I cant belive what I did, such a mess

[twoteens]

dd1 17 and dd2 16 are in the middle of exams and its been very stressful but they have been working hard, but it has been stressful and I am having a very stressful time at work and money problems but have been trying to keep it all together.
dds dont do anything around the home and cause lots of mess have let it go while exams are on but lots of bickering between them and lots of cheek to me.
had a rally bad day at work yesterday and their dad had a new baby yesterday dds posted about new sister excited ect which is fine but he hasn't seen dds in nearly a year and I get no money from him and no support about dds. but just seem to get how wonderful he is and how crap I am.
came home from work last night and the flat was a tip they had cooked for themselves but left it a complete mess everything everywhere, it triggered me just completely lost it, dd1 mimicked me and swore I had a plate in my hand and I threw it as I threw it dd moved and it hit her on the head and cut it, it was fairly deep we went to A and E straight away and I was honest about what happened I was totally in bits hysterical almost at what I had done.
It wasn't a big cut but they clued it, dd1 after the initial shock was ok kept saying mum its ok its ok I know you love us, I couldn't stop crying, dd2 when we got back from the hospital hardly talked to me, I have said sorry deeply and explained that what I did was so wrong in so many levels I am their mum here to protect them not to hurt them.

I have come to work today but am in bits I cant believe what I did and scared how we are going to overcome this I have never lost it like this before, I am so ashamed of myself I am not a villont person I have no one I can tell too in rl as so ashamed how can I possibly make things right.

Think all of us with teenagers can relate to what youve done and how you now feel.I lost it with ds3 this week and although it was him in the wrong I was the one left carrying the guilt.
Please dont beat yourself up over this,it was an accident,wrong place at the wrong time.However it might be time for a family conference to establish some boundaries and rules.Again ,it could have happened to any one of us so dont dwell too much

Yes, I agree, all of us with teenagers can relate to how you feel you must feel. You have apologised sincerely and it will take a little time to get back to normal.

We as adults wouldn't be able to relax with all that mess but they can and I honestly think they don't even see it. However, it annoys us, and what makes it worse is when we are made to feel unreasonable when we want them to clear up after themselves.

My DD is also doing AS levels and it is a very stressful time for everyone. Perhaps next week when the girls are on half-term and the pressure is lifted temporarily you could have a chat with them? I try and present it to DD that when she leaves home, she will be expected to clear up after herself out of respect for the people she lives with, and so as a near-adult now, she should take that responsibility now as a matter of course, and not do every task as a huge favour to me, but out of respect for the other members of the household.

It must be very difficult for you that their dad has had another baby. Of course the DDs are going to be excited about their baby sister but it must hurt when he seems so unconcerned about them most of the time. However, you are the one who is there for them, to provide for them and to listen to them. I strongly suspect that deep down, your daughters know which side their bread is buttered.

Thankyou Chanatan and monikar I am just so upset with myself as it a culmination of my stress which made me loose control I am meant to be the adult.
Will have a chat with dds when things have calmed down. I know that dd2 wont let me forget this in a hurry though.

Give yourself a break.

Your kids shouldn't be treating your house like a hotel.

You are clearly very upset over the incident but maybe use the discussion with the kids to change things at home.
Just because they are doing exams doesn't mean they can't tidy up after themselves and make you a cup of tea when you get home.

Cut yourself some slack. Talk to them as the adults they almost are. Apologise for scaring everyone (yourself included). Say what you did was wrong, it was also unintended. Say that you are very stressed at the moment, and them not pulling their weight at home isn't helping.

They have to realise you are human, and you can be pushed beyond your limits, and that yesterday their mess and then their taunting and swearing pushed you beyond that limit.

They have to accept part responsibility for provoking you and not appreciating how touch things are for you.

Tell them about the stress at work (not details - just that it is very hard at present) and let them know about money worries - they are old enough to appreciate that and help out if they can. They need to understand that being an adult and a parent isn't always straightforward (a big lesson in life they will need to learn soon anyway - so now is not too soon to speak plainly).

As the other posters have said, please try not to feel awful about this. You've apologised to your DDs. They should not be allowed to feel this is something that they can hold over you.

