I cant belive what I did, such a mess

[twoteens]

dd1 17 and dd2 16 are in the middle of exams and its been very stressful but they have been working hard, but it has been stressful and I am having a very stressful time at work and money problems but have been trying to keep it all together.
dds dont do anything around the home and cause lots of mess have let it go while exams are on but lots of bickering between them and lots of cheek to me.
had a rally bad day at work yesterday and their dad had a new baby yesterday dds posted about new sister excited ect which is fine but he hasn't seen dds in nearly a year and I get no money from him and no support about dds. but just seem to get how wonderful he is and how crap I am.
came home from work last night and the flat was a tip they had cooked for themselves but left it a complete mess everything everywhere, it triggered me just completely lost it, dd1 mimicked me and swore I had a plate in my hand and I threw it as I threw it dd moved and it hit her on the head and cut it, it was fairly deep we went to A and E straight away and I was honest about what happened I was totally in bits hysterical almost at what I had done.
It wasn't a big cut but they clued it, dd1 after the initial shock was ok kept saying mum its ok its ok I know you love us, I couldn't stop crying, dd2 when we got back from the hospital hardly talked to me, I have said sorry deeply and explained that what I did was so wrong in so many levels I am their mum here to protect them not to hurt them.

I have come to work today but am in bits I cant believe what I did and scared how we are going to overcome this I have never lost it like this before, I am so ashamed of myself I am not a villont person I have no one I can tell too in rl as so ashamed how can I possibly make things right.

Hi OP. I am so sorry that things are stressful for you atm, and your ex having a new baby must make you feel weird. You have my immense sympathy for all that.

BUT I am going to go against the grain here. Don't "cut yourself some slack". Don't accept the fact that others have also "lost it" as a licence for you to do the same or to make you believe it is in any way ok.

It is UTTERLY unacceptable to throw china at anyone, let alone your children whom, as you say, you are there to protect.

I can't believe some of the posters above: nobody would say about a domestically abusive husband that he should be "cut some slack" or have a laugh about their own husband having behaved worse at some point. Absolutely feel guilty about it and NEVER EVER do it again.

You need to take action to deal with your anger management issues. Yes, teens can wind you up but NO it is NEVER ok to rationalise causing one to have to go to hospital with an injury.

Look to the future. Get help. It's great that you want to not behave this way - that is the most important step. Remember that, and take action to make it a reality. You are there as your children's sanctuary. Taking positive action to ensure you never get to breaking point again is the way you can most effectively demonstrate remorse. I suspect it will take a long period of calm and fair behaviour for your DDs to feel safe around you again (whatever they say) but the good news is that you CAN do it and they WILL (eventually) forgive you and trust you again.

You sound like a right thinking and loving mother so I am sure you will succeed. Good luck.

notasaint - this is not domestic abuse - the OP didn't throw the plate at her DD aiming to hit her.

Her children are in their late teens - old enough to understand that this was a one off and that their mum was unusually tired and stressed.

We do not owe it to our children to be perfect. It's not possible and urging posters to get help for their normal inadequacies is likely to have the effect of making people secretive about parenting problems - which will not help anyone.

I was not frightened of my mum after she threw a cup violently on to the floor at my foot. Shocked yes. I realised that she must have felt very strongly about the issue to have behaved like that.

If this was a regular occurrence it would be different.

Growing up involves coming to the realisation that our parents are not perfect and that they're people in their own right as well as being parents.

There are all sorts of behaviours that aren't good for children - eg being overly protective, a perfectionist, not being a good listener; having identified these qualities it would be great if the parent made a huge effort to change, but feeling very guilty is unlikely to be helpful.

She didn't throw the plate at her daughter.

Perhaps you are aware of that relevant part of the post. I have no doubt that you mean well and I realise you may have your reasons for feeling the way you do, but I don't think the OP's DD will be seriously affected by this one incident and feeling very guilty will not be helpful.

I don't know about 'sanctuary'. Life outside the home isn't so tough that anyone needs a sanctuary. What teens need from parents whether single or both together is skills to recognise and cope with reality, and ever increasing responsibility from which will develop self esteem. You're not doing them any favours treating them overindulgently or allowing them to feel they are not accountable to you.

There are healthy ways of getting all those ducks in a row, and of course the OP realises throwing plates is not one of them. Instituting a new regime with teens who have been getting away with a lot is an uphill struggle, but ultimately for teens, knowing who is in charge and knowing they answer to someone higher up than them provides a great sense of security.

