As a father do I deserve my 19yo daughter back in my life?

[lostfather]

I am going to be more honest than I have ever been with anyone in hope to get understanding from 'the other side'.

My daughter was 8 when her mother and I split after I had an affair. I packed up and left one day unannounced. I had an affair with a woman who was 20 at the time. We are still together and have other children. Our divorce was messy and adversly affected my daughter. After I left contact with my daughter (and my son) was infrequent, I cut myself off for a period of time and moved to the USA for a few months as things were incredibly stressful. In many ways USA was an escape. When I saw my daughter her behaviour was incredibly bad and she was very angry at me. I felt my wife was attempting to encourage my daughter to dislike me. Things declined more and more to the point I couldn't deal with her behaviour and I began getting angry at her and impatient. My daughter began scared of me, not letting me touch her or come too near, she'd dread seeing me.

After a year or so and court ruling I no longer had the right to regular contact or custody of my children. Seeing them was damaging for them. I was devestated. I had re-married by this point and had more children, we began a new life in a different part of the UK and chose a very different lifestyle. I think this further seperated and somewhat scared my daughter.

By the time my daughter was 11 contact had completely stopped, I always wrote letters, sent presents and took interest in them. I got updates from their mother on how they were doing but recieved little from them other than the odd, very formal, thank you letter. I made it clear in my letters how sorry i was and how much I loved them.

When my daughter was 16 she made contact with me asking me to explain things from my perspective, we exchanged letters about it all and she explained wanting to move on and try and re-gain our relationship. I was so happy. In our letters she showed me her perspective. She was so hurt how I had left and treated her mother and felt I had no understanding of how she wouldbe feeling so I got angry at her. She felt I had completely ruined her childhood and the way she makes relationships with people and views herself and life. She thinks the way I treated her was mental and physical abuse and she'd never trust me again as I broke so many promises and told so many lies. I took on this perspective and tried to explain to her I could partly see where she was coming from, but that also her mother had played a part in stopping her seeing me. I sent an email one day asking her if I could talk to her mother about things, this was when she was 17, and she got very angry that I couldnt treat her as an adult and respect her and told me to stop contacting her. Since then I've heard barely anything, I got the message loud and clear I am unwanted. I sent a text asking to meet up and got a message back explaining how she did not want to persue things with me and was settled and loving uni and had a new life and happiness and did not need me.

I can see via facebook (we aren't friends but can see basic info/photos etc) and know via family she is now at a top uni persuing her dream course, has gained a huge amount of confidence and is thriving. She loves going out, has had a long term boyfriend and seems to be doing just fine. I am so proud of her, but at the same time so hurt I am not part of her life. I feel such a failure and useless.

Without knowing you or your daughter I do believe everyone should have a second chance. But it is up to your daughter whether she gives you that opportunity. She may not want to at the moment, she may change her mind in the future. I'm afraid you just have to wait and see what she decides.

Maybe a letter once more, heartfelt, telling her how proud you are and that you will always love her but will respect her wishes with regard to contact, but that you will ALWAYS be there (even if you weren't in the past) when and if she needs you.

What about her brother? Is contact with him good?

The word 'deserve' suggests you believe in some external power who will make and enforce this decision for you. There isn't one. Your daughter is free to choose whether to develop any relationship with you.

It must be very frustrating after years of doing what you want to realise you are not in control and at the mercy of others' unpredictable, uncontrollable wishes. Perhaps that gives you the tiniest bit of insight into the reality of your daughter's childhood.

A relationship with someone isn't something you "deserve",like a raise at work or whatever,you can't look at recent behavior as if it cancels out the past,because the effects of the past are still there.

You've treated your daughter badly over the years,and even when you reestablish contact you are angry with her because her attitude wasn't what you wanted? (And when her behavior wasn't acceptable to you when she was little too - you were the adult,it was your job as her Dad to deal appropriately with that behavior,not to get angry and scare her. you'd left her - did you really expect no anger and fantastic behavior when you met again??)

You've created this situation,and now you have to deal with it,and accept that because of your behavior your daughter doesn't want contact with you.Perhaps she will at some point in the future,and all you can do is wait - and consider how you can make knowing you a positive thing for her if that happens.

You are a selfish, self centred twat and a pathetic excuse for a father.

Hth.

OP your daughter is now a similar age to your second wife when you met her. You viewed your second wife as an adult then, please view your daughter as one now.

