Should I have thrown my 18 year old son out?

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18 year old son has been great kid until he finished A levels in June and since then has had attitude that 'I'm 18, I'm leaving home soon and I can do as I like'. He's been a pain all summer. We have few house rules, are very close family, but the most basic rule is that boyfriends/girlfriends may stay over, but in spare room. Last weekend we were away and made it plain to kids (after party last time they were left alone) that we were locking up and they had to stay with grandparents - we didn't want any of them in house. Son told GPs load of lies about where he was going, disappeared for two days and basically let himself into our house and spent weekend with a girl he had picked up. He then left for new job 100 miles away. We were fuming. He came home Fri night, was a bit shame faced when we told him how furious we were then went out Sat and returned (after we were in bed) with same girl and took her to bed. I got up for a drink, realised situation and knocked on his door and told him she was to be out in 5 mins. He then left with her. When he returned today I told him to pack his stuff, he was no longer welcome in our home as he couldn't obey the rules and I would drive him to his new flat. He basically couldn't give a monkeys. I've told him he is welcome to phone and visit but that we won't have him stay over again until he apologises and agrees to respect our house rules. His younger brothers and sisters are devastated and keep saying 'can't he stay here anymore?' The answer is 'no, he can't'. I'm furious, hurt, upset and terrified that he won't bother keep in touch, but he has just become so arrogant and cocky that I can't bear it. I don't see why I should let him do as he likes in my home. Advice/opinions anyone?

YABVU. He is 18 years old. A lot of children have that attitude when coming up to 18 as they are excited at the prospect of independence. In reality they're usually there for a while yet . It would have been fair to be furious, to lay down the law with him and tell him this is his last chance. But what he has done does NOT justify chucking him out. He's 18 for gods sake. My children will always be welcome and will have a space in my home should they need it, no matter how old they are or what they've done.

Oh FFS.

Have a

Huge overreaction, IMHO. And you chucked a teenage girl out in the wee small hours? How did she get home?

Like it or not, your son is an adult having consensual sex. Every single teenager in the world has sneaked someone into their room against their parents' wishes. If that's the worst he's done, you're a lucky woman. It's your son's home too. You sound very dictatorial. What does your DH say?

You have done more damage to your younger children than to your teenager.
He has a job and a flat, but by throwing him out and refusing to let him back, you have shown your dependent children what happens if they break one of your rules.
If he chooses to break off contact, that will hurt them more too.
You need to find a way back from your ultimatum.

I'm afraid I'm going to join the chorus of voices saying that you behaved in an unreasonable way.

I'm particularly unimpressed by you banging on his door and telling his girlfriend to leave in the middle of the night. Unkind and unpleasantly controlling. It must have been a humiliating episode for your ds.

Hmmm...not sure I entirely agree with the comments here. It's still your home. If you set down a few simple rules, he should adhere to them. He can do as he pleases in his own flat.

I personally wouldn't want my ds1 or ds2 to "sneak" girls in and sleep with them under my roof, particularly if I was at home. It's a personal thing, but that's how I would feel and I would expect the rule not to be deliberately broken.

It would be a shame to lose contact with him (especially for your younger children), but I think you do have the right to lay down the rules in your own home and not tolerate obnoxious and cocky behaviour from another "adult"!

You're a lucky woman. Count your blessings...

• A son who has made it through to 18 without any rebellion at all (or you would not have been outraged by this)
• A son whose first rebellion is sex - not drugs or crime or violence
• A son who (so young) has a job and a flat and confidence -and therefore a constructive purpose in life and good hope for the future
• Other healthy, well-balanced children who love their brother and want him to be welcome in their home

I don't have any of these, and frankly I'm envious . With my own 17yo son, I have endured drugs, violence, theft from me, other petty crime, arrests, dropping out of education, and a whole lot more... And I have not yet thrown him out, because there is no-where else for him to go. The day I met a half-naked girl-stranger in my bathroom is now a high point - something to chuckle about, although I would much, much rather have met her in the kitchen with all her clothes on - and I just wish that was the worst I had had to experience.

