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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

29 replies

theredhen · 07/08/2012 07:30

Dp and I have five kids between us, some who live with us 24/7, some only a third of the time. Four out of five are teens. We live in the middle of nowhere so we have to drive then wherever they want to go, they all have active social lives. Dp works from home, I work away from the home.

I literally never know who is in my house and when, can't make any plans because I'm never informed until the last minute if kids are here or not.

I literally drive home from work And dont know how many kids I will find at home when I get there or if dp will be there or not.

So am I being petty to think dp and dc could do more to keep me informed, for both practical reasons (I do the food shopping and cooking) and for emotional ones (can never plan a quiet evening in or a family evening for example).

OP posts:

MonsPubis · 07/08/2012 07:33

It is annoying, but I am in the thick of it like you! You cook and nobody turns up. You don't cook and they are all there starving.
I have just got used to it. Ask at the beginning of the day or send them a text, whoever will be home. Plate it up and put it in the fridge if they are not there. Or keep various things like noodles etc and they can get their own!

chocoluvva · 07/08/2012 08:58

That would annoy me.
We quite often have DCs friends here and spontaneously invite them to stay for dinner and I'm happy to let DD go out not knowing when she goes if she'll be home for dinner, but that would definitely annoy me.
I hate wasting food.
But we do.

AgentProvocateur · 07/08/2012 09:03

I think it's par for the course with teens. I have two of my own, but I can't remember the last time there were four of us at a meal. I either have none, or a house full.

I always cook things like curry, chilli, spag Bol do that the amount of people doesn't really matter. None gets wasted. - everything disappears from the fridge eventually.

FrankieAndArthur · 07/08/2012 09:13

It did bother me and occasionally, I do sling them all out and say I need a quiet night. Although if DS goes to his Dad's town that solves things a bit. But after years of it I have been worn down!

But DS's long term mates are now so welcome they just feel like extra sons. Their bikes and shoes are always kicking around but I have the bonus of not having to wash their sweaty socks!

Long term mates have even been known to answer the door and phone for me and anything that really bothers me I find easiest to deal with with gentle humour.

GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 09:15

I think it is par for the course as well.

I only have the one so it is really easy compared to what you have, but either she isn't there, or is at work, and she doesn't need feeding for a week, and then one day I come home from work and she has a houseful of great big teens and they have eaten everything in sight.

I just shrug my shoulders really.

It is a shame as I have kind of given up on cooking proper meals, and just have the fridge and freezer filled with easy things to cook and snacks.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 09:17

I always seem to have a few teen friends of my DS here, doesn't bother me in the slightest.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 09:18

I always have stuff they can cook themselves in, I rarely cook for my DS anymore.

GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 09:21

There is usually someone staying here, we live in the city centre so often have some waif or stray who has missed the last bus home out into the sticks.

Thank god for Lidl and cheap crisps, cakes and chocolate bars that's all I can say.

Margerykemp · 07/08/2012 09:22

They should be more considerate of you. Just make/buy food for those you KNOW will be there- others can sort themselves.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 09:22

I think one of his friends might have stealthily moved in

GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 09:26

I have the same - one of dd's friends stayed all week last week. There is no hairspray left.

Original poster

theredhen · 07/08/2012 09:30

But my dp does know what's happening, he's just too "busy" to let me know until the last minute whilst simultaneously wanting to know when I'll be home from work, what my plans are for the week / weekend / evening.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 09:33

You need to clout your DH then.

usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 09:34

No advice really, we are not really plan makers we just go with the flow.

landofsoapandglory · 07/08/2012 09:36

Yes, it would bother me.

I have 2 teens and we live in the middle of nowhere too. I don't object to taking them to where they need to be, because it's not their fault that we live where we do. However, when it comes to meal times the rules are if they are not going to be in for dinner then they let me know, they same applies if they are bringing a friend back. It's hardly too much to ask them to send a text is it?

landofsoapandglory · 07/08/2012 09:37

Oh, then really your DP is it fault! Why not get a board in the kitchen that everyone can write on to say when they are in or out?

Original poster

theredhen · 07/08/2012 09:52

Most decisions are made on the day, so dp will know at lunchtime but not text me. Some are made at the last minute ("can I sleep round such and such" 2 mins before due to pick up said child) and some are made way in advance so dp will know kids plans for weekend on mon but doesn't seem to think I should know or care. He knows when the kids who don't live with us are going back to their mums, as do they, but the first I know of it is when he's walking out the door with them.

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GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 10:18

He sounds like a useless sod really. What does he say when you tell him you could do with knowing things?

Get all your teens a moped so they are self sufficient. . This has been a revelation with dd. She has a lot of activities and it used to get on my nerves driving her all over (she got the bus most of the time but not all the time). Since she has had her moped she has been wonderfully independent.

Original poster

theredhen · 07/08/2012 10:19

He tells me I'm making a fuss over nothing or he tells me that he "forgot" to tell me or that he didn't think I needed to know.

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GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 10:24

Tell him then that you 'forgot' to buy some food or 'forgot' that he had to take one of the kids to somewhere and he will have to do it.

Original poster

theredhen · 07/08/2012 10:30

I am very tempted to do that. To just cook dinner tonight when I feel like it, not wait for him to show up at 5.30 with his announcement on when he will be returning with kids. Of course, they could all / some be there when I get home from work, again, I won't know until I turn up. I literally have no idea who is in my home now or later. When I get home, I have to check each room to see who's home as I'm frightened we would have a fire and I would miss one child! dp just delivers them to home, then goes back out to work.

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LadyClariceCannockMonty · 07/08/2012 10:31

If he doesn't tell you things you can't plan for them. So if something goes wrong e.g. someone doesn't get fed because he didn't tell you, point out that it's not your fault.

Generally, I'd say try to have one or two simple but strict rules: maybe set a time for dinner and a number of people you'll provide for, and if people aren't there or there are more than expected then they can just share or make something else for themselves.

And maybe one evening a week/fortnight/month that's sacrosanct 'family time' or something?

I like a bustling house and lots of people round a table but there have to be limits, and most importantly you shouldn't feel that you have to run around after everyone and chase them, or that it's your fault if the amount of food isn't right or whatever.

GetOrfMoiRing · 07/08/2012 10:32

I would do that, it might seem churlish but bloody asking him doesn't seem to work, and a short sharp shock may encourage dozy bollocks DP to actually discuss things with you in future.

DontmindifIdo · 07/08/2012 10:39

You don't have a problem with the DCS, you have a problem with your DP.

I also think you need to have a space in the house that's just yours, if there's no space you can make yours, can you put a chair and a TV in your bedroom and make it clear if you go there you are not to be disturbed?

Also remember, if they are teenagers, it's not long until they leave. MIL says she still can't get over how much milk they had left over every day once DH and BIL left home....

Original poster

theredhen · 07/08/2012 10:45

Dc are keeping dp informed, (albeit sometimes at last minute) I don't think they should have to keep both of us informed. Whichever parent is in the know should have the decency to let the other one know.

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