And there is a difference between being a parent (leader in the home) and being the person who does all the cooking and cleaning and organising of other people's time (skivvy and secretary) while nobody else lifts a finger. Being a good parent to teens involves getting them to contribute and feel good about it.

notasaint ,do you have teenagers?

You threw a plate which injured her head. you could have killed her. try posting in relationships from the pov of a man who throws a plate at his wife/daughter because she drove him to it. you need to find some other way to manage your temper. It doesnt matter whether you threw it at her deliberately, in that moment you couldnt have cared what the consequences were or you wouldnt have done it.

I,m glad you two werent here last week when the op first posted,Did you actually read her post right through,can you not see where she states the guilt and remorse she is feeling,she needed somewhere to offload and not get a flaming,sometimes a little bit of compassion and understanding is needed,she knows she did wrong .

Jumpingjacksprat exactly. Perhaps here is not the right thread for a discussion of domestic violence towards children, but basically although the OP needs support, she does NOT need reassurance that her behaviour was normal or acceptable. Her remorse seems genuine and is spot on. Telling her to brush it off and "we've all done worse" is completely the wrong approach.

Yes, she may not have aimed the plate at the child's head, but if you deliberately throw something large and breakable in the general direction of a person, then you are definitely taking a risk that you will injure them. Causing someone a head injury bad enough to need hospital treatment is truly shocking when it is clearly not an "accident" in the sense that the action causing it (the throwing of the plate) was a deliberate act. If she had killed him/her then that would be murder (as she was reckless as to gbh).

Sorry, OP, I am not trying to pile on to your troubles as I can see that you are pushed to breaking point and you really do need help. You can't change the past but you must take action to ensure that you have better coping mechanisms in the future - have you ever thrown anything before?

She didn't throw the plate at her DD though. Her DD moved into its path. That's very different from aiming it at her.
And my mother didn't throw a mug at me either - she threw it on the floor. If I'd taken a step at the wrong time it would have hit me.

notasaint and Jumping - it's all very well telling the OP she must find ways to 'manage her temper'. What do you suggest? Spending time and money on a course or counselling? The OP doesn't have spare time or money. And what would her DDs learn from this? That their mother is such a flawed character that she has to spend time and effort on fixing herself? How reassuring for them.

For how long does a plate travel through the air? 5 milliseconds? Her DD must have been pretty darned close to where the plate was thrown. And to hit her on the head to cause injury that requires stitching implies that the plate was thrown at head height and with some force.

Sorry, I won't continue this discussion here as it is not helpful to the OP to dwell on this (any more than it is helpful to tell her that her behaviour was normal or acceptable). She needs to find the determination to shed herself of some of her stresses and to find a way of dealing with her temper. She will not find that determination if people tell her that what she did was excusable. It's just not.

It is a good lesson for the children to see that if there is a problem, an adult will take steps to address it. And that adults sometimes make (grave) errors of judgment but try to learn from them and not repeat them. I would hope that you don't view everyone seeking psychological help as "flawed". I view them as taking positive steps to help themselves.

Money spent on counselling, if not available free, will be money well spent. How much do you think the stitching and medical treatment cost the NHS? Probably several hundred pounds..

Blimey OP you have my sympathies ,I have been tempted many times with ds1 and have wrestled a laptop etc .No its not right but lets be clear we are not talking about children here,both these girls are old enough to be married and to join the army,this is not about a mother throwing a plate at an 11 year old.Until you have lived with stressful teenagers it is really difficult to understand just how frustrating they can be and how frankly exhausting .

Having said all that you do need to de stress,why not wait until exams are over and then see if your girls can come up with some suggestions to help you distress,despite their frustrations I have sometimes been surprised how when asked for advice my teens have come up trumps .

It is not excusable to throw a plate at anyone of any age, (causing them a head injury requiring hospital treatment, remember). Saying that teens are exhausting and frustrating - whilst true - reminds me of nothing so much as the 19c case justifications for wife and servant beating.

I agree with outtolunch though, have a family discussion and try to come up with joint solutions. Work together if you can. I am sure your teens have their own stresses too. Of course they can be rude and inconsiderate and hard work but they can also be kind, loving and forgiving.

Have read all the comments on here and thank you for all your comments. the support in every form really helped me to know that I am not alone in making mistakes and how difficult it is with teens and that we have to address issues.

I know that it was a massive error of judgement and was not excusable in any way or form and was distraught in how I reacted at the time. it has given me and dds a bit of shock and talked about how we all can manage to live together and to have a less stress free home that includes dds who at 16 and 17 realize they need to have a look at their own behavior too.

But we need to move forward and this incident will not be forgotten but I need to forgive myself and move forward in a positive way.