If you are prepared to lose your relationship with your son over this tiny misdemeanor, then that is very sad.

And have no doubt, he will walk away quite easily to start a new life, and you and your younger children will be left behind, missing him more than he misses you.

Mum of 3 older teenage boys here. I agree with your rules and totally understand your reaction - but in the light of day when everything has calmed down you shouldn't let these incidents alienate your son from you.

He is unlikely to apologise as he has a job and flat so doesn't really need support from you and so he is likely to be seething towards you and feel angry at his humiliation in front of the girl and at being cut off so quickly.

You need to reach a compromise and tell him that whilst you were really angry with him for breaking your rules, he is still your son and you will always love him. Don't force the apology and let your other children know that with hindsight you have over-reacted.

Everyone will be losers if you continue with this stance.

I've been in similar situations with my boys, I understand how frustrating they can be and I know that they just don't 'get' the rules parents lay down.

Would also say that my opinion is coloured with the fact that he is not in the house any more - would probably be saying something different if he was still at home.

Did you consider at all about where the poor young girl would go in the middle of the night?

Or do details like how much you've 'devastated' your younger children and how you threw a teenage girl onto the streets in the middle of the night not matter because your son does what every kid does- rebel and humiliate you.

You caused a lot of damage for your need to control. Your son is not perfect and wrong for breaking the rules, but my GOD you handled this badly. You have certainly probably done serious damage to your relationship with your son. I'm only two years older than him and maturity wise, younger than him. He will be very wounded at what he perceives as your rejection. Don't be surprised if the acting out escalates.

You need to patch things up with your kid. ASAP.

I agree with the poster who said you've shown your younger children what will happen f they disobey. The irony is this attitude usually creates extremely resentful rebels beyond 'normal' rebellion.

hmmm.I am slightly on the fence here.
"18 year old son has been great kid until he finished A Levels"
wow
all credit to you and actually all credit to him too.
And that is the rub really.
He has given you no trouble until now and that is impressive on his part.
So I think he needs to be cut some slack.
He has also got a job at 18.
The problem for you mainly is that he broke what he knows is your most basic rule.
The bottom line is that he has moved out anyway,so things have changed.
You dont have to tolerate his arrogant behaviour on a daily basis.And tbh his new stance is probably temporary anyway.He sounds like to me that he is blowing off steam.One question,is his gf a good influence would you say,or did he turn arrogant before he met her.
Saying he is no longer welcome in your home,after 18 years of good behaviour on his part is actually cruel and unnecessary.

realised I came down mainly on his side as I wrote that.

Oh OP you have my full sympathy. Your rule about not having girls staying the night in your DS's room is clearly very important to you. It's your home.
Your DS broke this rule twice.
It seems we're expected to be so grateful that our teens don't go off the rails and have the patience of a saint with them these days.
IMO you've every right to be furious. You lost your temper which is a pity but it doesn't make you a bad person.
HOWEVER, you don't want to lose your son altogether ....
Good luck :)

My mother once chucked me out (for a non-issue, Ive since recognised she was controlling and abusive but at 17 I didnt understand that). I have never been able to get past the fact that she did it - I feel betrayed and very hurt. You always feel that you can rebel with your parents, test the boundaried because you know that they love you. everytime they get cross with you and set you boundaries you can see that they care about you and are trying to steer you towards a better path. Being chucked out sends the opposite message - "Im done with you". OP you need to backtrack from this stance and make it clear you love your son and just acted in the heat of the moment. 18 may be mature but he's still a teen and your love still matters to him. Push him now and you seriously risk damaging your relationship with him.

