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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Consequences for 19 yr old boy - what is left to do?!

45 replies

Sjayw · 09/08/2012 00:38

Please bear with me, this is my first post.

Has anybody got any ideas of consequences if a 19 yr old son does not do chores when asked (umpteen times!), does not actively look for a job (dropped out of college) etc. etc.? This is causing such arguments with my partner and we know what we need is to restore some boundaries and we know we just need a consequence if the above (or whatever else) isn't done. But, trying to actually think of a consequence that is is easy to 'police' and to stick to is something we are finding really hard!

We thought of coming in at an early time instead of usual curfew but, as he goes outside to smoke (which I hate!) he could, theoretically sneak off. We have thought about reducing internet time but that punishes my 17yr old daughter too - we just keep going round in circles.

Anyway, does anyone have any workable (or worth a try) ideas?

Many, many thanks in advance,
Jay xx

OP posts:

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 02:02

Krumbum, I DO have to support my family like that, on a combination of low wage, tax credits, and maintenance since my youngest two DC's dad left.

And they won't be paying 'me', they will be paying a fair portion of THE BILLS, and a fair portion of the FOOD. Not money for me to go out and spend on new clothes or whatever you are thinking.

It's them paying for food and heat and light, so we can bloody survive, not because I'm cruel and want to send my DC's up the chimney once they leave education.

Do you REALLY not understand what that is like, to be so close to going under financially that having adult DC's at home needing to eat, but no Child benefit or TC's to pay for that food for them?

Do you think I bloody LIKE that it has to be like that? Because I don't. It doesn't sit well with me. But I have no bloody choice.

So, getting back to the OP, he must know some people in my DC's position, where they just CAN'T stay at home if they don't get a job and contribute fairly?

GossipWitch · 09/08/2012 02:37

I have no experience in teens but if I were you I would put all of his mess in his room at the end of each day, and restrict internet. he should get fed up of the stink of his own socks and dirty pots by the end of the week I would also refuse to do washing and cooking his meals. If he's not motivated by then then start sticking car air fresheners to his door so the smell doesn't permeate the rest of the house and shame him on fb :)

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 07:01

Apologies mouthycow. I forgot about child benefit, so obviously their age would make a difference. I was thinking it would be no difference financially to them being a teen but obviously not with cb.
I may be wrong but as the op is more well off it seem unfair to force her child to pay when they do not need to the money as it would make it harder to save to move out.

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 08:43

Haha Gossip! I like your style. don't know if I could go that far, but I think that would actually work on DD now, she likes her floor TIDY!! (Recent occurrence, I have been able to SEE her carpet for 9 full weeks. Mostly because she dumps everything in the front room...).

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 08:44

Krumbum, surely if you DON'T need the money, then you can put it in a savings account for them, without telling them, and they can have it back for their deposit for a home when they move out?

CouthyMow · 09/08/2012 08:46

(What I wish I could ACTUALLY do with the money rather than pay the bills and pay for food, and what I will be doing should my income drastically change between now and then...)

BalloonSlayer · 09/08/2012 08:54

Surely you shouldn't be using "sanctions" on an adult?

How are you going to get him to behave a bit more maturely if you treat him like a child?

I'd have thought the only "sanction" that would be appropriate is - do this or move out. Get the small ads page and sit down with him and get him to work out how much it will cost to get a room in a shared house.

And what are the arguments this is causing between you and your DP? Is your DP your DS's Dad? If it was just you and your DS and DD living in the house, would you be as bothered? More bothered? Less bothered? (My DH, for instance, is far more tolerant of our DS1's uselessness than I am)

BalloonSlayer · 09/08/2012 08:55

He doesn't have a time curfew, I just didn't go in to it. He has to let us know where he is if he stays out and he knows where key is to get in if he's late.

He's 19 and doesn't have his own key?????

usualsuspect · 09/08/2012 08:56

You can't use sanctions on an adult. It is also incredibly difficult for teens to get jobs at the minute.

DoItOnce · 09/08/2012 10:06

It is very difficult for teens to get jobs but much more so if they are not actively looking for one - and the OP has confirmed that he is not actually looking for a job. That would make me more concerned with his overall lack of responsibility.

mumeeee · 09/08/2012 10:20

It cab be difficult with a 19 year old DD2 was a bit like this. We switched the router to go off at a certain time each day so there was no internet access after midnight until 8am the next day. Her room was her responsibility and I never interfered with it if it got in a mess ( which it often did)then that was her problem. She was expected to take turns in cleaning the bathroom with the rest of the family. She was also expected to wash up and clear up after herself. I didn't nag her to do something as I found that made her worse. So if she didn't wash up I 'd leave it and she would often find she'd have twice as much to do next time. She is now 22 and has left home ( just finished uni) but when she comes home she always tidies up after herself and washes up without being asked. Oh why hasn't your DS have his own key?.

