not?

Or your DD could be telling fibs of course.

[MyPeanut]

Just to update! After waiting 10 mins or so, I returned to her. Having thought I had contacted her friend's Mum, she immediately burst into tears and admitted taking them and that she'd lied about the dare because she was embarassed

She doesn't know why she took them and didn't use them. We then had a long conversation about taking things from my room. How I'm disappointed with her and expected better than this. We also discussed masturbation and that it is natural although I could see from her reaction that she felt uncomfortable talking about it.

She knows what she did was wrong and has apologised. I think it'll be a while before she does it again and definitely won't be taking any of my toys.

I trust her and won't be putting a lock on my door or drawer.

As for being childish, this is probably one of the most grown up conversations I've had with my DD and it only came about because I had to fool her into thinking I was calling a friend. I hardly think this is childish, just tactics!!

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Glad the talk has gone so well Peanut

[HotCrossPun]

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

If your issue was not her masturbating but her taking your things - she'd already admitted that. Why then use 'tactics' to get her to confess about something she was clearly embarrassed by?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Well, in my opinion it could have gone worse !

[SoupDragon]

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

No she didn't there seems to have been a conversation in which the DD lied, 10 minutes whilst the OP caught her out in the lie, a confession and then a discussion. No interrogation.

[HotCrossPun]

She had a conversation with her where her daughter admitted to taking the toys - which is what the OP said was what she was annoyed about.

She didn't believe her so she went away and made the girl think that she was phoning her friends mum. Can you think of anything more embarrassing as a 13 year old than your friends talking about you taking a sex toy?

I just think it's a bit cruel.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Yes, I think I'd recommend admitting that I didn't phone friend, but I just wanted to talk it over (and find out the truth)