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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Consequences for 19 yr old boy - what is left to do?!

45 replies

Sjayw · 09/08/2012 00:38

Please bear with me, this is my first post.

Has anybody got any ideas of consequences if a 19 yr old son does not do chores when asked (umpteen times!), does not actively look for a job (dropped out of college) etc. etc.? This is causing such arguments with my partner and we know what we need is to restore some boundaries and we know we just need a consequence if the above (or whatever else) isn't done. But, trying to actually think of a consequence that is is easy to 'police' and to stick to is something we are finding really hard!

We thought of coming in at an early time instead of usual curfew but, as he goes outside to smoke (which I hate!) he could, theoretically sneak off. We have thought about reducing internet time but that punishes my 17yr old daughter too - we just keep going round in circles.

Anyway, does anyone have any workable (or worth a try) ideas?

Many, many thanks in advance,
Jay xx

OP posts:
ColourMeWithChaos · 09/08/2012 00:46

Where does he get his money from at the moment?

I've found with my 18 year old that money is a great bargaining tool!

Does he pay rent at the moment?

Could you change the password on your Internet so that he has to earn the right to use it? (would mean you could police your DS and DD seperately)

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 00:50

Erm, he's 19. That's adult. It's old enough to hold a tenancy on his own home, get married, have children, vote etc.

If he is creating a mess and not clearing it up, he needs to be sat down and have it explained to him that this is your home, he is an adult, and he needs to start acting as such.

I personally had my own home and was pregnant with my DC2 at that age. I am struggling with the idea that an adult has a curfew at all. Do you think that possibly his lack of care round the house is connected to him feeling 'babied' and not treated like an adult? A sort of mini rebellion if you will?

How does he pay for his food etc? If he is not in college and not working? Are you paying for it? If so, then there is your 'punishment'. He either stops treating your home like a hotel, leaving everything for the 'maid' (you) to pick up, or he stops getting everything for free.

Tbh, at that age, I wouldn't have my DC's not in employment if they were not in education. My DC's know the score - they are classed as children and financially supported whilst they are in Education, but as soon as they leave college/Uni, they have to pay their own way. And my 14yo and my 10yo understand that.

That means paying 1/5 (five people in the house) of the bills, 1/5 of the food shopping, and mucking in with chores. If they won't do it, they are free to find (and pay for) alternative accommodation.

We are a family, and a family works together.

I hope I haven't been too harsh!

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 00:53

I HAVE also told my DC's that they gave a home here for as long as they want or need it, as long as they are respectful and do their fair share. Even if that means them still living here at 30. (High housing costs in SE mean that I'm sure at least two will be here till 25 due to new housing benefit rules).

NatashaBee · 09/08/2012 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sjayw · 09/08/2012 01:10

CouthyMow

He had a job and was paying rent but recently lost it due to redundancy.
He has just drawn his first job-seekers allowance and is job hunting. He doesn't get money from us.

He knows the score, he has chores to do to as we believe it is part of sharing the family load (I have a disability).

He doesn't have a time curfew, I just didn't go in to it. He has to let us know where he is if he stays out and he knows where key is to get in if he's late.

I appreciate he is 19 and an adult, he is however still my son, so thought I could ask for help here. It is a situation none of us thought we would be in but we are and I feel he is just lashing out and the easiest target is 'don't do as parents would like'.

Anyway, whatever the cause, as an 'adult' sanctions are very hard to police but I still think I shouldn't have to ask 14 times before a certain chore is done. Hence, trying to think of a consequence that is suitable.
Hope that helps and thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sjayw · 09/08/2012 01:13

Thanks - internet password may be an idea. Not sure if that works for mobile phone internet access but I can find out.

It's hard with consoles etc as he has bought them all himself so I feel it is not my place to remove them from his private space.

I'll work on the password thing, thanks.

OP posts:
ColourMeWithChaos · 09/08/2012 01:17

You should be able to change the password on your network so he can no longer access it - good how to here:

www.ehow.com/how_5181269_change-network-password.html

Original poster
Sjayw · 09/08/2012 01:21

Thanks very much Colour - that is worth a try!

OP posts:
DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:26

Tricky problem. I think I would withdraw Internet privileges. This is not hard to do, you can usually control access from either the router or main computor. I use Bitdefender which allows me to control Internet access for each device in the house. I can either block it completely, Block certain program's, limit it to set times or password protect it. I would also stop cooking for him, washing his clothes etc etc. Do you pay his mobile bill? If so I would stop. Try not to argue with him.

