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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Your Teen wins....

155 replies

TopsyRK · 28/01/2013 17:04

Your teen wins as soon as you raise your voice, they are looking for conflict.

Your rules should always be...

Ask first
Tell second
Punish third

Ask them to do something, if no reaction, then tell them, if no reaction punish them, never raise your voice or argue with them as you are the parent.

Trust me not easy but it works

Chris

OP posts:

threesocksmorgan · 29/01/2013 12:45

by the way op you do realise that teenagers are all different, what works for one, might not work for another.
I think it is best to treat them as people, not "teens"

Original poster

TopsyRK · 29/01/2013 12:54

You are so right 3 socks, which is what I said on page 3

they are different ...As for the other, reading through I do see that even Maryz agrees they work with two of her children. There is not one answer to cover all teens it is about talking to them and not at them and finding what works for you.

Treating them as people and not "teens" is a great step and good advice

OP posts:

QOD · 29/01/2013 12:56

rubyrubyruby · 29/01/2013 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOneWithTheHair · 29/01/2013 13:12

Oh no not JK. He likes to shout.

I was thinking serious documentary maybe hosted by Robert Winston. Then he can make an face at the end.

Seriously though, in my experience with my first teen I found that respecting him as a young adult worked at times and as a 4yo at others seemed to do the trick. Sometimes they like you to shout as it reaffirms the boundaries they need to feel safe. I do not expect to be able to repeat this with dd and ds2 as they are different people.

Also I would never be arrogant enough to tell other people I have the answer!

Original poster

TopsyRK · 29/01/2013 13:15

No not TV done that for a sex ed program they followed me around with a camera for a day, it put pounds on me.

OP posts:

GetOrf · 29/01/2013 13:23

I agree that punishment is a load of old rubbish. I don't want a relationship like that with my dd, that if she doesn't do x mum will punish her.

Rather that everything she does is a series of choices which have consequences.

I am fortunate though that she is a very good kid and is easy to parent.

But I absolutely reserve the right to shout and yell about the fucking missing teaspoons if I wish.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 29/01/2013 13:32

what the actual fuck do they do with teaspoons? and cups?

I have 1 teaspoon. a complete set of knives and forks and 1 tea spoon

TheOneWithTheHair · 29/01/2013 13:34

Yup teaspoons missing here too. I think ds1 throws them away.

noddyholder · 29/01/2013 13:37

I have found just talking works and if I want ds to focus on something not done eg homework or bedroom cleaned I turn off modem for an hour. He is 18 now though and much more chilled than at 15/16 when I employed the wine/pour/ignore on many occasions. They are all different though

noddyholder · 29/01/2013 13:38

Oh yes teaspoons towels glasses all disappear but fruit and the hoover never move

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/01/2013 13:43

Glasses are going missing here at the moment.

strangely

don't know whether it is the teen or the au pair

Though the teen asked me to wake him up 1/2 an hour earlier today "in an attempt to sort out my sleep patterns"

WTF is that all about?

By the way Chris - your posting comes accross as patronising, mansplaining and backtracking of your original post of "this is what you should do ladies, it always works - tadaaaahhhh"

Parsnipcake · 29/01/2013 13:45

I don't see the point of punishment, they just think you are a bitch and tweet how hard done by they are. Natural consequences are far more effective, and amusing for the parent. Chris, I'm sure you mean well, but bring directive is rarely an effective strategy - posting like you did ignores the fact that people come online to let off steam as much as anything. Also, to say teens are looking for conflict isn't true IMO. Mainly they just want their own way, and their brain wiring thinks this is perfectly reasonable.

lljkk · 29/01/2013 14:19

I would not waste my time on here if I had perfect kids and perfect parenting techniques. I am sure there must be better things to do than pursue the need to commiserate.

flow4 · 29/01/2013 15:00

We've asked you politely to change your tone, Chris...

We've told you your attitude stinks...

So I guess now we'll have to punish you.

Consider yourself grounded.

Maryz · 29/01/2013 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

secretscwirrels · 29/01/2013 16:10

OP name change mid thread?

secretscwirrels · 29/01/2013 16:13

Oh it's me not paying attention. That's what happens when someone lectures me.

cory · 29/01/2013 17:51

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:53:16

"Ask yourself at what stage did this post become...how utterly patronising and unhelpful... was it before or after the wrong troll alert and attacking comments and assumptions which others made?"

Just seen this thread. With your OP.

OPs who come on here and tell us what to do uninvited, without knowing anything about our circumstances, do tend to get a slating: I didn't have to check the other posts to know that that would have been attended to.

LynetteScavo · 29/01/2013 17:53

Chris, does this ask, tell, punish, thing work on all children, or just teenagers (between the ages of 13-19)? Would it work on my DH?

You are presuming we all talk at our teens. I don't. Of course I treat my teen as a person. I have treated him as a person since the day he was conceived. .

Maybe it would work on my younger DC. Except I don't do punishments. I just don't get them. My DSs would never sit on the bottom step. DD loved to. (Although I forgot about her one time, and she peeled the wallpaper off. We had to decorate the entire hall stairs and landing.) I think that was the last time I punished.

I'm learning from this thread that I do have a parenting style. My DC know if I shout, they have gone too far. My DC know if I quietly swear they have gone far too far, and do what ever needs to be done PDQ.

I'm still waiting to find out what punishments Chris suggests.

cory · 29/01/2013 17:55

And for the record, CAHMS have just been telling me that I need to show dd more of my feelings and not be afraid to shout at her: that our setup of a seemingly unflappable mother who can never get hurt is not healthy for her.

But what would they know? They're only specialists in teen mental health.

LynetteScavo · 29/01/2013 17:57

I agree with CAHMS cory I had an unflappable mother.

Which is why I parent differently.

cory · 29/01/2013 18:00

I know CAHMS are right, too, Lynette- and I shouted at dd last week to great effect

flow4 · 29/01/2013 18:19

Lynette, we got Chris's answer before lunch: "the punishment needs to be whatever your child will be effected by most, be it remove phone, internet, grounding, allowance cut or stopped, just whatever you know will get their attention, every child is different, or even just being nice to them as that confuses the hell out of them."

cory · 29/01/2013 18:29

So could you perhaps tell me a suitable punishment for suicide attempts, Chris, as that seems to be the behaviour we are having trouble with?

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