Am I the only parent round here who gives a toss?

[Anotherteendrama]

Because it bloody well feels like it (and when I say round here, I mean locally, not MN!)

We had a bit of a drama during the school holidays, which involved parties and lying.

What happened was that dd's friend's mum and step dad went away on holiday, leaving the friend to stay with a relative.
The friend decided to have a party, to which my dd was invited. The mum and stepdad found out about it on their return. The party was usual teenage stuff, fortunately it hadn't got out of hand or anything, but the parents were understandably very upset that it had happened.

The first we knew that there had been a party was when I received a phonecall from the stepdad. As far as we had been aware, it had been a school holiday sleepover at the friends house, but we were obviously not aware of the parents being away. To compound matters, it would seem that my dd (bloody fool) had been the one to go to the shop to get the booze.

As a result of the phone call, I very calmly took dd to the friend's house and she apologised to the parents.
Dd received quite a lecture from the step dad, which I wasn't entirely comfortable with, but hey, she was in the wrong.
We left their house with the parents assuring me that their dd was to be punished etc, and they were eating in touch with as many other parents as they could.
Dd had phone/ laptop etc removed, and has been grounded . Dh, who's quite a mild mannered guy can barely look at her.

Dd returned to school after the holidays, and it turns out we appear to be the only parents who were contacted, and the friend who hosted the party hasn't had any form of punishment/removal of privileges.

To say I'm livid is an understatement!

Please don't think that I think we've punished dd unfairly-she did wrong and seems to have to learn the hard way about losing our trust.

I won't, but I really feel like having strong words with the stepdad about how he spoke to dd, and the barely disguised contempt he treated me with.
I really want to stamp my feet and shout that had his bloody stepdaughter not gone behind THEIR back and provided the venue, there would have been no party and we wouldn't be in this situation.

I really don't know which way to go with this. We still feel we can't trust dd, her pals appear to be sticking their collective fingers up at their parents, who seem to want to be their kids friends rather than parents, but equally I don't want to alienate dd from what is, in the main, a group of kids who really aren't bad, just daft.

How on earth am I supposed to move forward with this??

Well done if you got to the end of this!

Is your information coming from the other kids? Do you expect them to tell the truth about a punishment?

I think you should draw a line under the whole episode. DD has apologised, and has served a punishment. You need to forgive her.

This is the thing, I've got the information from various sources, and because of this, it does ring true.
I'm not going to the stepdad about it, much as I feel like it, as I know it won't achieve anything.
I don't even really know what my own feelings are! I know I'm pissed off at the SD, but that's not my dd's fault. I also feel aggrieved that we've punished dd, almost unfairly as she's the only one out of a dozen kids who HAS had any form of sanction. Don't get me wrong though, there has been a breach of trust and we can't ignore that.
I just don't know what or how to,think

Can anyone else help me with this?

how old are they?

But she was the only one who broke the law and bought the alcohol. So, it's fair that she receives the punishment, because this is how the law works. It's not illegal for teenagers to drink alcohol at a party, it is illegal to buy it if you are under eighteen.

You can't control how other people parent their children, and to be fair, if they hosts parents have asked "who bought the alcohol?" And the answer is your daughter , well, that is why all the parents are cross with her.

This used to happen with my boys I was always strict and imposed sanctions whilst others seemed to get away with it.
Firstly you did the right thing and your dd will be better for it.
Secondly maybe you should have a conversation with the sd and say you don't appreciate the fact that your dd seems to be the only one being blamed and punished here.
Thirdly I'd take dd out for a lovely dinner and tell her you are proud of her for accepting the punishment and that you are sorry it seems she has been blamed. Tell her that next time she wants to do anything like this to run it by you and you will help her make a sensible decision.
Draw a line under it for her now she has been punished its now over.

re the host not punishing their child - I'm afraid I think you just have to let it go.

you've done the right thing by your child by giving them the strong message that what they did was unacceptable.

If the other parents fail to do that for their child, there's nothing you can do about that.

I'd probably contact the other parents though. If they don't know anything - they should.

although - would that mean they would take it out on your daughter? If she'd likely lose friends, you may just have to be content that your own child has learned a lesson.

Re the arse of a stepdad - don't let him bother you. If he gives you the gob again, tell him to wind his neck in. I wonder if he's one of these blokes who laid into you because you're a woman but would have been far more polite to a man.

[massive assumption emoticon]

The hardest thing, when you feel there's been an injustice, is to get over it I know. I am still fighting to stop resentments from 20 year old injustices from annoying me It's not easy but you have to put it behind you, see you did the right thing for your daughter, not compare it to how the other girl was treated and write off the stepdad as a twat.

They're all 15.
Colditz, I thought I was harsh, but that's a bit strong isn't it?

