As a father do I deserve my 19yo daughter back in my life?

[lostfather]

I am going to be more honest than I have ever been with anyone in hope to get understanding from 'the other side'.

My daughter was 8 when her mother and I split after I had an affair. I packed up and left one day unannounced. I had an affair with a woman who was 20 at the time. We are still together and have other children. Our divorce was messy and adversly affected my daughter. After I left contact with my daughter (and my son) was infrequent, I cut myself off for a period of time and moved to the USA for a few months as things were incredibly stressful. In many ways USA was an escape. When I saw my daughter her behaviour was incredibly bad and she was very angry at me. I felt my wife was attempting to encourage my daughter to dislike me. Things declined more and more to the point I couldn't deal with her behaviour and I began getting angry at her and impatient. My daughter began scared of me, not letting me touch her or come too near, she'd dread seeing me.

After a year or so and court ruling I no longer had the right to regular contact or custody of my children. Seeing them was damaging for them. I was devestated. I had re-married by this point and had more children, we began a new life in a different part of the UK and chose a very different lifestyle. I think this further seperated and somewhat scared my daughter.

By the time my daughter was 11 contact had completely stopped, I always wrote letters, sent presents and took interest in them. I got updates from their mother on how they were doing but recieved little from them other than the odd, very formal, thank you letter. I made it clear in my letters how sorry i was and how much I loved them.

When my daughter was 16 she made contact with me asking me to explain things from my perspective, we exchanged letters about it all and she explained wanting to move on and try and re-gain our relationship. I was so happy. In our letters she showed me her perspective. She was so hurt how I had left and treated her mother and felt I had no understanding of how she wouldbe feeling so I got angry at her. She felt I had completely ruined her childhood and the way she makes relationships with people and views herself and life. She thinks the way I treated her was mental and physical abuse and she'd never trust me again as I broke so many promises and told so many lies. I took on this perspective and tried to explain to her I could partly see where she was coming from, but that also her mother had played a part in stopping her seeing me. I sent an email one day asking her if I could talk to her mother about things, this was when she was 17, and she got very angry that I couldnt treat her as an adult and respect her and told me to stop contacting her. Since then I've heard barely anything, I got the message loud and clear I am unwanted. I sent a text asking to meet up and got a message back explaining how she did not want to persue things with me and was settled and loving uni and had a new life and happiness and did not need me.

I can see via facebook (we aren't friends but can see basic info/photos etc) and know via family she is now at a top uni persuing her dream course, has gained a huge amount of confidence and is thriving. She loves going out, has had a long term boyfriend and seems to be doing just fine. I am so proud of her, but at the same time so hurt I am not part of her life. I feel such a failure and useless.

*when I say my wife in the first paragraph, I mean my ex-wife. Apologies.

You left
You moved to the USA
You moved to a different part of the UK
You treated your daughter with anger & impatience to the extent she became frightened to be near you.
Your behaviour towards your children from your first marriage was so bad that courts deemed contact to be harmful for the children.

But all the above is your ex wife's fault?

Seriously?

I am so very sorry for you and hope things work out with your daughter. Clearly she feels very unhappy and blames you for a lot of this. I am sure you made mistakes, indeed you admit this, but I think it does you credit that you always wrote letters, sent presents, etc. You did your best to keep in touch and let your daughter know that you loved her, even though you must have gradually become a stranger to her. (BTW you don't mention how your relationship with your son is? Do you have contact with him?)

Your daughter wasn't a adult at 16/17. She was a hurt, stroppy, emotional teen. It sounds like she wanted you to admit that everything wrong in her life was entirely your fault and wasn't able to accept that often life isn't as black and white as that. She didn't really want your excuses - she just wanted to tell you what a terrible dad you'd been and how you'd ruined her life.

I can't tell you whether you deserve to have your daughter in your life or whether she will ever be willing to let you in. What I can say is that you seem to be a man who has made mistakes (as we all do) and that you accept this and would like to try and repair the damage. I certainly wouldn't say that you DON'T deserve your daughter. It seems to me on reading your story that you are a basically decent chap who would love to know his children but doesn't.

Please bear in mind that your daughter is still a teenager - and still that hurt little girl, probably. You may not yet get the adult response you would like from her. I think if it were me I would be tempted to write her a letter letting her know how proud you are of her, how much you love her and saying that you accept she may not want you in her life, but that the door is always open. Tell her that if at any point in the future she would like to get to know you then you would welcome her. She may not respond, but one day when she is older - perhaps with children of her own she may wish to get in touch. Best wishes.

Is this an AIBU?

Do you deserve your daughter back in your life? Well, I don't know - that's up to her, isn't it? I'm rather chilled at your acknowledgement that your daughter was scared of you, and that the courts stopped your contact with both children - what the hell were you doing to get that outcome?

My father was a violent, promiscuous alcoholic who abandoned us. Unlike you, he never sent letters or presents. He very rarely came to see us - maybe once a year. My mum was desperate for him to have a relationship with us, so tried not to provoke him - for example, by asking for child support (no, he never paid any), or reproaching him when he broke yet another promise to see us. When I was in my late teens he suddenly decided he did want a relationship, and since then has lavished in a mudbath of entitlement, constantly slightly indignant that we don't do enough for him or his new wife.

