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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Adult children living back at home

29 replies

banhamtom · 06/08/2012 16:17

Hi there. First post so all advice is very gratefully received.

I have two children, boy and girl, both of whom have moved home after university because they couldn't find the jobs they wanted. My daughter graduated this year and is looking for a job as a microbiologist, but finding it difficult since the NHS are centralising all their labs. While she's looking she's also working at a coffee shop, saving quite a bit of the money but the rest is for her to spend as she sees fit.

My son's older (25) and has been living at home for just over two years now. He's trying to get a job in advertising but has a (not great) English degree and has so far made little headway. He didn't have another job for a long time but is now temping in various offices nearby, but it's very unsatisfying for him. We live in the country and there aren't many towns nearby so I think it's harder for him to find something he'd want to do.

We don't charge either of them rent and although we expect them to be generally neat and tidy, wash their clothes and occasionally cook, they don't have to perform any specific chores around the house. While we're very happy to have them home and they're certainly not a burden, I'm concerned that their lack of independence might make them less ambitious in future. Should we be setting rules for how they live at home? How long is too long and when should we start putting our foot down about them being here? If we think they'd find it easier to get jobs somewhere else, should we maybe subsidise them to move out hoping they'll be standing on their own feet soon?

And in terms of them staying at home, should we be charging them rent? Should they have chores to do? And what do you do about 'overnight guests'? It makes me slightly uncomfortable, but they are grown ups after all...

OP posts:
gingeroots · 06/08/2012 18:57

Watching with interest and anticipation of being in same situation in 12 months time .

AllPastYears · 06/08/2012 19:18

Looking back to when I was their age, I had a job for a couple of years after uni, then moved back home and did some temping while looking for a proper job.

My view on it:

rent/food - my mum didn't charge me and it never occurred to me to offer Blush. I wasn't paid much but could have contributed something

jobs - can't remmeber

independence - I was desperate to get on with my life, but it took several months to find something. I think it's even worse these days Sad

rules - I kind of followed the way I'd lived at home previously, e.g. wouldn't have dreamt of having parties/boyfriends staying, etc. (no wonder I was desperate to move out again!) DH wasn't even allowed to stay in my room at home when we were engaged and I was nearly 30! But each to their own, my mum was particularly backwards in this respect I think.

Guess it depends on their personalities - and how comfy your house is for them. But surely most kids want a life of their own when they get to adulthood? If the jobs aren't there, what will they do? Move out, sure, but they'll still be doing the same coffee shop work or whatever and just have less money. Have they said what they think? Years ago hardly anyone left home till they got married, did they?

AllPastYears · 06/08/2012 19:19

Never can spell remmebber rember remmember

ssd · 06/08/2012 19:43

this must be so hard for them these days, studied all through school and uni and no bloody jobs for them, except crap ones they don't want

think a lot of us will be in your position in the future Sad

I'd just go with whatever is working for you just now, you may all be enjoying each others company

Original poster
banhamtom · 06/08/2012 21:43

It's not a problem at the moment but I'm worried about my son especially becoming complacent or too settled, and not wanting to move out. I've thought about getting him to save some of his wages for a flat and offering to help with it, but I don't want to tell him what to do with his money.

OP posts:
AllPastYears · 06/08/2012 21:49

"He didn't have another job for a long time but is now temping in various offices nearby, but it's very unsatisfying for him. We live in the country and there aren't many towns nearby so I think it's harder for him to find something he'd want to do."

Is he limiting his job search to the local area then? Why?

ggirl · 06/08/2012 21:49

I do think you should be charging them rent.
I also think they should be doing their fair share of the household chores.
My dd is at uni , when she is home she helps with cooking , shopping and caring for her younger brother.
She is also responsible for her own washing cleaning etc.
Do you work outside the home?

Viperidae · 06/08/2012 21:55

My DS came home for a year after uni and we did have a bit of friction at first as he struggled to find the right balance of independence and reverting to being a 12-year-old playing computer games and expecting his tea made. He spent the year running a little online business and applying for jobs. He has now moved away for work.

DD has just graduated and come home so we will have to wait and see what she does!

CarGirl · 06/08/2012 21:55

They are adults, yes charge them rent, yes they should be helping out. They may end up staying for many years to come...

Squeegle · 06/08/2012 21:56

My mum was "mean" to me, she charged me rent ( £250 a month in 1988). When I left she gave it to me. What a bonus- and it taught me the value of saving!

