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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Did my Ds steal a small fortune ?

31 replies

brighterfuture · 04/12/2012 20:52

Bloody hell ... Dh and I are in total shock, We had very large amount of cash hidden in the house which we had ready to buy a car and its gone missing. We have searched everywhere and are completely shellshocked and devestated.

I've asked my dc in a non accusatory way and they all deny knowing anything.
I can't help thinking about how much cash Ds 16 has been through lately and how lack of money has been such an emotive issue with him. He smokes a lot of dope and takes MDMA and lsd that I know of.
I can't help wondering if he's stolen it and if so how to prove it and what to do about it.
It's in large notes which I imagine he would have trouble spending without suspicion and only the other day he went crazy about a tenner someone owed him (surely not the behaviour of someone who has stolen a small fortune.) He's not stolen from me before though he has slowly sold all his belongings of any value. I think I am going crazy as I've no idea what to do.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/12/2012 20:55

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AgentProvocateur · 04/12/2012 20:57

Yikes! No idea what to do but you have my utmost sympathy. I know how it felt when I thought DS had stolen £20 from me, and the sheer relief when I later found it. Did he know where the money was? Is there any chance it could have been anyone else?

Jalopeno · 04/12/2012 20:58

Do you know exactly where you hid the money? It sounds like you are unsure if you 'searched everywhere'

MrsHowardRoark · 04/12/2012 21:00

We had a similar incident in our family a few years ago.

The culprit owned up after a call was made to the police. We didn't actually suspect this family member so called the police to report the theft. We then said we had made a mistake and cancelled the visit and made them pay off the debt.

It was a real shock and I'm sorry that you may be dealing with the same thing. This family member will never be fully trusted again.

Could you perhaps tell him that the police will be paying a visit because there must have been a break in?

DowntonSprouts · 04/12/2012 21:06

DH had quite a lot of money go missing at work. More than £1000 over a period of time.

He had a spy camera put in and it filmed the cleaner stealing from the safe.

It maybe too drastic for you but these cameras are relatively inexpensive. If you put some money where you think you hid the last lot it would tell you whether your suspicions are correct.

Original poster
brighterfuture · 04/12/2012 21:08

second coming I hope not, but maybe you are right....

I know where we hid it but the dc didn't know we had it. Because its not there. I've been looking everywhere like a crazy person, wondering if we could have moved it and then had some kind of memory wipe out clutches at straws

There's a faint chance it could have got knocked onto the floor but surely we'd have seen an envelope stuffed with cash. It's unlikely anyone else has had access to it as no one else goes into our room and the dc haven't had friends around when I've not been in.

OP posts:
Themumsnot · 04/12/2012 21:11

Have you searched all the DCs' rooms?

Fedupnagging · 04/12/2012 21:14

Did you or someone tidy up and maybe throw the envelope away? Perhaps check your recycling bin.

You say your dc's didn't know you had the money but if DS was desperate for cash for drugs, he may well have gone rooting around to see what he could find. Horrible thought I know and very distressing for you.

TheSecondComing · 04/12/2012 21:14

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Original poster
brighterfuture · 04/12/2012 21:25

No not at all resigned..... If a child really wants to get off his head he will find a way regardless of punishments, grounding, removal of priviledges etc. You can either boot them out and let them get on with self destructing or you hang on in there and hope they'll come through.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/12/2012 21:27

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sleeplessinsuburbia · 04/12/2012 21:28

The drug addicts I have known would have thought nothing if stealing large sums of money from family.

Only you know who has had access to your house and how hard you have searched for the missing money.

I'd call the police.

Original poster
brighterfuture · 04/12/2012 21:28

Mrs Howard That's a good idea. I think I will tell them the police are coming round to talk to us all and see if that gets any reaction.

OP posts:
Chandon · 04/12/2012 21:32

Have you had any builders, workmen, cleaners, window cleaners, friends, anyone in your house???

Also, regardless of the money, you sound vety resigned about our son being a drugs user. Is it really that ormal and o.k. To you?

TheSecondComing · 04/12/2012 21:34

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Doinmummy · 04/12/2012 21:41

My friends DD is a drug addict. She stole money from her mum. She didn't know where it was but just searched through her bedroom .

Re your sons addiction OP, it's so awful for everyone concerned. How do you help them when they won't be helped?

MrsDeVere · 04/12/2012 21:45

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Rwep · 04/12/2012 22:17

I'm afraid it does sound like it was your son, but clutching at straws for you, we were burgled while we slept once. No-one woke and they made no mess at all. Just DH's phone was missing, which our DCs were blamed for - they were very small at the time and suspected of hiding it, not stealing. We would never have known except that I found DS2 playing with DH's SIM card which the thief had thoughtfully left on the dining table. Then a few days later I realised a small amount of cash was missing too.