We are still in touch - in fact, more than ever before - because I have children, and I want them to know their grandfather. That may be the path your daughter takes back to you. On the other hand, be aware that having her own children may unleash new waves of anger in her. It did in me: I started being much less understanding, thinking, "How the hell could anybody treat their children like that?" I'm angry every time he implies I'm not a dutiful enough daughter. I'm furious every time I see his new wife with a black eye. But I kind of keep the thing going for my children. I long ago gave up hope that I would have a relationship with my dad; I've settled for a charade.

I hope things turn out better for you. Be aware of how irritating it will be to her to hear your excuses, that you were 'stressed' or busy with the other children or whatever. Be prepared for it to take time.

I rather agree with Fuzzy.
However, if you truly want to be in her life, you have to show consistency. Send Xmas cards, birthday cards etc every year, don't forget, keep her updated on significant family news, house moves etc. If you show that you're not going to give up on her again (like you did when she was younger) she may decide to get back in touch at some point.
At 19 you can't expect her to be the adult in the relationship, she's allowed to still be pissed off with you, you were a crap dad. She's still very young, you do need to treat her like an adult but understand that she may not behave/think like one yet.
Leave the past in the past, what her mother did or didn't do is pointless to discuss. Your relationship is now with her, not her mother.

My perspective on this is as a daughter who barely saw her father since the age of 8, as he thought that out of sight = out of mind, then expected me to be 'the bigger person' when he contacted me at 19. So, I have sympathy for your DD!

Behave like a dad, not a needy ex, and she might rethink a relationship in the future.

Do you deserve your dd back in your life?

Ultimately there is no 'test' or judgement to rely on. That's the nature of human relationships.

If your daughter is saying 'no' right now, then that's it. No litmus test. No other great court of judgement.

If you think you are being harshly done by that's a different question. And you'd like a positive answer.

When I was 19 my father who had been absent most of my life tried to regain contact. I wasn't ready, I was scared of him ( and men in general) there was never any abuse or anything like that. However he took my refusal as a rejection , any of my attempts since have been blanked. We don't have a relationship and never will. I am 42 now . Give her time , she might come round one day.

"My daughter was 8 when ... I packed up and left one day unannounced."
"Our divorce was messy and adversely affected my daughter."
"After I left contact with my daughter (and my son) was infrequent, I cut myself off for a period of time and moved to the USA for a few months"
"I couldn't deal with her behaviour and I began getting angry at her and impatient."
" My daughter began scared of me ... she'd dread seeing me."
"she'd never trust me again as I broke so many promises and told so many lies."
"I could partly see where she was coming from"

Frankly no, you don't deserve her back in your life. You fucked off unannounced and started a new family rather than stay with her. (That's how children feel in these circumstances. Abandoned. Personally.) And even now, it's all about you, you, you. How you feel hurt. How you feel such a failure. Read again what she told you when she was 16/17. Were you even listening to her at the time? She gave you a last chance and you could only partly see what she was saying and were still trying to blame your ex. You seem to think that sending presents and letters means you did your bit. You didn't.

You don't get to bask in her reflected glory, because you did not put the work in to get her where she is now. Your daughter and your ex did that. All by themselves, because that's how you left them.

I very much doubt that your daughter wants to hear you blaming anything on her Mum. Please bear in mind that you were the one who left and her Mum was the constant.

From a mums point of view I never say negative things about my ex to or in front of the kids. My kids hate going to their Dads because he is constantly bad mouthing me and my dh. He, like you, blames me for turning the kids against him.

IME, and I was once that child caught in the middle, the person lamenting that they have had their kids turned against them is normally actually responsible for it themselves.

Now, your little girl needs her dad. She loves you and wants you in her life but she's angry and hurt. If you want to forge a relationship with her you are going to have to suck it up I'm afraid. Take the anger she directs at you but don't retaliate in any way.

I also think your question should not be what you deserve but whether you can be the father she deserves.

I'm not sure you deserve to have a DD who seems to have grown into such a successful and well-balanced young woman. You certainly don't seem to have contributed anything positive to her development.

However you can and should be very proud of her.

Now you must let her, as an adult, decide if there is anything more she hopes to gain from having a relationship with you. It is her choice now and I don't think you or I have the right to judge the choice she makes.

I'm going to say no. You haven't acted much like a 'father' have you? You abandoned her, lied and went off to have another family leaving her with the mother alone. You have no rights.

She's an adult now. And it's up to HER not you if she wants a relationship.

It's her call. After what you did, I'd be not surprised if she didn't want to see you again.

No, frankly you don't deserve her back in your life. Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities and you abandoned yours fairly royally, didn't you?

She doesn't owe you anything, she has made the incredibly mature decision that she is happier without you in her life. Believe me, this is a very hard decision to make.