Original poster

Sjayw · 09/08/2012 18:53

Thanks for all posts so far - this is obviously not just our problem (which kind of helps). I understand those saying he is an adult and things like sanctions are childish - it's just so difficlut when they can act so bloomin' childishly!

I took him out for lunch today and we had a real heart to heart (he even had a few tears at one point, and I, rather proudly held it together!). We agreed on a few pointers and came up with some suggestions to help him job hunt etc.

As a few of you have said, it is so difficult to berate him about job front when there are so few out there to get. At 16 he wanted to be a lawyer and go to Uni, 18 months later he had dropped out of school/college and was doing a MW job. He then lost it recently and has been demotivated since. I empathise greatly and I wouldn't want to be 19 now but it makes parenting the teens even harder .

CouthyMow - I feel your pain too, I have MS and this doesn't make it easy for the kids either but daughter (DD is it?!) is at college and has part-time job. It certainly isn't easy for us as disabled parents and, believe me, I would swap a 19 yr old for a terrible 2s toddler right now!

Forgive my posts, I do not know the short cuts for sons and daughters etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sjayw · 09/08/2012 19:03

Gossip - that made me giggle which was great! Thanks
Krum - I never said I was well off!!! I get no money for a child who is not in education but has no job but we still have to feed him. It is bloomin expensive when kids get to be older teens/adults - they eat a lot more for a start.

Balloon - It is easy for people to say - do this or move out - how many would really chuck their kids out with no way to fund themselves (so basically on the streets) rather than try to find boundaries we can all live by?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/08/2012 19:09

It is really simple-if he lives with you he has to go by your rules-and if he doesn't like your rules he has to move out and get a job and his own place.

Original poster

Sjayw · 09/08/2012 19:11

For those that have asked -
son doesn't have his own key as he had one and lost it on a night out a while ago. We were rather miffed at this so we therefore decided not to give him another if he couldn't look after it - we leave a key in a certain place and he knows where so he can let himself in at whatever time of day or night. He's happy with this.

OP posts:

PineappleBed · 09/08/2012 19:16

Tricky, very tricky.

Good that you can have heart to hearts. Maybe if you give him some more responsibility that might help strangely? Maybe give him a key, give him his own kitchen cupboard, stop doing anything in his room?

Probably just kicking out as he's all adrift. Doubt that makes it easier though.

Just keep talking and hopefully it'll get better.

beagreassive · 09/08/2012 22:10

I told dd1 when we were in the midst of this battle, that out of home she can do as she pleases but in home, there are minimum standards; she co
Chose to move to her dads rather than strive for the minimum standards. She was lucky to have that option, but really nothing has changed, she is having the same fights with different people. When she was out of work and not studying, she was required to do ten hours a week of housework/ babysitting to "pay her way". Dd2 has the same rules, but is much better about doing as asked, and I think this is because she knows going to her dads isn't an option (her and her step mother literally hate each other). So her options are to make it work here or move out.

DoItOnce · 10/08/2012 10:24

That is great that you managed a good chat with your DS, it really shows he is human. I think lads his age find it hard to cope with their emotions and don't like to admit they are fed up or stresses. I seriously underestimated how stressed my DS was with his Uni application and his exams. I thought he was the calmest, most together kid ever but actually he was under a lot of pressure and didn't realise it or acknowledge it. It made him a lot less nice to be around.

Would he consider going back to college. It is not unusual and at least he would be doing something. You would all need to act quick before September. Now that he has tried working maybe he would be more inclined to enjoy college. It sounds like he could chose either a academic route or a vocational route. It would just be like he took his gap year(s) early.

Good luck, you sound like a great Mum.

crkm · 10/08/2012 11:29

My dd 19 - dropped out of college, no job, wont sign on - etc etc - she doesnt have a key or a bed!!!! No key because she kept loosing them - no bed because she broke the last 2 and i refuse to buy another! she has mattress on floor! she needs to sort herself out - when she starts acting like an the adult she is supposed to be - we will be fairer to her.

Original poster

Sjayw · 10/08/2012 13:07

Doitonce - thank you for your comments which were helpful and nice to see someone thinks I may be a good mum - I do try!

Crkm - I empathise greatly and it could so easily be me! Parents without teens can judge so easily when it is SO difficult! Hang on in there x

OP posts:

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