I can understand why she was angry that you wanted to talk to her mum - she may not even have told her mum that she was in touch in case her mum was hurt, or she may have known contact from you would upset her
Mum and saw it as a matter between you two that she was exploring for herself.

I second posters saying send a "door is always open" letter and give her some time. She may get in touch after uni, or when she plans marriage, or when she plans kids. It's her decision and would be her decision as an adult whatever you had or hadn't done.

Have you been in touch with your DS? I'd suggest that you make similar efforts with him if not so he doesn't feel you are playing favourites.

I think the OP is receiving some very harsh comments here. Life isn't easy, people make mistakes. He's asking for advice, not insults. I speak as someone who has been the daughter in this situation.

But arthur, the daughter gets to make the decision, surely?

I think even if the OP had been a model parent, his daughter would get to decide. Of course if he'd been a model parent and had had so little contact for so long it would be incredibly sad and I'm sure we would all be hugely sympathetic, but he still wouldn't have any right/deservingness of a relationship because IMO that's not how it works.

I do think it is very clear he hasn't been a model parent and I think there's a limit to how much you can excuse by calling it a 'mistake'. 'Mistake' sounds as if he accidentally did all of this. Well, no, clearly he didn't. He may regret his decisions bitterly but that doesn't change them and if one of the consequences is his DD doesn't want to have him in her life, that's for him to cope with. It's not something he should feel she ought to change her mind about.

YY LRD.

Could you explain why you blamed her mother for the fact that you mentally and physically abused her?

Also, where is her brother now?

YY LRD.

Arthur surely it's only ok to blame it all on a mistake if you take responsibility for your own actions in the mistake. Saying, "well, I made a mistake but it's your mums fault tooooo" doesn't actually make you sound like you're very sorry.

The only way I can see forward for the OP is to apologise - completely and unreservedly - and ask that she can one day forgive him.

She doesn't have to accept the apology though - his behaviour has obviously damaged her - and he should accept that too if he accepts responsibility for his actions.

You have followed your own path for over 10 years, doing exactly what you wanted and showing no remorse or compassion for your child.

Now you feel sorry for yourself because that same child wants nothing to do with the man that abandoned her, replaced her, mentally and physically abused her.

Grow up matey. You had your chance. You blew it. If I were her, I wouldnt want anything to do with you either. The fact that she has rejected you and has managed to go to uni and start a great life for herself, in spite of your dreadful behaviour, is a testament to the fantastic job her mother did raising her.

You dont get to reap those rewards and play happy families now. Its not your choice. We reap what we sow.

I was 12 when my dad left for another woman. They moved away and had more children, he didn't bother with me and my siblings for a long time and after a couple of years began to have contact with my younger brother and sister but not me. I was old enough to realise what he had done and was angry and resentful about him hurting my mother. Then he took one of my siblings away with him and didn't bring her back for months.

I didn't have anything to do with them (him and his new wife and children) for years. They never tried to keep in contact with me either. I did however invite them to my wedding, he was my father after all. Except he didn't turn up and I walked myself down the aisle. Then we had no contact again for ages.

When my first child was born he didn't approve of the name I choose and refused to speak to me for years. He ignored me and my children in the street.

Only over the last year since I have had dc3 have I made contact with him again (after 8 years of no contact) mainly incase he dies and I feel guilty for not trying I go round every few months with the dc, drink tea, listen to him rewrite history. He never calls me between visits, I don't even think he knows where I live. He did come to my dcs Christening though which was a first! He has photos of us on the walls. He still refers to his dd with his wife as his eldest child though. My siblings have nothing to do with him.

Maybe in time she will be open to having a conversation with you - my dad and I have never spoken about it, we have a polite, superficial relationship, easier that way. It does sound like you let them down so badly though, physical and mental abuse?

It doesn't sound to me like you deserve a relationship with your daughter at all. Why do you want to pursue one? Is it because she is doing so well without you, do you want to take some kind of credit? How is the situation any different now than when it was when she was a child and you chose your new family over her?

You need to grow the fuck up, to be frank. She's already said you've ruined her childhood; don't ruin her adulthood too. You made your choice, you don't get to change your mind now that she's responsible for herself and there would be less work for you. Leave her alone, don't darken her bloody doorstep.

HTH

I think your daughter is being incredibley mature in her decision to have no more contact with you. Too many young women are desperate for attention and approval and will allow themselves to be treated very poorly by men in pursuit of this. At 17 years old your daughter is clearly stating that she will not allow this to be her path. She has the courage and self respect to choose the life long pain of having no father over the life long torture of having an inconsistent and largely absent father who dictates the terms of the relationship as it suits him.

