Should I have thrown my 18 year old son out?

[deleted203]

18 year old son has been great kid until he finished A levels in June and since then has had attitude that 'I'm 18, I'm leaving home soon and I can do as I like'. He's been a pain all summer. We have few house rules, are very close family, but the most basic rule is that boyfriends/girlfriends may stay over, but in spare room. Last weekend we were away and made it plain to kids (after party last time they were left alone) that we were locking up and they had to stay with grandparents - we didn't want any of them in house. Son told GPs load of lies about where he was going, disappeared for two days and basically let himself into our house and spent weekend with a girl he had picked up. He then left for new job 100 miles away. We were fuming. He came home Fri night, was a bit shame faced when we told him how furious we were then went out Sat and returned (after we were in bed) with same girl and took her to bed. I got up for a drink, realised situation and knocked on his door and told him she was to be out in 5 mins. He then left with her. When he returned today I told him to pack his stuff, he was no longer welcome in our home as he couldn't obey the rules and I would drive him to his new flat. He basically couldn't give a monkeys. I've told him he is welcome to phone and visit but that we won't have him stay over again until he apologises and agrees to respect our house rules. His younger brothers and sisters are devastated and keep saying 'can't he stay here anymore?' The answer is 'no, he can't'. I'm furious, hurt, upset and terrified that he won't bother keep in touch, but he has just become so arrogant and cocky that I can't bear it. I don't see why I should let him do as he likes in my home. Advice/opinions anyone?

Why start 2 threads on this?

So do I margery. REALLY sorry. :(

OP it doesn't sound like you have few rules, it seems a very controlling environment.

I don't really understand where the OP is coming from here. They are her children but adults and therefore they are going to engage in adult activities if they choose to do so. It also sounds like her son is doing very well for himself (A-levels, job, flat and so on) and is generally a really nice young man besides this.

Why would you knock in his door, wake them up and kick her out in the middle of the night? OP sounds like a complete control freak and basically humiliated her son infront of his GF. The messege you are giving to your kids is if they don't obey you they will be kicked out and disowned.

A boundary or rule has to be reasonable and the reaction to any broken rules also has to be reasonable. Neither seem reasonable in this case.

I suspect the relationship with all your kids is a bit toxic and you probably wont see a great deal of them once they are older and can get away from you.

Long, have you read all of this thread?

Feel sorry for the poor girl. :( Fair enough your DS broke a rule but she must have been humiliated by that.

IMO she's got a brass neck sneaking into a boy's bedroom in his parental home while his parents were in bed. I expect she was embarrassed, but it's not as if she was thrown out into the street undressed on her own or made to apologise or anything.
It doesn't sound like the OP knows this girl who's sneaking in while she's asleep in her own home.
I wonder why they didn't go back to her place?

Agree with Long.

OP - glad you have spoken to your DS and sorted out things. That irrational anger and over reacting is very familiar to me

I know teenagers are exasperating but honestly you really dont have much to worry about with your boy.

He has completed his A levels
He has a job
No problems with drink or drugs
YABVU, picking up girls and bringing them home for the night perfectly normal/healthy behaviour expected of 18 year old, stuff your rules and your prude attitude, you are going to alienate you son if you continue this way.
You claim to be close family, sorry but mothers who are close to their sons do not behave in such way.
I just read you last post, I am glad you made up.

Well the acoustics in my house are terrible so I am dreading my teens becoming sexually active.

I always feel if they are going to have sex I would rather it was in a safe place

Why is it a deal breaker in your house ?

We pay the mortgage, bills etc.
It is however, my child's home too.

If they want to have a girl stay over (a reasonable request at 18), I would never play the 'not under my roof' card.
It's their roof too.

Sounds like you are alienating your children, and forcing them to comply with draconian and irrational rules. Fair enough, it's your house. Just don't expect anyone to love you for it.

You have every right to stick to your rules in a 'my way or the highway' manner but then your son has every right to choose to not contact/visit someone who appears so brutally hard that they would rather lose a son than allow discussion of a rule that your son clearly finds it hard to keep. Personally, I'd worry more about the effect on the family of this stance, than be concerned about your sons moral turpitude. Possibly he is too young to be able to cope with adequately explaining his position concerning the house rules, maybe he hoped that his actions would speak for him and that the subject could then be discussed? Have you wondered why he would want his girlfriend to stay in his room when it was clearly going to cause such grief? I would hazard that he needed to bring something out into to open or cause some confrontation to permit 'something' to be said, indeed the 'girlfriend in room' may really be more of a device, than the real point of concern for him. Communication is what is needed now, not sticking to rather dubious moral high-ground in a 'not until you apologise' way as that is how family rifts start - be bigger than that!