I will always say to my DC what my Nana said to me "No matter what you do, no matter how angry I am with you and how far you've strayed from the path, I will always love you and I will always stand by you, because you are my child"

Oh dear

I am a pretty strict mum to a teenager, but I wouldn't have done this, bearing in mind you say he is otherwise a good kid and given you no other trouble

Many, many thanks to all of you for the advice. Now that I have calmed down I do realise I probably over-reacted and intend to speak to him so that we can resolve this. In my defence could I just say that I knocked calmly on his door and said 'I'm locking up now, so your friend needs to go home'. The girl lives in the same town and had her car outside our house, so I hardly threw her out into the night with nowhere to go. They simply went to her parents house. You are right that I have been very lucky with his behaviour, he has been a lovely lad; however since finishing school end of May we have had 3 months of him coming in at all hours, not coming home at all, lying in bed til lunch, not lifting a finger round the house, ignoring most of the minor rules and showing no consideration for the rest of the household. This was kind of the final straw; my DD1 and DD2 who are 20 & 17 with bfs of 4 years and1 year accept that when the bfs sleep over its in the spare room, so for him to behave like this with a girl he met a couple of weeks ago was deliberate arrogance. He has had gfs in the past who have stayed in spare room - indeed, their parents would only let them stay on condition that this was the case. I don't know this girl's parents - what if they had thought she was at a gfs house? How would they feel if they knew she was sleeping with a lad she'd known so briefly and with my knowledge/acceptance? As it happened, clearly they don't mind, but I wasn't to know that. In fact, he may have slept in their spare room for all I know. I do accept that at 18 they are prob having consensual sex but this is about respect for people's homes and boundaries rather than the sex. Being an adult means behaving like this - if staying in a friend's home I would not pick up a bloke they did not know and bring him home for a wild night without their permission and I don't expect people to do that in mine. Yes, it's his home - but he pays no board and lodge, doesn't contribute to mortgage, tax, gas, electric, food, etc and therefore doesn't get to do as he likes. However, I do not want to fall out with him permanently and will try and sit down so that we can discuss this calmly and see if we can sort this out.

I'm glad you're having second thoughts. I do have sympathy with you, and I agree with chocca that as parents we should be setting our sights higher than just accepting that everything short of appalling is OK!

Just a thought - you said "if staying in a friend's home I would not pick up a bloke they did not know and bring him home for a wild night without their permission". Nor would I. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even do this anywhere but in my wildest dreams even in my own home. But I would want the right to do it in my own home, and if I felt I couldn't, it wouldn't feel like home. It is always difficult with teens making the transition to adulthood, but I suppose the question I have for you is whether you want your son to feel your home is also his home? If not, then your 'girlfriend ban' is OK. But if you do, then I think you need some compromise...

I've just re-read your post (having a 'spirited' teenager is an issue of mine too - I flew off the handle with my nearly 16YO DD last night). Your actions weren't as drastic as they perhaps seem on a quick reading, as your DS is presumably starting at uni in a week or two anyway. He probably will feel remorseful when he stops to think about things. He's in transition at the moment and getting a bit carried away with the excitement of beginning a new stage in his life I expect. He'll respect you for sticking to your principles. You're entitled to have people respect them.
Flow4, I think the reason young adults leave home is to have their independence and set up their own unit with their own rules, which are bound to differ at least a little bit from their ancient old set-in-their-ways parents.
I'm so envious of parents of obedient DCs but a little bit of me is quietly glad that my DCs are spirited. There's a time for rebelling and it's when you're young - hopefully less likely to go mad when they're older. Fingers crossed, hair greying as I type...

Your 20 year old DD is not allowed to sleep with her boyfriend of four years under your roof? Did I read that right? Blimey!
It strikes me that you are having difficulty managing the transition to being a parent of adults rather than children. You need to start reframing your expectations or the ride is only going to get rockier.

If that's right, it's certainly old-fashioned, but the OP is entitled to her principles, ESPECIALLY in her own home.

