Did my Ds steal a small fortune ?

[brighterfuture]

Bloody hell ... Dh and I are in total shock, We had very large amount of cash hidden in the house which we had ready to buy a car and its gone missing. We have searched everywhere and are completely shellshocked and devestated.

I've asked my dc in a non accusatory way and they all deny knowing anything.
I can't help thinking about how much cash Ds 16 has been through lately and how lack of money has been such an emotive issue with him. He smokes a lot of dope and takes MDMA and lsd that I know of.
I can't help wondering if he's stolen it and if so how to prove it and what to do about it.
It's in large notes which I imagine he would have trouble spending without suspicion and only the other day he went crazy about a tenner someone owed him (surely not the behaviour of someone who has stolen a small fortune.) He's not stolen from me before though he has slowly sold all his belongings of any value. I think I am going crazy as I've no idea what to do.

[flow4]

Just to add... You already know this brighter, but maybe some other people need to hear it... There is nothing you can 'do' about your DS's drug use. As you said, you just have to decide whether to kick him out or hang on in there.

Support services are there, but unless/until your son himself recognises he has a problem and accesses these voluntarily, these are useless.

Many people are unaware that as a parent of a teen, you can access support for you, but you can no longer access support for your child. Your DC has to choose and want support themselves. And the services will not talk to you about your child - they will only talk to you about you.

When I (finally) got my son to attend a drugs service drop-in/assessment session, he inevitably didn't tell the worker the full truth, and didn't mention the money he had been stealing, so she told him (or so he told me) that "You think I've got a drugs problem, but I haven't"...

[raskolnikov]

Christ flow, that's awful. I've been there with the stealing too, it was a few years ago with DS1 (who I've just posted about here again ). It took place over several months and was just being spent on nights/meals out, labels and a skiing holiday! Sadly I think he's done it again - I realised recently that some money I was looking after for DS2 had disappeared from my purse. The atmosphere between us has completely changed since then - he's denied it but I can pinpoint when it happened.

I feel crushed really, to think he could be so dishonest and to do it to his mum of all people. It was only mentioning my phone call to the police that got him to admit it before and I made him repay it all but the trust is gone, my others DCs know and something we had as a family has been lost forever.

[HungryHippo89]

Why don't you try having a chat with all your DC's to see if they know anything ... Lay on a bit of a guilt trip about how upset/dissapointed you are.. And if they know anything they can tell you in confidence and it won't get back to there siblings etc? You never know it might not of been your DS but he might of had some friends round when you've been out which you don't know about ... one of them might tell you something that could help you piece the puzzle together?

[Cahoootz]

Wow flow what insightful posts. I hope evrything works out for your family.

betterfuture I don't have any advise but wanted to say how much I feel for you. It is such a difficult situation. You sound very sensible, I am sure you will do the right thing (or as right as possible). I know this type of thing can happen to any family. It is no reflection on your parenting. I hate drugs.
Good luck. (keep looking for the money, the best outcome would be if you found it)

[brighterfuture]

Thanks for all the posts sharing your own experiences, especially those whose Dc have stolen from them. It really helps clarify things for me to hear how those situations evolved . Thanks Flow for telling me how it was with your ds Thanks also to everyone for the suggestions/ advice about where the money might be.

I really appreciate that some of you recognise that its not always possible to stop a child taking drugs. Those of us whose dc are on a destructive path are often going to extraordinary lengths in our parenting roles and need empathy more than judgement. Your kind words Cahootz really touched me.

I have talked to all my dc about what the consequences of losing the money are for all of us. Its a fine line between making them understand the gravity of the situation without wanting to overly worry and stress them, whilst at the same time hoping if there is a guilty party they will be shamed into doing the right thing.

Innocent until proven guilty.... and as I keep reminding myself its only money >cries into pillow

[Footface]

Hi op,

My ss used to steal from his family and like you we often gave him the benefit of doubt as we never really had any solid evidence. He was also on drugs and I agree there's not a lot you can do to stop someone once they are on the path of self destruction.

Whenever we tried to discuss things he would turn the subject to be about our lack of trust in him rather than the missing money.

The thing is its not just about money it's about the total lack of respect shown and it feel awful to live with someone who could do that to his family.

My only advice would be to turn your room and then his room upside down until you find evidence at least then you can meet the issues head on rather than skirt around the issue like we did.