I am glad that you have started to see the error of your ways, but i think you still have quite a distance to travel on this road. You are under the impression that her mother has turned her against you, but i think you are kidding yourself. Its understandable that you would as its far easier to think that a bitter ex has made your daughter dislike and distrust you, rather than realise that you did that all by yourself.

I imagine your daughter is not only insulted by your insistence that she is not in control of her own mind and that her thoughts and feelings have been implanted some how by her mum; but she is also deeply offended that you would suggest her mother - the parent who stuck with her through thick and thin, the one who nursed her when she was sick, paid for everrything she ever needed in life, supported her education so that she could get to university and created the caring and loving environment that allowed your daughter to flourish into the mature, sensible and assertive young woman she seems to be today - is in some way at fault for your abandonment of the whole family.

Please leave your daughter be, she has made her feelings clear if you truely love her you will respect that.

Perhaps one day she will choose to seek you out and have a relationship, that will be your opportunity to show her how much you have changed and how your love for her is unconditional.

In the mean time use your developing insight to ensure that you never treat another child of yours in this way.

You left, she was scared of you, the court deemed you unfit and cut contact. Yet you blame her mother. Imo you do not deserve to be a part of her life. And i'm speaking from personal experience!

Why does your daughter mention mental and physical abuse?

Btw, you threw away your opportunity to establish a relationship with your grown-up daughter two years ago when, instead of giving her your perspective as requested (she may well have wanted only this, as a way of understanding the past and putting it behind her, not any continuing relationship but, had she found any grounds for sympathy you'd have had a chance) you contacted her mother instead of dealing with her directly.

All you can do us keep sending birthday and Christmas cards wishing her well and letting her know, simply and openly, what you're up to, without any expectation, and maybe she'll decide, in 5, 10 or 20 years that she's interested in contacting you. Maybe she won't. If she does it may be only to understand how such a great family as hers could have come in part from such poor roots.

So you find out that your daughter has got into a top uni, then you decide you want contact back?

Why? To give yourself a pat on the back while doing the proud father act?

So OP, be a decent human being for once and respect her wishes and leave her alone.

Having been a child of divorce (very similar situation) and my exDH had an affair (also v similar) and walked out eventually loosing the relationship with his children, all I can say is you have absolutely no clue the damage you have done. No you don't 'deserve' her.

I can't expand much on OPs, they seem to have covered it from all angles.

All I can say is commenting on the comment your DD made to you about how your actions affect her so deeply and her relationships with others.
I found it very hard to trust others, expecially men and partners as I was growing up. When I got older I understood more but I still expected one day them to walk out and disappear. While on the outside I could be a brihgt, confident, successful uni student, on the inside it took a very long time to change the patterns of thinking my fathers actions had left me with. I had little self-worth or trust in others, I expected things to go wrong so often, and when they did i believed it was always my fault.

You will never be ever to understand or compensate for what you have inflicted on your daughter, you have made some serious errors and cannot blame anyone but yourself. I just hope you treat your other children better and never ever damage them the way you damaged your DD. (And son?)

Can't really say much but thank you for your replies. Hard to take on but I guess hit it on the nail for me, just will take time to accept this.

For the love of god don't tell her you're proud of her straight away. It pissed me off when my Dad did that. My first thought was, 'what have you got to be proud of? You didn't get me where I am today'.

You left. You cut yourself off! She and her brother were children, for God's sake. It was up to you, as the adult, to maintain contact in a meaningful way, which means seeing your children, taking them out, taking them for weekends, listening when they talk, being there for them.
Sending cards and presents and doing nothing else is pathetic, to be frank. I have school friends that I have that sort of contact with, if that was all I had with my children I would like I had failed.
And courts don't just decide it's best for the children not to see their Dad on a whim.
What are you leaving out?

Hmph, DDs father did this, 17 years AWOL then facebooked her with so proud of you, your mother took you away (bollocks, he moved to Australia! still there) blah not my fault, have loved you every day, you mother is..... couldnt pay as had no money.......

Floored and devestated her, she didnt want to know. I was so cross with him, because if he had started with a really sincere sorry he might just of got a second chance with a most amazing, beautiful girl.

What a bloody fool

No, you don't deserve her back in your life. I'm glad you understand that now.