So if your child had lied to you about where they were going and what they were doing there, that would be ok, as long as they weren't the one who went for the booze?
Incidentally, they all chipped in the money for said booze, she was just the mug who physically went for it- I am, and she has been made well aware of the legalities.

The responsibility for the party lies with the daughter and the relative in charge of her really, not your daughter, who might have disappointed you with her behaviour, but didn't organise this.

However, your daughter transgressed the standards expected in your family and surely that is why you dealt with her as you did? I can understand you are annoyed and embarrassed that she and you were told off by the girl's stepfather, but are you saying that if you had known there would be no sanctions from other parents that you would have dealt with your own daughter much differently?

I don't think she did anything very dreadful and would ask her to check with you in any future such scenarios, but I'd forget it now. I think you were right to show her your disapproval, and are good parents for doing so. Keep that in mind and forget the others' parenting skills.

I agree with Colditz. I'm presuming your DD is under 18 (if not, everyone's hugely overreacting!), so by buying alcohol she was breaking the law, putting the shop at risk of losing its license, and putting the employee at risk of getting a huge fine. Of course, the shop was at fault too.

Noone else really did anything wrong - apart from the girl whose house it was. Rightly or wrongly, the person that buys alcohol illegally tends to be seen as the ringleader.

sorry x posted with others who have said similar things

You can't decide how other people's children should be punished by their own parents. If you insist on being angry because other people aren't doing things the way you want to do them, you're going to be angry a longtime.

And I don't think that "don't be the mug who breaks the law for their friends" is a bad lesson for your fifteen year old to learn

I think you fail to realise that if one of the kids died of alcohol poisoning it would have been the fault of the person who bought the alcohol and come to think of it broke the law!

We cannot legislate how others bring up their kids.
I for example would have made contact with the friends my daughter was staying with beforehand... Just to make sure it was ok.

slipshoshod our sanctions on our daughter wouldn't have been any different had the other kids been slung in jail and the key thrown away!

What I'm struggling with is that we seem to be the only parents who think it's wrong that a 15 year old child, because legally, that's what they all are, lies about where they're going and what they're doing, and drinks a shed load of alcohol while they're doing it.

I should clarify that when she went to the shop, she asked some random stranger to go into the shop and purchase said booze, she'd not get served, even by the most naive person. Unfortunately this is a common thing in this area.

I do get the impressment that the SD could be a bit of a misogynistic twat, and I'm also aware that there could be some stepfamily dynamics going on that I don't want to get pulled into.

What I'm hearing, and I'm willing to listen to and take on board, is that I need to get over myself a bit re the injustice I'm feeling. Those of you who have picked up on this are perceptive, as it is something I have previous for!

It sounds like your DD's friend may have used her as a scapegoat, to get herself off the hook with her SD.

Unfortunately, though, as others have said, you can only parent your own DC, not other people's.

I do think you need to just rise above it. Easier said than done, I know.

I'm starting to feel a little defensive here, and feel I should point out that it's notan offence for a minor to buy alcohol, it's an offence to sell alcohol to a minor.

Your DH can still barely look at her? Really? My parents were like this over everything, total overreaction and it damaged our relationship right up into my thirties, till I had my own children and bridges were built. I certainly could never have run anything by them or asked for their advice about anything at all. I am sorry but I don't think it's massive enough that her father should not be able to look at her. Way to make yourselves totally unapproachable.

Oh and step father sounds like a bossy twat who likes dishing out the bollockings. Most likely it's best not to say anything to him for peace and harmony etc, but I probably would.

Would you, Silence for a 15yo?

I wouldn't for my 13 and 11 yo DDs.

I suppose if they had shown themselves to be so untrustworthy as the OP's DD has done, I might need to in the future. But, equally, hopefully she has learned her lesson, and won't need to be checked up on, in future.

Yes it is an offence for someone under eighteen to purchase alcohol.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/l_to_o/licensing_of_alcohol/#purchase

I also think you have to let this go tbh. You don't know what's happened in other house holds - keep reminding yourself of that. Your (justifiable) sense of injustice may well be based on incorrect facts.

I do empathise with your feelings towards the SD - I'd hate another adult to be unpleasant to my children however much they deserved it. If the subject ever comes up with your dd, it may benefit her to hear that you think he went ott and that you didn't appreciate it.

Tbh, the thing that jumped out at me about this story is your dd's 'friend's dobbing her in as the one who asked someone else to buy the alcohol - presumably her friends put in some money for it and her behind her doing, so seems a bit mean to lay the blame on her!

How does she feel about this?

Also after your dd is being scapegoated here as she is the one that purchased the alcohol. I well remember how I would have played that one as a teenager. "Well I didn't buy it! Someone just turned up with it, I didn't even want any!"

I wouldn't do it because I don't trust them, I think it is manners.

Agree not after.