You treated her mother incredibly badly. Her mother was there for her when you weren't. Instead of being there for her you frightened her and upset her to the point that a court decided it wasn't in her interest to see you. Her mother never frightened her, her mother never abandoned her, no body officially ever decided that she was unfit to regularly parent her child. Yet you are seeking to blame her mother for your behaviour? You may have had the "feeling" that her mother tried to damage the relationship but your daughter has proof that you DID damage the relationship.

Of course you're hurt that you aren't in her life any more but she doesn't owe you anything. There is no rule that we have to have relationships with people who have damaged us.

I wonder how you will respond to the replies you are given here? Will you acknowledge that you have fucked up and that your daughter has the right not to be in contact with you? Or will you be angry with us for not seeing your POV?

FWIW I cut off contact for a few years from my father. I only got it contact with him after I had a DD of my own. Our relationship is pretty good now but ONLY because he treats me as an adult who is able to make her own decisions. He has also apologised unreservedly for his actions and said he wishes he had done things differently with my mother.

Good luck.

You're asking the wrong question. The question is, does your daughter deserve to have you back in her life?

As parents, we put their needs first. Your need is to have her in your life. Her need, for now, anyway, is for you to leave her alone. To be allowed to forget the colossal pain and damage you chose to inflict upon a very vulnerable child you were meant to cherish and protect. I'm sorry, but as far as I can see you are still thinking of your own needs. It hurts you not to see her, so you want to. That's your problem. If you keep making it hers, the decision to cut you out will be permanent.

If I were you, I would write to her one final time, just saying that you want to respect her wishes but that you love her and the door is always open should she want contact. I would not get into anything else, or make it long winded. Leave it at that. If you do, she may come back in time - but she may not. We only get one childhood, and while all of us find our parents' fallibility tough to face up to, she had to do that very young indeed. And I'm sorry, but it looks a lot as if all she associates you with is pain. Why would she want that in her life?

I'm sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear. But you can't always fix damage you create. You made choices, she was damaged, and this is your price now. Please respect her wishes.

"I got the message loud and clear, I wasn't wanted..."

Just like your daughter then.

Listen to what she has told you. She is hurt. She does not want to see you. This may or may not change in the future. She has asked that you treat her as an adult. Please listen to her. You are luckily that you got to see her on Fb. If you need to do something then continue to write her letters but keep them. One day in the future she may well want to see you and you can then show her how you constantly thought of her this will mean something as I'm sure she has a feeling of not being thought of.

Your daughter sounds brilliant. No, you don't deserve her. What about your son? (The other one you abandoned)

No, you don't 'deserve' a relationship with your daughter. Love grows like a plant and withers if it's not tended, and you haven't looked after your daughter or her needs and feelings over the years. Respect is earned, and you haven't earned it (yet?). The question is whether you can become a father to your daughter, meeting her needs not yours - then your relationship with her might grow...

No you don't.

You remind me of my bio dad who is a total dick. I don't see him at all and don't want too.

Your daughter is doing what she feels right and I don't blame her.

All the above posters are basically saying the same thing. Your daughter is not some kind of privilege to be restored to you if you behave well enough or are repentant enough: she is a human being and an adult who has to decide for herself who she wants in her life and what she feels able to cope with. It is not about merit.

Having said this, there will be ways in which you can show your love- as indeed you have been doing. And it is possible that her decision is not irreversible. But it will have to be just that- her decision.

No. It's a shame since you think you've changed, but any GOOD Father will put their daughters emotional health first as well as their wishes as adults.

The best way to fulfil that roll now is to stay away until/unless invited.

Nope, you don't deserve her. You treated her badly, put your own needs first and now you're all pouty lipped because she won't play ball when you want her too. I'd have told you to fuck off, personally.

"She felt I had completely ruined her childhood and the way she makes relationships with people and views herself and life."

This is so huge. Can you see from this what you've done? Can you even start to comprehend the damage you caused, not just by having an affair and leaving without warning, but by your subsequent behaviour?

And now she's overcome all the barriers you threw in her path, you want to play the doting father? Would you be so interested if her life wasn't going so well?

All that aside, she is an adult and you have no choice but to respect her decision. By the way, continuing to bang on about how it wasn't all your fault but actually partly her mother's is going to get you precisely nowhere. Have you stopped and thought what it feels like to have a partner move out with no warning and then to find out they have gone off with someone little older than a child? There are many threads on here if you want to really try to understand.

Why did you bring her mother into things? YOU chose to leave unannounced. YOU chose to remarry. YOU chose to move to the USA. No matter what the reasons and that's as black and white as children see things.

When your DD has children she will struggle even more to understand what you did. You left her and that's all there is to it. How you felt and your excuses count for absolutely nothing. You are her parent and you walked away, the worst kind of betrayal.

If you want her in your life again, I hope to god you have changed over the years and are no longer as selfish as you come across as being back then. What's done is done but FGS if she does choose to have contact with you don't fuck her up anymore than you have done. I agree with the OP that says to write a final letter leaving the door open. Frankly though, you don't deserve her, no. Speaking as someone who's mother moved away and left me from the age of two until I was a teen. Simply put, you have a hell of a lot of making up to do, if she chooses to let you.