They will hopefully learn that the natural consequence of pushing someone to their limits is this sort of thing. They should treat you with as much respect as they treat everyone else. Swearing at someone constitutes verbal abuse - it would be a disciplinary matter in many workplaces.

Sometimes good can out of things 'coming to a head'. I completely agree with 8throckenholt*'s advice.

Be kind to yourself and remember that you deserve to be treated with respect.

I have one doing AS levels and one doing GCSEs and the stress in the house has been unbelievable over the last couple of weeks. We've all been almost at breaking point.

The girls are fighting constantly, just low level bicker bicker bicker the whole time, I shouted at DD2 so much the other day she was in floods of tears all day, and have somehow managed to have a huge falling out with my mum last week and we've not spoken since.

So whilst the plate incident probably wasn't your finest parenting moment, I imagine most of us with teens on here would sympathise with the stress that led to it.

You've apologised wholeheartedly, you can't do any more about the past. At a calm time - maybe even when the exams are over - I'd sit down and chat about how to avoid tempers getting so frayed again, looking at everything that led up to it, not just your part. Your DD will know underneath it was an accident and she will also know she provoked you. It doesn't hurt for them to see that adults are human too and that there is only so far you can push people before they snap. Obviously you'd rather that snap hadn't landed up with one in A and E, but you'll know your trigger points more in future too. I doubt anything like this will happen again.

In the meantime, try to build some calm moments into your day. I've had to consciously take a step back from taking on all the exam stress - they are very good at making it mine! They'll all be over soon - DD1 finished AS levels yesterday so yours can't have much longer, and it's already better now it's only DD2 with exams left. Soon it will all be done and I'm not even thinking about results day

Don't beat yourself up too much.

Thank you for all the responses they have made me feel a bit better about the situation, Musicposy thats the same as DDs, DD2 just has her A2 English lit left that she has done a year early and dd1 a couple left but the dreaded maths. after the exams I am going to be straight with them as its going to be a long summer if they dont start helping me round the home. my trigger point is coming home from work loaded with shopping and the home is a tip. and the constant bickering between the two of them.
they are both out over the weekend so am going to have some respite.

dds wrong way round.

twoteens, I am another parent who has lost it. In my case, I had DS1 screaming "c*nt" in my face and I slapped him before I even realised what I was doing. He called 999. It wasn't my most glorious moment, but a long way.

It isn't good to lose control, and it definitely isn't good to throw things at your kids, but you know that. You are supposed to be the adult, but you are also human. IMO it does teenagers no harm at all to realise that their parents have limits, and can lose it if really pushed.

You need to find some ways of managing your stress tho'... Swimming, running, massage, singing, laughing... Something that you enjoy and helps you relax. You will find your teens much easier to deal with if you have had something good in your day (or even your week) to sort of balance out the sh*t they give you!

but by a long way...

Another one here who quite understands losing it with teenagers. I lost it with ours last night, after a series of sneering arrogant rude comments. I threw his dinner in the bin and he had to have shreddies.

I explained to him I was very angry and was fully entitled to be so. I will not be apologising in any way, and he will have to make a big effort to show he understands how out of order he was. Particularly since he needs a tenner to go out this afternoon and has no more pocket money .

Flow4 describes being provoked and reacting as not being her finest moment, and I can really identify with that. Bear in mind you are not alone, parents of teenagers all round the country are living the same situation.

My patient and usually gentle mum who I feel lucky to have had, once threw a mug she was washing on the floor in a rage. I can't for the life of me remember what she was so angry about. It didn't stop us having a good relationship. It was completely out of character - I must have been being really annoying. I know I was a difficult teenager - I wasn't wild or shocking, but I just didn't do what I was told if I didn't want to - untidiness and staying out till whenever I wanted.

Years later we laughed about that incident - the look of shock on my face and the way I probably jumped. Very similar to your crockery-throwing incident except for the place it landed.

Another one saying you should cut yourself some slack. Don't apologise. Maybe next time she will think twice about her behaviour.

It sounds like you have a lot of difficulties to contend with and your teens are old enough to understand this and help you rather than hinder you.