I don't agree with your way, however, I do think people are missing the point, the fact is it is HER house and it's her rules at the end of the day. I would never even consider letting the opposite sex stay over under the age of 16 but once they hit sixteen so long as I feel comfortable enough that they are sensible then why not? I'd rather my consentual child have sex with their bf or gf in my house rather than sneaking off somewhere grotty to do it.

Well, I suppose, choco, but would she extend those principles to any unmarried couple who came to stay? Because IMO it is hard to justify making your adult children abide by rules that you wouldn't impose on your friends for instance.

Many thanks, all. Good to hear different opinions, advice, etc. I am intending to call him or email him tonight and try and repair some bridges. As some have appreciated, it is not so much the sex I object to - it's the fact that this was a hard and fast ground rule and he deliberately broke it. For instance, if you and your husband are non smokers and it's a non smoking house what do you do if your 18 year old son sits chain smoking in your living room and refuses to obey the rules? The fact is that DH and I agreed on what we felt comfortable with in our home.....we have discussed what to do with DDs partners and are still dithering. On the one hand we accept they are adults/almost adults and in settled relationships, on the other at what point do you say its ok to sleep with folks under our roof? Once we've given permission does it mean that if they start new relationships then that lad will automatically be allowed to share their bed here? Or only once it's serious? Who decides it's serious? Us or them? I remember being 'in lurrrrve' about a fortnight into relationships in my teens. For us we decided that the best way was simply to say that partners are very welcome to stay (if you ask in advance) but will be in the guest room. This seemed to be reinforcing both good manners and setting certain values to our younger children. We did not want to be greeting a procession of different folks who we might barely know at our breakfast table. However, I do think I handled it badly and am going to speak to him and explain that he is still welcome here, but that he does need to respect the rules the same as everyone else in the house.

I agree with others YABU, His attitude is like that of most 18 year olds. DD2 had a simular attitude when she gotto 18 although it didn't involve having a boyfriend do stay, She just started staying out later and not gomoing in until the early hours of the morining, But we didn't throw her out at least your DS has a job which shows he is a lot more responsibel than a lot of 18 year olds.

OK folks, I rang my son tonight and apologised to him for my over-reaction. I told him I appreciated that it had been far out of proportion to his behaviour and he said sorry in return, etc. We've had a long chat and I've explained to him how upset I was that we have so few rules as a family and how it just felt like he was deliberately disrespecting us. Anyway, cut a long story short we are hopefully back on track. I've told him that he is, of course, welcome here and we want him to be able to come home when he likes, but that we also need him to respect the boundaries that we have set. As some of you say, there are always rules and whether you think they are extreme or not unfortunately some things are not always negotiable. I appreciate that we all have different standards, cultures and moral viewpoints, and maybe ours are different from yours. Maybe you allow your kids to smoke at home, maybe not; maybe you are happy with them wandering about with a joint in their hand. Perhaps you don't mind the F word - perhaps you do. I don't know. For my own part I smoke, but not in the house out of respect for the other household members who hate it. I don't particularly object to the odd Fing hell! if said in frustration (although I'll be Fing annoyed if you say it in front of your 7 year old brother). If I were a Muslim I would object strenuously to my teenagers swigging shots of vodka in my home. As it is, I don't stress much about them occasionally staggering in slightly pissed (and I will hold your hair for you as you vomit, although I will probably sing loudly in the morning and make you a fry up you don't want). To me the issue was not so much about bringing someone home for sex as it was about blatantly refusing to accept one of the very few boundaries we have set for them. Many, many thanks for all the advice and opinions.

Just because it was 'your one boundary' doesnt mean it was a reasonable boundary eg a 'no drugs' boundary would be reasonable because it is illegal and dangerous esp with younger DCs in the house

they are 17,18 and 20. they are having sex. does it matter where? why can they do it elsewhere but not under 'your' roof?

If it is their home as well as yours they should have a say in the rules (and pay some board)

I feel really sorry for your DD1 btw.