Do you have a UPVC front door, is there a tiny dent (made by a screwdriver) in the frame by the handle?

flow4 · 05/12/2012 01:10

So sorry brighter.

I have been in this situation, except that I knew my DS had stolen from me... It's dreadful. You might remember one of my threads from earlier this year...?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1374552-Help-does-anyone-have-experience-of-a-teen-using-M-Cat-miao-miao-mephedrone

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1419999-Throw-him-out-have-him-arrested-or-hang-on-in-there?pg=1

Don't feel too despairing if/when you read them... Things are a lot better with my son: he's back in college, attending regularly, studying, not taking m-cat any more, and hasn't stolen from me again since I let him come home in April. 8 months ago I couldn't imagine ever forgiving him again, but I (almost) have.

So if it was your son, there is a way through this...

And get a cash-box and lock fitted on your bedroom door, just in case.

FellatioBellsOn · 05/12/2012 05:44

Yes, he has stolen it to buy drugs. Or to pay off drug debts. Or to buy a sufficient quantity of drugs so that he can deal himself.

You need to turn the house upside down in the hope that you can find some proof. Can you go into his room while he is sleeping and take his phone?

Original poster
brighterfuture · 05/12/2012 07:14

Thanks for the links flow they are really helpful. It sounds like you went through such a hard time with your Ds, It's helpful to see where you set your limits. I know from your more recent posts that things have a improved a bit for you Smile .

My problem is I don't know if it was my DS. My Dh put the money somewhere that I felt wasn't that safe (under the matress) inspired not but as it was DH's savings I could only suggest he put it elsewhere and he chose to ignore me. Maybe be it fell out through the slats and got lost somehow....

There were several thousand pounds so I can't help thinking I'd have seen a change in DS behaviour if he'd taken it and I haven't.

He worked all last weekend to earn money, getting up early and working till late (would he have done this if he was already loaded ?) But he's a clever lad so maybe he's covering his tracks and I did harass him into doing his job ( he works occasionally at a hotel when they have events on)

He was out last night and I did a major search of his room but found nothing. I also did a search on his computer history and nothing came up.....

The suspicion and not knowing is horrible.

OP posts:
Chandon · 05/12/2012 08:03

Maube try to deal with all the drugs use, regardless of whether he took the money?

As that is an issue that needs to be dealt with either way.

SavoyCabbage · 05/12/2012 08:12

I agree with you that you would have noticed if her had been spending several thousand pounds.

How long ago did you see the money?

You must do something about the drugs regardless.

VivaLeBeaver · 05/12/2012 08:25

Have you taken the mattress totally off the bed and made sure its not stuck between some slats?

flow4 · 05/12/2012 08:32

I know, and I do understand how very difficult that makes things. Not least because if it wasn't your DS, and he is currently making an effort (working etc.), then accusing/suspecting him seems especially unfair.

I think these kinds of uncertainties cause a huge amount of difficulty and upset... The death of trust in your own DC is very painful.

That is one of the main reasons I fitted locks, and continue to lock my money away: I don't want to give my DS any opportunity to steal from me again, because the suspicion of theft is actually worse than the loss of money. I suggest you do the same, whether or not you can 'prove' anything...

FWIW, I didn't notice a difference in behaviour when my DS was stealing from me, except that (with hindsight) he was getting wrecked more often... But he wasn't more guilty, or defensive, or anything like that... And he still went to college, and sat down with us for meals occasionally, and celebrated Christmas, and... and... :(

Some other snippets of info that might be relevant...

My DS stole over a grand in 6 weeks. He was putting about £90 of M-CAT up his nose per night during the Christmas hols... And he had 'debts' and 'favours' to repay, and was inclined to be 'generous' to others who had been generous to him in the past...

He was already in the habit of selling his stuff to buy drugs, and I naively assumed at the time that he was simply selling to other young people. But in fact, he had connections with a 'fence' - i.e. someone who was buying and selling anything/everything, no questions asked, including stolen goods. I found this very shocking, when I discovered it. The chances are your son knows someone like that too... The 'exchange rate' from such people is (naturally) very low indeed, so having a ready source of money and being able to avoid him was definitely attractive to my DS...

Though of course, if your DS has stolen the money, and hasn't spent it all already, it would be easy enough for him just to have set up a bank account...

I don't know about involving the police. It feels like it ought to regain you some control, but it probably won't: if DS didn't take the money, and you've just lost it, you are going to look ridiculous; and if he did, unless you have proof and want to press charges, there is nothing the police can do.

There are considerable disadvantages (I have discovered) to putting your DS 'on the police radar'... We still get fairly regular visits because he is on their 'list of suspects', although it is 5 months since he was in any kind of trouble.

Sorry. I'm probably not now helping, am I? I'll shut up. Blush

Thinking of you.