Do you let your 16 year old daughter walk home at night?

[lesley2460]

We live in a medium-sized town with a generally low-ish crime rate, but you never know who's around :(

My 16 yr old DD, obviously having just left school and trying to have a fun summer, goes out most evenings with her friends, usually to each other's houses. I don't worry too much if she's in by 11 as long as she walks with a friend, but she is making me feel unreasonable, because apparently most of her (female) friends don't have a curfew and are allowed to walk home whenever.

I can't sleep until she's home and I am quite prepared to go out and fetch her in the car if she wants to be later, but obviously as a working single mum I don't want to be up late every night. What's the verdict on girls walking home, even in pairs? I don't like it much and it's causing huge consternation between us :(

Have had major rows discussions with DD about curfews. I said 11 she said she wanted to stay out later. I got fed up with the discussions so said 'come home when you want'... She's generally home at about 10.30 but is always walked home by 'the boys' and if they aren't out then she calls me and I pick her up.

I have a 16 year old. No curfew- it's discussed on a case by case basis!

Going along with what you were saying Trills, I was taught at school (all girls, self defence lessons) that one of the most important things is not to look like a victim - not 'don't drink' or 'don't wear short skirts' but stand tall, look confident, look like you'd be too much trouble to bother. She actually said 'don't look like a victim' but I find that problematical and a bit trite tbh. She also said that kicking a man in the bollocks doesn't hurt, and having tried it it definitely does... (I actually think what she was trying to say was don't go on the attack unless you are going to wholeheartedly go for it, or you might end up in a worse position, which also doesn't quite sit well although I sort of get what she was saying.

My mum was IMO overly strict about things like this with me. I was 16-17 working full time while living at home and paying rent and I had a curfew which meant I often had to make my way home alone through SE london to meet the curfew.

If I hadn't had a curfew I could have travelled home with friends who lived nearby.

My mum always told me to 'stick together for safety' when out with my friends until of course it came to curfew time.

Never quite figured that one out hmm.

And that paragraph was a bit of a mess, sorry! Got distracted

Fallencaryatid - more than one poster mentioned living in a dodgy or rough area and thinking it ok to be walking home alone at 16. (not you but some others).

However i think OP's point is right that things can and do happen in any area, regardless of crime rate . I completely believe in allowing young people to develop independence and to take risks and to make choices. But there are just some things that are not good sense. It is not good sense to get in someonew's car if they've had a drink. It's not good sense to go to the house of someone you've only met on the internet etc etc. And it's just not good sense to walk home alone in the middle of the night especially if you are female (unfortunately ).

Yes, case-by-case is my approach too- a sensible time from an 18th birthday function in town, for example, could be 2am, when she will be getting a cab with her friends, or a lift home with them. I'd far rather that than say "Surely midnight has given you plenty of time for a night out", like some parents might, and have her waiting alone in a taxi rank with a load of drunken strangers.

My 16 year old has a curfew of 10pm, she makes her own way home though. It seems quite young to not have a curfew. DD doesn't mind, even though most of her friends don't have a set time to be in, most of them seem to go home then anyway.

Slam- I agree with the broad thrust of what you are saying, apart from the girl v boy bit. Yes, a boy is unlikely to be raped, but I can't actually think of any stranger rapes of teenagers in my area that have made recent news. Unfortunately, at least three incidents spring to mind of young lads out alone late at night being seriously assaulted for no good reason in the last year or two. Extremely seriously- near death random attacks on teenage boys. I think the personal safety advice is equally applicable to both sexes: stay with your mates, don't get isolated, make safe arrangements for getting home, and let somebody know what those arrangements are.

I agree BOF, it's the advice both of mine follow.

Anything that is "sensible advice that will make you a less likely target of a rapist" will also make you a less likely target of a mugger or someone who just wants to beat someone up, so is equally applicable to boys.

If the advice is not applicable to boys, it's probably isn't very good advice.

Yes SuperBOF - agree with you completely about the girl V boy safety thing. Boys are more likely to get attacked than girls. Hence my rules for ds about walking home with friends.

I suppose I said 'especially for females' in my last post because the discussion was more about sexual attacks. I don't know that stats on this one but although boys are by far the most likely to be victims of crime (especially mugging) girls are more likely to be the vicitms of the most serious sexual assaults.

The leery drunk rapist is actually rarer than people think too, mostly staggering home keeping themselves off the pavement swaying from side to side.

your daughters are more likely to be abused in that way at house parties etc.

I agree, lastnerve. When I mentioned taxi queues, I was thinking more of general unpleasantness, verbal abuse, and the sort of fights and scuffles that can break out in them. And girls on their own in them can definitely be on the receiving end of a lot of hassle from drunks, judging by my own experiences when younger. All things better to be avoided where possible.

Can't you encourage the girls to go home together and stay over? I never worried half as much if there were three or four of them walking home.

Personally (and I've been in your position) at that age I'd be giving her a curfew and a lift.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-18937460
menmedia.co.uk/manchestereveningnews/news/s/1584788_police-hunt-for-two-men-after-teenage-girl-raped-in-droylsden

These are just in the last couple of weeks - I honestly can't believe some of you who feel comfortable with letting a young girl, whether she is attractive or not, walk home in the early hours of the morning. Smacks to me of not caring much what happens!!

I don't think anybody has actually said that. Perhaps you need to read the thread again?

no one has ever said that ,
Jesus fucking Christ 16 year old's have made their way home for many years me and all my friends managed.

You do realize we don't live in the congo?

Its not about people not caring, its about preparing your child for the adult world where they won't be chauffeured round to their every whim.

Maryz - if "by dark" has been 11pm recently then doesn't that mean that in December it will be 4pm?

I was just about to say that Trills! What difference does the time make here? If its about walking home in the dark then it could be 4pm or 3am and its the same thing.

Also, to the poster who mentioned reading about "this sort of thing" happening all the time, most of the reports of sexual assault in my local paper seem to be at 3 or 4 in the afternoon under some bridge somewhere.

To me I think its more about being 'seen' to do the right thing - if your DD were attacked at 3pm no-one would question why on earth she was out on her own at that time of the day, but if it were 3am there would be all sorts of accusations about bad parenting or irresponsibility. Actually in both cases the only person to blame is the attacker, but sadly that's not how society sees it.

I would say the time is irrelevant but agree that a text so that you know she's on her way home would be courteous and sensible. I might also be inclined to encourage sleepovers so that she & a friend take turns to go to each others' house together - it would also mean that you only have half as many late nights waiting up for her to get home!

Another example of "being seen to do the right thing" that you just reminded me of :)

Consider the phenomenon of penalty kicks in soccer. Statistically, a kicker is most likely to succeed by kicking the ball down the center of the goal, since the keeper almost always jumps either left or right. So if a kicker truly wants his team to win, he?ll be more likely to choose the center. But that rarely happens. Why? Because if a kicker goes right or left and the keeper makes a great save, he can attribute his failure to the keeper?s great play. If he goes down the center and fails ? well, he?ll be considered a fool for the rest of his days for even thinking about kicking the ball down the middle. So while we might think that he?s got the team?s incentive at the front of his mind, his private incentive ? to not go down in history as a fool ? is probably just a little bit stronger.

No, I wouldn't. Mine don't have a curfew exactly but certainly at 16 I'd expect them to be home at midnight.

DD's friends have a system of house visits- they each take a turn to host and the host's parents take the group home. It works really well IMO.

*by midnight, sorry.