I would make it easy to win his privileges back.

I am not sure about how to get him to look for work, nag him, find him voluntary work, get him working for a relative or friend for a minimum wage?? Do his friends work? Does he get any cash from anywhere else?
Any chance of getting him back in college? It is not unusual for lads his age to have a bit of a maturity wobble.

Bitdefender. I am sure other program's do the same type of things.

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 01:27

Yes to the Internet access. I'm sorry, I was making assumptions based on your OP that I shouldn't have.

Erm, no, asking 14 times for a chore to be done would make me want to strangle them get me a little irked, I don't disagree on that one.

I think that dealing with teenagers when you have a disability IS difficult (I have a strong-minded, wilful, chore hating 14yo DD, epilepsy and fibromyalgia. I also insanely have 3 younger DC's, one a toddler. I sympathise immensely with you!)

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 01:30

Before DD left for her dad's for 2 weeks, I handed her a small pile of HER clothes and asked her to hang them up. She left a week ago. They are still in a pile on her bed. .

You are really not alone here, OP!

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 01:31

He's 19 and has a curfew Confused

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:31

Sorry xposted

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:33

I wouldn't do a curfew either. Food and internetis the way to go..... Calmly and consistently.

solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2012 01:33

Do bear in mind that at the moment the economy is fucked and jobs are hard to get. I have heard various figures eg 10 people for every job offered, 500 appilants for 20 jobs etc. If he is looking for work it's not fair to blame him for not getting any.And most of the emloyers who would take on a teenager with no experience are thoro8ghly dodgy.

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:35

Op said he wasn't looking for work.

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 01:36

Couthymow op says he lost his job, what should she do, kick him out while he looks for a new one? You cant just click your fingers and be employed.

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 01:37

Couthymow that 1/5 thing is ridiculous. Obviously you kids will be earning much less than you so completely unfair.

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 01:45

Krumbum, actually I will be earning the sane as, or less than my DC. I am disabled and can only work PT at most, and will only earn NMW.

Not really unfair when you look at it from someone else's point of view, and walk a mile in their shoes...

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 01:47

And your partner/Their dad? I'm assuming you can't live off just your wage.
It just seems impossible that a child could save up to move out of they have to pay their parents so much,,

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:48

Tis' true OP you are not alone..... my 19 year old works incredibly hard at his academic studies, he is at Uni studying medicine. He is totally self motivated, He did voluntary work every week for two years...the guys a saint..Confused ......except he is still an idle slob around the house. It drives me crazy. I have always got my DC's to help around the home and be responsible for their own mess etc. etc but my eldest wont lift a finger at home unless I seriously nag him. and trust me I do I have two younger DC's who are not like him so, I think it's him and not me (or my DH) I hope Hmm

Anyway OP if you find out the secret of how to manage 19 year olds please let us know Grin

Rooobs · 09/08/2012 01:48

um, he's an adult.

cutting off his internet or giving curfews is rather childish and will provoke a childish response IMHO (and thinking back to my teen years).

adults need to be able to fend for themselves independently and supporting each other can be part of that. But if he's not a team player, as part of the family, then he should look for a place on his own.

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 01:51

And as my rent will be partially covered by HB until they leave education, and I will struggle to pay it even then, why shouldn't they help by taking on 1/5 of the HB that I will lose as soon as they leave education.

It's not as cut and dried in a very low income household, Krumbum.

As soon as they leave education, I will lose their child benefit and child tax credits, which is what I use to feed them with. My wages would ALL go on rent and childcare. I would only expect them to pay 1/5 of the HB loss (not 1/5 of the total rent), 1/5 of the gas, electric and water, and 1/5 of the shopping bill if I am to actually BUY them food.

With no income for them, and only a PT NMW job for me, I have no hope in hell of feeding them once they have left education and are adults, so if they continue to live here, they will have to (mostly) support themselves financially.

It just isn't an option for them to be NEETS when I will have no income to FEED them with!!

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 01:52

I know he is an adult but he isn't acting like one. If this was a DH or DP acting like this the leave the bastard brigade would be here in a flash.

My 19 year old is the same an odd mixture of mature and childish at the same time.

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 01:55

Her dad? Maintenance stops when they leave education. And she's unlikely to move 600 miles away just to be in the same situation. They have barely more money than me, her SM does care work, and her dad does seasonal logging/ fence work for about half the year, and looks after their DC's the rest of the time.

I get roughly £12.50 a week maintenance from her dad, and that only started a year ago, for the first 13 years I got fuck all.

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