What I try to do with my two is emphasise that we are all on the same side,with shared goals and values.

Once things have calmed down I would be inclined to use what happened as a watershed and discuss moving forward as a unit and agreeing ground rules for chores etc not as some form of punishments/teen torture but acknowledging they are young adults and need to behave as such.

Stop apologising to them.

There are some elements in this situation that are outside anyone's control to change and some that everyone can contribute to improving. It's important to tackle the things that are changeable and to learn how to leave the unchangeable things alone and talk and listen if these things are affecting anyone.

Among the things nobody has any control over is the fact that your exH hasn't seen the girls for so long. Maybe the three of you could sit down and talk/listen about your feelings wrt the absence of this man from all of your lives?

Try not to 'kitchen sink' when you talk. Keep strictly to the topic in hand. Speak in sentences that begin with 'I feel..' Try to avoid sounding as if you are blaming anyone for your feelings. These rules are for everyone, not just for you.

The things that everyone can change are the topic for another conversation. This means the state of the house and who will do what in the future to make life more liveable for the whole team. Again, when you have this conversation try not to seem like a complainer. Ask them for their input and together try to make a simple and not too ambitious plan about sharing responsibilities. Try to convey to them what a liveable house looks like and ask them how they would see it.

Your job and stress there are only your own business. It would be a good thing if you could try to de-stress somehow between work and home. Maybe try conscious breathing? If you can, sit down some time and think about work with the aim of making a plan about improving things there or changing your job if that would be possible.

But don't let them guilt you into doing it all or letting them treat you with no respect.

Your H left. The three of you now have to get on with things. You have work and they have school. Nothing in all of that makes anyone unique or particularly hard done by and you need to stop letting the girls get away with bad or inconsiderate behaviour as a way of apologising to them for the way their family has turned out.

Lots of students their age have daily chores. Lots of single parents are hurt by their exes' lack of interest in the children and by the way they can swan off and lead a charmed life with chaos and stress and exhaustion in their wake. There is nothing particularly special in any of what anyone is going through. Try to draw a line under what has gone before and figure out together where you all go from here. The past can't be changed. Take control of the present and the future.

Didn't mean to sound as if I was chiding anyone there my point is what I said first don't feel bad out of guilt, and assert yourself, take control. Recognise what can't be changed and work on what can together.

Your children are old enough to understand the reality of life - ie that you work bloody hard, you get no financial support, you come home after working all day to find the house a tip, and you snapped.

I think you should sit them down together and look at all incomings and outgoings, the job you do, the work you do at home, let them know exactly how the household works. Then figure out what jobs they could be responsible for....in our house we have someone do bins, someone to do laundry, somene to set and clear the table and stack/unstack dishwasher daily.

My kids are a lot younger than yours.

Another one who understands "the rage" - obviously I can't condone the plate-throwing at all, but you don't need telling about that. But I do understand and I think sometimes teenagers need to be reminded that their parents have a tipping point (ideally not through the lobbing of crockery!).

I still remember my mother throwing one of those blocks of icecream (back in the days they came wrapped in cardboard) which she happened to have in her hand at my brother. It missed him, and slid slowly down the wall, and she started laughing a bit hysterically. Obviously not good, but we needed that "we've pushed our luck too much" moment.

When I was a teen my mother dragged me down the stairs and called me a little bitch. This is a very conscientious middle class parent who would never dream of doing sth like that! I had driven her over the edge

We laugh about it now. As long as you apologise to your dds and this is a one off then I think no harm done.

Thank you for all your comments, Things have improved slightly dds were a bit shocked how I snapped,
just going to wait till they have finally finished exams after half term and put down some ground rules for the summer regarding help at home while I am at work.

and you need to stop letting the girls get away with bad or inconsiderate behaviour as a way of apologising to them for the way their family has turned out.

That has hit the nail on the head I try to overcompensate for the fact that their dad lets them down so much and realize I haven't done myself or them any favors.

Don't worry. I once smashed a chair to bits in my daughters room.

We have also 'wrestled' before when I was trying to remove her laptop as a punishment.