My 13 year old 'borrowed 2 of my 'toys'

[MyPeanut]

Last night, after my 13 year had gone upstairs to bed, I realised that 2 of my adult toys were missing from the drawer in my bedside table. She replaced them this morning before school and I said to her as she left for the bus that we needed to have a chat after school. At first she acted innocent and said why? I said she knew why and she said a guilty oh!!!

I really don't know how to deal with this. She's only just 13 and I think too young for any of this

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any suggestions for how I deal with her tonight? Angry? Disappointed? Upset? Do I punish her for taking something from my room (without asking?!!!)

Any help today would be great. Thanks

[DocMarten]

I expect the dd and friend were all sneaking into their parents bedrooms and taking pics of their(parents) toys and sending them to eachother for laughs. Bet that is more like it.

[SoupDragon]

She had a conversation where the DD lied.

There was, it appears, no "interrogation", that's just inflating things.

[MyPeanut]

I didn't interrogate her. All day I tried to imagine the conversation we were going to have. Never once did I think that she would try to lie her way out of it!

I had thought about how I would handle what to me seemed like 2 different issues. Firstly she had been into my room and taken something that didn't belong to her and secondly what she had actually taken. Both things needed dealing with in a different way. I was cross that she'd taken something for which I intended to punish her and I wanted to discuss what she'd actually taken and why, in a calm and understanding manner.

She then changed the situation by lying to me and I didn't know quite how to handle this as I had at all expected it. All I could do was add this to the situation I found myself in and deal with it. I do not tolerate my children lying, especially when it wasn't necessary. I am an approachable Mum who I know both my DDs can turn to for advice and support so to discuss sex, puberty, etc is not an issue in our house. I am open and honest with them.

I didn't deliberate put her in an embarassing situation and it wasn't me who involved her friends in this, she did. I had no intention of contacting the Mum but I wanted her to realise that if she did something wrong she had to take responsibility for it. It worked and she owned up. We had a very emotional conversation and we are now friends instead of me being cross at her for lying and being unable to discuss what happened because of the unsolved lie

[MyPeanut]

Docmartin - why do you think that a 13 yo would do this kind of thing? Certainly not mine!!!!

[DocMarten]

Because they all talk about that sort of thing at school. I remember going to a friends house and we were laughing our heads off at something similar in her mums bedroom. Obv there were no mobie phones back in the day, but I remember very well the convo at school after and what other mums and dads had hidden up.

You may not like that idea but I reckon she prob found it before and discussions have been had. she was dared to take a pic and send it or somesuch.

Not nice to hear, but think that is nearer the truth, which she would never tell you anyway. she did say it was a dare.....

[ubik]

Christ

Yep I think locks on drawers/doors are the way to go. I remember going through my mums things and later taking makeup, tops, cardigans.

You need to lay some ground rules now. She knows what she took is a very intimate item and obviously is testing you in some way.

As for buying your 13-year-

[OhMerGerd]

13 year olds are curious- normal
Hormones, horniness and experiments - normal
They 'borrow' their mums stuff without asking - normal
Their mothers keep their sex toys in accessible places and expect a curious hormonal horny experimenting borrower not to be curious or borrow to experiment - not normal.

[MrsMongoose]

I bought my first vibrator at 13. She knows exactly what they are, and will have been using them. Sorry op. This is an issue of her respecting your privacy. Please don't make her feel guilty for masturbating.

[balsamicbarbara]

Why then use 'tactics' to get her to confess about something she was clearly embarrassed by?

Because she's a child, not an adult. You can't teach or force an adult to do something if they don't want to, but it's necessary to find a way to teach a child because that's what parenting is.

[SoupDragon]

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 2013!!

[PenelopeFlintstone]

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.
Can you think of anything more embarrassing as a 13 year old than your friends talking about you taking a sex toy? I just think it's a bit cruel.

This.

[PenelopeFlintstone]

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 2013!!
Oh my god...

[newtothis13]

Does anyone have any advice about their teen boy taking their vibrator?
My boyfriend and I recently took in his almost 15 year old brother and my vibrator and our lube was missing this morning, but it was put back in its place when we got home today. I don't know how to handle this, I want to know he is supported and accepted, but he needs to be educated on safe sex and personal boundaries.

[Tompin]

I understand how you might feel. I have a 12 year old daughter. She is high functioning autistic and has adhd. One of the features of these conditions is developing obsessions. First it was particular toys, then slime and NOW... she has found my vibrator. We have a few old sex toys hidden in a bag at the top of the wardrobe. She has found the vibrator. First I found it under her bed and didn't really know what to do. I took it away, I re-homed it and considered what to say.

A few days later it was back in her room again. Again, I took it away.

Then on holiday, I kept finding our electric toothbrushes in her bed. I knew I had to tackle this. I tried to talk to her and she refused to discuss anything.

In the end, she agreed to talk to me through the toilet door by text. Clearly she was mortified.

I did not make masturbation shameful but explained she must not take things which do not belong to her, least of all personal things. She tried to claim she thought she had taken a massager, but I didnt buy that as you can clearly see it is a rubber shaped Willy...

She admitted she knew what it was, but
strenuously claimed she only took the batteries from it to power up her make up mirror.

I asked whether someone had shown her this. She says not. She says she has just been in my room, rummaged and found it.

Now, the problem is that I have had THE conversation.... She was highly embarrassed and I thought that might be the end of it.... alas no... 1 week later and the damn thing has gone missing again, only I cannot find it in her bedroom.

Clearly she has taken no notice of our "chat" and worse still, I fear this has now become her latest obsession. Where she will move hell and high water to get her "fix".

With autism, the usual methods of discipline do not seem to work, so I am stuck with what to do next.

First I need to find the thing
Then lock it away
Then have another chat

But, what if she seeks other ways of getting this pleasure and puts herself in danger.... please help!

[cdtaylornats]

The hypocrisy of parents - for the first 13 years it's "share your toys" now it's "leave my toys alone" :)

[chargeorge]

Well done for talking openly about this to your daughter, I have to teach this kind of thing to teenage girls so its refreshing to see a mother addressing it in this way. Sorry you were called childish for your "phone call to the friend's mother" you were clearly at a loss to know what to do. Happy to help you through any other situations if they arise but as someone who talks to teenagers about this almost daily, you're doing a great job!

[WeAllHaveWings]

🧟🧟🧟‍♂️🧟

[FifteenToes]

She does know what they're for. A couple of years ago she and her sister (who's now 10) found them and videoed themselves playing with them - not in a perverted way, but using them as microphones!!!!

Bloody hell, I didn't know that was what they were for!

And all this time I thought . . .

[FourFlapjacksPlease]

THIS THREAD IS FROM 2017!!!! It makes you wonder who has dug this up from the archives and why - the poster who did it has had their post deleted so I suspect it wasn't for entirely innocent reasons.

I'd think carefully about sharing your own experiences on this thread.