RandomMess · 06/08/2012 21:59

My parents charged me £20 per week out of my £30 YTS money so I got a Saturday job as well.

pingulingo · 06/08/2012 22:14

If you are in the country and presumably not in london, then surely a houseshare would be within their financial means?

Its lovely that you are happy to have them home, but if your DS is only getting sporadic temporary work, then wouldnt it make more sense for him to move to where there is more work?

I've temped for 10+ years, and whilst the rates arent always as good as they are used to be, certainly where I live (manchester) there is still consistent work available. And a large temp agency can try and get your DS assignments in the sector he wants, and it can also be far easier getting a permanent job if you are already known within the company from being a temp there.

Firebird20 · 07/08/2012 09:26

They are adults they should be paying their way. Trust me you are not doing them any favours, you might not charge them "market rent" as I don't suppose you want to make a profit out of them but they should be paying something as well as covering all their own expenses and doing a share of the housework.

Original poster
banhamtom · 07/08/2012 11:33

I think I do agree that they both need to be living more like adults and, like you say, not just living like they did as teenagers. As far as the travelling for work thing goes, the nearest big town is a half hour drive away (an hour in traffic) and that's the only place there's any work at all that isn't in factories. That's why I wonder if it would be worth supporting DS to live in a different city, perhaps back where he studied, until he finds a permanent job up there.

I also think that charging some sort of rent is a good call. Financially it's not a problem for us, so do you think it would be worth taking a couple of hundred pounds a month and then banking it for their future as and when they move out?

OP posts:
AllPastYears · 07/08/2012 12:05

Why can't he look for a permanent job elsewhere, while living with you?

Original poster
banhamtom · 07/08/2012 12:23

There's just not much work around here, and absolutely nothing in the type of work he wants to go into.

OP posts:
AllPastYears · 07/08/2012 13:27

Yes, but he can go for interviews elsewhere in the country, yes? That's what I did (300 years ago now of course Grin), and ended up with a job 300 miles away from where I was living with my mum.

mumeeee · 07/08/2012 18:33

DD1 came back for a short time well a few months after she'd finished uni at first we didn't charge her rent but she did buy food for everyone. She had a part time job which was increased to 30 hours a week, We then charged her rent I think it was about £130 a month.Which is a lot less then what she would have had to pay in rent else where. She is now 25 married and living in London. DD2 finished uni this year, |She has stayed up in Kingston and plans to live there she has a temporary job and pays her rent and all her bills. If she came home we would expect her to pay some rent.

Brightspark1 · 07/08/2012 21:00

Charge them a proper rent, expect them to take their turn at all the chores including cleaning the loo, doing the food shopping and the garden.Otherwise they will be stuck in a permanent adolescence and will never grow up. If DS can't find a job locally, he needs to be prepared to move to find one. I ended up having to move away from family and boyfriend for my first job after graduating. I hated it, but it was the only way to get a foot on the ladder.
I had to pay rent to my mum out of college vacation jobs, she couldn't support me out of her part time nurses salary and I didn't expect her to either

Numberlock · 07/08/2012 21:10

I'm also puzzled as to why they are limiting their job search so locally. Especially if your son wants to get into advertising, surely the big opportunities will be in London, or other big cities. And I think he needs a plan B career-wise if this is a field he's failed to get into for two years since graduating.

Even if he was just temping in a bigger city, there would be better opportunities that could come from these temp roles.

Did they live in Halls at uni or house shares?

mumzy · 07/08/2012 23:25

If he hasn't found his ideal job after 2 years he really needs to think a bit more creatively and as others have said be prepared to move away to where the work/ training opportunities are maybe even think about moving abroad. I think prehaps living at home is a bit too easy and comfortable for them both.

Viperidae · 07/08/2012 23:37

My DS has moved 250miles away to get the sort of job he wanted as there are none around here OP. I think your son needs to broaden his horizons.

cate16 · 07/08/2012 23:47

My daughter lives at home, pays towards bills, does all the shopping, helps in the garden, does her share of the household washing and cleaning.
oh... and she does nearly all of the cooking too. She works full time-but localish.

I shall miss her when she goes..........

beagreassive · 08/08/2012 01:53

When DD1 left school (early, grrr) I made her pay rent, $100 a week, and help out with chores. when she went back to uni, we knocked off the rent, but she still had to help out with chores. she has just moved in with her Dad, cause there she has to pay no rent and do no chores... I will let you know if he ever gets rid of her....

Original poster
banhamtom · 08/08/2012 11:15

I think encouraging him to spread his wings would be for the best, feel we have perhaps mollycoddled him for a little too long.

OP posts:
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