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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Your Teen wins....

155 replies

TopsyRK · 28/01/2013 17:04

Your teen wins as soon as you raise your voice, they are looking for conflict.

Your rules should always be...

Ask first
Tell second
Punish third

Ask them to do something, if no reaction, then tell them, if no reaction punish them, never raise your voice or argue with them as you are the parent.

Trust me not easy but it works

Chris

OP posts:
Toomuchtea · 29/01/2013 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 29/01/2013 19:03

Ah, OK, thanks, flow.

Shouting is the thing that really upsets DS. It's a fucking massive punishment for him. He really hates it.

He couldn't care less about his phone (it's a tool I need him to have, and he needed it today to contact me when the bus broke down). He doesn't go out with friends, so I can't really ground him. If I did say he couldn't go out, and he thought I was being unreasonable, he would just go anyway. Hmm If I blocked internet access he would watch a DVD, and not really care. He earns pocket money, so can't exactly cut it (see what I'm doing here, Chris; reinforcing the positive rather than the negative)

I am always nice to my children. It's my job as a mother. That wouldn't confuse them. Confused (It was my decision to bring them into this world, not theirs, so I'm hardly going to be horrible to them.)

I can kind of see this working on my 9yo, though. The punishment would be to not let him have any pudding.

" (1)DS2, stop jumping from the sofa to the coffee table please.

(2)STOP Jumping on the furniture!

(3 - my style) DS2, I told you to stop jumping on the furniture. You now have a massive bruise on your shin because you mis-judged the distance to the coffee table.
or
(3 - Chris' style) You shall have no pudding."

Think I'll stick with my style for now. I bet Chris is a "hit them where it hurts" sort of parent.

LynetteScavo · 29/01/2013 19:04

cory sorry you are all having such a tough time. Sad

Hope you get the support you all want/need. x

flow4 · 29/01/2013 19:38

Chris, I have just read your rather beautiful, lonely and poignant post in Carers ...

You understand what it is to love, and to care, and to have little or no support, and to struggle to do the right thing, and to want to fix things for your loved one even though you can't, and to keep on and on trying, and failing, way past the point where things become impossible...

You would do well to bring that understanding and compassion and humility here, instead of your finger-wagging condescension; because the feelings and experiences you are struggling with as a carer are largely the same as the ones we are struggling with as parents of teens.

Ask yourself how you would have felt if someone had come along on Carers and said "Ah, Chris, what you need to do is get some routine into your caring - just stick to your guns and tell her what she needs to do. And if she won't do it, well then, show her some tough love, she'll soon learn..."

That would have been pretty offensive, wouldn't it?

It was here, too.

.

Perhaps you could start again..? If your posts here could be more like that one you made in Carers, we'll get along fine. :)

Toomuchtea · 30/01/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TopsyRK · 30/01/2013 11:47

ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 30/01/2013 11:54

That's still not it, Chris.

We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice and perhaps you might find a place for yourself

Original poster
TopsyRK · 30/01/2013 12:51

Hmm ok Hully, I have just read the rules and guidelines for Talk but found nothing about earning stripes etc... or about waiting to be asked?

I did find bits about being openly called a troll etc but that was it, I have explained and made an apology which you can either accept or not, that is up to you, but I am very sorry I will not be sitting back earning stripes when I may have some advice that would help somebody in need.

I am well aware that on many forum sites old hands are formed etc, but to say somebody new cannot basically offer advice unless asked...sorry not happening.

Chris

OP posts:
Hullygully · 30/01/2013 12:53

good luck with that then

noddyholder · 30/01/2013 12:54

Grin hully!

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 12:57

This is my last attempt...

It's not about written RULES and LAWS

It's about how this place works, it is more of a co-operative and the ways of operating that have developed over time are held dearly by its members. As in RL, many "rules" and conventions are unspoken, they are about tone and attitude. Would you march into a RL arena, a playground or a pub and start giving people unasked for advice? We call that Mansplaining, it is very much a male trait and not something we like.

However, I expect you'll ignore this and be surprised when you continue to put people's backs up...

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 12:58

We don't sign our names either.

Another peice of advice for you to ignore is to actually hang out a bit and see how things are done, try and fit in. I expect that's a bit boring for you, you're just bursting to tell people what to do.

oh well.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 30/01/2013 12:59

chris I don't think that's what hully meant.

IMO the point is, it is slightly....I don't know, patronizing is the word that springs to mind to start a thread basically telling people how to parent their teens.
There are many threads on here asking for help and support with specific problems people may be having with their children asking for advice and I think your post would have been a lot better on a thread asking for help, rather than starting a thread telling everyone what you think we should all be doing.

We don't all have the same teenagers, I have 2 that as as different as night and day.
So if I need advice I post about a specific problem and people offer their experiences, whether they have been on mumsnet for 10 minutes or 10 years is irelevant, any advice great fully recieved.

Your thread appears to be aimed at all of us, disregarding the fact that some of us parent very differently but still have "good" children as a result.

Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2013 13:00

I agree with Hully. It's just not the way it works on MN. Plus the OP could have been worded along the lines of 'I have a theory of what may work with disciplining teens, what does everyone think? Maybe. ?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 30/01/2013 13:00

Spectacular xpost with hully

Damn my slow typing. And slow brain.

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 13:00

tantrums' advice is good too.

cory · 30/01/2013 14:50

Chris, it's not about any special rules for this forum, it's about the normal rules for human intercourse.

You don't join any new group of people you don't know and start preaching at them if you are not there in some sort of official capacity that gives you the role as their teacher.

You start in gently, getting to know people, listening to what they have to say, maybe find out how much they are likely to know or want to know.

I am a lecturer in RL. If I am invited to a party with a load of strangers, I don't get up on a table and deliver a lecture. I join a conversation or ask a question. If I go to a toddler coffee morning I don't start telling the other mums what to do until I have seen some evidence that they want my advice.

This is not about being a bloke, either: most blokes don't behave like that in RL; they couldn't get along in a new workplace or down the pub if they did.

As Hully said earlier, this forum (like so many places where social intercourse takes place) is about equals.

cory · 30/01/2013 14:53

And fwiw not all teens want to win. Just been having a major session with dd's CAHMS team and it is pretty obvious to all of us that dd's biggest problem is that she doesn't want to win: she just wants mummy to sail in and take all the fear and pain away.

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 15:17

cory, I have seen a couple of posts about your dd, I send you sympathy and love. There is nothing worse than seeing our dc suffering.

Original poster
TopsyRK · 30/01/2013 15:30

BUMP
ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

Now this is what I posted earlier but have since been told...

"We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice..."

I have never put myself above anybody, plus as an equal do I not have the same rights as others to start a post or offer advice?

Chris. (I always use my real name so others know I am a real person, it makes it more personal)

OP posts:
Hullygully · 30/01/2013 15:31

wall

head

bangs

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 15:32

water

horse

won't drink

Hullygully · 30/01/2013 15:33

good luck topsy/chris

Original poster
TopsyRK · 30/01/2013 15:37

Thank you, dont worry I do know what you are trying to say...

Just we have different views is all

OP posts:
cory · 30/01/2013 15:40

Thanks, Hully and Lynette and TooMuchTea for support and sympathy Thanks

We are getting support, we are picking ourselves up again. The anti-depressants are helping (and apparently you can take 16 times the dose and survive Confused).

But I know very well that I am not the only poster on the teenage forum who has problems way beyond what Chris' facile approach can solve.